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Just read through your story; seems things are starting to turn around just a bit now.
Just be careful. It's going to be a rollercoaster of a ride now; I anticipate that your wife is slowly coming out of the withdrawal stage, giving you a window to show her how you've changed. But it will be difficult. There will be times like today that lifts your spirit, then other days when she goes back to withdrawal or is confused or fights what will happen. It will be even more important for you to watch your angry outbursts and disrespectful judgements.
One mine that is sure to come is when she realizes you exposed the situation to your son. You have to explain to her that you did it because he deserves to know the truth and that you want the marriage to be open and honest.
Also, I hope you gave your son an unbiased explanation of what happened, including how you were wrong also. That way, if your wife says you are making her look bad and trying to sway your son in your favor, you can tell her that you told him the whole truth, including your own mistakes. I know it's hard to admit your weaknesses and failures to your son, but he will respect you more for being honest about it.
I'm also afraid that your 'swinging' lifestyle during his early childhood did not go unnoticed, and this is a chance to teach him what you did was wrong so that he does not end up making the same mistakes you did. Hi and thanks for posting and joining my ride it's and up and down roller coaster but days like today are good for the spirit. When you say she is coming from withdrawal what makes u say this and where does the fog fit in?
BH
Married 13yrs, togther 18yrs
1 son, 11yrs
DD: 27th July, Current status plan A
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Just be aware that by filling up your lovebank, she may simply be buttering you up before her next pouting session.
Waywards use carrot and stick too, but to cake eat instead of to recover.
A wary man is prepared for the rollercoaster. I didn't even think of it as filling my love bank up, but days like today do help give me the lift n renew the fight inside me  so unjust enjoy the moment and absorb it. I know tommorow could be the opposite and I am ready for that and can use the memories of today to keep the fire inside my alight
BH
Married 13yrs, togther 18yrs
1 son, 11yrs
DD: 27th July, Current status plan A
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Just read through your story; seems things are starting to turn around just a bit now.
Just be careful. It's going to be a rollercoaster of a ride now; I anticipate that your wife is slowly coming out of the withdrawal stage, giving you a window to show her how you've changed. But it will be difficult. There will be times like today that lifts your spirit, then other days when she goes back to withdrawal or is confused or fights what will happen. It will be even more important for you to watch your angry outbursts and disrespectful judgements.
One mine that is sure to come is when she realizes you exposed the situation to your son. You have to explain to her that you did it because he deserves to know the truth and that you want the marriage to be open and honest.
Also, I hope you gave your son an unbiased explanation of what happened, including how you were wrong also. That way, if your wife says you are making her look bad and trying to sway your son in your favor, you can tell her that you told him the whole truth, including your own mistakes. I know it's hard to admit your weaknesses and failures to your son, but he will respect you more for being honest about it.
I'm also afraid that your 'swinging' lifestyle during his early childhood did not go unnoticed, and this is a chance to teach him what you did was wrong so that he does not end up making the same mistakes you did. Hi and thanks for posting and joining my ride it's and up and down roller coaster but days like today are good for the spirit. When you say she is coming from withdrawal what makes u say this and where does the fog fit in? Jah makes a good point. Her reaction to your son knowing will prove to be a huge insight into her state of mind. Let us know how her reaction goes when she finds out.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Will do what do you make of their saying she is starting to come out of withdrawal and where does the fog fit in? Also what do you make of the knickers thing been a lady yourself?
BH
Married 13yrs, togther 18yrs
1 son, 11yrs
DD: 27th July, Current status plan A
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Its too early to say she's coming out of withdrawal or out of the fog.
When she does, you'll know because shell be fully on board with an MB recovery.
Until then she's wayward.
As for showing off her pants, well she knew what she was doing and the effect she was having on you - that's all the feminine insight I can give.
Aside from being a woman, she's a wayward. And they love attention from anyone.
Its a positive sign but not a solid one. Until she's on board with recovering the marriage in full, she's a rollercoaster ride.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Yup!!
She knows how to string you along. Waywards play games, especially female waywards.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Yup!!
She knows how to string you along. Waywards play games, especially female waywards. hmmmmmmmmmm
BH
Married 13yrs, togther 18yrs
1 son, 11yrs
DD: 27th July, Current status plan A
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Indie I understand what you saying as in when she can actually make a commitment to actively working together and saving/rebuilding our marriage. Regarding the pants if it was a way of getting attention then surely that is a good step that she is looking for attention from me? This morning as I left for the office I said as I always do "see you tonight" for the first time since this all started she replied the same back to me. This is something she always did but then stopped and then today said it once more
BH
Married 13yrs, togther 18yrs
1 son, 11yrs
DD: 27th July, Current status plan A
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All waywards, go up and down, back and forth. You are looking for logic and patterns where there is none. She's drunk until she's sober.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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All waywards, go up and down, back and forth. You are looking for logic and patterns where there is none. She's drunk until she's sober. I am getting so many mixed messages from her I believe nothing now which does sadden me, but ate you saying that it's not a gradual coming out of the fog just a sudden wake up call where she decides "yes I want to save my marriage and fall back in love with this man"
BH
Married 13yrs, togther 18yrs
1 son, 11yrs
DD: 27th July, Current status plan A
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Did you never train a puppy? Or teach a child to walk?
It is ...failure, failure, success, failure, failure, success, failure, success, failure, success, success, failure, success, success, success .....
And I would aver that it's even worse with a FWS, since they have a greater degree of situational awareness than the other two, and often actively resent, and therefore resist, the FBS's efforts to woo them back to the union.
Ride the roller-coaster, my friend, and remember: NO EXPECTATIONS!
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Yes but be prepared - she may decide she prefers permanent drunkenness to real life. Some do. Some need Plan B to really appreciate what they're losing. The majority do, in fact.
Prepare for the worst case scenario. Six months of Plan A, the rest of the two years in Plan B. Your goal is to be able to say you did all you could. Her goals remain up to her.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Did you never train a puppy? Or teach a child to walk?
It is ...failure, failure, success, failure, failure, success, failure, success, failure, success, success, failure, success, success, success .....
And I would aver that it's even worse with a FWS, since they have a greater degree of situational awareness than the other two, and often actively resent, and therefore resist, the FBS's efforts to woo them back to the union.
Ride the roller-coaster, my friend, and remember: NO EXPECTATIONS! Thanks for that it's a great analogy of how things feel, sometimes 2 steps forward then a step back, sometimes 1 step forward and 2 back. I try to have no expectations but it is so hard for the person you love and can see the pain in them but cant seem to help it heal. I try to keep a positive spin on everything and stay happy n focused.
BH
Married 13yrs, togther 18yrs
1 son, 11yrs
DD: 27th July, Current status plan A
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Yes but be prepared - she may decide she prefers permanent drunkenness to real life. Some do. Some need Plan B to really appreciate what they're losing. The majority do, in fact.
Prepare for the worst case scenario. Six months of Plan A, the rest of the two years in Plan B. Your goal is to be able to say you did all you could. Her goals remain up to her. I know what your saying but since we are only at the start of plan a I want to focus on that most rather than b right now
BH
Married 13yrs, togther 18yrs
1 son, 11yrs
DD: 27th July, Current status plan A
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I try to keep a positive spin on everything and stay happy n focused. But your positive spin should be based on the fact that you will become a better person no matter what. We can only control our own actions. I know what you're saying but since we are only at the start of plan a I want to focus on that most rather than b right now The plans should be considered in their entirety. For example when you plan A her, fill her love bank, make her life easier, you should be aware that you are setting her up for a fall. What can you do for her, that will create a real void when it comes down to Plan B? Get her used to a standard of living she would really miss if you just vanished out of sight. Waywards are very entitled, and accept everything you give them as though they are owed it. Often, it's not until the threat, or actuality, of losing those entitlements that they snap out of it. You will also need to plan for legal separation and finances so you can go into Plan B at the perfect, most optimum time for you and for the marriage. Just because something may not be necessary, does not mean you should not be prepared. Plan B is more often needed than not. Have you read up on Plan A and Plan B? Do you have a copy of Surviving An Affair?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Thanks indie, just back in from work and feels like I walked into a fridge, maybe cause I didn't txt her today or leave a note, just thought it would be better to keep her guessing like you suggested. Feeling really worn out today as well and not in a giver mood or an EN fufulling one but keeping the taker at bay
BH
Married 13yrs, togther 18yrs
1 son, 11yrs
DD: 27th July, Current status plan A
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You have to take care of your own taker at times like that. Expecting her to keep up her end is just going to make it harder for you. No Expectations!!!
What's been happening re the fallout from exposure to your son? Anyone discussing it? Your son? Wife? The two of them? The three of you?
That's the central, most effective part of your plan and we need to hear specifics on how exposure is going an if it is affecting your wife...
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Thanks indie, just back in from work and feels like I walked into a fridge, maybe cause I didn't txt her today or leave a note, just thought it would be better to keep her guessing like you suggested. Feeling really worn out today as well and not in a giver mood or an EN fufulling one but keeping the taker at bay Her reactions will have very little to do with your actions. She's a wayward wife. Frosty is their everyday mood. Chances are she isnt going to acknowledge half this EN stuff until she's Plan B. You're playing a long game. The love bank will add up over time whether she likes it or not. Then it will be up to her whether she values the lovebank or the addiction more. Rather than asking 'Is she not happy with my EN meeting today?' Ask yourself if YOU are happy with your EN meeting today. You're the sober one with a plan. you know her ENs and you know what your daily targets are. If you've met ENs today (regardless of her reaction), not lovebusted and taken care of yourself - you've had a good day.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Thanks indie, am on phone at moment as spending UA/RC time watching tv together shame we aren't snuggling up but thatas dream for now. Regarding son nothing has been said at the moment but will keep you posted
Last edited by dotnetdave; 09/10/12 01:42 PM.
BH
Married 13yrs, togther 18yrs
1 son, 11yrs
DD: 27th July, Current status plan A
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Stay off the phone when you are with her (except normal phone calls).
What signal is constant messaging sending her about your attention?
For all she knows, you're texting some ow!
Me 58: FWH (NC 32 yr), W 60, married 36 yr, DD 32
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