Why is saying ILY annoying? i am not saying it all the time and yes i know anything i do in plan A is something to continue doing. Apart from the stick of exposure which i have done are there any other "sticks"



Yes we have had the swinging dicusion and that i have apologized about it for the reason you state, i think i mentioned this earlier somewhere inthe thread and her reponse to this.

No we are not in contact with people we met.

- Yes i do and try to be, and as said have all snooping things in place and can only react if she does something.

- Were you saying from normalizing it in my own mind or in her mind?

i know people will say this is the taker in me but just wanted to get this off my chest, and probably better to do it here that with the wife.

I wish i would say to her "look stop us both living in the limbo state, make a decision either you want to work on our marriage or you want to leave. If you want to leave then just get out NOW and stop twisting the knife in me, and leading me on. If you want to work on our marriage then lets actually talking about what we can do".


Like i say i know to do this would be LB all over the place so, so i will continue in plan A no LB and fufill EN, be happy and positive give her the best cake in the world there is to eat

It can be annoying for a WS to hear this, so I would heed Scotty's warning. In my case though it was slightly different, my H was being very cold and distant and snapped at me one time I said ILY. He said I was trying to pressure him into saying it back when he wasnt ready. I said 'Oh no! I dont expect it back, but I want to keep saying it'. He really liked and welcomed that because it was no pressure.

But as a general rule, don't overplay your hand and ILY is quite powerful. Maybe stick to flirty admiration and show her with consistent actions that you love her.

Both!



Your taker has your best interests at heart, and Plan A is rough on your taker because he gets nothing, not even hope of anything.

And I would remind your taker that he is in this spot, because many times he took too much in the past and now has to work off the debt.

Takers dont like to be overlooked. That's why an important part of Plan A is self care. Make sure you take care of your taker; do fun things, be nice to yourself, dont try to be the most energetic person awho says yes to every favour at the moment, lean on the people you exposed to for help.

You're exposing to your son this weekend, right? You will probably find this to be very cathartic and healing for the whole family, but it will be rough at first.

Ok i hear you indie, i know its one thing i have done enough of in the past saying ILY giving compliements, adminiration etc. Also it was brough up in one of our councilling sessions about me saying it and like yoru H my W also said the same thing about it been pressuring for her to say it back, but like you i said exactly the same i dont want it back but i want to say it and she said she accepted that.

Any other tips for flirty admiration\affection, apart from the txt i sent her last night, and should i keep saying those sorts of things.

ok so i shoudl to refer to the fact i am sleeping in our room (i always keep the door open when i sleep as a sort of invitation that it isnt closed and she can walk in anytime she wants, but i havent actually said that) and that she is sleeping in the spare room and call it the spare room.



I hear you and yes am teling him, as i said i just wanted to get it off my chest and feel better for doing so and though it was better to put it on here as well. I know and can feel the effects this is having on my taker, and yes i understand why i am in this spot. Yes i have been talking to people i exposed to just talk to and explain what i am doing etc, and feel better when i have talked to them or come on here. I am doing a lot of solo things with our son as well at the moment and spending lots of UA together, this also takes my mind of things and he gives me the cuddles\love unconditionally and we have a fun time together. I have tried to do some solo things as well but these get met with sarcastic comments from the wife like i am been selfish and not thinking of family etc and just leaving her with our son like a single mum. This has been one of the big issues in the past as well, so not sure what is the best option on this.

Well the weekend starts here, happy face i am going out with our son tomorrow to friends bbq and stopping there so i can have a few drinks and relax and try to forgot everything and recharge for an afternoon and evening at least. I tips of anything i shoudl say or leave for the wife before we depart and i certainly going to switch the phone off otherwise might up sending texts i shouldnt after a few drinks.

Well another evening simsr to lat night dinner all together, pleasant conversation then some time alone watching tv. Said night as I went to bed, then sent her a txt saying "Night night xxx my lovely wife, you have a smile as bright as the sun, and a bum that I love to bits and to snuggle up to, love you to bits and more than ever x x x x"

What will the morning bring I wonder

Getting a very frosty reception this morning and dont know why at all

Well had a bit of a "debate" shall we say, our son asked me if since mum isn't gong out tonight would she come with us to friends for BBQ. So i approached her alone staying calm and collected about this and told her what she said.

She then 5 mins later said he had said the opposite to her and that this was tit for tat. I said it wasn't tit for tat and that i was only saying what he had said and if she didn't want to come she had to tell him that not me

Then 15 mins later she started going into one about me saying i am controlling, i don't love her etc, that i was underhand telling her friends what had happened and trying to put her down. I remained calm through all of this and just said i love her and care and will protect her etc. but this just seems to wind her up saying i had never said things like that in 13years etc to which i said i have but accept that she only sees the negative. I said she had the choice when she started the affair etc, as i say i still remained calm while she spat off about only needing protection from me that i am selfish, controlling, she feels i don't trust her and that i am obsessed with her by showing affection, that i am stalking her online moves etc etc and i just kept calm and placid about it.

then she drove off in the car, i was going out as well and sent her a text saying "i love you to bits and care about you. I have you it over the years and admit not as much as i should have. I hear what your saying and i know it must feel like you don't love or care about me and that wont change, but give it time, see that if i didn't care or worry about you i wouldn't say\do what i do say\do, it is becausei care n love you that i do. We can mend the faults with time x x."

she then txt me to say "she taken our son for lunch and to clean his knee as he has fallen"

so any advice?

i almost feels like she has an outburst like this and then goes off and calms down afterwards but still has an underlying bubbling anger in her

Every time you react to her negativity it fuels the fire.

It is easy to look into every interaction and analyze it. This will tear you apart. She is going though inner turmoil right now (as you are). Let her feel her feelings. Let her go off if she wishes. Pay no attention to this. Her emotions will change by the slightest shift in the wind.

By not reacting to her drama you give her the freedom to just express herself without being judged. This is a learned skill. It took me a long time to learn to just go about my business with self confidence while being respectful.

Women respect men that are self confident! That is why moving through this process with your head and not your emotions will help you very much.

If I were you, I would keep my head straight, keep your boundaries high, be kind and respectful and just let this play out.

Just don't react to her drama.

You want her to know that you will be fine in life however this goes. Sure, you want to recover your M. She knows that. However, if it will push her away if she thinks your happiness depends on HER. Too much presure right now.

Ask for nothing. Expect nothing. Just be Joe Cool ALL the time. Nothing rattles you! You are a rock.

You have things to do. Places to go. If she wants to join you great, if not that is her choice. Forcing issues is bad bad right now.

Man, you have to quit the I Love you's all the time. Just relax. Just play it cool. It is putting way to much pressure on her.

Play a little hard to get. You are making yourself WAY too available all the time. Give her the chance to make her miss you a little bit.

Ever heard 'absense makes the heart grow fonder?' Isn't that what her absense is making you?

Well she had a right old ding dong against me, saying i dont care etc should have told her best friend etc etc, through it all i kept calm and just said things which i have been told\suggested to say on here (but these do seem to make her worse) right now she has gone out to walk and see a mutual friend (who i have been to see) just to get away from me i think.

right now i think i have put too much in to trying to fufill her EN's and she is rejecting it from me saying things like i never done it in 13yrs etc to hurt me. God knows what the next step is but feels like back to square 1, going to focus now solely on me and our son for a while and stop leaving notes\messages etc and just back right off. She says she needs time n space (although in the same house) but everything is a constant pressure from me trying to fufil en's

maybe this is a stage of oging from fog to withdrawal etc or just some pent up anger that she needed to get out, i dont have a clue right now

Dave this is very normal.

Your being nice interferes with her plan to demonise you then use you. Every time you respond like a new man she holds the '13 years' against you, as though she almost wants that bad trend to continue.

Well of course she does. She could cheat on the old dave guitlessly and not have to rely on him. The new order is scary for her. MB sayings will scare the crap out of her.

But like others have said, simply don't react. If she really wants a bad, unloving husband so she can cheat on him - she aint going to get one.

Let her get used to the new setup. Its a big change. She doesn't trust it while its still new.

More importantly - is this mutual friend she went to see male or female?

When she storms out the house demanding space could she be contacting OM? Internet cafe? Library? Friend who supports the A?

Indie

So are you saying I keep on doingjng everything I have been? The mutual friend in this case was male, actuall one half of a couple she was going round to see the female half but she was at work. Like I say I got there first and talked to him afterward when she came home he spoke to me and just told me she was in a state but she calmed down and that she feels I am doing n saying too much and she just wants some time n space

The OM is completely out of the question and definitely NC there., so this soley between me and WW now

I probably could have handled things better yesterday and did commit a few LB's at times as well. One thing I did feel though was it seemed like she couldn't handle the changes I been making to myself, like she's been asking me to change, now I am she can't deal with it.

Would what happened yesterday be a turning point an realisation by her of the changed etc, a step from the fog to another state

20years I hear what ur saying and yesterday was a turning point for me as well, yes I have heard the saying strange think is when I had my affair I move out for a month and that saying is exactly what happened n brought us back together then

No not really. She's as foggy as ever. Plan A takes ages.

She's starting to have some of her preconceptions about you challenged, but she doesn't like it and isn't accepting it yet.


That is such poor boundaries on her part to confide relationship woes in a male friend. And he should have told her to go home and discuss it with you. The point of exposure is to get everyone supporting the marriage, not the bashing of the marriage.

I'd ask him in future to not engage with her in relationship talk, and I would respectfully request she not discuss your relationship with men. If she continually flaunts this, say cooly its still not OK with you and follow her if she ever flits out of the house to do this.

The tough thing about Plan A is that you have to be the sort of partner any REASONABLE spouse would want. But with a wayward you have an unreasonable spouse who doesn't want you to be protective, attentive etc...

Well, tough. We're trying to free them from this new addictive personality which turns them into aliens. And that means not listening to the alien, who is only tryingto remain in control of your wife.