I, like many, have been lurking for a few months. I am 45 and my WH is 43. We have 2 daughters; ages 23 and 16. To summarize: WH left me in May of 2011. Same speech, not happy, haven't been for a while, blah, blah, blah... It was 8 months after our youngest daughter had suffered a traumatic brain injury, so I naively thought that the stress of that, coupled with the financial burden of the added medical bills was what drove him over the edge. Unbeknownst to me, he was having an affair. I seriously had no idea. I actually kind of did a plan A for 5 months by doing The Love Dare. In October of that year, after our daughter was hospitalized for suicidal thoughts stemming from her injury, he came back and wanted to "try to work things out." Apparently, this was his cake eating/fence sitting time, though I still didn't have a CLUE that there was someone else. He was here until March of 2012, when I told him it felt like things were slipping back into the same old patterns and he replied, "Oh, you've noticed?" Now, I was a model wife during the time he was home. Okay, maybe more of a doormat... He has always had problems with Independent behavior and I let him. He came back in April, after I implemented a kind of Plan B (without knowing what it was, since I hadn't found this website.) I wouldn't speak to him, answer his texts, etc... Our oldest daughter handled all vital communication. After 2 weeks, he came back crying and telling me that "God opened his eyes." So, of course, I let him come back once again. 2 weeks later, I received an anonymous letter that read, "FYI your husband is only 'playing' family man. He has someone on the side." Of course, he denied it and got angry that I could think such a thing. The following week, I got a phone call from a payphone. A man asked for a woman by name. When I told him he had the wrong number, he said "_'Hoskank doesn't live there? Well, does WH?" When I said yes, he hung up. I confronted WH when he got home, he denied for several minutes and then came clean and told me that he broke it off. Crying and telling me how ashamed his deceased mother would be, blah blah... I was in shock. He begged me to let him stay. He'd "do whatever it takes" - counseling, anything. Weeks of trickle truths, etc.. His family, friends and co workers all knew and didn't tell me (that hurt!)I exposed to our friends, children, POSOW's ex husband, our pastor, my family.

We have done some counseling with our pastor, but WH has decided that he doesn't want to anymore. He has agreed to work the MB program, but not "enthusiastically." He won't put in the effort. i.e.- I have to read aloud, never suggests we read, doesn't want to talk about things. He just wants to "move on." I guess what I'm asking is how should I proceed? He thinks reading Surviving an Affair and His Needs Her Needs is a huge "Love Buster." Help!

Welcome to MB, FE. I am sorry to hear of these events in your marriage.

No, you shouldn't "move on" and accept him back. Dr Harley is clear that a WH who does not come back on his knees, cap in hand, grovelling that he is sorry and regrets hurting his wife is not serious and should be shown the door. Your H's lack of interest and remorse is a false recovery in the making - in fact one is probably under way, right now. Dr Harley's expectations for an unfaithful man are different from those for a woman, so please be aware of this.

I cannot find a reference for you now as I must leave, but there are several wonderful helpers here and somebody will show you where Dr H has written this.

It's very early for this board and that is why you have had no responses for a few hours. The USA will wake up soon and you'll have much more help shortly. Hang in there.

Welcome to MB and sorry that you are here.

How did your WH meet OW? Do you have snooping techniques in place to ensure NC(is there NC)? Who have YOU told about your WH's affair? Do your children know? What is their relationship like with their father?

Have you read SAA? Have you read all of the information on this site? If you click on the Newly Betrayed link i my siggy, it will help guide you through the site.

Your WH seems to want to use MB to put you in your place. Having an affair is one of the biggest Love Busters he can commit, and he is going to say that reading DrH's books are an LB? He is obviously NOT serious. DrH suggests that a BW not attempt recovery with a WH that is not 100% remorseful. Your WH doesn't sound that way to me.

Have you thought about calling the coaching center? Which of DrH's books have you read?

Have you exposed this? Is OW married?

Here's some good reading.
Can't we just Forgive and Forget #1
Steps to Recover From An Affair

Hi FE, welcome to Marriage Builders. Has your husband ended his affair? Who is the OW and is she married?

Nothing that you do will be of any effect until the affair is over. It doesn't sound like it is over, hence your husbands reluctance to do anything.

Has he ended ALL contact with the OW? ARe you snooping to see what he is doing?

From reading this, it sounds like you have set the bar very low, which is why your husband is not taking this seriously.

Thank you all for your responses.

Scotland - They met because they both worked at the same marina, just not for the same company. She no longer works there, but it is a couple of miles from where she lives. This marina is in the town that my WH grew up in, where his father still lives, etc... He has never really cleaved from that area or his father. His father has had several affairs with married women. He says he ended it when he came back the last time. This has been confirmed by several people in the area. He apparently tried to end it when he came back in Oct, but they "remained friends." I didn't know about it at the time. He did tell me this. I am going to look into a PI today. I may have a friend that will help me financially with that, since we are in financial dire straights due to his affair and the huge pile of medical bills. I have no income right now. I have read SAA and HNHN for parents. I have read most everything on this site, and realize that I didn't go about this the right way. DDAy happened before I found this site.

BrainHurts- I have exposed this to all of our friends and family, our children, pastor and the OW's ex(?) husband. She left her husband for my husband. WH confirmed this. I have read the links you provided, but I'm going to go back and read them again.

MelodyLane- I have snooped to the best of my ability. WH is a mechanic and found the GPS that son in law installed on his car. He has a work vehicle that he drives during the day. It is a company vehicle and I have no access to it. He doesn't bring it home. We have pay as you go phones- not smart phones. I go through his phone any chance I get, but he had a prepaid "affair phone" when he was with her, that he supposedly smashed (according to FIL) in front of her when he broke it off. I am going to look into a PI, hopefully today. In the beginning, he was willing to do "whatever it took to be forgiven and work on our marriage." But, honestly, he doesn't "get it" yet. It has just been the last few weeks that he has been resistant to doing any of the work, even though the other night, I told him, "Either you are all in or you are out," to which he immediately replied, "Oh, I'm in!" I appreciate your input,MelodyLane, because I feel that you don't mess around, and I need to be pushed. Even though, I have done everything wrong so far, I will do anything that you advise.

Melody, I visited the PI site that you recommended on Operate Investigate and am waiting for quotes.

And you all were right!!He left me tonight.....Again! Tried to tell me that he couldn't live with the "dark cloud" hanging over his head. When I told him that I knew that he was back in contact with her, he did admit to me that they have been talking. He called her from a payphone... What a peach. But, he still insisted that he wasn't leaving for her. PLEASE! I told him to stop fooling himself because he wasn't fooling me. I was calm, but firm, and preceded to tell him that he will be giving up everything. Then got his suitcase and told him to pack what he needed and that someone would contact him and let him know when and where he could pick up the rest of his stuff. I opened the door for him and said, "Take one last look, because once you walk out that door, you will never see or hear from me again." Both of my daughters texted him and told him they no longer want contact either. Guess it's time to find an attorney....

Yes.
File for divorce since he is refusing to end his affair and be a good husband.

File for child support Monday morning. Call your local child support enforcement agency to do so. Tell them he has abandoned the family.

Close any joint credit cards. NOW

Call all pension funds. Tell them divorce is in progress.

Call your bank. Place a hold on joint accounts.

Prepare a plan B letter
Find an intermediary (as detailed in SAA book)

Thank you for the list. I REALLY appreciate it. I know what I need to do, but the bank stuff, I didn't think about. I don't know who to use as an intermediary. I can't use my oldest daughter this time. She refuses to talk to him. I was thinking that maybe I could get a court appointed mediator? I'm upset and not thinking too clearly right now, but I did expect it.

The court mediator will not be an IM.
They don't do that.

It is inappropriate to use your daughter as an IM, as it can damage the father daughter relationship

I would call all of the joint credit card companies tonight and report the card stolen.
And ATM accounts.
Spouses sometimes empty accounts when they leave Don't become a victim

We don't have any credit cards, just a bank/ATM card. Should I report his stolen? Or put a hold on it?

The Love Dare you did basically is plan A.
The problem with The Love Dare is that it won't kill an affair. And marital recovery cannot begin until an active affair is dead and the wayward is no longer in withdrawal from the affair.

I also did the Love Dare in my marriage, prior to Reading SAA book. I immediately change course after reading SAA. I encourage you to stick strictly to MB during this time. The Fireproof movie has a great ending and shows many basic concepts but the people that made it don't understand how affairs work. Dr Harley is a national expert in this field.

I assume you have read Surviving An Affair? So you understand how affairs work.

Finding an IM needs to be your priority now. Can you ask someone (perhaps an elder in your church ) to be an IM?

Yes you should place a hold/ report stolen any JOINT ATM account cards

Yes, I have just read SAA. I know how it works. The problem that I have with killing the affair is exposure. I have exposed to all family and friends, pastor, and POSOW's husband. (He just contacted me and thanked me for the info and told me that he was going to tell their kids). ALL of WH's family and friends KNEW about the affair and didn't have any influence on him. His father admitted to me that "the few times she spent the night, I didn't like it." Yes, his words. WH does not have a facebook account, and she has blocked my daughters and I. Isn't that the way you kill the affair? Exposure?

Please forgive my ignorance, but if I put a hold on our joint ATM cards, does that mean that I can't use it either?

I will ask someone from my church to act as an intermediary. Good idea. Thank you.

Oh and his employer and co workers knew as well. Interestingly enough, none of them can stand her. She is trash, but he told me that he didn't care...

I did Love Dare, too, for 4 months sfter D-day. Did not know about MB principles at that time, but plan A was my life.

Exposure needs to include all of OW's family and friends, not just your WH's and OWH's.

Have you reported OW/WH to their bosses for sexual harrassment, since this is an affair that started in the workplace?

It's worth a shot. Your marriage is more important than his job in the long run.

Welcome to MB
Lots of help here and stick around and read, your not alone
Will read what you have posted tomorrow.
Is this your main thread ?