Actually, MB via Dr. Harley provides a guide to create new habits in Marriage. It provides paths to make change more desirable - as the above article that I linked to you lays out.

It's the same thing in creating other habits.

Beyond that, you didn't really read a word I wrote, did you?

You scanned it, decided that since I'm not patting you on the back and aiding you in demonizing your husband for lying, that I'm not worth listening to.


Let me repeat;

The truth of the issue is that you are freaking out because you discovered lies.

To him, it appears if you are freaking out because you discovered the truth.

In other words, you discover a lie and freak out, and the association is made that truth = you freaking out.

Why? Because you freak out and threaten divorce when you discover the lie.


Read the quote, read the ARTICLE, and tell me that it isn't EXACTLY what you are doing RIGHT NOW.

Tell me that. Tell the whole board honestly that you aren't using secondary gain to issue a threat, rather than doing anything to promote honesty.


I was betrayed on 1/26/2010, the day before my wife's birthday. Not too far out here, and I simply cannot see justification for this kind of behavior towards a spouse.

You want your husband to be honest?


Then QUIT freaking out and threatening to leave him, and start REWARDING honesty.

Honesty is NOT a given, it's not a right, it's not an entitlement. We toss it around as a virtue or mark of a good person not because it serves that person, but because deceit infuriates us. DEMANDING honesty is a selfish act.

You want honesty? Make yourself safe to be honest with.

Luvs,

I think no matter which route you end up going, you are still going to be LuvsDavid. I kinda equate it to a horrible car accident. There's all sorts of injuries internal and external. Because of the severity of it, we are going to carry the scars for life. But here's the thing... You will still be you. The essence of LD will be essentially the same, though you will be carrying those scars. One of the most distressing things to me after Dday was the realization that not only did my wife sin against me in a gross and horrendous way, but that what she did was affect my ability to be a pastor in our denomination. It's still up for grabs for me. I should have graduated in 08, now I'm looking at next year. Whether I pursue ministry or not won't affect the essence of CV though. I'll still be me... a bit more scarred, but still me.

This may not be the right time to be telling you this, so if it's not, just sit on it a while... In the meantime:

I can't help but think its more a renters mentality than a "wayward" now. I don't really think he will stray again but we will live just like we did before with the bare minimum to keep us both in the marriage.

In my snooping I saw what you suggested he do and it would have been so easy for him to do. I would have loved it. But I guess I was not worth the time it would have taken.

I WANT to lose 40 more pounds BUT not enough to put forth the effort required at the gym for example.

I have so much more in meto give but want to have it in return. I guess I've turned into a renter too.

LD,

Have you both read renters and buyers article yet? Sounds like you have. I'd suggest you both read it together, talk about whether or not you are happy in a relationship with 2 renters. As far as losing the weight, do it for yourself. It will make you feel better for yourself and your mind will be healthier for the effort.

I'm sorry the sketch didn't work out. Don't you think you aren't worth it though. You are.

What are some things you guys can do to improve communications between you? Both in the initiating and listening/responding modes?

Dee asked for an update so here it goes.

It's not a good one. We could be the poster child for how to not recover but still have the crippled version of the pre-A marriage.

I take responiblity for it as much as him but we are not working the program. I'm in withdrawal 90% of the time. Sometimes I want to say that I wished I never found the site because I would not know what we "could" have.

Do we have a better Marriage than before the A?----- YES hard not to be.

Do we have better than ever?---- NO

We both admit we are lazy and just getting by.

What is strange is I'm over the A. What I'm not over with is the things he said to me after discovery. I cant get them out of my head. I can still see it like I was watching a TV show of us.

Walking through Walmart and going past the prepaid phones and saying "dont even think about getting one of those to talk to her on" He later told me he "WANTED TO LAUGH AT ME BECAUSE THEY ALREADY HAD ONE"

How he told me "Condoms are cheaper to buy in singles than in packs"

Remembering how he told me he was looking for a radiator for a friend on craigslist (her car)

We are leaving Saturday for a few days away camping on the beach in FL and doing some sea Kayaking. We are hoping it will kick start the attachment again as we are feeling very far apart even in the same room right now.

I still read here but only post on how to snoop and what to watch for from experiance because I dont have any advice on how to recover.

(((luvs))) i am sorry you are in this state.

did you ever sign up for the online course? i think the real kick that we needed was talking with Steve, even a few times is worth it.

i hope your mini vacation will help you draw closer together and you can come up with a plan that you both can be excited about. you both admit you are lazy and just getting by, at least you agree, now just agree on how you will change that. Every time we hit a rut, it was suggested we take a trip and it does work

i hope the storms are gone by the time you go, H and i are supposed to be traveling just as it hits NY. Needless to say i am a bit unnerved by the uncertainty of the trip and the storm.