Ok my name is Jeff, over the past 2 months have been the hardest times in my life! I am 33 and my wife is 30.. We have been together for 12 years and married for 8. We were both each others first loves and I was her first parnter. Almost 2 months ago i recieved a call from someone hiding their identity and they told me my wife was having an affair..

I confronted her and sure enough she said yes she was infact cheating.. she told me she had sex with 5 men total with in 2 years and it was unprotected with all 5.. one of the guys was a 7 month affair right here in texas. I threw up when she told me this.. I could not beleive that my love could
do this to me she was "the good one" in the relationship..

When we got together in the beginning she knew I had a bad rep for sleeping with alot of women when i was single but I told her she was my girl for good and we started dating.. About 1 year into the relationship I cheated on her and she never found out. We got married..About 2 years into the marriage I became not attracted to her as much and started looking for other women to have sex with and I had a few ONS's, to get my needs taken care of. I still loved this girl with all my heart and could not see myself with anyone else as far as living together and doing everything together and loving somebody.

I would really give my life for her, but i had a problem a big problem.. I AM A SEX ADDICT!! and i cant controll it.. a few years later I found the worst thing i could have ever found.. I found prostitutes on the internet... Craigslist, at first i was sceptical and worried that it was a scam or that I would get arrested, but I tried it once and it was like doing the best drug ever.. I became addicted to prostitutes like charlie sheen lol, they were not crack whore looking girls they were all 20 to 24 yo and super hot 5'9 115lbs with fake boobs etc, i was was selective...

Since then I have been with probably over 80 prostitutes I found it was super easy and there is no commitment.. I would always wear protection and I was in and out of their room in under 15 mins, there was no kissing or talking or carressing it was just a release for me and i was out, i never had an affair in the marriage where I kept in contact with somebody, it was strictly sex and a quick release. I dont know how to control it.. All i know now is that my wife actually cheated on ME and actually had a REAL AFFAIR!! it hurts cause I cant believe my wife would go look for sex when shes married to a sex addict! and also the fact of being in an emotional relationship with someone else hurts.

Over the past 2 months I have excepted the fact that CARMA came back 10 fold and kicked my [censored], I deserved every bit of what she did to me. I have never been cheated on and I can tell you it is the worst feeling in the world, I admit that i was a complete piece of [censored] with a problem I cannot control, I love my wife sooo much and like I said I would lay down my life for her before and even now, most people whos wife did this to them would have kicked her [censored] out along time ago but because of what I did i feel that I have no right to do so, and dont want to..

She still wants to be with me and I still want to be with her, it is an eye opener for both of us, so far we both got tested and we are clean, and we have been going to marriage counceling and things are moving forward. BUT i have another HUGE problem!! I have not told her about my past in the marriage and my addiction with prostitutes.

Right now she feels bad that she did this to me in which yeah 5 guys unprotected and a affair is BAD!! But Im so ashamed of my behavior and past that Im scared that if I tell her she will bail.. I want to change and so does she, but there is so much hurt and broken trust right now that dropping this ball on her will probably break this marriage for good and right now things are actually getting better.. A serial cheater meets a Sex addict lmao.. i know, i know what a joke, but I beleive god forgives and I want to take the steps to change and NEVER do this again it really shook me up bad and her as well. Either of us never want to go through this pain again but we really are a perfect couple in alot of ways except for the mistakes we made..

My question is since NO ONE knows about my past and that I dont have stds or anything, should i just get addiction help and take my sectret past to my grave or should I pretty much end my marriage by telling her i banged over 80 whores? Im not sure what she will say to me.. She might get mad at first but then be like "well we are even" or she might just flip out and be like "I have no reason to stay with you!, I thought you were a good husband".

This is a messed up,twisted, unique situation. We do EVERYTHING together now, I gave it time for the dust to settle alittle bit, made her get a new phone number and loose contact with the OM and male friends, now that things are getting better and i am watching her to make sure the affair is over I want to tell her about my past but I cant get it off my tongue cause it might end the marriage that we are working hard to fix.. This is how I look at it.. I am a sex addict piece of [censored] and she was unhappy in the marriage and went elsewhere.. All this blew up and now we are inseperatable and back in love.. love is crazy! so is our marriage. I cant beleive im pressing Submit!

I can't believe it either.

You cannot keep your wife married to you under false pretenses.
You cannot lie to her (by omission) and let her bear the guilt and shame.
She deserves the truth about her history and marriage.

Your right I have to tell her.. But should I wait a little bit like another month or so till things are less intense.. I honestly beleive that a miracle is in the works. That one of the worst marriages can turn around and be a strong faithful one. BUT i am really worried to tell her about my past, I dont even like thinking about it lol.. Guess its like a drug addiction and I have denial sometimes, I know i have a problem but I am blown away that she has one too, unbelievable!

You need to tell your Wife everything.

What is Sexual Addiction?

You will need to tell your wife everything. Hell, you already wrote it down. Just print it out and hand it to her, for a start.

Ok this question is for women as you women think differently than us and to this day I cannot figure you out lol..

Ok i know everyone woman is different and I got a crazy one but, put your self in my wifes shoes if you even could..Over the past 2 years you cheated on your husband with 5 men and one of them was an affair that lasted 7 months till you were caught red handed. All the sudden you realize that you are so ashamed and you cant beleive what you have done and you will do anything for your husband to forgive you..You are so sorry, so you guys start getting help and you truley know you wont do it again but building trust with your husband will take time and you are willing to take the steps to save your marriage..

Then 2 months later your husband tells you he too has cheated and with over 80 prostitutes and that he is a sex addict that needs help!

Feeling guilty your self about your own actions, after hearing this..

What would you say?
What would you think?
And what would you do?



My wife also asked me if i wanted to seperate and maybe see other women to see if I really wanted to be with her, I told her i did not want to serperate and that it was either divorse or we work on it and that I dont want any other women. She decided to stay and now i feel guilty as I always have..

We can't really imagine standing in her cheater shoes because we aren't the cheat-ers; we are the cheat-ees.

If you put her through two months of her being the bad guy and you being the fabulous forgiving husband, then she finds out about you, it will be WAY worse than you telling her today.

Trying to imagine being in her shoes: I'd react to the 2-month wait by packing my car and leaving, no further discussion ever. I would feel more horribly manipulated than ever before. You would be served divorce papers.

I hope a female reader has some info for the above question, But here is another question..

Who is worse my wife or me? me having a sex addiction with prostitutes that is a quick 10 minute physical release in which I have no interest in haveing a relationship and it is protected..

Or my wife having 4 ONS's unprotected and then having a 7 month unprotected affair sexual and emotional with OM? They were texting each other all day long on our wedding anniversary and telling him all the stuff i was doing for her like the nice expensive trip I took her on and he would say NICE! and very cool!

And they would say "hey handsome" "hey beautiful" "luv ya" and [censored] like that.. OMG guess I really didnt see my problem being more than a intense lap dance at a strip club being that it was protected but i know it was.. This emotional relationship he had with my virgin wife and love of my life completely crushed me. The name calling and movie keeps playing in my head of the unprotected sex.. I wish I would have got help early and tried to work on things before it spun out of control..

I know im wondering if I have waited too long already.. Its been like 50 days since Dday with her affair..

Im sooo disgusted with her, but at the same time my sectrets are eating me up inside. There has been times where I almost told her in the past few weeks but I couldnt get it off my tongue.. I was afraid she would run off and continue partying with the wrong crowd. She has since left them and comes home into my arms and tells me what she is doing and that she is madly in love with me again, we are both transparent and communicate for the first time ever.. I love this woman as much as i did on our honeymoon right now but Im afraid of loosing the marriage if i tell her my past, its like do I stay with the love of my life and never mess up again or do i tell her and get a divorse? This is such a hard decision for me cause I could still be with her for ever from here on out but I will always have that secret. No one else knows about this but me.. well and this forum. I know the right thing to do is tell her.. But what happens then? I maybe loose her for good....

It's never to late to tell the truth.

It doesn't matter what we think she will feel/think, because we aren't your wife.

Man up and tell the truth.

Tell her NOW. She may decide she doesn't want to be married to you and that is her right. She can't very well make a decision about the future of her marriage if she doesn't know the truth.

There is no "miracle" here except you are a liar who is lying to her and tricking her into staying married to you. Go tell her the truth TONIGHT and show her this thread.

Let her decide if she wants to stay married.

And don't tell her that hogwash about her affair is a real affair and yours is not. Your affairs were AFFAIRS and were actually WORSE than hers. She betrayed her marriage over someone she had feelings for; you didn't even have that excuse. You were out trolling for strange all this time and betrayed your marriage over absolutely nothing. a big fat nothing. You hve been exposing her to skank diseases for years using the excuse that you needed your needs met. That might work for a jackrabbit in heat, but you are a MAN. A man that has full control over his behavior.

Yes, you might! So go tell her and let HER make that decision.

But what happens then? I maybe loose her for good....

Mel beat me to an answer, but I'd add that truly loving her, as you have proclaimed many times in your various notes, means giving her the informed opportunity to pick a path for her own life.

Jeff, you can't clean up her mess. You can only clean up your own side of the street.

Uh, sorry, but I call "horsecrap" on that, Jeff. You don't love her. You love how she makes you feel when you control her access to information about her own life. That's not love. You don't even love her enough to be honest with her. When it comes to love, action talks and b.s. walks. The opeative action here is honesty. I don't see any action, all I see is your b.s.

No, it's a hard decision for you because right now, you care more about covering your own butt than about caring for her. You "love" your wife so much that you won't even be honest with her? Gimme a break. What a joke. Get honest with yourself about your own motives. Just because you don't have a hooker under you doesn't mean you're not still in full-selfish mode.

I'm a guy who had an affair, Jeff. It almost trashed my marriage to the best woman on the planet. I know that honesty is make-or-break for a marriage. Take my word on it or learn it a harder way, pal -- it's your life to screw up.

I won't appeal to your sense of decency here, because yours is at least temporarily missing. Instead, let me try to appeal to your self-interest: You're a self-admitted 'sex addict.' If you know jack about addiction (which you don't seem to), then you oughtta know that it's damned hard for an addict to break his or addiction on his/her own, with no outside accountability. If for no other reason that this, you need your wife to know because of the accountability it might provide for you. Otherwise, you're going to end up a 55-year-old man (Holy crap, that's 10 years older than me!) who'll have spent his whole life & a helluva a lot of money banging whores whom you can't love & who won't ever love you.

It's your call. I'd suggest you man up, velcro on a pair, and come clean with your wife. Your marriage only has a slim shot anyway, and with no accountability, you'll just keep banging whores and you'll get found out, and you'll feel like dirt anyway. So you've really got nothing to lose by telling the truth for a change.

Transparency? Gimme a friggin' break. C'mon, take a step back & listen to your own b.s. before you even think any further about not telling her ASAP. It might help you make some proper decisions here.

Among other things you need to be tested for STDs right away, because condoms are NEVER 100% foolproof.

Do you know that they allow 3 holes per 1000 condoms (a figure I was given in sex ed, it may have changed since that class)? You are in danger of losing more than your marriage if you do not come clean and cut this crap out.

"Velcro on a pair!" Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Has your wife been institutionalized? You say she is crazy, which begs the question.

Or are you totally disrespecting your wife with such a horrible, insensitve comment?

Might I also suggest that, though there are no excuses for your wife's affairs, one reason she went seeking love and attention elsewhere is because she wasn't getting it at home. Since you were out "getting your needs met" whenever you felt like it, she would most likely have sensed an emptiness between you two. Your behavior doesn't happen in a vacuum, it affects those around you, even if they can't put their finger on what is wrong in the relationship. It kind of grosses me out to think that you believe you can just bed 80 whores with no repercussions to your feelings for your wife and vice versa. Grow up.