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Did your other daughters hear him too? I am beyond shocked and sad.  And I hope your son didn't hear him either. I fear he will grow up to be a man who treats women this way...or treats his future wife this way. I'm not sure how much you know about verbal abuse, but I would strongly encourage you to do some research. He is a classic abuser, and will not change without a serious wake-up call. I get the sense that you blame yourself or somehow believe you deserve this type of treatment - perhaps I'm wrong? You deserve a loving, caring, peace-full marriage and you are providing one to your H. You are receiving a marriage full of hurt, fear and sadness from him. I agree with NED, you should have some joy in your life. I wonder if you've been so damaged, so beaten down inside that you sometimes feel helpless, or believe if you 'try harder' it will get better? It won't. His abuse prevents the solving of every other marital problem. If my hand was burning on a hot stove, I'd remove my hand. If my heart was breaking because someone was stomping on it, I'd remove my heart, heal, then decide whether I'd give them another chance. Perhaps others - skilled MB'ers - have different advice?
"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen
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I wanted to add that, as a daughter of a man who cried when his 4th daughter was born, since he had no sons, (I was #3 but we all heard about this), that type of attitude is traumatic to children. I've always remembered it. Dad was a very emotionally/verbally abusive man in general, but certain things stick with you more than others. This is one of them. Please understand that this is not a joke and is not acceptable behavior.
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Today I am very hurt. We found out that we are having another sweet little girl. As much as Ship will love her, he was very disappointed that God had not answered his prayer for another boy. We have 2 girls and 1 boy.
At first he kept things to himself, but as the afternoon went on he said some very hurtful things. I asked him if he texted everyone to tell them we are having a girl and he said he would if he was having a boy. But since it was a girl why bother basically. I know he doesn't mean it, but this is a pretty normal reaction for him when he is upset.
I told him that the fact is that he is upset God didn't answer his prayer, not that he was having a girl. He agreed. I let him know he was hurting me. He kissed me on the head. He said something else about wanting a healthy baby with a penis. This hurt me deeply. I wanted him to celebrate with me.
He told me when he left for work that he loved me and our new baby...it's not her fault she is "just a girl."
Remember, he has a dry sense of humor. I know he was kidding, but these words stabbed me right in the heart anyway.
Dr Harley says we shouldn't be the butt of each others' jokes. I have told Ship many times that jokes are only funny bc they have some truth to them. He withdrew major, major points from my lovebank today. After thinking about this today, I want to caution you against seeing your H as verbally abusive or having unacceptable attitudes because of the way he responded to this news. Anointed, you must be aware that people have strong feelings about wanting boys or wanting girls. This does not make them abusive or unacceptable - although they should refrain for speaking of the disappointment in ways that might reach the child one day. I've known people who have had only one sex of child and because of that, longed for the other. I have a friend who has 5 boys and no girls. She was as proud as punch after boy no.1 - I always had the impression that she pitied me for not having delivered a boy as my firstborn. She was still happy with boy no.3, and would get bristly when people implied that she must be disappointed with him after going through so much pregnancy trauma. She wasn't disappointed in him at all, but by pregnancy no.4 she admitted that she and her H would like a girl. She never implied that they didn't love their boys - but a mixed family would be nice. A daughter would be lovely for her in the all-male household. She found out during pregnancy 5 that she was having another boy, and she said that her heart ached for her H, whose face she saw drop at the news - just for a moment, then he was back to saying he was happy to have a healthy baby. Their 5, strapping, handsome boys are now aged 15-23 and making their way in the world. They are wonderful and any parent would be proud of them, but if she sometimes wishes she could have had a daughter I would understand that. My own mother had daughters and no sons and only as I grew older did I hear her talk about the loss she felt. A lot of people will tell you that sons have a special relationship with their mothers. As little children they adore their mothers in a way that girls might not, and even when they are grown up they hold a soft spot for their mothers. Whether that is true or not, my mother appeared to have felt that she missed out on something very special by not having a doting son. Yes, I know that both doting sons, and sugar-and-spice girls, can grow up to be drug addicts and axe murderers, and that, in most cases, we end up loving our kids to the ends of the earth regardless of sex, but that's not the point. It's that many people have (irrational, perhaps) desires when it comes to wanting sons or daughters - or the perfect balance of both, as your H seems to want. That doesn't make them bad, abusive, unacceptable or cruel. It's just a disappointment for now, and even if it remains a disappointment for life that he did not have another son, it does not mean that your H will not love the girl he is given. I've seen that it is possible to quietly, and infrequently, mourn what you have "lost" without associating that loss with the child that was given.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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I need to add:
It is, though, unacceptable for a husband to continually upset his wife, and to continually upset his pregnant wife is really not nice.
It seems that your H repeatedly expressed his disappointment to you, his pregnant wife who he is supposed to be protecting. He joked about the perfect child "with a penis" and said other things when, if he could not have said anything nice he need not have said anything at all. Not in that way. I suppose radical honesty would have required him to admit that he was disappointed when it came to talking about the test result, but it did not require him to keep saying upsetting things to you, who is carrying that child.
Upsetting you, or being indifferent to your upset at his jokes, was wrong. It was uncaring and thoughtless - but I urge you to resist seeing his disappointment about the baby's sex as evidence of his innate cruelty.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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since it was a girl �why bother�
He said something else about wanting a healthy baby with a penis.
it's not her fault she is "just a girl." Anointed, you must be aware that people have strong feelings about wanting boys or wanting girls.
That doesn't make them bad, abusive, unacceptable or cruel. I agree, SugarCane, and I never called Ship bad or cruel. However, this statements ARE abusive because they are DJs. This makes them unacceptable. If this were the only thing Ship has ever said, perhaps I would have posted differently. However, here are Ship�s other statements over the past year: �he just tells me that I know this is how they are, so am I just going to love them anyway (when she is hurt by his family�s actions)
He said that a real man shouldn't have to ask permission from his wife about every little thing. He said that is why men today don't have .....um...*alls
He ended up cursing at me�
�he started cursing and saying that if I want to "be that way" there are consequences...
He just informed me that �procrastination had caught up with me��
He did have an AO during the discussion
�when we got in bed he asked for SF. I said that I wasn't feeling very close to him... He said that I basically just said "no." I explained that it was similar to the part in Lovebusters where the wife felt "raped�"I told him that I felt used sometimes when my needs aren't being met. He took great offense to that�
�he said that I was not allowing him to have an opinion about MB because I told him I was discouraged by his stance
Then he came home in a horrible mood and was just having an AO in general in frustration�he was lashing out at pretty much everyone�
Anointed: I really don't feel comfortable with you going out to lunch today.
Mr. Anointed: Seriously!?!? I sent you the invitation. It will not look good if I don't go�Where's the win -win in this?? What is with this attitude?
Right after our discussion about my insecurities (we are talking a few minutes) he started having another AO because we were going to be late for something.
�he stated several times that getting aggravated is going to happen. (re: eliminating AOs)
(re: being date-raped) He then went on a long lecture about how I can't blame the guy 100% since I put myself in such a situation. It wasn't a simple sentence...it was a long, angry lecture about how I can't blame him for everything and that I need to take responsibility.
He then said that it doesn't make any sense to do that since I never have my phone on me anyway.
Yesterday morning my husband made a teasing comment about how the pockets on the back of my pants are stretching to their limit... he said that it is a fear of his and starts to go on and on in a playful way of all the things that could happen to me if I overeat (double chin, etc).
He said with a smirk, "How are you going to make chili?" When I explained he said, "that is not my idea of chili." I asked him how he'd like me to do lunch, and he said never mind because he's �not allowed to have an opinion.�
He had also made a little jab to me yesterday morning about our last SF
�he made a comment about the dog bed I bought. "Could you have picked a prettier color?"
He had an AO that included cursing and telling me that since I've been in my own F-ing world all day I can just take care of everything else on my own.
�he said something about me being a smart alec
�he said I expect the worst out of him
He says I am much worse about AO than he is.
He was very angry and cursed at me and told me how cruel he can be
..he was mad because he thought I was trying to make him expose during Christmas break
I like to have him with me face to face (re:sex). He got very upset with me today when I told him this.
He got pretty upset with me and said, "Let me tell you simple-minded people how this works..."
He says I blow things out of proportion.
But he did say that if someone cuts him off in traffic, he is free to say whatever he wants to the "idiot" who put his family in danger.
..he said that he felt the same way about me but I don't see him crying about it.
But I feel so upset. I know that it is detrimental to travel in a marriage. I told him I wanted to go, but he said even if we had the $ to buy my plane ticket he would feel like I'm just checking up on him. He said I make him sound incapable of protecting us.
The problem came in when he asked for clarification, he got upset
�my daughter offered me a piece of chocolate, and my H said something like, "thanks a lot. Like she really needs that." And I asked him about the chocolate comment, and he said he did it out of fear. He doesn't want a fat wife, and he knows I struggle with eating stuff like that. (I am not fat, but [I am a size] woman's 4).
Yesterday, my DH said that if I didn't feel like making dinner that I was neglecting my wifely duties.
He said, "So you admit it's all your fault."
I asked him if he could ask about me during our conversation, and he said, "What are you?"
He looked in the fridge and saw that some produce had started to go bad, and he was upset about it. (wasteful)
He said, "How many times did you eat out?" Twice. He got really upset and said something like, it's stuff like that that just eats our finances up. He then said something like, "You are on your way to going back to work."
He said, "What do you want me to do? Cry with you?" This is ALL abuse. Anointed, I would take Dr. Harley's advice very, very seriously. My heart is with you, and for you. Separating does not mean the end of the marriage: it means the end of the abuse and a chance for your H to be truly motivated to STOP IT.
"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen
(Changed my profile name, as it was appearing in Google searches. Yikes!)
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I will readily admit that I was disappointed that pregnancy 2 and pregnancy 3 were girls.
I would have loved to have had a son.
And yes, my wife could read the disappointment on my face both times.
That in no way, form, shape, or fashion means I don't love my daughters. And there will be no more children. Three is enough.
Even the dog is female in my house. All I have on my side is DD12's hamster...
...
..
.
But! I have 6 wonderful nephews.
Now, if I can just convince the wife to stop barbing me about my inability to produce boys...
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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If my hand was burning on a hot stove, I'd remove my hand. If my heart was breaking because someone was stomping on it, I'd remove my heart, heal, then decide whether I'd give them another chance. Here I am, giving you this advice Anointed. Shame on me! I'm in this boat myself. It's easier said than done. Sorry to pressure you. This is your decision - no one else's. 
"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen
(Changed my profile name, as it was appearing in Google searches. Yikes!)
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Anointed, I miss you. I'm sorry - did I hurt you? Please don't let me keep you away from coming here. I'll be more careful - or just not post to yhou at all if I'm upsetting you. I hope you and baby are doing well, dear! ~ Z
"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen
(Changed my profile name, as it was appearing in Google searches. Yikes!)
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If he wants a boy, then that's on him since it depends on which of his swimmers takes the gold so to speak. So any failure to get the preferred gender is on dad 
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Anointed, I miss you. I'm sorry - did I hurt you? Please don't let me keep you away from coming here. I'll be more careful - or just not post to yhou at all if I'm upsetting you. I hope you and baby are doing well, dear! ~ Z Hi Zhamila, No you did not hurt me. I've been incredibly busy the last couple of weeks and though this forum has been on my heart, I have not really known what to post. Baby girl and I are doing well...just very sore and uncomfortable. 18 more weeks...18 more weeks...18 more weeks.
Married 20 yrs
Me:FBW
Him: FWH
4 children
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Thank you everyone for chiming in about Ship's disappointment in the sex of this child. I have to admit I was disappointed (and surprised really) that I was having another girl, but that quickly faded into absolute excitement!
God knows what He is doing.
Thank you for validating my hurt in his reaction, and thank you for comforting me in your experiences. It's okay that he was disappointed.
I really appreciate your support.
Married 20 yrs
Me:FBW
Him: FWH
4 children
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Hi Anointed Been wondering where you and Ship were!
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Baby girl and I are doing well...just very sore and uncomfortable. 18 more weeks...18 more weeks...18 more weeks. So glad you're back, I missed you.
"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen
(Changed my profile name, as it was appearing in Google searches. Yikes!)
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Thanks you two.
Well, things aren't great right now. It is mainly due to circumstance, but it still feels crappy.
Three weeks ago we had a bunch of Ship's family come in to town for their staycation. It was supposed to be a vacation for us as well, but since I did some of the hosting it didn't feel very relaxing for me. That was not POJA'ed, but in his family they are getting better about asking if they can use my home for functions...now, is it really ok to say no? That is another question.
We were running from sun up til sun down, and at one point they had me so upset I was ready to drive to my mother's house out of town just to get away from them. But I was a big girl and addressed the situation respectfully and explained how I had felt disrespected by not being consulted on their plans with my house...again. We seemed to work it out.
His family tends to get me all kinds of worked up.
Anyway, since I'm pregnant (a difficult pregnant at that) I did not feel up to SF for that week that they were here. Then it was his birthday week after they left, and I still was feeling completely exhausted from their being here. I still did not meet his need for SF.
We were going to bed late, and I told him it was too difficult for me to get in the mood when my body was hurting and tired. At one point I said I'm not really in the mood but if he would massage me and touch me it would help me get in the mood. He just laid there.
We had no SF the week BEFORE his family came. SF 1X the week they came, and 1X the week after they came. That is not working obviously...especially since he would prefer 4-6X a week!
I'm feeling so lousy, so achey, so tired, and frankly as sexy as a pig in a pigpen. I approached Ship yesterday about having SF in the afternoon when he had gotten home from work and got undressed from the waist down. He kinda just looked at me. I said, "what?" He said, "nothing." I asked him to be honest, and he said that me getting undressed was not the GO button for him.
I understand that, but crap! I'm trying! I am feeling so disconnected from him, so I just got dressed and went about my day.
We have not been having UA time the past 3 weeks getting ready for company, having company, and recovering from company (as well as a small weekend getaway thrown in the mix).
I'd like to try again. I would appreciate it if he would make SF as pleasant and safe for me as possible. Right now, unfortunately it is feeling more like a task for me, and I don't want to start getting an aversion for it.
It's the same with blowjobs. He complains so much about it that even though I've done it every few months or so it feels like a waste since he continues to complain.
When we were dating he would massage me for an HOUR and we'd do our best to keep our hands off each other! Now, I ask him to rub my back or legs and he just doesn't want to.
I don't think we are being honest with each other enough. I am being more honest, and I think it is making him feel rejected.
But since I am a buyer, I need SF to be mutually fulfilling. Just because I have an orgasm it does not mean I am fulfilled by the experience.
Gah. I don't think I want him reading this.
I enjoy intimate time with him very much. I would appreciate it if he would work with my body to get it to cooperate instead of the responsibility of getting us BOTH aroused being in my court when I'm not that interested due to discomfort to begin with!
Bottom line:
UA-0
LBs-decreased but still happen here and there
EN- not being met AT ALL on either side
I told Ship we needed to start getting those 15 hrs in, and he said "why can't we just spend more time together?" I said "because that obviously doesn't work. We need a plan."
Frustrated.
Last edited by Anointed; 08/09/12 04:59 PM.
Married 20 yrs
Me:FBW
Him: FWH
4 children
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Bottom line:
UA-0
LBs-decreased but still happen here and there
EN- not being met AT ALL on either side This is why you are not interested in sex. An assignment that I have often given couples who struggle with the issue of sexual frequency is for them to engage in three hours of affection and intimate conversation before having sex. Most men feel at first that it's too much work just to have sex. But after they get the hang of it, they find that it's much easier than they thought it would be. Furthermore, it's part of his responsibility as a husband to meet her most important emotional needs, and an essential way to maintain her love for him.
When a husband meets his wife's needs for affection and intimate conversation, she finds it much easier to meet his need for sexual fulfillment. Of course, the converse is also true. The more she meets his need for sexual fulfillment, the easier it is for him to meet her emotional needs for affection and intimate conversation.
I have created a rule that's designed to help couples meet each other's most important emotional needs. I call it the Policy of Undivided Attention: Give your spouse your undivided attention a minimum of 15 hours each week using the time to meet each other's emotional needs for affection, intimate conversation, sexual fulfillment and recreational companionship. This rule helps turn a sexual act into a sexual event. As a result, couples who follow this policy are able to increase their frequency of lovemaking with enthusiastic agreement. They plan a four-hour date four times a week where all four emotional needs are met on each date.
he needs in marriage?You both should read that article.
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How's it going, Anointed?
"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen
(Changed my profile name, as it was appearing in Google searches. Yikes!)
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Hi Zhamila. I haven't updated because nothing has really changed. I read what Prisca posted about SF and I think Ship read it. We are having SF a little more often but the UA time is still nonexistent. I dont know how to get Ship on board with it bc we are both a little stuck w our schedule. It's busy. Just like everyone else's.
You make time for what is important. I know this.
We are just treading water right now.
I do feel a lot better painwise with this pregnancy since a couple of my friends prayed for me Saturday night. I'm still tired and a little moody, but I'm so thankful to not be hurting right now!! I literally hurt everyday from the start until recently.
I am more enthusiastic about working out again, but truthfully I really need to be asleep by 10 to feel rested. That cuts into UA time (if it were planned).
Lots on my mind...painting and working on 3 different rooms in my home getting ready for the baby. Keeping up with the kids and hubby and friends. Needing Ship to get a better paying job...he doesn't like the jobs I find but he doesn't like looking for himself. He doesn't want to go to a placement agency and here we are STILL unhappy with our income. Something has to give.
ACTION in so many areas need to happen. Initiative would be greatly appreciated
Married 20 yrs
Me:FBW
Him: FWH
4 children
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Anointed, honey, wow. I *so* feel for you. My marriage was *just* like that, job stresses from my then-H's career. My xh tells folks who ask him why we divorced, that I divorced him because I was unwilling to be supportive of his career. And there's a lot of truth in that. He felt very strongly that we would need to move, like his coworkers did, if he were to find a non-travelling job. And I very much wanted him to get a non-travelling job. But when we tried moving, his AOs got worse.
But it doesn't have to be that way, folks come back from much worse. Maybe you need to slow down and negotiate together. WHat would make him enthusiastic about applying for job A B and C? What would make you two enthusiastic about living on less? Take your time, be patient, you two can do this!
Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
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It sounds like his LB$ is just as low as yours.
It's hard to be enthusiastic about meeting your spouse's needs when you are both in the red. And it's hard to get out of the red when making the necessary time to make significant deposits is placed on the back-burner.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Anointed, have you considered Dr. Harley's advice to you on the radio any more? They re-ran your email this week: he said you should get out because of his AOs (especially since being pregnant puts you in a more vulnerable position). He needs help. You need safety and healing. (Listen'na me....O She who doesn't take her OWN ADVICE!) 
"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen
(Changed my profile name, as it was appearing in Google searches. Yikes!)
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