Ok my name is Jeff, over the past 2 months have been the hardest times in my life! I am 33 and my wife is 30.. We have been together for 12 years and married for 8. We were both each others first loves and I was her first parnter. Almost 2 months ago i recieved a call from someone hiding their identity and they told me my wife was having an affair..

I confronted her and sure enough she said yes she was infact cheating.. she told me she had sex with 5 men total with in 2 years and it was unprotected with all 5.. one of the guys was a 7 month affair right here in texas. I threw up when she told me this.. I could not beleive that my love could
do this to me she was "the good one" in the relationship..

When we got together in the beginning she knew I had a bad rep for sleeping with alot of women when i was single but I told her she was my girl for good and we started dating.. About 1 year into the relationship I cheated on her and she never found out. We got married..About 2 years into the marriage I became not attracted to her as much and started looking for other women to have sex with and I had a few ONS's, to get my needs taken care of. I still loved this girl with all my heart and could not see myself with anyone else as far as living together and doing everything together and loving somebody.

I would really give my life for her, but i had a problem a big problem.. I AM A SEX ADDICT!! and i cant controll it.. a few years later I found the worst thing i could have ever found.. I found prostitutes on the internet... Craigslist, at first i was sceptical and worried that it was a scam or that I would get arrested, but I tried it once and it was like doing the best drug ever.. I became addicted to prostitutes like charlie sheen lol, they were not crack whore looking girls they were all 20 to 24 yo and super hot 5'9 115lbs with fake boobs etc, i was was selective...

Since then I have been with probably over 80 prostitutes I found it was super easy and there is no commitment.. I would always wear protection and I was in and out of their room in under 15 mins, there was no kissing or talking or carressing it was just a release for me and i was out, i never had an affair in the marriage where I kept in contact with somebody, it was strictly sex and a quick release. I dont know how to control it.. All i know now is that my wife actually cheated on ME and actually had a REAL AFFAIR!! it hurts cause I cant believe my wife would go look for sex when shes married to a sex addict! and also the fact of being in an emotional relationship with someone else hurts.

Over the past 2 months I have excepted the fact that CARMA came back 10 fold and kicked my [censored], I deserved every bit of what she did to me. I have never been cheated on and I can tell you it is the worst feeling in the world, I admit that i was a complete piece of [censored] with a problem I cannot control, I love my wife sooo much and like I said I would lay down my life for her before and even now, most people whos wife did this to them would have kicked her [censored] out along time ago but because of what I did i feel that I have no right to do so, and dont want to..

She still wants to be with me and I still want to be with her, it is an eye opener for both of us, so far we both got tested and we are clean, and we have been going to marriage counceling and things are moving forward. BUT i have another HUGE problem!! I have not told her about my past in the marriage and my addiction with prostitutes.

Right now she feels bad that she did this to me in which yeah 5 guys unprotected and a affair is BAD!! But Im so ashamed of my behavior and past that Im scared that if I tell her she will bail.. I want to change and so does she, but there is so much hurt and broken trust right now that dropping this ball on her will probably break this marriage for good and right now things are actually getting better.. A serial cheater meets a Sex addict lmao.. i know, i know what a joke, but I beleive god forgives and I want to take the steps to change and NEVER do this again it really shook me up bad and her as well. Either of us never want to go through this pain again but we really are a perfect couple in alot of ways except for the mistakes we made..

My question is since NO ONE knows about my past and that I dont have stds or anything, should i just get addiction help and take my sectret past to my grave or should I pretty much end my marriage by telling her i banged over 80 whores? Im not sure what she will say to me.. She might get mad at first but then be like "well we are even" or she might just flip out and be like "I have no reason to stay with you!, I thought you were a good husband".

This is a messed up,twisted, unique situation. We do EVERYTHING together now, I gave it time for the dust to settle alittle bit, made her get a new phone number and loose contact with the OM and male friends, now that things are getting better and i am watching her to make sure the affair is over I want to tell her about my past but I cant get it off my tongue cause it might end the marriage that we are working hard to fix.. This is how I look at it.. I am a sex addict piece of [censored] and she was unhappy in the marriage and went elsewhere.. All this blew up and now we are inseperatable and back in love.. love is crazy! so is our marriage. I cant beleive im pressing Submit!

I can't believe it either.

You cannot keep your wife married to you under false pretenses.
You cannot lie to her (by omission) and let her bear the guilt and shame.
She deserves the truth about her history and marriage.

Your right I have to tell her.. But should I wait a little bit like another month or so till things are less intense.. I honestly beleive that a miracle is in the works. That one of the worst marriages can turn around and be a strong faithful one. BUT i am really worried to tell her about my past, I dont even like thinking about it lol.. Guess its like a drug addiction and I have denial sometimes, I know i have a problem but I am blown away that she has one too, unbelievable!

You need to tell your Wife everything.

What is Sexual Addiction?

You will need to tell your wife everything. Hell, you already wrote it down. Just print it out and hand it to her, for a start.

Ok this question is for women as you women think differently than us and to this day I cannot figure you out lol..

Ok i know everyone woman is different and I got a crazy one but, put your self in my wifes shoes if you even could..Over the past 2 years you cheated on your husband with 5 men and one of them was an affair that lasted 7 months till you were caught red handed. All the sudden you realize that you are so ashamed and you cant beleive what you have done and you will do anything for your husband to forgive you..You are so sorry, so you guys start getting help and you truley know you wont do it again but building trust with your husband will take time and you are willing to take the steps to save your marriage..

Then 2 months later your husband tells you he too has cheated and with over 80 prostitutes and that he is a sex addict that needs help!

Feeling guilty your self about your own actions, after hearing this..

What would you say?
What would you think?
And what would you do?



My wife also asked me if i wanted to seperate and maybe see other women to see if I really wanted to be with her, I told her i did not want to serperate and that it was either divorse or we work on it and that I dont want any other women. She decided to stay and now i feel guilty as I always have..

We can't really imagine standing in her cheater shoes because we aren't the cheat-ers; we are the cheat-ees.

If you put her through two months of her being the bad guy and you being the fabulous forgiving husband, then she finds out about you, it will be WAY worse than you telling her today.

Trying to imagine being in her shoes: I'd react to the 2-month wait by packing my car and leaving, no further discussion ever. I would feel more horribly manipulated than ever before. You would be served divorce papers.

I hope a female reader has some info for the above question, But here is another question..

Who is worse my wife or me? me having a sex addiction with prostitutes that is a quick 10 minute physical release in which I have no interest in haveing a relationship and it is protected..

Or my wife having 4 ONS's unprotected and then having a 7 month unprotected affair sexual and emotional with OM? They were texting each other all day long on our wedding anniversary and telling him all the stuff i was doing for her like the nice expensive trip I took her on and he would say NICE! and very cool!

And they would say "hey handsome" "hey beautiful" "luv ya" and [censored] like that.. OMG guess I really didnt see my problem being more than a intense lap dance at a strip club being that it was protected but i know it was.. This emotional relationship he had with my virgin wife and love of my life completely crushed me. The name calling and movie keeps playing in my head of the unprotected sex.. I wish I would have got help early and tried to work on things before it spun out of control..

I know im wondering if I have waited too long already.. Its been like 50 days since Dday with her affair..

Im sooo disgusted with her, but at the same time my sectrets are eating me up inside. There has been times where I almost told her in the past few weeks but I couldnt get it off my tongue.. I was afraid she would run off and continue partying with the wrong crowd. She has since left them and comes home into my arms and tells me what she is doing and that she is madly in love with me again, we are both transparent and communicate for the first time ever.. I love this woman as much as i did on our honeymoon right now but Im afraid of loosing the marriage if i tell her my past, its like do I stay with the love of my life and never mess up again or do i tell her and get a divorse? This is such a hard decision for me cause I could still be with her for ever from here on out but I will always have that secret. No one else knows about this but me.. well and this forum. I know the right thing to do is tell her.. But what happens then? I maybe loose her for good....

It's never to late to tell the truth.

It doesn't matter what we think she will feel/think, because we aren't your wife.

Man up and tell the truth.

Tell her NOW. She may decide she doesn't want to be married to you and that is her right. She can't very well make a decision about the future of her marriage if she doesn't know the truth.

There is no "miracle" here except you are a liar who is lying to her and tricking her into staying married to you. Go tell her the truth TONIGHT and show her this thread.

Let her decide if she wants to stay married.

And don't tell her that hogwash about her affair is a real affair and yours is not. Your affairs were AFFAIRS and were actually WORSE than hers. She betrayed her marriage over someone she had feelings for; you didn't even have that excuse. You were out trolling for strange all this time and betrayed your marriage over absolutely nothing. a big fat nothing. You hve been exposing her to skank diseases for years using the excuse that you needed your needs met. That might work for a jackrabbit in heat, but you are a MAN. A man that has full control over his behavior.

Yes, you might! So go tell her and let HER make that decision.

But what happens then? I maybe loose her for good....

Mel beat me to an answer, but I'd add that truly loving her, as you have proclaimed many times in your various notes, means giving her the informed opportunity to pick a path for her own life.

Jeff, you can't clean up her mess. You can only clean up your own side of the street.

Uh, sorry, but I call "horsecrap" on that, Jeff. You don't love her. You love how she makes you feel when you control her access to information about her own life. That's not love. You don't even love her enough to be honest with her. When it comes to love, action talks and b.s. walks. The opeative action here is honesty. I don't see any action, all I see is your b.s.

No, it's a hard decision for you because right now, you care more about covering your own butt than about caring for her. You "love" your wife so much that you won't even be honest with her? Gimme a break. What a joke. Get honest with yourself about your own motives. Just because you don't have a hooker under you doesn't mean you're not still in full-selfish mode.

I'm a guy who had an affair, Jeff. It almost trashed my marriage to the best woman on the planet. I know that honesty is make-or-break for a marriage. Take my word on it or learn it a harder way, pal -- it's your life to screw up.

I won't appeal to your sense of decency here, because yours is at least temporarily missing. Instead, let me try to appeal to your self-interest: You're a self-admitted 'sex addict.' If you know jack about addiction (which you don't seem to), then you oughtta know that it's damned hard for an addict to break his or addiction on his/her own, with no outside accountability. If for no other reason that this, you need your wife to know because of the accountability it might provide for you. Otherwise, you're going to end up a 55-year-old man (Holy crap, that's 10 years older than me!) who'll have spent his whole life & a helluva a lot of money banging whores whom you can't love & who won't ever love you.

It's your call. I'd suggest you man up, velcro on a pair, and come clean with your wife. Your marriage only has a slim shot anyway, and with no accountability, you'll just keep banging whores and you'll get found out, and you'll feel like dirt anyway. So you've really got nothing to lose by telling the truth for a change.

Transparency? Gimme a friggin' break. C'mon, take a step back & listen to your own b.s. before you even think any further about not telling her ASAP. It might help you make some proper decisions here.

Among other things you need to be tested for STDs right away, because condoms are NEVER 100% foolproof.

Do you know that they allow 3 holes per 1000 condoms (a figure I was given in sex ed, it may have changed since that class)? You are in danger of losing more than your marriage if you do not come clean and cut this crap out.

"Velcro on a pair!" Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Has your wife been institutionalized? You say she is crazy, which begs the question.

Or are you totally disrespecting your wife with such a horrible, insensitve comment?

Might I also suggest that, though there are no excuses for your wife's affairs, one reason she went seeking love and attention elsewhere is because she wasn't getting it at home. Since you were out "getting your needs met" whenever you felt like it, she would most likely have sensed an emptiness between you two. Your behavior doesn't happen in a vacuum, it affects those around you, even if they can't put their finger on what is wrong in the relationship. It kind of grosses me out to think that you believe you can just bed 80 whores with no repercussions to your feelings for your wife and vice versa. Grow up.

**edit**

You are both at fault. It is not my place to sit and judge either of you and decide who is the biggest cheater here. What I can tell you is that both of you need to come completely clean with each other about EVERYTHING and do this ASAP. Your marriage can't even begin to heal with all of the sexual baggage. It is no longer important who cheated first, the most,or the longest. What is important is "cleaning" up your marriage and start investing in each other and being honest with each other.

This is coming from a women who cheated on her Husband twice and in turn he had a revenge affair. But guess what, we don't focus on any of that anymore. We focus on making our marriage the best that it has ever been.

Just another FYI, it is HARD work and both you and your wife need to be 100% committed to your marriage and each other. Tell your wife the truth and ask her to be completely honest with you as well. This is the most important thing to do right now.

Wow just logged in to many comments, yeah i didnt expect to come on here and be praised for my actions, in fact i was ready for the harsh comments and reality check..Thank you.. I decided that I am going to tell my wife, Im not going to wait 2 months, but I am going to do it after Thanksgiving as we will all be with our families, we have busy schedules and it sucks to deal with this at work. We will both be off work next week after TG where we could sit down and talk.. I need to get this off my chest..

My wife is not (crazy) lol but she has a bubbly outgoing personality more of a (fun crazy). we definalty have a different marriage than most.. Its almost like we had an open marriage that we didnt know about..

My wifes best friend had an affair as well and her husband was getting hookers also and they are back together now.. I had no idea he was doing the same thing. But i know about 3 other friends that are banging these whores while their wifes are at home, it is not uncommon, but yes a sick addiction, for $30 you can bang a 21yo prom queen thats working her way though college, im not lying, some of these girls are 10's.. Any way that is besides the point.. Bottom line I am an addict that needs help... I made a mistake, I do love my wife and I will tell her next week when we have time to sit down and talk..

Knowing my wife, chances are she will be upset and ashamed but we will work this out.. But yeah there still is a chance it could go south and be over... But your right I cant live with this secret for 10- 20 more years... Also my wife kinda throws it in my face sometimes that what she did was wrong, but i think she feels like she banged 5 guys and got away with it with out concequence. By me telling her my story she will be given concequences and if we stay together I would feel better that we both have to deal with our [censored] up pasts, if it works out it might bring us closer and we will both be concerned about what we are capable of and help each other to NOT mess up again..

P.s I like the velcro pair thing too lol..

GOOD ADVICE THANK YOU..

[quote=Wonderingif]Might I also suggest that, though there are no excuses for your wife's affairs, one reason she went seeking love and attention elsewhere is because she wasn't getting it at home. Since you were out "getting your needs met" whenever you felt like it, she would most likely have sensed an emptiness between you two. Your behavior doesn't happen in a vacuum, it affects those around you, even if they can't put their finger on what is wrong in the relationship. It kind of grosses me out to think that you believe you can just bed 80 whores with no repercussions to your feelings for your wife and vice versa. Grow up. [/qu

My wife said she went stray because she was unhappy in the marriage with a bunch of things that she still cant figure out.. She said the affair was strictly sexual and the other ONS's were yes just sex....

I never thought of it that way, i think you have a valid point.. I was out banging whores and getting my needs taken care of and then coming home and saying "hi" to my wife and just going to sleep. I never thought she had (sexual needs) like i did. She has never been a sexual person or had a high sex drive even when we got together in the beginning at 18yo, I think now that we are in our 30's her hormones have changed and she now has needs. And thats awesome for me! as long as I can get help for this addiction, and some how create a new amazing sex life with my wife we may be able to make this work.. But its going to be hard work..

What are you going to do to get help?

You're still grossing me out the way you talk about these girls. It's disgusting. These kids are younger than my two oldest daughters and it's like you're bragging you got to "bang" them. They are human beings who have to live with giving themselves away to strangers for the rest of their lives. Would you want your daughter to feel like that? Like she's just a nicely shaped piece of meat that gets treated no better than a used kleenex? You really need to get help and get over yourself.

And I didn't just mean you weren't meeting her sexual needs. I meant you were so selfishly caught up in your addiction I doubt you thought much about ANY of her emotional needs. You have a lot to learn.

He's a sex addict.
To date he complains about his wife's affair and keeps saying he can't control himself.

Sir, you need to take responsibility for your actions first

An addict only thinks about themselves.
I lived with an alcoholic and they are the most selfish people I have ever met.
This guy admits to having sex with 80 prostitutes. The truth is probably double that number.
Yet he is worried about his wife's affair.

He won't be honest because she may be upset and that may affect HIM negatively.
Yet, he may be giving her all types of STDs. Potentially life threatening ones. But he doesn't care because HIS needs. HIS addiction comes first.

Did you read this?

Why wait to do the right thing? Why not tell her today? You're just making excuses.

All people having affairs behave like addicts. All people having affairs are selfish and do not let thoughts of the risks that they are causing for their spouses stop them.

The radio programme yesterday was about "sex addicts". Dr Harley's suggestions for the spouse were very stringent and extreme versions of the considerations that all betrayed spouses need to make before they attempt to recover the marriage.

If the unfaithful spouse will agree WILLINGLY and even cheerfully to change their lifestyles and make themselves visible and accountable every minute of every day, then the betrayed spouse might consider reconciliation. If not, then the betrayed spouse should never consider this. Visibility and accountability would mean living just like Dr H and Joyce live: working together and being "joined at the hip" as Joyce put it. Because Dr H and Joyce are together all day every day, there is no conceivable way that an affair could begin. That is what Dr H recommending for the spouse of a rampantly serial adulterer. If the couple can't work together and be together all the time, the betrayed spouse should walk away because the behaviour will not stop.

I don't know how to link radio broadcasts, but if I ask nicely, I hope that our dear friend Brainy will be able to link the segment. Thank you in advance, dear Brainy.

Sugar,

I will post it as soon as they load it into the archives. They are a week behind.

If you read the article that Brainy linked, you will see that Dr H is slow to conclude that someone is a sex addict, and that he never concludes this on the basis that the number of his affairs is extreme. Is isn't simply the number of extra-marital acts that make the affairee an addict, nor the fact that they are with prostitutes and would therefore be seen as cold an unfulfilling to the rest of us. He writes,

"That's the dilemma that we face when trying to decide if someone is a sex addict. Must a compulsive sexual behavior be proven to be unhealthy and cause guilt before it can be considered a sexual addiction? Or, is the simple condition that it upsets his wife reason enough?

I've counseled many men whom we would all agree are sex addicts. Some of them have broken the law by compulsively exposing themselves in public for sexual gratification. They ruin their marriage, their career, and their self-esteem with such behavior. They also feel very guilty about what they've done. Most psychologists have no difficulty diagnosing these offenders as being addicted to sex."

It seems to be the element of compulsion that is significant. and most importantly, this must be felt even when the marriage is improved so that the man's sexual needs are met within it and he has promised not to hurt his wife with the behaviour again. When the multiple incidents of sex with prostitutes is exposed, and when the couple is working on marital recovery in the way the Dr H prescribes - if the man has endured the humiliation and shame of exposure to those particular acts, and if he has lived through months of his wife's hurt but also through her committed efforts to provide him with love, sex and care - if the man still feels a need to seek sex with strangers then he is probably a sex addict. The problem is, in the majority of marriages where there has been that type of sex, the couple accepts the "sex addict" definition and gives up on the marriage. Perhaps, as in the case of Tiger Woods (which he discusses in the article), the offending spouse undertakes a period of therapy in order to try doing something, but if the conditions that allowed the adultery to take place are not addressed, there is no hope for the marriage to be saved and the couple divorce even after therapy, as did Tiger Woods and his wife. As Dr H says, they never made the commitment that he would have encouraged them to make, which would be to give the marriage a try under new, stringent conditions; that Woods never travelled without Elin and gave up attendance at tournaments if Elin could not travel with him every single time.

In other words, the "sex addict" label is often misapplied and is actually dangerous to most marriages affected by multiple affairs. It encourages the spouses to think that there is some clinical or psychological condition that probably cannot be overcome even with extreme therapy (such as attending a sex addiction programme, as did Tiger Woods). They don't make the extreme lifestyle changes that could well save their marriages and they divorce, when nobody knows whether the marriage could have been saved.

If they make the extreme changes that Dr H recommends, including an all-out effort to meet sexual and all other emotional needs within the marriage, and if both spouses report an increased level of happiness with the marriage, and if the compulsion to visit prostitutes persists, then the man is probably a sex addict. But he isn't a sex addict simply because he has had sex with 80 or 800 prostitutes, and using that lable on the basis of the story we have been told here is irresponsible and self-defeating. Suggesting a sex addiction group could simply be a way of substituting one addiction for another; I have heard many stories of addicts substituting alcohol addiction for AA meetings which themselves become addictions, and continuing to ruin their marriages by neglecting them.

This poster should write to Dr H for sepcific advice, but as I said, Dr H addressed this issue on yesterday's show, and he addresses it in the article linked. Nowhere does he suggest therapy as a first step, or adopting the mantel of "sex addict" without first radically changing the marriage to see what difference, if any, that makes.

This poster will not be able to make those changes for both their benefits unless he tells his wife about his lifestyle, so he needs to confess.

Sounds like you need some new friends. I don't know of any friends who are routinely 'banging whores while their wives are at home...' and if I did they would no longer be friends.

You have a lot to learn about valuing and protecting your marriage. Until then, start with dumping these friends.

Do you all have children? What kind of role models are you being for your children? What are you teaching your children about the worth of women, worth of marriage?

Um, you mean you made EIGHTY mistakes. 8-0. Stop downsizing this by saying it was a mistake and you couldn't help yourself.

Also, you glamorize this ability to bang a 20 yr old 'prom queen' as if we should all be proud of you. Make no mistake my friend, WE are all sickened by it. ANY man, of any age, weight, or level of personal hygiene can pay a prostitute for sex. Good grief, why would you be proud of that. It's disgusting, and you should be ashamed of it.

Jeff.
What are you going to do to stop your behavior?

Dude, I was dumb & selfish enough to have an affair that spanned both Thanksgiving & Christmas, 4 years ago. So you can flat-out trust me & take it to the bank when I tell you that no matter how much it'll suck now, someday this Thanksgiving will be less tainted in her memory if you tell her now than if you wait until after the holiday to tell her later.

See, everything between when you started being unfaithful with the other women & the day you come clean is gonna be tainted with the odor of 'coverup' and will forevermore be seen as a lie of sorts. You can't change that, ever, no matter how hard you try. All you can do is draw a line around it, by putting an end to the coverup & coming clean.

Uh-huh. You think there's going to be miracle to get your [censored] off the hot seat? Ain't gonna happen, friend. No one is going to miraculously save you from yourself. DO IT NOW.

Most waywards like the idea of waiting for a more convenient time. That time is NOW.

Why wait until after thanksgiving.
Let me guess: Because it benefits YOU. Maybe a few more Craigslist whores before you quit cold turkey?

Tell my wife my problem, and go to an AA or 12 step program. I'll go whether she stays or goes.. If i dont i will end up getting arrested or with a disease.. We both got tested for everything and we are both clean..

Sorry, guess in proper terms.. "these women are attractive" and I wasnt always an addict.. I think it was like trying a drug for the first time and liking it. Also getting away with it was an extra rush.. Im admitting its wrong and need to get some help on it..

I think a reason I did not tell her right away is because I was still in shock that she was in an actual ongoing sexual/emotional relationship with somebody who was cheating on his GF. I did not think this marriage would stick around so there was no reason for me to unload my past and let it all get out to friends and fam over a marriage that is not going to work..

HOW EVER this marriage has turned around and she is onboard to fix things and if I was NOT to tell her i could see us staying together for many years, BUT now that I know she wants to really work this out I HAVE TO TELL HER because if we are going to be together i cant carry this secret anymore AND I need her help getting through this.. Like I said before this could all backfire and we might end the marriage, but it could also start a fresh marriage with honesty.

Im trying to do the right thing, but not alot of people support you in this situation. It sucks.

Years ago the city of Portland began cracking down on prostitution.
The cops impounded vehicles that picked up prostitutes and sent the ticket to the Registered Owner. The wife's often opened the mail and discovered the husbands infidelity.
Then the city started publishing pictures of those arrested.

Like these men, you can try to conceal and convince yourself you will never be caught. But eventually you will be.

Very good advice.. I will tell her..Im not making excuses by waiting till next week, it is simply the only free time we have to actually sit down and talk due to our schedules this week and with the holiday. I will tell her and very soon..

You are completely full of it sir.
It takes 5 minutes to go to your wife, say I have something to tell you.
I have been unfaithful during our marriage and have slept with at least 80 prostitutes.

How long does it take to say those two sentences?

Sugar, I re read the article
On sex addiction.
I did not see where Dr Harley wrote that going to a 12 step progra
Would make the program the new addiction.

Reading through Jeff's posts, he says all three of the items Dr Harley mentioned in the article.

Jeff, irregardless of wether you are an addict or just commiting selfish behavior you need to tell your wife. Hopefully you haven't already given her an std.

Speaking as a BS I will tell you there is no good time. Every second that passes is added to the betrayal. When my XWH told me 12/2006 about a disgusting ongoing Affair he had "sometime" in late 2003-2004 it crushed me. Over 2 years living a lie. He begged me not to leave, made all kinds of promises. When I did choose to work on the marriage that day was the start date of recovery. In my case there were far more lies and Affairs after so we never recovered. Your marriage my not recover either but that isn't the point of telling your wife the truth. You tell her the truth because she deserves to know. Just like you deserved to know about her affairs. If you want ANY chance of making the marriage work tell her today & tell her everything.

Yeah i agree, she still talks to her friend from time to time but not like before.. And I do not talk to these guys anymore.. In fact over the last few weeks we have be going to church.. to one of those couples marriage classes, we have met new friends just in the 3 weeks we have been going. They are good people..

We do not have children, we are 2 good looking social people that would be out at the bar scene 3 nights a week. and our marriage was broken, she went out and found happieness with these men, and I how ever did the same how even in a easier different matter.. at first i met a few women at the bar and exchanged numbers but found that it was WAY to risky to keep in contact with people here in town and have friendships with other women. I would have got caught so it was easier to get hookers.

I was unhappy as well but did not want to throw in the towel in our marriage just yet cause there was still good times and love, so i went and wandered outside the marriage and so did she... Alot of guys want to stay single and just have sex with women instead of commiting. In my case I looked at it like i was single and then thought "well i could buy this girl at the bar I met $30 in drinks, $25 dinner, go though all the role playing and bs then get her number and start texting and getting to know her and then a week or 2 down the road finally have sex with her"..

I thought no way..... way to much work and risk for someone i dont want to get to know and for someone i just wanted to have sex with.. Yeah there was still risk of being arrested or getting a disease but I didnt care in the heat of the moment. I was VERY carefull not to get any STDs i couldnt imagine giving my wife anything.. And then i find out she was with 5 guys unprotected lol..

I agree we have alot to learn. like I said we were our "first loves" we never had any other relationships more than 2 months in out lifes and then all of the sudden 13 years!. We spend all our 20's together and while all our friends were out at college partying and sleeping around we were not. I think it just hit us in our 30's that we better get this out of our systems to see what its like before we are too old,, yeah i know it sounds stupid but when you have no kids and you are good looking and get attention from the other sex there is alot of temptation, and we both failed!..

Alot of people can say "In my first marriage, this and that happened and I learned what not to do".... In our case we are learning as we go on and its a horrible way to learn..

Speaking as a BS I will tell you there is no good time. Every second that passes is added to the betrayal. When my XWH told me 12/2006 about a disgusting ongoing Affair he had "sometime" in late 2003-2004 it crushed me. Over 2 years living a lie. He begged me not to leave, made all kinds of promises. When I did choose to work on the marriage that day was the start date of recovery. In my case there were far more lies and Affairs after so we never recovered. Your marriage my not recover either but that isn't the point of telling your wife the truth. You tell her the truth because she deserves to know. Just like you deserved to know about her affairs. If you want ANY chance of making the marriage work tell her today & tell her everything

There actually are bad times to tell her.. We just found out yesterday that her dad has cancer, she is taking it hard. If i tell her tonight about my past it will crush her with everthing all at once.. I feel really bad.. I might tell her tonight after we go visit him.. Her family depends on me alot to help get things done cause he is in the hospital..

You committing adultery with 80+ prostitutes is what is going to crush her, not the fact that you are finally coming clean about it. It is the ACT, not the confession, that she will be crushed by.

I don't have the energy to count up how many times you have now posted 'you are right I will tell her...' but if you add up the amount of time it has taken you to write it you could have actually TOLD her by now.

Whoa. PLEASE do me a favor and go google STD facts RIGHT NOW and educate yourself on what STD's are and how they are spread. Clearly you have no clue.

You say you didn't care 'in the heat of the moment...' but when you go seek out a prostitute, money in hand, a PROACTIVE act, that is not 'in the heat of the moment.' It is a planned and executed event.

There is also ABSOLUTELY NO correlation between the words 1) sex with 80+ prostitutes and 2) being VERY CAREFUL to not get an STD. That is like saying you played Russian Roulette but were very careful to get the empty chamber. Huh?

FACT: HPV (the virus that causes genital warts) is the #1 STD and has been for many many years. It is spread through SKIN ON SKIN contact, so, unless you wore a condom that covered the entire lower half of your body, you could get it. I am guessing that probably 100% of prostitutes have HPV, given how widespread in the normal populace it is. It can cause different kinds of cancer, amongst other things, in both men and women.

Like when I used to say I was a very good drunk driver??

Did you get tested AFTER the last time you had sex with a prostitute or ANY other woman than your wife, and after the last time she had sex with any other man than you?

I mean, if you got tested say, around hooker#40, or 60, or even 79...you could still be infected.

PS I spent several years as a domestic voilence advocate and had the opportunity to work with several prostitutes. Something like 92% of girls entering prostitution have been victims of sexual abuse in their pre prostitution days. At that time the average age of entry into prostitution was 14. 14. It is a horrendous crime, IMO, that little girls who have lived traumatic lives end up being routinely victimized by men like you, at least until they get sick enough from their own STD or drug use to die, or get beat to death by some pimp. THAT, is how you are spending your money, my friend.

I have also done extensive research on the sex slave trade. How many of these 80 were in the trade business and servicing you against their will. More than you imagine I'm sure. Makes me sick, and I always wonder WHO are these disgusting MEN who care only about depositing their disgusting fluid and don't give a hoot that these girls are being treated less than dogs. Now I know.

Dude. I commend you for wanting to turn this around. But you have a LONG way to go to truly realize what kind of disgusting life you have been leading. All your comments about how you are a good looking party guy who gets a lot of attention, how you have banged all these attractive prom queens, just tell me that you think there is some glory in this. There's not. You go to church. There is good and there is evil in this world. The world of prostitution is the underbelly of evil, and that is what you have been a part of.

Did I say that Dr Harley wrote that in the article? No I didn't. I said very clearly that I have heard of this happening. You can dismiss this as anecdotal evidence if you like; it is not an important point and it is indeed only my experience, and I'm not expert.

You are picking on an extremely minor point that isn't the central issue here, in my view because you don't like being told that Dr Harley will not apply the "sex addict" label as easily as you do.

As for "all three of the items that Dr Harley mentions in the article", Dr Harley's article is about entering the MB programme of marital recovery and giving that some time, before we can see whether the "sex addict" spouse really is a sex addict. THAT is the central part of Dr Harley's article, and that is something that Jeff cannot have "said", since he hasn't even told his wife yet and can by no stretch of the imagination be said to be in an MB recovery programme.

Exactly!

A round of applause to you, unwritten.

Yet Dr Harley doesn't tell him to go to a 12 Step program, he tells him to use Marriage Builders and see if that solves the problem! Do you EVER recommend Marriage Builders around here?

And Jeff, by putting off this bad news you are under the illusion that you are somehow sparing her from pain but you are not. All you are doing is compounding the crime. It is one more day that you LIED and DECEIEVED her. The longer you wait, the more resentment there will be to overcome. And believe me, she will resent the hell out of this little trick you have played on her. Just expect that. Don't make this worse by lying to her about her own life for another day. There is NEVER a good time to tell someone bad news. Just tell her. The sooner the better.

None of that sounds like a compulsion in the way that an sex addict will behave. It does not sound like a compulsion at all; it sounds like an extremely rationalised way for a married man to go outside the marriage without getting caught. He could have had an affair like my husband and many married men on this forum did, and I'm sure that in the 3.5 years of my H's PA, he had sex with OW close to 80 times. However, Jeff cleverly rationalised that it was far too risky to do what my H did and build a relationship with a woman just to get extra-marital sex every other week, and indeed it was unnecessary; it made much more sense to skip drinks, dinner, flowers and phone calls with the risk that her boyfriend or some neighbour would find out and just pay for the sex from a stranger. It was the ultimate in rational strategies.

He allowed felt tempted and had opportunities and indulged in those, just like anybody does who decides to have an affair. It was fun and exciting, just as it is for someone having a traditional affair, and in his mind, because he wore a condom it was risk free (the silly, ignorant fool).

It was risk-free extra-marital sex over several years, just like my H had (but for much longer). It was something he wanted to do over and over because he enjoyed it, as does anyone who has extra-marital sex more than once. There is no sign of sex addiction in anything that Jeff has said in this post, and allowing him to indulge in his self-created label is just allowing him to get off the hook by claiming that he could not help himself.

He could and he can. He just didn't want to.

Jeff you have a choice tonight: Be honest with your wife or continue to lie.
What is your decision?

I have an idea....Jeff, why don't you let your wife read this forum right now? Neverguessed already gave you the option of printing up your confession that you posted on here. You need to let her read what not only you have posted but what others have as well.

Sigh... When my XWH finally told me it was trickle truth. When I asked him why he waited so long to tell me he gave me the same lame a$$ excuse you are giving. I told him then & I am telling you now. There is no good time, waiting only adds to the betrayal.

Good morning Jeff.
Another day. Will you be telling your wife the truth today or chose to continue to lie and commit adultery?

Ok I texted my wife yesterday in the morning to NOT make plans after work and that I needed to talk to her in person when she got off work at 6:30pm.. She came home and actaully brought me home a present that she bought me out of love.

Anyway I sat down with her AND TOLD HER EVERYTHING LAST NIGHT!! At first i started talking about what she did and then told her she needs to know what i did, imediatly she said "You cheated on me right??" i said yes and she said "I knew already" I said how? she said "I dont know, I just did".. I told her that there were about 80 hookers over the years and she was hurt but then after about 20 minutes she started getting angry.

She said she didnt really care about the whores as much because she was having sex with other men too, but she was pissed about the fact that I did not tell her in the beginning and the fact that I made her feel like a piece of sh*t by saying stuff like "YOU RUINED OUR MARRIAGE!!, AND ITS ALL YOUR FAULT!!, YOU ARE DISGUSTING!!" I did infact tell her stuff like that.. I guess at the time "in my mind" I didnt think about my messed up past, I considered my self the good husband and that my virgin wife had went to far..

I always knew i had a sex problem before I even met her, I had already been with 30 women by the time I was 20 yo and she knew that.. It hurt me more because i always thought I was the one with the problem and my PURE wife could never do anything like that to me.. I should have told her in the beggining when all this blew up, but the reason I didnt was because I was thinking about leaving her [censored]!! She banged 5 guys with out protection!! Why would I tell her my past when the marriage was over? Who cares! Well I was wrong, after going to counceling and group therapy things actually started getting better, also I didnt tell her right away because she was in contact with OM and a bunch more men on her phone. I didnt want to make it easy for her to say "oh you cheated too? ok this marriage is done" and go with OM.. I had to get her away from him and all her other men contacts, because if I told her my past she might not let me delete these contacts.. It worked out good, she deleted all her male friends, and all contact with OM and we sent OM a final text together saying "its over and never contact me again", the dust settled and she realized she wanted to be with me and only me.

At this point she had left her party life and became a true loving wife again like in the begging.. I HAD TO TELL HER!! And yes before the Holidays, that way it was not another Holiday that was spent together with a huge lie that was not told..

She went outside and got in her car and called her sister who is a councelor but for kids, she came back inside and we talked more, again she was more upset that I manipulated her that she was a piece of sh*t and that I was perfect...

AFTER AN HOUR OF TALKING, SHE FORGAVE ME.. WE WATCHED A MOVIE LAST NIGHT AND CUDDLED. AND THIS MORNING WE MADE LOVE.. I WAS WORRIED THAT THIS WOULD BE THE END TO OUR MARRIAGE BUT INSTEAD IT IS A HUGE WEIGHT OFF MY SHOULDERS AND I FEEL OUR MARRIAGE IS GOING TO GET BETTER... SHE ASKED ME TO SCHEDULE AN EXTRA DAY THIS WEEK WITH THE MARRIAGE COUNCELOR AND I DID. I THINK HE IS GOING TO NEED A LARGE BUCKET OF POPCORN WHEN HE HEARS THIS SH*T LOL..

Maybe I am not a sex addict, I kind of hope not.. but i was addicted to these whores.. Our councelor made a good point last week.. He said "If you like to eat candy but you know you are not supposed to eat for your health DO NOT GO DOWN THE CANDY ISLE AT THE STORE, GO AROUND IT" Think it is the same for us, think we just need to keep our selfs away from this enviroment, in other words dont put our selfs in the situation to cheat.. Oh man, feels great to get this off my chest, but yes we still have alot of work to do and things to learn..

Sir.
Please do not go to a marriage counselor.
They do not have plans to save marriages.

You NEED to follow the Recovery Plan in surviving an Affair book by Dr bill Harley.

I am proud of you for telling the truth

BTW i was not getting these whores all the time, early Aug is when I had my last affair. It was almost 2 months before I found out about my wifes affair.. We had just came home from a week in Hawaii and yes the sex we had in Hawaii was very limited and rushed.. When I got off the plane I was sexually frustrated and went astray to get my needs taken care of the next day.. I know it was selfish and wrong but the intimacy in our marriage and our marriage in general was on the rocks.. We need to find ways now to bring the spark back.

She did some pretty messed up things to me too. Like texting this guy all day on our wedding anniversary and all day everyday. She brought him in our house and took down our wedding picture and had sex with him in our living room, also in the back seat of her car that I bought her, and in my shower..

Also the big thing that hurts me the most is that we have been trying to have kids with and it has not been working.. She was telling me to go down and get my sperm checked in which I did. There was a few times that her cycle was irregular like she missed her period, I got so excited and went and bought her pregnancy tests from the store and she would go along with it..

I found out later she was on birth control for a year, the shot... I may have messed up with these whores but man, talk about being manipulated, that was just wrong to do to me... I wanted a family and so does she. Very hard to take..

Is this the book you reccomend?

http://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Aff...266196&sr=8-3&keywords=Dr+Harley

Yes

Just bought a used book in very good condition, for $5 including shipping.. I will check it out, its way more cheaper than these counceling sessions lol..

First off, you are acting like you are justified to wh*re around only because you didn't have good sex in your marriage? Are you kidding me? The reason you have a bad sex life is BECAUSE you wh*re around. Looking at porn and wh*ring around wrecks the enjoyment in marriage because it relegates the sex act to nothing more significant that 2 jack rabbits in heat getting it on. You are not making love, per se, you are just jacking off. Even a hog in heat can do that. You are not in the habit of making love because of your extramarital sexual proclivities.

But you have taken the most important first step in recovering your marriage. I would follow the program in the book, SAA. If you really follow it, you can save your marriage.

Good job! And you can also listen to the free radio show every day. It rebroadcasts the daily show for 24 hours until the next show. It is an invaluable free resource.

Free radio show? internet radio? how do we find it do you have a link?

never mind Melody, i just found it on your link lol

It's also in the red banner at the side of every page. The first red area is for the online course and the second is for the radio broadcasts.

Ok the tables have turned. After I told her everything last night (Sat)... Things were ok and this morning (sun) things were ok as well... she said she forgave me and we even made love.... We both messed up bad.. But sometime during her work shift earlier today she must have talked to her friends and Family or just thought about what I told her and all of a sudden she wont call me on her break. She texted me and said that she cannot believe what I did and that I made her feel like a piece of crap for 2 months..

I told her stuff like "god is watching her for being a sinner" and stuff like that.. wow I really was a hypocrite here.. Anyways she told me she needs time and wants to stay at her moms for a few days or so. She told me she would come by the house at 730 pm to pick up a few things with her mom and for me NOT to be there... I feel so much better for getting my secret off my chest, but now i fear the worst.. I could have been cuddling with her right now watching a movie.. The truth may have ended my marriage..But it was the right thing to do.. Its out of my control now, i just hope and pray that she will give "us" another chance.. She wants to meet me at 6pm on Wed with the marriage councellor. Maybe she has not wrote this marriage off yet, but who knows..

Im wondering that her mom and sisters are probably super pissed at me too for the gross fact that they were HOOKERS and how many i was with.. Also the fact that I played it off like a poor wounded husband that did no wrong.. I think the devil got in my head or something, this is not me, I used to be a good man, what the hell happened? I ask myself that all the time..

Its out of my control now...



Dude, if there is any statement that this website is dedicated to REFUTING, that's the one.

Stop the "oh, woe is me" crap, and start working.

You need to expose yourself to everyone, admit your failures as a spouse (and a human being) and ask their help in guaranteeing that you new devotion to your union will not falter.

You need to take the credit cards that enabled your multiple infidelities, cut them in half, and leave then for your wife to find.

You need to give her a list of your e-addresses, with all passwords. You need to start on a schedule, laying out where you'll be, and what you'll be doing, for each of the 168 hours of every week.

You need to pre-pack some of her stuff she's intending to retrieve, and surreptitiously put some apologetic notes within it.

You need to fully comprehend that the immediate future (couple months) will basically determine if she can look past your heinous behavior and try to work it out.

So knock off the self-indulgent teary letters, dude. You haven't the time to waste feeling sorry for yourself.

The truth is not what might end your marriage...the hiring of at least 80 hookers is. See the difference ?

You did the right thing by confessing to your wife. I salute you for that.

Excellent radio clip where Dr. H talks about what a WH should do for his wife to give him another try after his affairs. He explains it like an addict.

Radio Clip on a WH on what to do to get back with his wife 3:50 mark

Good clip, I guess there is not to many situations out there like ours where we both cheated. She lied and manipulated me and had sex with 5 men unprotected not even knowing what I was doing.. It is hard for me to kiss her [censored] and beg her to stay..
But I do love her more than anything still..

I went and told my family yesterday that i had cheated too and with multiple women, I also sent my wifes mom and sister a long message on Facebook apologizing for what i did and that i should have came clean in the beginning instead of acting like i was innocent to all of them, They have not responded.

I sent my wife a few texts this morning apologizing and wanting to work things out, she did not respond, i sent her a text asking if we could talk on the phone today and she replied with "YES".. But what she has to say could be bad news, i wont know till later..

I am open to giving her all my passwords and info as I have hers already, I really do not have anything to hide in my phone or accounts. The problem i had was driving on the freeway by the exit that had hookers everywhere. I was in and out of there in less than 15 minutes.. Thats why the number 80 is so high.. I still cant believe i had sex with that many women over a few years 2-3. But then I thought about it and you could do many things in only 15 minute intervals, like how many showers have you taken in the past 3 years? A ton!..

Something this easy, fun and cheap was what made it easy to reach that number and the fact that i drive by this exit everyday does not help.. From what I here this place is the only place like this for miles around, girls drive 2-3 hours to work here and it happens to be a few miles from my house. If it was an hour away I may have still had a hand full of affairs but not this many..

And im not making excuses or justifiying anything but just saying the ridiculous number of 80 over 3 years was not hard to reach because of access.. Wish I could move out of here with my wife and start fresh.. And thats another thing, i cant walk into a resturant/bar with her with out her knowing the bar tender and about 2 to 5 people sitting at it.. She knows everybody in this town.. And that is another reason why I choose hookers over girls at the bar, but how ever you look at it , it still was affairs...

Jeff, if she decides to stay with you, I would most definitely make plans to move. Living in an area where there are so many triggers will make recovery much harder. And having easy access to hoes will make it harder for you to resist the temptation. People who move away from the triggers have a much, much better recovery.

Jeff
I want you to know that a good friend of mine had sex with over 100 women.
He was a drug dealer and a very evil man.
While in a lockdown VA facility he received the Holy Bible and completely repented (ie changed his mind).

He later became a preacher.

So you are not alone in your deeds.
But there is always hope and I will pray for you

How cool is that! That is the amazing thing about God. Last night at church Father said "Do you know the difference between God and Man?"
God gives and forgives
Man gets and forgets
God is amazing, no matter what you do he will forgive you if you turn your life over to him.

Its funny that you mention God.. I have already been confessing and started taking my wife with me to a church session every tues called "Marriage Emergency" it is a great 2 hour session with about 15 other couples going through the same thing, it helps with all most all the troubles in marriage and the scripture is used with it..

It really opens your eyes to how selfish you could be and how far in sin you can go.. I am not a bible thumper now, but I can tell you the words in the bible have really spoke to me.. its almost scary how it has been happening. I prayed that my wife would come back to me and almost instantly i recieved a phone text from her "saying she still loves me but she wants to wait till wednesday to talk to our councellor together before she comes home".. I took that as if she wants to be with me but has to take a few days to be alone... it could be a step in the right direction..

I will go to the church marriage class by my self tomorrow.. They also offer a addiction recovery class with a 12 step program, its all free and only 2 minutes from my house. It is tonight!! I think i might go.. I want to change..

The Bible says that All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.
It also says that we live in spiritual darkness and that Jesus Christ is the Light of the World.
The truth is, I have commited as much adultery as anyone else. Not physically. But in my heart. And it is a constant battle, against temptation and desires of the flesh.

Saint Paul described himself as "chief among sinners" until he was saved by God.

I encourage you to use every resource available to resist sexual temptations. Finding other men to hold you accountable will help a lot.

I prayed that my wife would come back to me and almost instantly i recieved a phone text from her "saying she still loves me but she wants to wait till wednesday to talk to our councellor together before she comes home"

In the RC faith there are said to be four categories of prayer: Adoration, Contrition, Thanksgiving, and Supplication, in summary:
- Praising God for His being and presence
- Apologizing for committing sin
- Thanking God for a blessing, gift, or "miracle"
- Asking for something

Looks like number four might have paid off for you. Don't neglect the other three.

Pray to God but row for the shore.

What ACTIONS are you taking to protect yourself from yourself right now?

If you live in a town big enough to have a strip, you certainly live in a town big enough to find more than one way home.

What else are you doing to protect yourself TODAY (and tomorrow and the next day) from the next 15 minute troll?

Whether your W decides to stay married to you or not, you need to get yourself in control.

A good show where both Husband and wife had affairs.
Radio clip of a WW and WH
Segment #2
Segment #3

I have no desire to "troll", my heart is crushed and it has always ate me up inside of what i was doing, but now that it is out its a true awaking.. I am humiliated and broken because of it from the reaction of others like her and her family. And I would never want to cause any of this pain to myself or anyone else in my life. If things work out, I guess it would be smart to seek help additionally to make sure I can deal with temptation down the road.. But as of now my focus is on getting my wife back...

What did you do last night?

This is a dangerous, dangerous mindset. You clearly have moments of weakness (and complete and utter insanity) when you have had over 80+ affairs with hookers on the street.

You cannot believe for a moment that a switch flipped and overnight that has changed.

Did you ever 'want' to troll? Were you ever happy or proud of yourself for doing it? Of course not, if you were you would announce it to the world. You don't announce it because you are ashamed of it, and you should be. But, you still did it. Which means even now, you could still do it.

You need to NOT think you can control your own behavior. Dr Harley says that all of us are wired for affairs, which is why we need to create a lifestyle that does not support them. NOBODY should rely on sheer willpower, because at some point, that will fail us. In the same manner that a 500lb binge eater should not fill their fridge full of junk food and rely on willpower to avoid it, YOU should not drive by a strip of hookers every day and rely on willpower to avoid stopping in for a quickie.

The first thing that needs to happen is that you need to understand you have a major problem here, and work to create a lifestyle that does not allow it.

I am worried that my wife wants to talk about seperation when we go to councelling on Wed. Before she found out about my past there were a few times where we talked and she said she wanted to seperate and take time to see what she wants, I told her I did not want to seperate because it would only pull us farther apart and I did not want that.

I told her I would be paceing and pondering around the house when we were seperated going crazy not knowing what was going to happen with our marriage or where she was, who she was with and what she was doing.. I told her straight up I DO NOT WANT TO SEPERATE, and if she did that we should get a divorce.. She decided to stay.. she had told me she wanted to feel what it was like to be on her own as she never has, she said she feels like she has matured and is less dependant on me because she finally got her new carreer, this was about 3-4 weeks ago when we had this discussion. Im worried that my past coming up will push the issue of seperation even more but I kind of feel the same way about no seperation.. But maybe a short seperation would be ok since I did drop the ball on her just Sat night..

Jeff I know we have been approaching this from an angle of YOU being the adulterer. But your wife is also, so lets look at it from that angle too.

When was your wife's last A? Has she gone No Contact with her AP's? When a woman wants to seperate and have space to figure things out, it generally means they want to have time to carrying on an A without you there. Although this situation is kindof hairy because of all of YOUR affairs that she has just found out about.

Have you been advised to read SAA and have you done so? Have you introduced your wife to the Marriage Builders concepts? Based on the incredible amount of infidelity between the two of you, your marriage really has NO SHOT unless you read SAA and follow the plan outlined for recovery to a T.

I am confused, last night my wife texted me and asked if i wanted to go watch the football game with her and our friends at a sports pub. I said yes and met her down there, there was 8 of us, we all had dinner and drinks.. I sat next to her at the bar and we shared dinner, her girl friend was sitting on the other side of her at the bar and they were talking. I over heard my wife telling her friend that she wanted to start putting up all the xmas decorations this weekend because she had not done it the last few years, it made me smile.

Im confused, one minute she wants to seperate and the next she wants to put up decorations. Her mom had texted me and asked if i could bring hangers for her for her cloths that she took to her moms. I said that i had already left the house which i did. So I went and bought her about 30 hangers for her cloths and I also bought her a cheap matching set of earings and neclace and gave it to her with the hangers. She had a big smile and said thank you.. I gave her a hug and went to give her a quick kiss on the lips and she turned her head so that I would kiss her cheek only, She said I will text you when I get to my moms, bye..

She texted me about 20 minutes later and said "i made it to my moms"... Then i texted back " I made it home too" Then I sent one more that said "Goodnight...I love you" she replied with "Goodnight" and thats it.. I have been up all night thinking about that.. What if she has lost the love for me? It sucks!! But earlier yesterday in the day before she asked me to go to the football game she sent me a text that said "I would like to see the councelor on wed before i come home... I do love you"... Im just very confused, hurt, disgusted with myself and her.. I dont wish this upon anybody. I hope my prayers get answeed and I hope god gives us the strength, knowledge and love to repair this broken marriage...

Jeff you are waffling around without a Plan. You need to start following a PLAN.

Jeff, I'm no vet, and I'm still in the process of recovering my marriage. But I will say that this whole process is a roller coaster. The "I want to stay married" and then the "I want a divorce" have been a normal part of our recovery in the beginning.

You have both betrayed and been betrayed. Dr. Harley says that recovery is measured in years, not days or weeks or months.

God can give strength, knowledge and love, but He gives you arms and legs for action.

Here is an email from my mother inlaw. This is where my wife is staying and im sure my wife is telling her, her true feelings, it is a reply email from after I sent an apology, does it sound like she told her mom she may want a divorce?..




Jeff, I just now got a chance to read and respond to your message�Please know that this is yet another unexpected turn of events that none of us saw coming and it is very hard (just as it was when we heard about Beth) to take in. As I have told you before I am here for you to listen, perhaps give some advise now and then, and to support both you and Beth in whatever your choices may be.

In light of what has just come up it does concern me the way you handled the situation with Beth. Yes, what she did was wrong but �playing� the be honest card with her and instilling in her to be truthful in the name of God was very wrong on your part. It is very evident that you two have deeper rooted issues that unfortunately married couple sometimes deal with that have been going on for quite some time now. All of these issues need to be addressed. You asked in your message for me to put in a good word for you and unfortunately there is not a darn thing good about this situation. I do not have any �good� words to say about what either of you have done, however, I know bottom line it is something you will have to fix together if you guys want to salvage this marriage.

I know Beth has asked you to give her space and you guys can address it on Wednesday in counseling, and honestly I think that is a good move. You both are on an emotional roller coaster right now and if you keep trying to get her to talk by calling/texting I feel you are only going to push her away. This is an opportunity for the both of you to have time apart (even if its hard), and regroup for counseling.

I hear you that you said you didn�t want to tell her this earlier because you were afraid she�d leave with the other guy, but really if this has been going on for a couple years now you had more than enough time to come clean about this. You said in your message for a couple month you haven�t been able to sleep. Why is it now just hitting your conscience? One would think it would have been weighing heavily on you for yrs now.

You have to stop and look at it from Beth�s perspective: You drug her name through the mud because of her mistakes and made her feel like such a low down slut when in fact you were the one sleeping with sluts. Sorry if my words come across harsh, but what else can I call them? Imagine the humiliation that a wife must feel that her husband wants a whore over her, and that it was not even just a onetime occurrence. She felt bad enough about herself before and now this is added to the pile.

Bottom line Is that you both have made mistakes. Now is the time for you both to really evaluate what your next steps are going to be and to see what you both want to do. If you guys decide to work it out and fight for this marriage that is your choice, however, know it is not always that easy and one of you may decide that they don�t want this anymore. You have to now respect each other�s choices and know that both of you are deeply hurt

I have no doubt that your wife deeply resents your hypocrisy. I know I would. You have much more to atone for than just affairs. There are lies and very flagrant hypocrisy.

And who knows how this will shake out. I have no doubt that your wife is in deep shock. I would give her some time.

I found out and was contacted by the girlfriend of the OM on Sept 23. That same day they had sex.. My last affair was Aug 14.. We sent a text message together to the OM saying never contact me again. I also left him a crazy voice mail on his phone that basically said his days are numbered and that I was going hunt him down. I called and left messages to all these late night phone numbers that were on her phone bill.

I ordered the SAA book yesterday from amazon, it says it has shipped.

I really hope you are wrong about her wanting to continue cheating if we seperate..

I think your mother in law seems very fair.

However you need to change your behavior.
You need to stop having sex with prostitutes, stop porn and any other sex outside of marriage.
Others have asked you, and you haven't answered. What is your plan to stop this behavior?

Regarding your marriage, I think you should read about plan A. And follow it.

You need to improve yourself and become more attractive to your wife. And that is done through actions.

Did you go to the group meeting last night?
Are you going tonight?
I encourage you to reach out to a reputable man at the church and ask him to help hold you accountable.
How does he hold you accountable? Maybe you install a software on all of your computers so he knows if you go to Craigslist or other hookup websites.
Maybe you put a gps unit on your car.

Maybe you voluntarily submit to polygraph tests every 3 months.

I dont have a plan yet. I need one... My wife has mentioned that we should both start going to the gym more.. She has had a weight issue go up and down over the years, she is very attractive she just gains weight and takes it off... I on the other hand have stayed the same weight all these years but it is still about 30-40 over weight according to the doc.. I am 6'1" 215lbs

I did not go last night because i was with my wife, but tonight i will go to the marriage couples meeting by myself, i will ask her if she will go with me but, we will see..

Its hard to ask someone at church to watch my sex habits, i barley know anyone there yet as we have only been going for like 3 weeks.. good ide about the gps..

I'm not referring to a plan for exercise.
I'm referring to a plan to control yourself and eliminate what enables you to have sex with prostitutes.

It may be hard or embarrassing to ask for help at the church but if they have these group meetings I have no doubt they will help hold you accountable.

Co-ed gyms are a horrible idea....way too much temptation. You would do better to focus your exercise efforts on walking with your wife, or if you must go to a gym, go to a same-sex only gym.

STAY AWAY FROM CO-ED GYMS, JEFF !!!

Really right now im not interested in having sex with anybody but my wife.. There might be temptation down the road and I will deal with that soon once I get my wife back. Our marriage is on the verge of divorce right now and i need advice on how to handle this and save it, if possible..

I cannot make her love me. But I know last week she loved me alot until after i told her about my past, can you not love somebody from the flip of a switch because of something they did? I would think falling out of love would happen over time. But she has not told me that she does not love me anymore.. i am just wondering what is going to happen tomorrow at 6pm when we meet up and see the councelor..

Why wont she talk to me until the councellor? Has anyone heard of a spouse wanting to meet with a councellor so they could ask for divorce in front of there spouse? I dout that is going to happen but my head is spinning.

She may just want me to tell the councellor my messed up story so he wont think she is the bad one and then she might come home with me.. OR she might want to seperate and ask him his thoughts in hopes that he would recommend seperation. I do not want to seperate!! 2 of my friends have had sex with 2 different seperated women and they brag about how she was unhappy in her marriage and how they came along and took care of her needs..

That just makes me sick ( I know that sounds funny coming from me and my past lol), but she is still the love of my life even though we both did wrong.. The longest time we have been apart in 12 years is only 6 days.. seperation would crush me.. i dont want it!..


I went to the gym today for the first time in a while, yes a coed gym that my wife pays a couples price for each month. I tagged my self at the gym on facebook and my wife clicked the "like button" and "liked" my post.. She has not "liked" any of my other posts even the picture i posted of us at her high school prom..

I also wonder if she met men at this gym when she was cheating, she used to leave at 4:30 am sometimes in her gym clothes and said she wanted to work out with a girl friend before work. Either she was hooking up with some guy early in the morning or she was on this supermodel work out schedule for OM or O men to get in tip top shape..

My wife is smoking hot, bleach blond, tan, 5'6" 140lbs with nice curves, makes me wonder why I banged all these whores, maybe because our intimacy was horrible or could be that i am an addict. She was getting her needs elsewhere and there was nothing left in bedroom, so then I continued my whoreing around, it was a cycle.. Geez what a messed up marriage. Besides my problem I had no idea this marriage was this bad and spiraling out of control.. Thought maybe I could get help and fix my problem but come to find out there a many other deep rooted issues that I have no ides how to find and fix..

My thought is you need to do something about it right now! If your commitment to not have sex outside of marriage is contingent on how you feel about your situation rather than on the boundaries you put in place and prove, you're dangerous to her or any woman for that matter. In other words, for her as well as you, boundaries effective against infidelity should be in place FIRST before you even try the rest of the recovery process.

I agree.
You can't say that you will deal with it down the road. Because your behavior shows that you can't.
You need help in eliminating what enables you to have sex with prostitutes. I've previously suggested you reach out to a reputable man in church and ask him to help hold you accountable.
Did you go to the marriage class last night? Did you ask for suggestions on how you can stop your whoremongering?

Regarding waiting for counseling, yes I think many people like to speak with a third party because it is a "safe" place. In fact I used a counseling session as my opportunity to demand my wayward wife end her Affair.

You keep focusing on your wife and you need to focus on yourself.
What is your plan for ending this destructive behavior?

Holy crap. So putting boundaries in place to protect your marriage is not interesting to you? Like lifetimelearner pointed out, your feelings mean nothing. Feelings come and go and change with the wind.

If you want to save your marriage, you had better come prepared with a plan to change up your life so you don't cheat again. Otherwise you are NOT SAFE. Since it is so easy for you to hook up with hoes there, I would have a plan in hand to move with her.

Dear Wife,

I have a plan to protect you and our marriage. I have been thinking about the conditions and opportunities that made it possible for me to have sex with 80 prostitutes.

I want to eliminate the temptation of being around other women. I have cancelled my gym membership for starters.

I have cancelled my Facebook account. I don't want to communicate with other women, so I am doing something to cut off that temptation.

I have changed my driving route every day because I do not want to be anywhere near the corners where I picked up 80 prostitutes and did despicable deeds. I will set no vile thing before my eyes, and I would rather drive 10 miles out of the way than be anywhere near temptation.

Here is my cellphone and passwords to my computer. I want to make my life an open book.

(these are just a few things for starters, Jeff.) The list goes on and on but these changes focus on changing your life so you have boundaries.

Nice letter! And I would also offer to place a GPS unit on your car that only she has access to.

Listen i will not cheat on her. I went 9 years with out cheating before, this is waaaaaaaaay to much pain and destruction going on right now.. I am also going easy on the word Sex Addict right now as one of the posts says not to use it unless it has be diagnosed or whatever.. I did tell her I will avoid that place and go around it and set up a plan, also seek help just to be safe i told her.

I literally have hours before my marriage could be done at councelling. I have been up all night dealing with this.. I ask her if she still loves me and she said she loves me but she doesnt know if she is (in love with me).. I was crushed.. I thought she would come home tonight with me but now she wants to stay at her moms for Thanksgiving and stay in town all week till sunday at her moms..

We usaully drive a hour to see my folks and stay a few days, she told me it is best to go to my folks house by myself. And she needs time and I asked her how long and she said she is not sure.. I am starting to really worry.. She also told me "Im not sure what the future will bring us but I will see u at counceling tonight at 6"...

Also she met OM and other men at the local bar scene when she was cheating.. She has been away from me since Sunday and last night her friend posted a picture of her on facebook out at the bar having drinks. She had metioned that she wanted to seperate before to se what it was like to be on her own, now i hope she is not using my past to run wild and party everynight at the bars.. This is why i need a plan to lay down when we go see councelling today

Jeff, your word that you won't cheat is absolutely meaningless though. Same as her if she were to say the same thing - you both said vows, right?? Actions, not words, are what matters here. Peope can blah blah blah all they want, it's cheap talk and doesn't mean a thing if it is not backed up with actions - which sets MB apart from traditional counseling.

Are you interested in using MB principles?

Talk is cheap. What matters in recovery are ACTIONS. Saying you didn't cheat for 9 years before is meaningless because it didn't stop you in the past and it wont' stop you in the present.

If you want to have a recovered marriage then start arranging your life so that temptations are eliminated to the best of your ability. Not going to the gym is a no brainer. A lot of affairs start there so is no need to go there. Go out and buy some dumbbells, barbells and get the PX90 workout CDs and you can work out at home.

I would hand her the plan for recovery after an affair tonight at your session. This plan will restore the romantic love in your marriage and protect you from future affairs. So when she says she doesn't love you anymore, tell you know this and have a plan to fall in love again. Here is a good link, but you could go to the bookstore and see if they sell Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley and take that book with you. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

Yes,,,, but im just saying i need advice for today so when I go to councelling i have a plan to keep her around today, if i come at her with "Im a sex addict" shes probably leave cause of that. maybe i could take a different approach with her but still seek the steps needed away from her..

Nows shes texting me that she is thinking about seeking her own councelor, on top of ours... and she said she needs to find "ME" so that if we stick it out she can be the best for me.. are her words..

She sounds like she is floundering around in the pain caused by your affairs and is lost as to what to do. That's why you need to listen to ML and get the book and present it as a plan to rescue your marriage and your love for one another. I don't mean being pushy about it, just confident and that you're committed to following the plan and have already started.

What is ML? is that the same as the SAA book i ordered?

Will this book work if we are seperated?

Follow these veterans lead plus BREATH. Clear yur head. You and your wife have been living in a vat of infectious goo; your still dripping the stuff and its hard to grasp that the advice is being given to you.

1. Examine your life with honesty. Get out a piece of paper. Draw a line vertically down the middle. On the left side make a list of factors that helped you get where you are now. Don't worry about your wife and her factors.
2. On the right side: Beside each left sided factor, you write how you are going to avoid this factor or temptation in the future.
3. Bring this list to appointment and promote your plan. Then actually follow through.
4. Also today, purchase Dr Harleys book "Surviving an affair" Bring this along to appointment and show your wife you are going to get support and guidance.
5. Schedule an appointment with one of the MB coaches.
6. Listen to the MB radio everyday.
7. Come here and educate yourself.

Doing these things are much better then panicing and freezing and not bringing in anything to the meeting. Whatever your wife is going to put you through now and in the future, you will have a much better outcome if you can center yourself in the MB principles.

MelodyLane!The one who's been booting you up the backside all week!

oh lol

uhhh hello??? did you read my post?? I gave you the plan. And I agree you shouldn't play the sex addict card. That won't get you too far.

Did you read my post?

Hello did you read my post lol j/k. I already bought a SAA book online it should be here in a few days. Wish I had it tonight.. I never have met a girl at the gym, in fact I dont really meet women other that the hookers.. I didnt want to start a relationship so i avoided them even when they would talk to me.. I wont use the sex addict card tonight..

If you have friends that are sleeping with married women and bragging to you about it you need new friends

Ok so we met at counceling last night and I told the councelor the new news about my past, he was alittle shocked lol.. And we talked about my affairs. My wife was crying and mad. She said she was mad about how many hookers it was total and the fact that I started doing this like a year before her affairs..

She was very upset about how I manipulated her, she called me a master manipulator and she never has seen me act like that ever and I really havent.. I guess I was just so shocked about the guys she was with that i did not even think about my past, I was playing the hurt puppy card to all her friends and family and kind of bashing her. I went about it all wrong and because of that im sure the support from her family to her is not the best for me.

I actually was extremely hurt when i found out about her affairs and I needed people to talk to and i am more close with her fam about issues, than mine so i talked to her fam more.. I couldnt be like " its ok i dont mind" but at the same time I wanted to be concerned which i was. The councelor ask her where she was in this marriage and she said 50/50. We hugged by the car and she left to spend time with her fam and i left to spend time with mine.. I have been taking this extremely hard because I still want to work this out but she is on the fence.. She said she needs time.. What pisses me off is she has been going out and partying at the same bars where she was meeting these guys or atleast where she would have girls night and all that. She says she needs girl time and she will not cheat on me..

To me this is not (taking time to find herself) this is freedom to party.. She says she just has a different way of coping. So going out with her girl friend to the bars is how she copes, me on the other hand feel like i want to crawl in a hole and away from the world and grieve. She has went out 2 nights in a row.

She swears to me that she will NEVER cheat on me again while we are still married even if we are seperated because there was just too much pain , I guess I beleive her but i really cant say much like "get home and stop going out to the bars" because i had affairs too.. i asked her "what status are we now?, Are we seperated?" She said she doesnt know what we are right now..

I told her to take time to heel and figure out what she wants to do but I do not want to be seperated!. I am really taking this hard and have been breaking down like a little school girl for the past 5 days. I am alomost getting sick of being apart and not knowing whats going to happen.. Its almost like i want to give her a choice...come back home and lets work on this or divorce...I cant stand this pondering while she goes out and partys.. This is hard for me because this is our first thanksgiving apart in 12 years.

Sir.
I am sorry that you are missing her this thanksgiving.

Did you present her with a plan to be accountable during the counseling session?

Did you apologize to her?

Yes I did.. I presented a plan on a piece of paper to her and the councelor, i got the idea off one of these posts you guys left.. I put the tempatations and problems on one side and the plan or fixes on the other.. Like taking a different route around the hooker exit, and putting gps on my car that only she can see.. They kind of looked at it and were like "ok" but it didnt make a huge impact on anything, or there reaction.. I have appologized to her many times.. I miss her alot..

If she will not agree at this point to your accountability measures then I suggest you ask the church for assistance. Ask the pastor or an elder to help hold you accountable.
You need to do this.

She is not as concerned with my accountabilty at this point, she is on the fence whether she wants to stay married or not, or i guess whether she even wants to try to work this out.. If she does then at that point she will probably want a plan from me...

But you need to change your behaviors irregardless of what she does

definatley... But im on this website to save my marriage.. Once shes gone i will be single and wont have to bang hookers, I will just date a bunch of women. I only went with hookers cause i didnt want to become emotionally attached to them.. I dont have a problem getting regular women, i just chose not to date them cause im married and my wife knows everybody lol.. But i am here to save my marriage, I dont want any other women but my wife right now, but yeah i will get help for a sex addiction asap.. If my wife would allow sex like every other day i would be cured and "taken care of" but this 2 week wait thing was hard to deal with, i went elsewhere.... Number 1 goal.. get me wife onboard to work on our marriage..

I think you are a very selfish man.
You refuse to change your behaviors.
You are a selfish perverted man that foolishly takes pride in your wicked ways.

Your self destructive behavior WILL result in the death of your marriage and other natural consequences.
Maybe when you finally hit rock bottom you will desire to change.
Maybe you never will.

I am bothered each time you post about telling your whoring story ie recent counseling session---you place a "lol" comment. Aren't you ashamed? Do you enjoy the shock value?

MB program is a marriage makeover at its core has the capacity to transforms the individuals selfishness and pride to become a stellar marriage partner.

I'm affraid you cannot simply want and hope to get your wife back. Today is the day you set your will and even tell yourself you are a buyer, not a renter or freeloader--a buyer from this day forward. If you wait to make this transformation even one more day, say for your wife to show some signs of hope for YOU, your odds diminish. Thats the way it works. Begin educating yourself about what it means to be a buyer and be a buyer. There are plenty of resources available. If you have a eReader yu can download this weekend.

What happens if she becomes ill and incapacitated? You act like sex is a "NEED" akin to air or water. Do you not have any self control?

If she were here, instead of you, I think the vast majority of the advice to her would be, "Play the 'D card'; he's not suitable husband material."

Dude, right or wrong, in her mind your heinous actions have just about released her from her vows. Let's be real: Unless she's an alcoholic or revealing long-suppressed lesbian tendencies, the reason for her excursions with her (unmarried?) GFs is to prowl, to see if anything out there interests her, and if she can incite any male interest in herself.

Your problem is that you have basically destroyed every element that could have existed to attract her back to your marriage. Your whoring around demonstrated contempt for your MARRIAGE, and your sanctimonious condemning of her following her infidelity demonstrated contempt for HER.

She is likely weighing her options about what life she wants going forward: either back with you as known quantity; becoming single and a free agent; or maybe immediately hooking up with a new partner.

Your (slight, pale) hope is to rebuild yourself with all possible speed, and clearly demonstrate to her that the J1979 she knew before is gone, and the new J1979-v2 is incredibly much better. This "ideal" is so much easier to pronounce than to support with concrete recommendations as to how to progress, however.

You're crashing into the reality of what you've done. You think that somehow it's okay for you to have tons of sex on the side but are somehow horrified when your wife does it?

You have very little respect for women.

From the moment you started posting with all your LOLS (really? are you laughing out loud?) I've been tempted to get on your thread and share with you that this is INSANE.

You didn't even notice your wife was off sleeping around? You are tuned out, selfish and demanding. I'm pretty sure your marriage is toast but it's not too late for you.

You have a lot of work to do. Your story is disgusting. Your behavior and attitude is DISGUSTING.

Assuming you are a woman, you predicted her reaction to a tee. Except for the divorce papers, they have not arrived yet.. we have been seperated for a week now.. she feels more manipulated than ever before and she is worried that I might do this again to her. She told me the deadly words a few days ago in a text message.. I ask her why she has not said she loves me and if she still loves me.. She said "I love you but I am not sure if I am in love with you" after looking up that term on the internet it pops up everywhere and its definition means " she is leaving me and wants out of the relationship and may be having an affair still"...

I spoke with her today in text and she said "I think i was furious when i texted that" but she never did say she meant it and she still does not say "I love you when i text her goodnight i love you, if im lucky she will respond with just goodnight.. I ask her if she would like to have dinner together some time soon and she said "yes... how about this sunday evening" and I said yes that will work. She also said that she is thinking about moving back home soon and maybe we could sleep in different bedrooms...

I have been out of town for the holidays and she went to our house earlier today and started cleaning house, she adopted a new kitten that i had found during the week she was gone it just showed up on our porch so i gave it some cat food and it wont go away.. she says she likes the kitten and wants to adopt him, she brought him in our house and gave him a litter box and food and ask if i could go down and get him shots and have him checked out, she also asked if I could clean out our laundry room so she could get access to the closets for storage, she said that would make her happy if i did that.Sounds like she is making very small progress but progress to come back in my life, but i could be wrong, I asked her to let me know what she wanted for xmas cause i went shopping today and she texted me a few things that she wanted.

I sent her flowers at her moms house today and she liked them.. But she is still very pissed off and still pondering if she wants to be with me and I can understand why. But i hope it gets better and that she really didnt mean what she said about not being in love with me.. I will talk with her on Sun, meanwhile my SAA book should be arriving any day and I might need help getting started on it.. I want to rebuild and save my marriage!! And also become free of sex addiction by getting help..

I WANT TO CHANGE MY LIFE AND BEHAVIOR AND SAVE MY MARRIAGE. I MAY HAVE THE SLIGHTEST CHANCE TO STAY WITH HER AND I DONT WANT TO MESS IT UP. I AM STILL IN SHOCK FROM ALL OF THIS GOING DOWN THAT I HAVE CREATED.., IM NOT SURE HOW TO HANDLE THINGS. I AM EXTREMELY ASHAMED OF MY ACTIONS AND NEVER WANT TO DO THEM AGAIN..

IF IT WAS YOU, WHAT ACTIONS WOULD YOU TAKE AT WARP SPEED TO REBUILD YOURSELF, CONFINE AND DISTINGUISH YOUR PROBLEM AND FIX YOUR MARRIAGE? HOW CAN PROVE TO HER THAT SHE SHOULD STAY MARRIED TO ME AND THAT I AM A GOOD WORTHY HUSBAND? I AM WILLING TO DO WHAT EVER IT TAKES... IT IS APPARENT THAT I AM MISSING THE BIG PICTURE HERE AND THATS WHY I AM ON HERE.. THE PROBLEM IS ME!! I NEED HELP ASAP.. I HAVE DINNER WITH HER ON SUNDAY.. I WANT TO COME IN WITH A PLAN AND FOLLOW THROUGH ON IT.. AND BELIEVE IT OR NOT I DO RESPECT WOMEN...

You have already identified the salient problem to be dealt with - your Sex Addiction. You will be helped if you keep a diary to show BW someday of your efforts, so get a spiral notebook and start recording you progress

Google "Sex Addiction Treatment (Your State)" for a start. Call/email the one that seems most available to you. You can do that today.

I know you've got Surviving an Affair coming. You're probably going to need the yin/yang of His Needs/ Her Needs, and Love Busters as well. You can order both today.

You want to present her tomorrow night with evidence of actions, not words, reflecting your commitment to remaking yourself.

If it was me, I would seek help through a 12 step program.
They are free, anonymous, effective and everywhere

...help through a 12 step program......which, by the way, popped up often as I "googled" various state resources!

Have you been "diagnosed" with sex addiction or are you using that term to try and justify that you feel entitled to sex every other day? I have a very hard time believing a "sex addict" can "cure" their problem if only their wife would give in to their demands.

You have basically threatened that she must have sex with you every other day or else you will go elsewhere. 2 weeks? Really? I hope you and your wife do not have children, are you going to have sex with other women while waiting for her 6 week recovery? Are you suggesting that ANY woman you are with, whether that's your wife or a future wife should this lead to divorce, must be willing to perform with you not out of LOVE but out of fear that you will go back to prostitutes?

Sir, you are not healthy for ANY woman right now, even your wife (and no, I am not excusing her actions either, but she's not here for me to post to). You are not someone who is ready for a monogamous marriage.

Thank you for the advice.. I really do want to change, in earlier posts it was said to maybe withdrawl the term "sex addict" to my wife, but still get the help i need? And make progress, do you think if i show her that i started attending a sex addiction treatment program that she will be even more distant? I am just wondering how she will take this, but bottom line i will do what it takes to change "me".. It has been 4 months since i "used" or been with another woman, i would like to make that 40 years..

I think you should focus on your behavior right now instead of how your wife will respond to it.

If you need expert advice email Dr Harley and he will give you advice at no charge. He is a national expert

I was delireous when i posted this, and have been getting close to 0 sleep.. I dont think I would be "cured" if i had sex with my wife every other day i am not sure why i said that.. I need help... We do not have kids. I want to be by herside and grow old with her and not go outside the marriage for my needs, i have to learn to controll them and stop being selfish..

My church has a 12 step recovery program, that im looking into.. its for all sorts of addiction.

Possible action steps for today....


email the MB coaching center today or call them on Monday AM and schedule an appointment with a coach. Helping people such as yourself is their specific life work.

search on this site "extraordinary precautions" and continue to build your list that will help you now and in the future.

Do not simply play with the idea of joining the church 12 step program---do it today. You can likely attend a meeting before your dinner date with your wife Sunday. Ya gotta fully own this destructive side of yourself and place solid barriers between "the problem" and those you care about including your better self. That's your job. There will be the "lol" side of yourself that will try to delude you everyday for the rest of your life. I know people with serious problems with careless behaviour that have redeemed themselves but they only did so by not giving up a few things but by completely changing their lifestyle.

Sign up for the MB radio archives and you can listen to Dr Harley counsel folks with destructive habits counter to their marriages. You will likely see yourself in these programs and learn a lot. You can do the same thing from reading the articles and forum here right now. Especially since you can't sleep, bath yourself in this stuff.

You were likely the leader in your marriage down this nightmare path. Take the lead now towards redemption. Don't argue with your wife and play tit for tat. Again take the lead out of this nightmare. Be not so concerned with the pain from her "I love you but I'm not in love statement." Let it be and focus on the new habits YOU are developing.

As painful as its become, understand all that is happenig to you is grace working in your life. Yes its a very tight and uncomfortable space you are being squeezed through but if you can stop focusing on your own impulses and reactiveness to your own hurt you will be able to mobilize and find a new joy in your life.

Pile on the MB materials ie books, workbooks and cD's to listen too. Utilize their forms. Get organized with the materials. Sign up for their program. You will get the structure you need.

Thank you, i need a stern plan like that, and grace is working, slowly but surely, it is unbeleivably tough.. The 12 step class is on monday night, i will be there.. Also about all the extra coaching on this site, and materials.. Are all these resources fairly expensive? The reason i ask is money is alittle tight right now to top it off..

I look back about 2 years ago when i started messing up.. I remember taking my wife by the hand and going to different churches in the area to see if we could find one we like, i was doing it then because i wanted to stop what i was doing to myself and my wife and family.. We did not end up finding a church and we went about our lifes the way they were and I FAILED as a husband to change and get us into to church and change my ways.

In turn it all spriraled out of control and she became unhappy and started having affairs, and when she started having affairs the whole loving vibe in the marriage was lost, she would go out with her girlfriends 3 nights a week and ditch me and in return I would continue persuing these whores maybe as a way to get even, we were both competeing back in forth with sin.

I really need people to help me through this, i am hoping the people at church will take me in.. I have only been going to this churches marriage class for a few weeks now, i have not actually went to a real service yet.. I want to be a good man, i really do..

I have been praying every night for god to give me strength to change my ways and for him to help save my crippled marriage.. This morning my wife and I have been texting back and forth, she has decided to come either today or tomorrow morning to help me clean the house and set up xmas decorations together and decorate the xmas tree together, we have been laughing and joking all morning about funny names to name our new kitten she odopted.. By the grace of god, I may have a chance with her again, a small chance but a chance.. I CANNOT MESS THIS UP!!

Please read the Bible every day and read the Devotionals in the prayer forum

Jeff, have you done this?

Did you do this? Did you write to Dr Harley or call into the radio show?

Did you do this? Did you clean up your friends list to exclude those that encourage and support a wayward lifestyle?

Have you done this? Listened to the radio program every day to learn about MB and how to recover your marriage from infidelity? PS It's FREE.

Have you done these things? NeverGuessed gave you nice list here to check off.

Did you do any of these things?

Have you implemented any of these great ideas from FindingFreedom?

There are many more 'action steps' posted in the last 15 pages. I am trying to make a point here Jeff, that you keep coming on asking for HELP and yet are ignoring most of the suggestions people are giving you.

You have had 80 affairs. Eight. Zero. That is akin to about probably 50-60 of the last posts on here. If you want to salvage this you will have to act on 110% of the program 110% of the time, without a toe out of line.

Yet you seem to want some easy fix to get your wife to just not leave you. Not gonna happen. You are like a morbidly obese person who is being told to exercise and eat right, being given longterm health goals and exercise and diet plans, who keeps asking for a quick PILL because they have a wedding to go to on Saturday. There's no quick fix here, only hard work for LIFETIME.

I have not been ignoring suggestions, i welcome them..


1. Yes we both got checked for stds and hiv, and we are clean.. there has been no partners after the testing.

2.I have not yet wrote Dr H, still catching up to all these posts

3.I have came clean to everybody, fam and friends about what I have done, and have given appologies and some actions i will take like the 12 step... I have not used credit cards for any of my actions. My wife can have all my passwords and access i never really kept in contact with any of the women we just met that night and that was it.. I have left her appology notes in the house..

4. I have not reached out to a man at church yet, because i wasnt sure who to talk to and did not know anybody there, on monday in the 12 step i might meet some new people and have them hold me accountable for my internet use which was still limited but yes i did vist craigslist a while back..

5. I really did not communicate with women on facebook or in person as i did not want a relationship, my main concern is making sure I never take the freeway exit to where the prostitutes work.. which I sit here and think about that, and i dont even have an urge for it after 4 months.. maybe from all the pain i have went through...

I have told my wife that I will go out of my way to go around that freeway exit, and if she wants i will install a GPS unit on my car that only she can see, and come to think of it, it wouldnt be a bad idea to install a gps unit on her car as well As she used to make pit stops on the way home from the bar..

I realize there is not an easy fix to this, i am willing to put in the hard work..

Jeff--

Make sure to go back and test in 3 months for HIV. It is hard to detect for a few months after infection and depending on how recently you were with a hooker, you might have it and not know it.

I got tested 2 1/2 months after I was with a whore and It was always carefully protected. I am worried about my wife being with 5 men unprotected. Maybe I should go back for the heck of it and test again..

Both of you should be tested even at least 6 months after the last contact.

HPV has a long dormant period and can show up 2 years later. Unfortunately there is no blood test for that. It will just show up.

How do you even test for HPV then?

/tj

Unfortunately, when you get an outbreak and then it will show up. They haven't developed one yet.

So she came home today for the first time in 7 days. We decorated the xmas tree and house for xmas together, this was the first time i helped her decorate as she always did it her herself. It was something i had taken for granted before but really enjoyed helping her today...

I ask her if she wants to try to work things out and she said yes but wants to take it slow. I think she is going to stay at her moms still for a little while.. I went down and bought her favorite lunch for her and brought it home and she loved it.. We also have our Dinner tonight and I will be picking her up from her moms house and taking her to a nice dinner..

After my thousands of prayers to the lord I think he answered me and i am being given one last chance.. Not just for my marriage but a chance to fix my problem, knowing she is onboard has got me fired up to change my ways to good.. And also to find a way to meet her emotional needs so that she will be happy with me and not go ouside our mariage again.. We both need to set boundaries to eliminate temptation..

Tonight at dinner she said she will bring a list with her of things that she wants to talk about and change.. I am not sure what will be on her list, but i will find out in a few hours.. Tomorrow i will be joining a 12 step program at my church with or with out her. I can not mess this up again.. Also I should be getting SAA in the mail anyday now..

On her list of change it really had nothing to do with my or her problem.. It was that she wants to move back in on jan 1st and that she wants to have date night once a week and we can still go to counceling once a week also any other days we can get together for things, she said in no way or form is cheating allowed as we are still married (which is like duh)..

She thinks this will help bring the intimacy back for her cause it makes it exciting to see me.. When she moves back in, she wants to continue the dress up date night once a week. She said we have to trust each other right out of the gate on this. The rest of her list was about materialistic things of change like new furniture, and paint in the house, she says our home does not feel like home, its always messy, boring and old and she gets depressed coming home to it.

She told me that when she said those deadly words ( I love you but im not sure if im in love with you) that she did not mean it and she said it because she was furious.. When i dropped her off at her moms tonight she kissed me on the lips and said i love you.

She looked absolutely amazing to night, I mean gorgeous, When we walked into the restaurant,these 20 something year old guys sitting with their girl friends tweaked their necks watching her walk by, she looks like a model, and thats what makes it even harder to let her go out with out me to bars, its not that i think she will cheat but it is the fact that i am not their and there is a constant flow of men hitting on her, it sucks..

I cant believe that just 2 days ago i was convinced i had lost her for good, god works in mysterious ways..

Any now this is where i took the reins and busted out my list at the dinner table.. I said we need to set boundries so we do not come in contact with temptation, I told her i need to fix "me" and that i am going to do this on my own and go through a 12 step program and go see a councelor by my self.

I told her we both have to be a buyer in this marriage and be 100% committed to each other and avoid temptation or we will fail. I told her i want to read SAA with her and follow it to a tee. There was more on my list but this was some of the stuff i told her..

It seemed as though her list might get us back in this same situation 3 years down the road. I told her we needed drastic change in life style, no more out 3 nights a week at the bars ect even if its just with the girls for fun, and for me, i have already started taking the freeway exit before the hooker exit and going home the back way to avoid temptation later on in the future, it is only 6 minutes out of the way..

I helped spiral this marriage out of control, i need to take it by the horns and steer it to a more safe, honest path. If I dont make change and be stern, she will be lazy about it and i know all our boundaries will be broken down in a few years and we will be dealing with this all over again.. No way! Great help and advice on this forum. And i take all the negative and bashing that i received as help to get my [censored] in gear, thanks.. Tomorrow i start the 12 step.. Here goes everything..

Good for you Jeff. It's a start, and you are moving in the right direction at least !

Look into MB coaching over individual counseling or marriage counceling. You will hear this over and over here. I have found the materials and coaching will cost you less in the long haul as well. Better yet, you will get the help you need.

The day you decide to "wear" this program and each day after will be like your wedding day in your groom wear. The day your wife and you both together "wear" the program will be the day you recite your vows as though for the first time finally fully comprehending the sanctity and preciousness of your marriage to one another. And with the MB framework you will be able to hold it sacrid everyday. Marriage or individual counceling is less likely to help you form this union going forward and can potentially create worse damage to the union.

Folks at the coaching center can help you get your wife onboard with MB and possibly help you bring her home.

I'm not a veteran here and still have my own marriage that needs work. But like many here, my spouse remained reluctant and took a long time to get on board. I helped enable him and was not brave enough to follow all advise. I tried individual and marriage counceling and just about exhausted myself over a two year period. Even read about a zillion other marriage programs. All this effort was a distraction and a waste. I am here today "wearing" MB and see things from a clearer perspective.

Anyway this is why I suggest giving MB coach, such as Steve Harley a try. The destructive habits the two of you formed over a 12 year period will take time shift to healthier patterns and you will likely deal with resistance in some form. My husband and I have been married nearly 33 years and trust me, it does not get easier to break habits that are costly to your marriage.

Its almost like she wants to wait till Jan 1st when she moves back home to work on the marriage, right now she is taking the time to cope with my 80 affairs, I guess i cant blame her.. I have been trying to get her to come home sooner so we could start working on the marriage asap but she said she needs this next month to help her get over this..

We still are going to get together 2 or 3 times a week. I have never been seperated before.. Is this 35 day wait a bad thing or a good thing? I know she will not cheat, she told me if she wanted to cheat again she would not string me along she would just file for D. In this case she wants me back.

I am just missing her and the house is dark and quiet, guess i am not used to this? And maybe I should not keep trying to push her to come home early, maybe I should just let her take the time she needs.. What do you all think? I will look into the program and see if we can swing it financially right now..

Getting together 2- 3 times per week is working on your M.

Make those dates the best that you can.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and complaining. You got yourself into this.

Two or three dates per week! A month? An eye blink!

I wouldn't push her to move back.
Just make changes and let her see them.
You've basically told her a major bomb last week. She needs time to consider if she wants to remain married. She has that right.

And I would use the Plan A method to slowly attract her back.

Did you go to a meeting last night?

Why not use this month to do more to improve yourself? Are you exercising? Eating right? Would your wife like it if you picked out paint together and you started the painting she wants done? Put your time and energy into things like this instead of feeling sorry for yourself.

Yes I am letting her take the time she needs with out bugging her. Its just that yes even though i made HUGE mistakes myself I am having trouble getting over the 6 month affair she had and the other 4 ONS...she was a virgin when i met her...I do not want to just sweep her 5 affairs under the rug as it was not revenge affairs with her, she did not know i was having affairs. Guess thats why im feeling crushed, but yes i know i messed up HUGE too.. i have to own that..

Yes i went to the "Celebrate Recovery" 12 step meeting last night at the church. There was alot of drug addicts, and drunks and a few sex addicts.. I felt out of place in their but I will be going back to the next meeting next monday do to a "open share group" I did not know a 12 step program takes a full year to complete..

Yes I will follow Plan A.. and i am going to start making changes at home, i think she will be coming over this evening to help decorate some more xmas stuff in the house and hang out a bit..

Good advice Wonder, i have been pumping iron and eating better, a month will go by fast..