Just for a visit!

we are about 8 weeks into recovery and things are improving. WW and I have followed ALL steps according to MB with one of the last, relocating, in the aggressive works. My wife has continued with the EPs and continues to make every effort to remain transparent. Some days are tough, for both, she always faces the pain and humiliation of what the fallout of her A. We r still fine tuning our UA time but I have committed to learning what makes her "tick" as far as ENs. So has she. I have read some of the recontact stories on the Recovery forum and they do make one feel hopeless at times. I agree the best protection is good Eps with verification and examining you marriage to met EN. I want this to workout for the long term and sometimes it's very hard to see that some do fall off the wagon when least expected. I tell my wife I give her this one opportunity for our marriage to be what it always wasn't. If she values that and reignites that love for me then it should remain affair proof on both ends.

Kgaaa, those who fell off the wagon were NOT unexpected. We predicted it would happen. Go read the hundreds of us who have not had repeat affairs because we followed the program. Do you see now why we are so adamant about sticki g to the program?

Taking things day by day with alot of our time being invested in our efforts to relocate. When it is put out there that you must stick to "the program" what is that defined as? Are the most successful recoverys from reading Harley's 3 main books and following MB principles? Or is it the online program that has worked in the most successful recoverys? I know that I have been doing alot of reading and my wife and I both know that we should be spending morw time reading our books and doing the workbook. I feel as if I have gained so much of the basic principles from reading SAA and researching this site that we are able to put this plan into action. It just feels to me that I would like a much more structured way to see our progress than grabbing a book and reading when we can. The triggers in this area r a battle each day, but the knowledge that it someday will be a thing of the past is comforting.

Working day to day focusing on how to meet each other needs. Spending time together and keeping tabs on EPs. As I've re-read my previous posts and replies and as we get closer to relocating our family to another state, I still get hung up daily in my mind that if my wife is STILL in love with this OM, how could she even fall back into love with me. My wives and I relationship seems good as ever post affair, unless I have brought up the A or I get angry over the events. This has ceased for the most part and we really are calmly going through each day and focusing more on our future and how to rebuild our family and marriage for the best. Like I've stated, I constantly get hung up on the part of people saying she is in love with this OM. I completely get that those feelings were triggered in the A and that that risk always is present for past "lovers"...how is a BS supposed to have hope that there wives heart and feelings return 100 percent to there H if feeling remain for OM? If her love bank overflows withbme as we work through this how could anyone still have feeling for the other person. Just confusing to me.

Her feelings for the OM will fade as long as she is not triggered by his presence and as long as she falls back in love with you. You are doing the right things to make that happen.

When I say follow the program, we mean to go through and methodically implement each and every one of the Basic Concepts, ESPECIALLY the 20+ hours of UA time. It doesn't work without that step.

Just putting this out there for some advise. This evening my WW and I went to visit my parents to officially tell them that we were relocating out of state. They new about my wives affair when it was exposed, but we had not officially informaed them that relocating was in the cards. They are the closest to our children and have done much for the family over the years.

I read on here over and over how some couples do relocate and some do not. Success stories in both situations. I am on board to relocate as is my wife. We see the upside to the move and know how it can aid in the success of the marriage.

I am also seeing the downside to it with the stress it places on the family, the kids, and ultimatley the marriage itself. I am in NO way saying that the best solution is to relocate after such an event, but, yes I know my famous "but", how have families or BS or WW managed to live through there live if relocation is NOT an option.

I know EP's must be firm and in place, you must control triggers and so on. Can anyone explain the life they had to lead while staying in the same location?

Also how is it best to tell family, friends, co-workers, ect... about the reason for the move. I have exposed the A to all people recomended which included, close family, friends that will support marriage, OMW ect...BUT what do you tell neighbors, distant friends, kids friends ect??? I don't feel that the A should truly be exposed to those not intended but ALL will soon see that you are relocating.. Home for sale sign in yard, co-workers asking why the relocation ect.

My thought was to tell those that we would not normally expose A to was that we were relocating for personal and work related reasons.

Moving is stressful enough without of having to come up with a story for everyone as to why. Again thanks for the input. Also my immididate families thoughts was that we (wife and I) were moving to fast with the relocation idea. They asked her to just stay away from the OM and for us to focus on us and the kids. WW agreed that she would but the triggers and thoughts that were affecting me was what was important and we needed the "fresh" start for the health of our marriage and family.

I am not familiar with these success stories where the affairees lived in a small town and did not move. Can you show me where these are? Rather, I know of so many where the affair started up again because the WS was in a state of perpetual withdrawal.


Here is one such story where relocating was "not an option." The affair did not end,[off and on again for years] the couple is getting divorced and their son is being treated for severe depression.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2716
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2717
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2718

But if you know of a way that a marriage can recover while living close to the OP, I would like to know about it because I have no idea how it is done.


The downside of staying is a) resumed affair, b) divorce, c) your children's family is destroyed.

The downside of MOVING is short term stress.

Moving will not be a downside to your marriage, though. It will be all UPSIDE.

I agree with this. The news does not need to be spread around.



And if she is honest, she will admit that SHE is triggered too. That is the biggest problem. But, you need to move SOON, not later. I think that is so wonderful that you are getting advice from your family, but they have no idea how to save marriages and don't understand the risk that living there presents to your marriage.

You are NOT "moving too fast" because obviously, the faster you are removed from the risk, the sooner your marriage will recover and be safe from the triggers. Even moving into another home will help your marriage immensely. Your new home won't be a reminder of the horrendous pain you have suffered from her affair.

Do the people you exposed your WW's affair to also know about your past affairs? Your children, parents, etc?


Also, did you and your wife heal from your affairs or did the affairs just stop and ya'll moved forward in your marriage?

I ask because of a similar situtation.

Here's the show ot KGaa12 and his wife and the Harleys ask him about his past affair.

Radio clip
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4

BrainHurts - the champion of the "3 Minute File"!

some days I'm a lot slower!!

Thank you!

I was able to listen to it...first time my computer would cooperate!

I heard that the older dd knows about his affairs but do the others, parents, etc?

Good questions. Have you read his WW's thread? I think she discussed some of it, if I remember correctly.
whathappened76's thread

I did not see the answer on her thread but I could have missed it.

To date most of our discussions have been centered around relocating to another state. ww is MUCH closer to obtaining a job offer but I am kinda at a stand still. I am starting to feel the great preasures og the damage the A caused me along with the stress of trying to relocate and afford my family and kids the same life we have here. I hate admitting the fact that all we have accomplished here...new home, good careers, close to family all has to be changed because of this event.

I sometimes start to beleive we can make it here, but know I would ultimatley feel a better sense of " peace" elsewhere. The OM does not live right in our backyard nor does he work with my WW. Actually he is known to leave the area frequently for business.

My wife IS doing what she must in the meantime to meet the EP's here. She doesnt hardly go anywhere alone and her life is an open book with constant check in's and transparentcy to leave no question with things.

I do my homework to double check and ensure all is in line. We are spending as much ua time as possible when demands of kids and work don 't interfere.

The relocating thing is much harder than anticipated and I must admit I do start leaning toward making an affair proof marriage and remaining put.

I know posters as well as Dr. H recommend a move, but is a good affair proofed marriage and constantly enforced EPs a good second route?

WW admits that she can not see or engage this OM forever. I told her she DID before and her attitide has changed saying...I had no boundrie, I was not feeling good inside and I mad the decision to engage it this terrible decision. ww says she now has boundries is devasted by her poor decision and see's all the damage it has caused.

WW is all for relocating, but feels she is prepared to show "just compensation" in either enviroment. She says she is focused on me and her kidsand looks at OM as the cause of all this turmoil and ill feelings.

What is the likelihood of her running into him?

Because no amount of boundaries will help if she sees him again because her addiction will be triggered. That is how affairs start up again.

In the area in which live you can not see someone for years on end or you can pass buy the same person twice in the same week. I agree and so does she that if she would chose to see or even speak in conversation with the OM the risk exsists to reignite the A. WW says her boundries would not allow her to engage him or anyone else because she is aware of what could transpire. Yes a different locationwould prohibit this but altogether....but you may not also see this OM for 20 years.