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I think you don't want to because your like the drunk that got a DUI. You really aren't sorry you were encouraging your wife to have sex with other men, you're only upset you lost control of the situation. Like the drunk that is upset the cop pulled him over.
Seriously, you need to be a man and take responsibility for you actions before worrying about your wife's. Otherwise you have NO moral authority complaining about her affair. ding ding ding Ladies and gentelmen, we have a winner.
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Update I found via snooping that the wife has joined twitter and was looking at OM. I am not that ofay with twitter or if you can message in private etc like Facebook. But I confronted her about it staying calm and asked her if she had been on twitter etc and she said no didn't understand it etc, got her to confirm she not been on it etc and still she said no. So then I asked her why was she lieing and looking at the OM profile etc, basically she was p1ssed off in a big way saying I don't trust her, she feels watched, spied on etc.
I said I did trust her but was suspiouces/paranoid etc after what has happened and how it happened and that I wouldnt be like it if she hadn't done it and also if I didn't love or care about her I wouldn't do it. Said I do care n love her and want to protect her and can't help worrying that OM tries to contact her and that it will time for the feelings of suspicion/paranoia to go.
At the moment she isn't talking to me much so not sure where this was a LB or one that had to be done. You need to treat her like an addict in that respect. Dont worry about pissing her off as you will have no chance otherwise. If she keeps retriggering you will keep going back to Day 1 of withdrawal each time she looks him up or is triggered. Dont apologise for not trusting her, her accusation is just the addiction talking. She knows deep down that any normal protective husband would act the same way. I would just stick to key phrases 'I will do whatever it takes to keep him away from you' or 'I never want us to have secrets from each other ever again' 'I will protect you even if it is uncomfortable for you' then ignore whatever justification she bleats for being addicted. Exposure is sounding like a very urgent need to get her out of the fog. Has ANYONE been exposed to so they can help you protect her? Indie, what is he protecting her from? He refuses to take responsibility for his actions. He ENcouraged his wife to have sex with other men and is upset she fell in lov with one of them. He needs to expose this and fully expose his role in introducing his wife to this "lifestyle" and apologize to her parents, his son and his wife. And the apology needs to be sincere. Not his stupid excuse he keeps repeating "we both enjoyed it". It needs to be I was wrong and the "lifestyle " is wrong and against everything the convenant of marriage stands for. I'm so sorry I brought this wickedness into my marriage. Until then he is just an unrepentant wayward. Two wayward spouses. I feel so sorry for that 11 year old boy
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All since I am on phone it's hard to reply to each individually but I will in the morning. But exposure was done to family's (apart from son fully) close friends etc, I also made the apologies to my wife for what happened etc post my affair and I thought we had covered that in the earlier parts of my thread. We had been concentrating on plan A and the things she has been saying to me lately and how I response to them
BH
Married 13yrs, togther 18yrs
1 son, 11yrs
DD: 27th July, Current status plan A
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Having been a wayward, I can tell you that its a big mistake at this point to introduce a woman who will tell your wife that she meant *nothing* to OM.
This will likely induce in her a need to PROVE that what they had was REAL. That she was SPECIAL. She will need to contact him.
Is that what you want?
I know you think its going to click something in her brain and make her hate him. Not gonna happen. This is just not a good time for an ego-crushing... yeah I realise now is not the right time and the other person also said this but she said when the time is right she is willing to talk to her and tell her every along with the things I am doing like snooping/watching etc is perfectly normal and that she did far far worse
BH
Married 13yrs, togther 18yrs
1 son, 11yrs
DD: 27th July, Current status plan A
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[quote=dotnetdave]
I said I did trust her but was suspiouces/paranoid etc after what has happened and how it happened and that I wouldnt be like it if she hadn't done it and also if I didn't love or care about her I wouldn't do it. Said I do care n love her and want to protect her and can't help worrying that OM tries to contact her and that it will time for the feelings of suspicion/paranoia to go.
At the moment she isn't talking to me much so not sure where this was a LB or one that had to be done. You told her you trust her? Really? I would say 'of course I don't trust you. Would you agree that your behavior has been anything BUT trustworthy'. After Dday, I was scared to stand up strong to my WW. Know where that got me? In FR land. You both need to realize there is a huge difference between privacy and secrecy. Privacy = closing the door when you go to the rest room Secrecy = signing up for twitter stalking your lover without your H knowing Carrot and Stick. Plan A but she must know the consequences of bad, dishonorable behavior. What you CAN deal with is her anger, what you CAN'T deal with is the OM being in the picture. Ok so I pretty much did the right thing by confronting her n asking/telling her
BH
Married 13yrs, togther 18yrs
1 son, 11yrs
DD: 27th July, Current status plan A
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Update I found via snooping that the wife has joined twitter and was looking at OM. I am not that ofay with twitter or if you can message in private etc like Facebook. But I confronted her about it staying calm and asked her if she had been on twitter etc and she said no didn't understand it etc, got her to confirm she not been on it etc and still she said no. So then I asked her why was she lieing and looking at the OM profile etc, basically she was p1ssed off in a big way saying I don't trust her, she feels watched, spied on etc.
I said I did trust her but was suspiouces/paranoid etc after what has happened and how it happened and that I wouldnt be like it if she hadn't done it and also if I didn't love or care about her I wouldn't do it. Said I do care n love her and want to protect her and can't help worrying that OM tries to contact her and that it will time for the feelings of suspicion/paranoia to go.
At the moment she isn't talking to me much so not sure where this was a LB or one that had to be done. You need to treat her like an addict in that respect. Dont worry about pissing her off as you will have no chance otherwise. If she keeps retriggering you will keep going back to Day 1 of withdrawal each time she looks him up or is triggered. Dont apologise for not trusting her, her accusation is just the addiction talking. She knows deep down that any normal protective husband would act the same way. I would just stick to key phrases 'I will do whatever it takes to keep him away from you' or 'I never want us to have secrets from each other ever again' 'I will protect you even if it is uncomfortable for you' then ignore whatever justification she bleats for being addicted. Exposure is sounding like a very urgent need to get her out of the fog. Has ANYONE been exposed to so they can help you protect her? Indie, what is he protecting her from? Don't understand the question? Exposure tends to help protect waywards from themselves is all I meant.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Indie did I do the tight thing in terms of asking n confronting her about tonights incident? As right now she has hardly spoke to me since and spent the night in her room, so feels like a step back? In terms of exposure all family's n close friends no and there has been NC as far as I can tell GPS in car as well now, the only incident was like I said her founding on twitter n lying about it and looking at his feed on there
BH
Married 13yrs, togther 18yrs
1 son, 11yrs
DD: 27th July, Current status plan A
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All since I am on phone it's hard to reply to each individually but I will in the morning. But exposure was done to family's (apart from son fully) close friends etc, I also made the apologies to my wife for what happened etc post my affair and I thought we had covered that in the earlier parts of my thread. We had been concentrating on plan A and the things she has been saying to me lately and how I response to them Right you need your supporters to urge WW to stop checking up on OM for her own good. And your son needs to know what is really going on and that your actions exposed his mother to a brainwashing creep. Please don't leave him under the very scary delusion that you can't handle the uneventful courses of daily life without running the marriage into 'problems'. No child should believe couples are so incapable of basic interaction for no apparent reason. Dr H discovered an affair in his family at the age of five. He's always been aware of the insiduous ever present danger of affairs as a result. Learning about lifes dangers has to happen when they happen to us. Plus once your wife knows her son knows the facts and will never accept OM, she will quit daydreaming about him that much less. Be careful in not exposing HER as the primarily guilty party though. I would keep the focus very much on your own actions.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Indie did I do the tight thing in terms of asking n confronting her about tonights incident? As right now she has hardly spoke to me since and spent the night in her room, so feels like a step back? In terms of exposure all family's n close friends no and there has been NC as far as I can tell GPS in car as well now, the only incident was like I said her founding on twitter n lying about it and looking at his feed on there No you did right. Never fear a waywards anger. If you take their drug away from them they all react badly. You can survive her temporary anger, you can't survive ongoing contact or retriggering with OM. She's trying to gaslight you into doormathood right now. Its easy to do with a desperate BS (not to rub it in, but she's trying the same technique you did with calling her close minded to get her to swing) Make a big deal about being cheerful and unapologetic. Continue EN meeting, being confident, affectionate and fun and reply to her complaints with brief unapologetic 'I will do whatever it takes'. This will make her angrier of course, but she needs to see you won't be gaslit.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Have you read the carrot and stick of plan A?
Standing up to the A, the anger and completing exposure are the stick part.
If you miss these elements and seek only to keep an addict appeased, you'll be in Plan Doormat.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Guys I accept what your saying but please keep our son out of this, niether of us going to tell him all the sordid details. If you read the thread currently I am in plan A and trying to get my wife out of the fog and moving towards me do we can work together to rebuild our marriage  Your son is already 'in this'. Up to his eyeballs. He's a central figure in a family that is undergoing crisis. If you don't fill in the blanks to explain the source of the family tension, he will. And you will have zero control over what he puts in those blanks. And you can drop the whole 'sordid details' business. No one has advised you to lay out all the 'sordid details'. He doesn't need to know the 'sordid details'. There is an age-appropriate way to explain to a child the fracturing of the family when an affair occurs.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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No you did right.
Never fear a waywards anger. If you take their drug away from them they all react badly.
You can survive her temporary anger, you can't survive ongoing contact or retriggering with OM.
She's trying to gaslight you into doormathood right now. Its easy to do with a desperate BS (not to rub it in, but she's trying the same technique you did with calling her close minded to get her to swing)
Make a big deal about being cheerful and unapologetic. Continue EN meeting, being confident, affectionate and fun and reply to her complaints with brief unapologetic 'I will do whatever it takes'.
This will make her angrier of course, but she needs to see you won't be gaslit. Ok points taken on board, i pretty much got the cold sholder all last night and she spent the night in her room. This morning i got up been cheerful n happy and said morning etc, i got a cold "morning" back so doing as you say etc, strange things was for the first time she makes me a coffee this morning. Have you read the carrot and stick of plan A?
Standing up to the A, the anger and completing exposure are the stick part.
If you miss these elements and seek only to keep an addict appeased, you'll be in Plan Doormat. yes i have read the carrot and stick of plan A, ok i just fearful that the confronting her from the snooping i have LB's and not doneseomthing.
BH
Married 13yrs, togther 18yrs
1 son, 11yrs
DD: 27th July, Current status plan A
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Your son is already 'in this'. Up to his eyeballs. He's a central figure in a family that is undergoing crisis. If you don't fill in the blanks to explain the source of the family tension, he will. And you will have zero control over what he puts in those blanks.
And you can drop the whole 'sordid details' business. No one has advised you to lay out all the 'sordid details'. He doesn't need to know the 'sordid details'. There is an age-appropriate way to explain to a child the fracturing of the family when an affair occurs. i hear what you and this is something that we will both have to tell him and agree upon what we are actually going to tell him to some extent.
BH
Married 13yrs, togther 18yrs
1 son, 11yrs
DD: 27th July, Current status plan A
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Dave, as you know I am not convinced you are really changing for the right reasons.. but, hey, that is your personal problem, not mine. I am just some random person on the web..right?
What I will tell you is that even a 1% deviation to the MB plan, and you can kiss your R goodbye.
Do you have SAA? The vets here follow Dr. Harley's advice. If you don't follow each and every step, you are going to prove that your intentions are not noble or you are just afraid/weak or both.
Regardless, exposure to everyone is one of the FIRST steps.
Your thread has lit up this board over the last couple of weeks with more replies than many. Why aren�t you taking all the advice?
MB is not a cafeteria style plan. Go over to the R and read about planAprincess. Her H resumed his A full throttle. Many believe this is because she skipped steps.
You want her to be all in or all out? Turnabout is fair play. Your not just some random person you are someone willing to take the time to try and help me and i am really changing for the right reason, i am starting to feel calmer inside myself with each day as well. I dont think i am deviating and doing everything i should be, hence why i come here for validation and verification on things. I havent read SAA as of yet, i was in london the other day and looked in several book shops and couldnt find it or any of the books recommened like love buster, hnhn etc. As stated i have done the exposure part and really did thing i had said this early on in this thread, and i thought i was listening and taking on board everybodys advice.
BH
Married 13yrs, togther 18yrs
1 son, 11yrs
DD: 27th July, Current status plan A
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VENT: Feeling really low today and helpless, wife has gone back to work and son has started new school so am sat at home "working" all alone. Feel so bad after last nights confrontation and that i have taken a huge step backwards again after having such a wonderful afternoon\evening on monday and seeing so nice signs. Just getting no conversation now and and ice cold atmostsphere. I know its early days and that this is going to be a long touch ride, i have to keep stopping the LB's and fufilling what EN's i can. Just wish there was something i could do to give her the beacon of light and give her the strengh to see that feelings follow actions and that something as simple as holding hands, a cuddle could do so much. Feel like i just want to go to sleep and not wake up right now 
BH
Married 13yrs, togther 18yrs
1 son, 11yrs
DD: 27th July, Current status plan A
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I encourage you to visit your family doctor.
It sounds like you may be suffering from depression.
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I encourage you to visit your family doctor.
It sounds like you may be suffering from depression. I did actually go the other week and have various blood test done and he diagnosis was the given everything going on it perfectly natural to feel the way i am. I admit that i probably am suffering a little bit due to the emotional rollercoaster i am am, such as on monday after everything i felt great and happy and all day yesterday until last night confrontation. After that and today i feel pretty low again :?(
BH
Married 13yrs, togther 18yrs
1 son, 11yrs
DD: 27th July, Current status plan A
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Just wish there was something i could do to give her the beacon of light and give her the strengh to see that feelings follow actions and that something as simple as holding hands, a cuddle could do so much. Feel like i just want to go to sleep and not wake up right now I know ( because you are a man) you think you need to FIX it. Right now! But you need to get over that. Yes, you are likely depressed and rightfully so. That is why you need some help managing your emotions. Do you realize in that post all you talked about were feelings feelings feelings? At the very least ask for something to assist with anxiety. The withdrawal clock has been reset because of the "contact" with OM. Every time she gets a fix, it starts over. That's why she is cold towards you. No brainer. So why would you be expecting anything else? Your one good day has not reached a love bank balance that would make her feel in-love with you. Keep going soldier. Stop expecting quick results. She's there. Another Plan A day. What's your plan?
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I encourage you to visit your family doctor.
It sounds like you may be suffering from depression. I did actually go the other week and have various blood test done and he diagnosis was the given everything going on it perfectly natural to feel the way i am. I admit that i probably am suffering a little bit due to the emotional rollercoaster i am am, such as on monday after everything i felt great and happy and all day yesterday until last night confrontation. After that and today i feel pretty low again :?( Are you against taking ADs?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I know ( because you are a man) you think you need to FIX it. Right now!
But you need to get over that. - i know and some days i feel good and fine and other really down. Yes, you are likely depressed and rightfully so. That is why you need some help managing your emotions. Do you realize in that post all you talked about were feelings feelings feelings? At the very least ask for something to assist with anxiety. - that was why i posted just to get it out of me, the doctor did offer betablockers would they help? The withdrawal clock has been reset because of the "contact" with OM. Every time she gets a fix, it starts over. That's why she is cold towards you. No brainer. So why would you be expecting anything else? - ok and i guess added to that was my dicovery and confronting her as well. Your one good day has not reached a love bank balance that would make her feel in-love with you. Keep going soldier. Stop expecting quick results. - Yeah i realise this and i am still going She's there. Another Plan A day. What's your plan? - Yep she is still here, at work today, i did say before she left for work she looked\smelled nice, have a good day and not too stressful etc. Also i was shocked that she made me a coffee this morning as i cant remember when she last made me one. There is a small bit of ironing to do which i am going to do, and a few of her things in it. Am not sure whether i shoudl do her things as she has told me before not to do her things so would it be a LB if i did. Was then going to wait till she gets home with our son and see what they want for dinner and do it. Will carry on with a happy outlook\attitude and try to make small light conversation, showing affection\compliments etc. Any other things you suggest i shoudl do ?
BH
Married 13yrs, togther 18yrs
1 son, 11yrs
DD: 27th July, Current status plan A
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