Wife & I had our 20th anniversary in June, no previous marriages, 4 beautiful kids age 8-15 (boy, girl, boy, girl) - a perfect family, but our marriage seemed to lack love this year - just routine.

Through summer I was getting disturbed with her 4-6 hour "shopping" outings alone, especially on weekends when I finally was home to spend time with her. Sexual fulfillment was diminishing. In a blow-up 2.5 weeks ago, I said maybe she shouldn't have married me & she agreed - wow, I expected a denial and patch-up. She said she needs time to sort out her thinking, and I thought she was just stressed again and needed some relief from kids, me & hectic schedules. Tried to talk a few times since then, but she was reluctant to open up.

Last night she presented me with a letter revealing an adulterous relationship, how horrible she feels, how she doesn't deserve to stay, and admitted to having sex with him. I spent the evening sobbing and pleading with her to end it and we would fix our marriage, but she says she's not sure she wants to end it.

I've been in shock, not much sleep, waking up several times with gut-wrenching pain and visual images of the love I was missing from her was being freely given to a stranger she met a few months back.

I called in sick today, In between emotional breakdowns I read all parts to Coping With Infidelity. She doesn't want to hurt the guy in ending all contact, but I said how can you weigh that against the hurt you will cause to everyone that loves you once this is exposed? I said at this point it's only me that knows, so she can end it all now and nobody else would ever know, but she's asking for more time, but I said I can't keep quiet forever - I need to talk to someone for support.

I know she's hurting too because she's caught in the middle of 2 loves and doesn't know which way to go.

What to do - wait & see? Expose? I don't feel angry like I would expose out of vengeance, I just feel crushed and weep looking around the home at reminders of past better days.

mrkie, welcome to Marriage Builders. I'm so sorry your circumstances have brought you here, but you're at the right place.

Your first order of business is to kill the affair. Who is this hound dog? Do they work together? Is he married?

How are they communicating? Cell phone? You need to slap some spyware on your WW's cell phone (without her knowledge!)Computer? Get a keylogger on there. We have good resources that can help you order these things. Do they communicate on Facebook?

Have you spoken with OM and told him that his life will be a miserable HELL if he continues his nasty activities with YOUR WIFE?

Do not tell your WW (wayward wife) about this site. This is your resource for killing the affair.

You can save your marriage - listen carefully to the advice you will be given.

After you answer Maritalbliss's questions please read these.
Exposure 101
Carrot and Stick of Plan A
Thread to help newly betrayed spouses

Instinctively people don't expose because they don't want to upset their spouse when things are already on thin ice. But your only hope is full exposure, because the A can't survive in the light of day in truth. Please do the reading and then come back here, there will be vets on here to walk you through how to handle this. If you follow the plan you have a very high chance of recovering your M.

First you should calm down. We can help you save your marriage if you can put aside your emotions [no easy feat!] and follow a plan.

And no, you can't wait and see. The longer you wait to act, the less likely you are to save your marriage. Your marriage is in trouble and it is time to act if you are serious about saving it.

What you should do - immediately - is expose the affair wide and far in a strategic, methodical way. Go to the OM's facebook page, copy and paste all his contacts into a WORD doc for safekeeping. Do this first.

Then go to the link in my signature and carefully read the exposure thread. It will give you a strategy along with templates. If you can follow those instructions, you have a chance to save your marriage. Affairs thrive on secrecy so exposure is your most powerful weapon against the affair.

Come back here and lets discuss!

Expose, Expose, Expose....

You can only save this marriage by killing the affair first. NOTHING else you say or do will make a bit of difference until the fantasy-world of the affair is brought into reality. NOTHING.

Believe me..I know, as do many others here.

You have a lot of material to read that others have expertly provided you with. I just wanted to added support. You are not alone.

My story is proof that exposure works. Before I did it, nothing swayed my husband. The desire to not tell anyone is because you are fearful that she will bolt and for her, that she can't continue cake-eating if it gets out in the open.

The longer the cake-eating, the harder it is to save your marriage. Yes, she will be angry, but that's par for the course here. Kill the affair and whatever you do - don't warn her anymore about your telling others. When you do it you do it without warning.

You will need to prepare yourself for all kinds of awfulness that she might say to you after you expose; you need to know that NONE of it matters. In my case, I heard all kinds of horrible things! But here we are - it will be 3 months in November since we reconciled and we are happier than we have ever been!

Also, in my situation, my children did an excellent job of holding my H accountable for his actions. (They were 14, 16, and 18 at them time.)

You are in for a fight so you're going to have to put aside those emotions, like Mel said. The good news here is that your wife already confessed. At least you don't have the problem of having to come up with evidence. You will just need to expose first so that your wife isn't able to spin a tall tale before you get the chance.

Exposure is actually a very loving act and it's hard to see that when you're emotional. It's not about revenge. It's about cracking through to someone who is engaging in a terrible thing - infidelity. It's about doing what must be done to save your family; to save those precious children from a broken home!

The other good news here is that your wife has made the statement that she is torn, which means you're still in the running. Let that give you strength to do what might go against what "feels right" versus what you need to do.

Well, dude, I'm sorry you're here, but you've already heard from some experts in busting up affairs and giving your marriage a chance.

Here is the recipe you should follow immediately:

NG'S HANDBOOK FOR BETRAYED HUSBANDS

1- KEEP ALL THESE ARRANGEMENTS SECRET FROM YOUR WAYWARD WIFE!
2 � Put a keylogger on any computer you can access that she might use.
3 � Put a spy program on any cell that she might use. (�Eblaster� can cover #4 as well.)
4 � Put a GPS on her car, reporting to your computer.
5 � Put a VAR in her car, and in any room she might use to take �personal� calls
6 � Get a mini-audio-recorder, and have it in your possession and �on� whenever in her presence.
7 � Put together an e-address list of anyone who might have influence on her � parents, siblings (sisters, especially), coworkers, college friends, clergy, hairdresser, anyone.
8 � Put together a similar list for the POSOM.
WHEN YOU HAVE SUFFICIENT EVIDENCE,
9 � Put together the electronic evidence for each AP.
10 - Write a cover note for your wife�s contacts, to the tune of: �I must unhappily inform you that my wife, XXXXXX, is carrying on an illicit affair with YYYYYY. I am hoping to recover our marriage, and ask if you have any influence over her, to urge her to abandon her cheating lifestyle and return to me and our family. Her cell number is 111-222-3333�
11 � Write a similar note to POSOM�s contacts.
12 � Send out both packages, to all contacts at one time.
13 � Brace yourself.

You didn't say, but I'm inferring that she's bouncing around with a co-worker. If so, publicizing this at work will be mandatory.

Thank you all for your consistent replies and support! I'm about to go read the additional links provided, but will share that this is not a co-worker. This is an unmarried teacher in his late 20's or early 30's at one of the schools where my kids go, where he was the tennis coach, and it all spawned from when she went to the practices. I'm already checking into the school district ethics/code of conduct material to see if I can add some weight to my note to him...

Your note to him is not the issue. ("I understand you're boning my wife. Please stop!") Your note to the principal, the school board president, the director of athletics, the teacher union president, and whatever parent/teacher group is extant in your situation, and (if you have one) your friend the local reporter, will be the hammer you want to bring down! Recklessness right now will be a virtue, so after retaining him, copy the nastiest, most tenacious lawyer in town as your counsel in pursuing remedy from their lack of oversight and control over their employee. Rather than YOU deciding how the moral behavior clause might apply, get THEM wetting themselves to find out how THEY can use it to discard this liability!

THAT'S what we mean by radical and nuclear exposure!

mrkie,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I know it all to well. (I am about three months past DDay of a very long term affair by my wife). The words I bolded above capture so well how I too feel.

You will get great advice here. Do not suggest to her in any way that that you are even remotely considering exposure.

It is highly unlikely she will end it properly without you taking the lead.

For what it is worth, I think your wife has true remorse and her telling you is almost amazing. I think they usually never come some clean without being pushed. My thought is she may not be conscious of it, but she told you because she wants your help to end it. Keep your cool and expose.

I know what you are experiencing is incredibly hard, but for the sake of your kids, yourself, and your wife, stop sobbing, do not plead or beg, step up and be the best man you can be. (I know its easier said then done, and I shed a couple of tears in front of my wife during this ordeal, but overall i have been stronger than I ever could have imagined. At times of weakness I think of my kids and how, even if the worst happens and we end it div., I want to be able to look them in the eye five or ten years from know and say I tried, worked, and fought as hard as I could to save our family and their mother. I am sure you will want to do the same.)

Get your sleep and take care of yourself, form a plan, and execute. Do it better than I did.

Exposure is not a deal breaker it is a marriage saver! I can't give you any advice better than what you are getting. All I can tell you is I probably would not have ended my affair as quickly as I did if my Husband would not have exposed it right away.

He exposed it far and wide less than 20 minutes after he found out. This not only shocked me into the reality of what I was doing but it ended the excitement of the entire affair...the secrecy behind it.

Your wife is definitely crying out to you to find a way to make it stop. She may not show it right after you have exposed but hopefully she will thank you one day.

Stay strong and keep reading...you are in the best place you can be on this forum.

Okay - here's your starting point. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? This guy is entrusted with the safety of children while he is destroying marriages??? You need to inform the superintendent and principal. Let them know that one of their employees is severely breaching his role as protector and mentor of children by screwing one of his pupils' mother.

mrkie,

I want to second what 15year stated. My W has thanked me for exposing, stating that it SAVED HER. WS'sare caught in an adiiction, and often can't/don't know how to disentangle themselves from the tragic mess.

Be a hero, expose, and save our wife!

And, GloveOil is spot on -- I exposed to OMs family, but what really caught his attention was exposing to his general contractor (who did NOT want to jeopardize million-dollar contracts), hospital director of operations, and union hall. OM was fired within an hour of exposure letters being received.

That was only the first shot across his bow...as Marital syas alot - OMs are cowards, weasels, and can be run off. Just so you know, my W will state from time to time that she is aware and grateful for who fought for her, and who did not.

Being an educator myself, I know you have a powerful tool I wish I had: one letter to a principal/superintendent and this OM is toast.

Get to exposing (but don't tell anyone your plans -- just prepare and execute the plan).

EXPOSE!

Just to be clear.

GloveOil,

VERY good call...CC exposure letters to the principal, the supe, asst. supe, ANY member of the district's administrative team, and each member of the school board separately.

(thanks for chiming in, and thanks for all your continued guidance, GO).

t/j - Hi Dad! I haven't seen you on here for a while. Good to hear from you! I hope everything is going well for you and Mrs. Dad.
end t/j

MB,

I'll post over on my own thread soon with an update...

Looking forward to it.