"I'm fine". That statement is made by children of alcoholics. It's probably the most common statement they make.
The truth is your husband has behaved like a jerk. An inconsiderate selfish jerk and the daughter is mad.

I didn't realize that was a common statement... wow. And you are correct, WH did behave like an inconsiderate, selfish jerk. DD has always had difficulty sharing her feelings. Especially with him. He's always been "fun dad" to her. Whenever she had something serious on her mind, she would come to me.

Just last night, for instance, she said that she was "still mad." When I asked her if she was mad at me, she said she was mad at both of us. When I asked her why she was mad at me, she replied, "because." I told her that was not a reason, and that I couldn't talk with or listen to her about what's bothering her if she didn't tell me what it was. She said that she couldn't tell me, because I would, "tell dad, since you tell each other everything now." I told her that if it was an issue between her and I, that it can stay between us, but if it involved WH that she needed to address that with him, and that I would help her relate to him the things that were bothering her if she wanted me to. I explained to her that when she doesn't share how she is feeling, it's like me grounding her, and when she asked why, I would just tell her, "because." It wouldn't be fair, since she would have no idea what she'd done to be grounded. Not sure if that was a good analogy or not... She never did talk to us, because we were invited to DD23's house for dinner, and she fell asleep on the way home.

Oh and I did reiterate that we were doing an Affair Recovery program, and the response I got was, "yeah, yeah, I know."

She may have reasons for not wanting him around.
Typically children want their parents to be together.
It is very common for children of divorce to have reunion fantasies well into adulthood.

Dr Harley addresses a call with a similar situation on his Radio Show. He encouraged the mother to ask the child why she didnt like the father.

Thank you. I will ask her that. I have to pick her up early from school today for a doctor's appointment. This will give us some time alone in the car to talk. Hopefully, she will open up to me.

Well, that went over like a led balloon...

The only thing she said was that she would be happier if we were divorced. I just don't even know what to do or say anymore. I'm so stressed.

I'm also stressed because my FIL keeps talking to the POSOW, and then telling me and WH what she has said to him. He is a stubborn, selfish man that you CANNOT reason with. Both WH and I have told him that we don't want to know ANYTHING POSOW has to say, and that if she is bothering him so much, he should file a restraining order against her. Thoughts on this?

I'd tell him that, while you understand his frustration and really appreciate his support during all of this, hearing any news on POSOW is not helping your situation and to please refrain from even speaking of the subject with you. Add that y'all will have to quit talking to him completely if he continues to report on her comings and goings. Since none of you want that to happen, you're sure that he understands how painful this is and will no longer speak of her to you or your husband.

You and H should be the one saying that, by the way. Not just you.

She needs time to process these feelings and learn to trust your H again. It's not going to happen overnight, that's for sure.

You will need to cut off contact with your FIL, although before doing so, explain he can either lose all contact with you (and presumably DD16), or he can choose to stop talking to you about POSOW.

You are both right. I just hope FIL will listen. I know that this will be hard for WH. FIL is the only parent that we have left between us. Unfortunately, he has a bit if a big mouth. He thinks he's being helpful, but he divulges info to POSOW about us, as well... I just wish we could move out of state.

It is difficult to establish personal boundaries with relatives but important

I refuse to talk to my brother about my marriage or my wife at this point in time, other than "surface" stuff.

For a while, I could not talk to my mother about it.

I don't talk to my in-laws about any of this either.

None of them are professionals or experts anyway.

Thank you for your responses HDW and Qoheleth.

I understand this. I think WH does, too. I think that it will be harder on him than on me, since it is his father.

Are there any FWHs out there that have had to do this with a parent? Just wondering if there are any who could give WH some advice on it.

Is it normal, as a BS, to occasionally feel that you may not want to work on recovering your marriage even when you are following the MB program? We are reading SAA together and discussing it, avoiding Love Busters, spending 15-20 hours of UA time per week, have done the EN questionnaire, and plan on doing the RA Inventory tonight.

Sometimes, I just feel like there is so much hurt, that I don't know if I want to live the rest of my life with it. And that I am so tired of trying so hard for so long. Do these feelings ever go away?

Yes, your feelings are normal, and yes they can go away as you work on recovery and your needs begin to be met. The fulfilling life begins to replace the hurt.

Dr Harley has said that he has callers that have been through great horrors in life - but they felt adultery to be the worst of all.

It's the worst act a person can do in a marriage.

And even God, who designed marriage for life, allowed divorce in cases of adultery.

Thank you for your responses kaycstamper and HDW.

I have been reading some of the other threads on resentment. I can relate. I have been very angry lately. I do not express this anger to WH, as I know it is a huge LB. But, when I start getting the images, etc.., I have an extremely hard time redirecting them. Then I start feeling like I don't need this in my life. This almost always happens when WH is at work, although there are occasionally dreams that I have, which just make me wake up angry. When WH is with me, I do okay at handling thoughts and images.

Also, as a Christian, I am having a really hard time dealing with the utter hatred that I feel towards the OW. I do realize that I am letting her live in my head rent free, but I cannot seem to kick her out. I want to hurt her for hurting me. I know that WH was to blame as well- it's not as if she kidnapped and drugged him- but I have a harder time dealing with my feelings towards her.

Any advice on this?

I have read the thread about dealing with thoughts and images, and some of those tactics work some of the time, but I have a hard time remembering to implement them when they happen.

As someone said recently, if there was a pill that I could take to make them go away, I would.

Occupy your mind with other more positive thoughts and images

I don't care if it's recovery or not, those images hurt.

So take action, any action that is positive, and repeat it over and over and realize it's over, in the past, and now it's a new time, and the sky's the limit.

It really is up to you to make your life right, and up to the couple to make a marriage right. Take charge and be sure you are clear. No more Bull

A saying I remembered last night, "Climbing the highest mountain is still done one step at a time"

Our lives are like that too Keep going forward and thinking of the little victories you have, and visualization of good things to come.

Peace and prosperity to you

Thanks CP. Your words hit home. I will just take it one day at a time (or hour at a time). I will try to look for the little victories every day. It's all I can do. Well, that and pray without ceasing...

Try to remember that she only occupied his mind with a temporary insanity, it's you that have him for the duration/now. It's you he wants to be with. Banish those thoughts when they come!