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Her family (mom & dad) are in total support of whatever she does.
Her mom was upset at first but my wife stopped talking to her. Then her mom came around & accepted what went on. Going so far as saying that the OM sounds like a good guy.
I guess I am enabling her. I don't want to push her away right now.
I will push the questionnaires to be filled out.
And for us to read the His Needs Her Needs, Love Busters, etc
I'd like to go to MB coaching but just don't know where or how to get it.
No I will not allow her to continue talking to other men. As far as I can tell, she has stopped doing this.
Yes, I also think she is narcisisstic.
Its hard for me to believe that she is not marriage material.
I mean we were married 6 years before all this happened. There were probably issues all along that you saw through rose colored glasses. Also you are NOT in control of her. So you cannot stop her from talking to other men. MB Coaching can be obtained by clicking on the marriagebuilders.com home page ; you will find a link to schedule Marriage Coaching session. As for the questionaires, those are only good when both spouses are commited to wbuilding a marriage; your wife isnt commited so its a waste of time
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NG - yes you are right...I am more scared of divorcing her than she is of being divorced. I do think she knows this.
She isn't doing any of the online stuff right now. As far as I know.
----
I see how I am displaying desperation.
She has told me that she wants me to be the leader, strong, etc.
I am going to try being this 'great catch'.
I plan on joining the gym & going to it everyday after work.
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And her mom has choosen to enable her self destructive behaviors.
That happens all the time
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Going to the gym is great.
But do it for Jeff. Not for your wife.
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Well I will talk about the questionaires this weekend.
I think deep down, she does want to express all this.
She has mentioned so many times in her conversations with these other men, about what she wanted from & complained about me.
Yes, the gym will be for me.
I've told her that we can also take dance classes. She would like to do that with me.
Last edited by Jeff_R; 09/07/12 10:25 AM.
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She has told me that she wants me to be the leader, strong, etc.
We'll see. Very telling will be if she changes her mind about resenting your exposing her behavior.
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She has told me that she wants me to be the leader, strong, etc.
We'll see. Very telling will be if she changes her mind about resenting your exposing her behavior. Today I had lunch with her before some errands and appts she had to go to. She seems distant. She didnt say "ILU". I didnt either, didnt want to push it on her. She should be remorseful & trying to win me...not the other way around.
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STOP TRYING TO FIX HER.
The ONLY person you can control is yourself
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Jeff
Just so you know you can go to an AlAnon meeting in addition to the CODA meetings.
Most of the 12 step groups recommend going at least twice a week so you can supplement. They are the same in principle; most in AlAnon are codependent on their spouses or loved ones also.
The key is in working the 12 steps and focusing on yourself and not allowing another persons actions to determine your disposition
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I read the doormat....yes I've done this..cont to do this.
Ive realized that I am codependent on who ever is in my life.
I see that her actions determine how I feel about myself.
B/c I feel anxious right now....as if she is playing a game on me. That she is buying time to find a better and easier way to leave. This next time it won't be because she cheated, that will be water under the bridge.
Maybe I'll look into the AlAnon meetings as well.
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Maybe I'll look into the AlAnon meetings as well. I will go to the meeting. Be careful Jeff - you've come up with some very good plans for yourself but you seem to forget them when you fall back into your same habits (focusing on fixing her, changing her, etc). It leads you astray from what you know you need to do.
Last edited by alis; 09/07/12 12:44 PM.
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Jeff_R, dude, your story makes my WW look like a saint. If she divorces you, she's literally doing you a favour.
I would move full steam ahead with the divorce. Let her decide if she wants to even try to change. Get away from this woman NOW.
BH (me), age 30. Plan D final 1/1/13
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I read the doormat....yes I've done this..cont to do this.
Ive realized that I am codependent on who ever is in my life.
I see that her actions determine how I feel about myself.
B/c I feel anxious right now....as if she is playing a game on me. That she is buying time to find a better and easier way to leave. This next time it won't be because she cheated, that will be water under the bridge.
Maybe I'll look into the AlAnon meetings as well. Email Dr. Harley. It's free. Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary bookby Dr.Harley that addresses their question.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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You need to get out, it is costing you your sanity. You are run by fear.
Once you are out and working on personal recovery according to MB you'll be so relieved!
Leaving a toxic relationship like this will solve a lot of your problems.
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We went to Atlanta on Saturday. She even booked the hotel Thursday of last week. Nice hotel in middle of Buckhead.
All of last week I try to meet her emotional needs...conversation & affection. Ive given her massages & we have played board games that involve talking. Ive tried really hard.
We get up to Atlanta, and I can tell she is distant. It feels as if she is acting or forcing herself to be with me. We go out to eat at an expensive steakhouse. we have drinks & have a great dinner.
Sunday (yesterday) we drive around town, go shopping, etc.
She buys a few dresses.
We get back to the hotel to rest so we can go out for dinner.
I decide something is up, so I check her dating site. She has emailed a guy or two thru the dating site. She did this last thursday & friday.....thursday night was the night she booked the hotel.
I couldn't believe it. She lasted only a few days without contacting anyone. I snoop on her email, she has changed the password.
I start to get anxious. I tell her I am ready to go home.
We talk, eventually she tells me that she doesnt know if she can ever get back that feeling of love for me. That she is so resentful of the times that I didnt change myself. She is confused why I am willing to change myself & behavior.
We talk some on the ride back home. But I think she is just trying to appease me.
I can't live in the same house with her until she makes up her mind. She'll just email these guys while she is at work now.
I just can't take this anymore.
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I just can't take this anymore. Then don't take it anymore.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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I just can't take this anymore. Then don't take it anymore. But I do want it to work out. I feel so much guilt for causing this. I've thought about moving away & quitting my job. So I can work on myself.
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Well, that's not what you said a few days ago: I understand the idea that I should run away from her.
One of the reasons I am staying in the house with her, is that I'm trying to get our house sold. We are underwater by $30-35k, so we'll have to pay this difference. My hope is to hurry this along by saying that we will move to Atlanta & start a new life.
I'm also trying to get some sense of emotional distance from her at the same time. My dislike for her grows daily. I am killing her with kindness right now.
Yes, she has some very big issues. I do think she is a narcissist. She lack empathy, extremely selfish, wants grand things in life (hence the expensive mattress - tempur-pedic), etc.
Yes I know I made a mistake in marrying such a woman.
I feel the last 8 years have been a waste of time:
1) 4 years ago She had innappropriate conversations with 2 men at the same time. She says she was trying to get the 'male perspective' on our marriage problems. We were going to counseling at the time anyway.
2) She believes in this notion "a happy wife is a happy life". That if the wife is happy, then the rest of the family (husband) will get happiness. That if I make her happy first, she'll then try to make me happy. I dont buy into this at all.
3) She really never has met any of my emotional needs. I have asked her to lose weight before we got married. She needs to lose about 70 lbs. This had never happened.
4) She uses manipulation & intimidation to complain about how I have not met her emotional needs. One of those 'needs' is that I need to change my social personality...I am an introvert...she wants someone who can adapt to any situation even if it is unfamiliar.
5) She can not have any biological children.
6) She cheated on me with a guy she knew 12 years ago. This guy lives 1000 miles away from us, above Chicago. She tells him one thing & then tells the dating site guys that he is annoying. So who knows what the truth is.
There are many more issues that make me think of her as vile & evil as well. Can't you pick a plan and stick to it?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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I know, I am flip flopping.
I feel guilt for causing her to choose this route. I want to fix it.
I guess I really want some of my needs met & I am willing to do anything. I am pathetic, that I would want my needs met by someone that has put me thru so much pain.
If this was happening to your brother, same situation, what would you tell him to do?
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