I cant say i am 100% for AD's dont know if its the stigmatism of them or male pride thing or just feeling like a failure for taking them sorry but just been honest.

I know after my affair my wife was diagnosed with depression and went on them and it was the scareist thing in the world for her to admit to and then take, and i was there holding her hand each step.

You can order SAA off Amazon for less than $10. This is our bible for our R. In fact, during our UA time last night, we went back through it to make sure we were not skipping any steps and refresh our memories.

It will take you step by step and give you a plan. It will also help you understand WHY A�s happen and what to do to not only recover your M but yourself.

Having a plan is key here. It will give you something to follow and actions to take. Your world has been rocked. What you are going through is absolutely normal. Unfortunately, an A is one of the worse things a human can experience. Have you read up on PTSD? At one point I thought I was just going to snap like a twig with all of the emotions flooding me.

Hold on for the rollercoaster ride of your life. Early on, I experienced moments of calm between the storms. That was about as good as it got.

What really turned the tide for me and my FWW was when I decided I was going to absolutely show the world the positive changes in me and grew a backbone. I was scared as hell I was going to scare her away by having boundaries. Know what? It didn�t. She started to respect me again. Then over time, she fell back in love with me.

Dave, don�t let her walk all over you. You can only control yourself. Let her know what you will and will not accept and then let HER decide her path. You can�t do that for her. Be positive, be strong, be adamant about your boundaries and desires to do whatever it takes to heal this from your side. That is all you can do.

Get SAA today.

- I will definately get this off amazon is it worth just keeping it to myself for now or leave it out so my wife might say it and either ask about it or pick it up?

- Its actually nice to hear what i am going through is normal what is PTSD? and i know the feeling your taking about.

- Again the last 5 weeks have been that

- Thats great to hear and its exactly how i feel in that the changes and boundaries would scare her away. How did you did you relaise what changes and boundaries to make or is that in the book?

- I hear you and am going to, how did you decicde\come up with what you will and will not accept

I would be interested to hear from any FWW's that can tell me about what your spouse did to guide you from the fog and what was the point\how did you come out of the fog what caused it to happen.

PTSD=Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

I told her that I loved her more than anything, wanted to make up for my past mistakes and have a better marriage than ever.

I also had conditions to even consider interacting with her at all. They were simple and the consequences were if they were broken I was OUT. Period. No negotiations. This was the basis for ME to stay in the M.

1) NC with OM again for life
2) Never lie to me ever again

This was the starting line. Soon there after I found MB. And yes, I would encourage her to read SAA. Once we started our real R, we read it chapter by chapter outloud and discussed it.

Unfortunately, I made some other mistakes as I didn't have MB at the time at dday(kicked her out of the house on dday) and was lead into a FR and it SUCKED. You can read on my thread what happened next.

I realized my boundaries because I looked in the mirror and found my self respect. They were easy to come up with after that.

It's your decision. Dr Harley recommends the following:


I am one of the few BSs around here who hasnt done ADs. And I came very close. I had a few torturous days early in Plan B in which I decided to take ADs, but then I got much better quite quickly. I did a much briefer Plan A than most people though. If I had done more than a few weeks, I would have needed them.

I think your situation is quite severe, as you have your own guilt to deal with too. BS who have been a WS seem to suffer more, though such a thing sounds hardly possible.

If you arent functioning, sleeping eating etc and if you feel more emotional than rational, they may help you Plan A.

As well as ADs your approach must become less based on hope. You must start treating all your wife's signals suspiciously and not tie your feelings to her actions. She will go up and down more than a rollercoaster, and your feelings will plummet with her, unless you march firmly along the straight road of your own plan.

Your plan is to become a spouse ANY REASONABLE PERSON would want and only you control that. You and you alone.

You are fully able to reach that goal and nothing can stop you.

Until your wife is fully signed up to an MB recovery and is out of the fog she is a wayward - anything she says is suspect and likely to be a lie.

As a current wayward her ideal state of affairs is to have you fulfill half her needs and OM fulfill the others.

So if she says she loves you, shows her body off to get admiration, it just means she wants a shot of EN meeting from you. As just half of the situation she loves.
Which is what all waywards want as they are addicted to easy ENs. It doenst mean she has seen the light and will be faithful and only wants you and you alone to meet her needs.

Beware of her addiction and treat it as untrustworthy.

The plan essentially is to get her so addicted to your EN meeting over time that she will obey your firm boundaries regarding NC with OM. If she does not after a suitable period of time, then Plan B comes into effect where she is starved of the EN meeting you provided and hopefully misses it enough to comply with NC. NC with other man is your only hope and over the next six months you must make yourself indispensable to her while putting up with the agony of her waywardness.
the aim is to get her more addicted to your EN meeting than to OMs. Then by standing firm you insist on NC with OM which will achieve her withdrawal from him.

Only after all of that will she become somewhat reliable.

Carrot to tempt her and stick to beat OM away, and stick to beat down her addiction.

I feel exactly the same as what you are saying what i am not sure is if it is the right time to make those statements yet to her as she is currently not in that mindset as far as i can tell and is still in the foggy i dont love you and dont want to be with you mindset, or was your wife in that stage when you made these statements to her.

She was a foggy as London in the spring time when I made those statements. 1 week after dday.

Its an up and down at some points i am rational and can see through the forest and the plan to follow and at other times i get very emotional. Its at the emotional times that i turn to either here on the forum for help n guidance or at least talk to friends to get it out of me and then i feel better.

i completely agree and that is what my goal is and when rational i can see it cleary, just when emotional it sort of gets a little lost so all you guys help remind me

as in cake eating? to the best of my knowledge she has had NC with OM since dday apart from last night looking at him on twitter by no actual verbal\message contact.

If only she would say and do that

and that is what i have been doing as much as it pains me to do.

I know and understand this and know the path is a rollercoaster and its all early days like i says ups and downs and you guys are helping me. I take it form this that now is not the right time to make the sort of statements that 20YearHisotry did yet.

Telling the child is not the WW's job. WW should not be included to add her input. The opportunity for the WW to put a spin on things must not be allowed.

The BS does not have to give details. So stop that excuse.

BS: child your mom/dad has been dating the OM/OW. Married people are not allowed to have boyfriends/girlfriends let alone to go on dates with them. Doing that is called an affair.

Your mom is having an affair. Mom has a boyfriend his name is ....., and mom as been going out on dates with him.

i see but did she actually want to work on saving yoru marriage or was she giving you similar lines as to what i am getting.

A radio clip from Dr. Harley telling children even as young as 4.

The Harley's discuss telling the children even as young as 4 about the affair

Time and distance.

She has to stop seeking information about him - so you are right to call her out on every breach.

Get "his needs, her needs" because it gives you great examples of how to meet those specific categories of emotional needs.

You might also want to read "the 5 languages of love" because it will help you see how she might receive your Plan A efforts. Men and women interpret actions very differently. So your intended impact might be missed because you do not understand how she receives it.

How have you compensated your wife for your affair? Have you reassured her and given her extraordinary precautions against contact with your ow? When is the last contact with your ow?

All waywards say the same stuff. And it is all stuff that should not be considered credible or listened to. An addict is only going to talk for one purpose: "Let me have what I want, and do what I like without losing anything. Don't make me behave. I will blame you. It is your fault. I am not accountable."

Check this out:

Never Take the Word of a Wayward

- which book first saa or hnhn ?

- I read about this and certainly made a lot of sense to me, i mentioned in my solo councilling session as well and the counciller said it was defiantely a book she recommends, but its too early for it yet as we both need to be on board and commited to saving the marriage and working together.

- Yes i did all of this 3 years ago, my last contact with my OW was 3 years ago and involved the police when she attacked me for telling her husband that she tried to contact me again.

so should i come out and say to her :

I love her more than anything, and want to make up for my past mistakes and have a better marriage than ever. There are 2 simple rules for this though and the consequences are if they are broken is that I am OUT. Period. No negotiations.

1) NC with OM again for life
2) Never lie to me ever again

or should i wait until i say this to her, as it could push her over the edge and just drive her away?

Just keep on as you are. Snooping, insisting it stop, putting a stop to it, and don't act scared when she pouts.

Be protective.

Yep i know but should i make the statement as above yet or wait for the time been

I think in your situation you should modify the statement to include you BOTH.
In order to save the marriage WE need to agree to these rules.
Make the commitment that YOU won't lie to her or have contact with any other women, and no other men for her.

I agree.

You both need iron clad EPs.