Thanks, Markos! You make very good points.

H and I are actually 3 1/2 years apart - and I'm older! It wasn't so much the age difference but the life experience difference. He's been out on his own for a long time - and self dependent. She has always been a student - with a part time job, living the college life. It's just a different way of thinking.

She's so young! Don't fret it. Remember Dr Harley recommends dating 30 people before you get married, was this #30? If not, then he was just one more opportunity for her to learn about herself and what she is looking for.

I dated someone for 6 years and was engaged for a year, we were an 'on again off again' relationship and totally wrong for each other, thankfully I recognized that and called off the wedding. I had lunch with his sister a couple years ago and she told me how devastated her parents were when we broke up for good, how they never really got over it. It was shocking to me to realize that our parents were so emotionally involved in things (and that they liked me enough to be 'devastated' never really thought his dad liked me!). I also realized in talking to her that there was a LOT they didn't know about our relationship because he was not one to share things with them, so maybe this is the case for your daughter too.

Trust your daughter, sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders.

It's not #30 but she has gone out with all different kinds of guys. (And NO, not in a slutty way! lol) In high school she didn't have a steady boyfriend Jr/Sr year and went to dinner and movies and stuff with various guys. She did that the first 2 years of college as well, except for a short-term relationship with one guy that wasn't that serious. Going backwards a bit, she did have a very long-term relationship Freshman-Sophomore year of high school.

DD and I have always been close and talk about everything. I feel she's shared just about all she can about this relationship with me. But, yes - it is HER relationship and it's up to her, not me, as to what to do about it. Us parents DO get attached to these boyfriends and girlfriends of our kids! Not so much when they are short term, but definitely when it's long term. You care about the person and if you think they're a good match, you want to keep them around.

You also have to learn to let go though. I've advised all I can at this point: it's up to her to handle it from here. She really does have a good head on her shoulders. At the same time, I know she is afraid of getting hurt. I don't want her to make decisions based of that.

I love the people my kids are going with too Sunny, and still remain freinds with thier old girlfriends, and boyfriends that they knew in the past also, no matter how tramatic the breakups might have been.
I blame the emotional state on the state of my very sick wife, and since she is gone now, they have stabilized in so many ways, but they are still kids and have to live thier own lives, and suffer for whatever bad choices they might have made, which will form thier character, which it sounds to me your DD has a strong one

Yet we worry, cause that's what we do as parents, because we will always love them, and they are part of us.

Just keep on being the awesome parents you are, and let them know you are there, and they have to clean up there own mess.

I'm sure you are a source of strength and stability for her, she won't be messed up by college boys, as she makes her way in this world

But yeah you worry, we all do, sorry you have to go through it, but it's her life, and she's making her way

Thanks for the encouragement, CP! You always know just what to say.

I'd guess we'd prefer it if our kids never had to suffer...but it's in the suffering that character is formed.

My DD informed me that H sent she and the BF a very insightful email and did a great job with it. (Not to "get involved" but just to pass on some wisdom.) I'm so proud of him! He's learned so much.

Aw Shucks Gawrsh Hyuk


Thats just what I meant about you guys being good parents and being there..Congrats Sunny

You're a good caring mom Sunny, and so your daughter will be ok because you and FWH have taught her well.

She sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders and a long distance relationship is brutal. I commend her for knowing what she wants.

We do hurt when our kids hurt. We are parents.

Letty, somehow I missed this post until today! Sorry about that.

Where DD is at isn't the same as Skanktown. You're correct in thinking there's a connection - it just is a little different. Skank happens to live where DD's boyfriend (well, currently exBF at the moment - more on that later) is from. He isn't from college town though; he's from a different state. DD visited there with him previously - and that was just really weird! It's just one of those unbelievable things - that he happens to be from the same town that's not a popular place to be from! I mean, to even have someone in college in our state from that state is weird.

Yep - I'm still in school. Really enjoying my classes this semester but just found out recently I have to take a math course - which I did not think I needed another one. I haven't had math in 25 years! How the heck am I supposed to remember any of that stuff? I fear I'm going to end up having to take remedial classes just to be able to take the math course I need for credit! SIGH!!!!

On the doc/diet front - I am feeling REALLLLLY good on this program! Occasionally I have real temptations and it makes me cranky to not have what I want, but, I'm feeling so good - it's worth it.

Haven't done the speech yet. It's a week or so away yet. Just now putting together the outline for it. I really hope these 20-somethings are receptive to this and not rolling their eyes internally. lol

Thank you, Brainy! I appreciate the support. I've shared a lot with DD in the last few days and she's doing so well with it all.

As for an update, the BF has asked for time to think things through as to what he wants to do. Of course, DD knows he can't make a decision to not do the extra year based on her - but she also knows she can't enthusiastically agree to stay in a long distance relationship that far out either. SO... they will either have to POJA a solution or go their separate ways. And as we all know - even if they do, it doesn't mean they can't work things out later if they decide to do so. Still, it's heartbreaking to go through this stuff, I know.

As for H - he takes a little different view on the whole thing. He thinks it would be great for her to just concentrate on school and that the LD relationship provides just enough of the BF thing while allowing her to do that.

I was thinking the same thing as your H first off

But I'm a father too

Yeah - I hear ya! There's something comforting to a dad about a daughter sitting in her apartment studying rather than out running around with a group of college kids of both genders.
LOL

Yes, and its the relationship thing too.

Women seem to find them so important to have, even to the point of having a bad one and dealing with the consequences.

Having a good one and the faith to wait until the right guy comes along, seems so hard for women to bear.

Like they think they will change Him if they have to..

How many BW have come here trying to figure out why thier H strayed? How many have suffered for years with a H who was really selfish and thought of themselves first? Mainly their egos and fantasised about themselves too, because men are subject to that, and the temptresses know that too. Men are really simple basically.

If her BF wants to work overseas to make money, because he wants to build a future with your daughter, then going to school while they are seperated is a good and positive thing. If he wants to make the coin to buy a new stereo and mags for his car, and party, well....

But your H and you and your daughter know him, Know what he is about, his character and it will be your daughters well guided decision anyways.

And of course he has to deal with Daddy..


Ever see that Post Lol..There are a variety of them now, but I remember this one from way back when My daughter was 16, was a beauty too, and of course a target..

So you want to date my daugther?


I remember showing some young guys a picture of my daughter with tw of her pretty young girlfriends where I worked, kinda proud of her ya know?

One of the guys made a noise like wow, and then made the mistake, er comment, of. "Does she have a Boyfreind?"

I recognized this as a smartazz comment, and his friends giggled too, but because I have been around for awhile, and knew how to act, yeah I mean act too, I was ready..to play the AZZ he must of thought I was, after all I was old and had a daughter lol

I let my face go serious, and acted a little uncomfortable, and also embarrassed, and said.."Well yeah she did, but I had to kill him"

Then laughed because it was a joke, but was it? lol


My DD now is 28 with two beautiful DD of 4 and 6 mos, and her Husband is one of the sweetest and hardworking men I have ever met, who says his family is his life, and Iv'e seen it too. They are. Gonna send him that link for when he has his daughters grow up..He has a magnet of his fridge that say" We don't call 911" with a picture of a rifle, lol, when he doesnt even have one.

But the protection of a Father who really loves his daughter, is nothing to mess with

Wow there's lots of stereotyping of women going on around here today. Just sayin...

UW, I agree, and the worst of it was the hand-cramp I suffered by NOT writing, which coming from an old male would have contributed to the stereotyping, either way. Take your pick: "Yup, them young tootsies ain't smart enough to manage their own lives!" or "Yup, those mothers of young tootsies can't let go to let them manage their own lives!"

Talk about dilemmas....

Lol, NG, Why don't we just shorten it to "them young folks aint smart enough" for the stereotype?

I don't know cuz I have never been a young woman, but I know how dumb I was when I was a young man.

Maybe I am still that dumb, because if I stereotyped women..Uh-Oh.. thats dumb

Hmmm... I'm not sure if I should be offended here or not.

No one ever said I was trying to manage her life. As her mother I feel it is my job to guide her in these very important decisions - as is her father's. Guiding is very different than not letting go.

As for the "girls needing to be in relationships more than guys" thing - I have seen it both ways, especially being a college student myself for the past two years! I think it might have been that way back when girls were supposed to go to college for the MRS degree. My daughter certainly has never been one to "have" to have a boyfriend.

While stereotyping is often not correct, I do believe we are typically built very differently.

And CP, my hubby can relate to your daughter/picture experience! My DD is quite the knockout herself. He actually sent the BF an "application to date my daughter" when they first started going out. Said he was joking. He wasn't. LOL

SDIT, please do NOT be offended by my contributions to this recent note-chain. I certainly have no business commenting on, or advising, ANYONE about raising children (just ask AAPMC ).

BUT....just for comparison, ask yourself how far off the beam would it be for a father to post here bemoaning the impending termination (under admittedly good terms) of his son's relationship with his college sweetheart.

God I hope not

I wasn't talking about you and your DD Sunny when I said that anyways.. Wonder if that is where the stereotyping misnomer was introduced.

See I have allways been able to talk to women, and knew women were anything but dumb..as a matter of fact they accually work harder and are more capable than men in most jobs. I used to supervise them as a young man, and had all of thier respect, from the oldest to the youngest and even the slutty/mixed up ones who tried everything.

The biggest joke is that women don't know what they are doing, and fortunately I had women friends I could joke with too, if the situation merited it. Ones that would kick my butt verbally if I needed it too.

I respect women, and find them just as important as men as friends

Sunny would you do me a favor and please tell me if and with what statement I might have offended you, or stereotyped women in general? I want to know because I will be going out into School soon and have to be careful.

My Knight In SHining Armor attitude I used to have when I was a young dumber man, sure hurts me still sometimes.

Would you please help me in this? Yeah I can be wrong, and I like to be corrected too.

Thanks Sunny, and UW please feel free to point it out too, if you are reading, and thank you too

Yes my young colledge student freind tells me how different things are now. Thats a good thing.

Yeah the MRS degree has been gone a long time too thank God

Yeah I have allways been respectful and cordial to all her boyfriends, and just about all of them have had thier heads screwed on strait, or she dumped them pretty quick anyways.
She is a smart and awesome young lady my daughter

She knows I would die for her if I had to though

Well, actually, I don't think it'd be that far off the beam. Not if the girl seemed like a truly good match, had all the right values and morals, and fit in well with the family - and most importantly, the son was truly heartbroken. Why could a father not empathize with his son that way?

I don't see a thing wrong with it. In fact, I'm sure my brother felt that way when my nephew's girlfriend broke up with him.

When you have a close relationship with a child it shouldn't matter what gender you are or they are: your heart breaks for them; you hurt when they hurt.

CP: I actually didn't think you said anything me trying to control DD's life - it was actually NG that alluded to that point, not you. lol

And I'm not upset or anything with NG questioning that because I DO think it would be wrong for me to control her feelings and decisions. It's not healthy. But, I did take a little offense that I would be thought of in such a manner. I thought I'd stated pretty clearly that I was helping her through this - felt sad for her - but that she had a good head on her shoulders and was making her own decisions. I think all good parents want what's best for our kids. We don't want them to have to hurt, even if we know it's part of life.

I go back to what Markos said: she is a smart girl for knowing what it takes to make a relationship work and I admire her for being able to end it, even though it hurts her to do so.

After hearing more details, it goes beyond just the "wait another year" thing too. It's her seeing that he seems unwilling to work together towards a solution. She feels if he is not willing to POJA this, he is either A: not serious about her anyway or B: will always have IB that he's not willing to negotiate through. (Yes, she knows all about this stuff!) For his part, he is not wanting to make a bunch of money to go out and party. He's wanting a nice bank account so he doesn't have to worry about financial things so much. He has no family support, financially and wants to be able to have some security. There's nothing wrong with that. But at this point, if he's going to put that job above her, then she's probably right about A and/or B.

It could just be that the LD relationship has already taken its toll and his love bank is depleted and he's fallen out of love with her, making him unmotivated to consider their relationship a priority. In which case, there's not much that can be done about that. Hard to fill a love bank so many miles away!

As for the stereotyping issue: the only thing I saw was when you mentioned girls being more interested in having relationships at that age, which I already addressed. And as I added, I think there ARE differences between the sexes. There are always exceptions, but even Dr. Harley makes distinctions between how men handle things vs women, as well as noting how our needs are different in many cases.

It was Unwritten who mentioned the stereotyping - and NG might have as well - so they'd be the ones to address that more particularly, I believe.