I dont have a plan yet. I need one... My wife has mentioned that we should both start going to the gym more.. She has had a weight issue go up and down over the years, she is very attractive she just gains weight and takes it off... I on the other hand have stayed the same weight all these years but it is still about 30-40 over weight according to the doc.. I am 6'1" 215lbs

I did not go last night because i was with my wife, but tonight i will go to the marriage couples meeting by myself, i will ask her if she will go with me but, we will see..

Its hard to ask someone at church to watch my sex habits, i barley know anyone there yet as we have only been going for like 3 weeks.. good ide about the gps..

I'm not referring to a plan for exercise.
I'm referring to a plan to control yourself and eliminate what enables you to have sex with prostitutes.

It may be hard or embarrassing to ask for help at the church but if they have these group meetings I have no doubt they will help hold you accountable.

Co-ed gyms are a horrible idea....way too much temptation. You would do better to focus your exercise efforts on walking with your wife, or if you must go to a gym, go to a same-sex only gym.

STAY AWAY FROM CO-ED GYMS, JEFF !!!

Really right now im not interested in having sex with anybody but my wife.. There might be temptation down the road and I will deal with that soon once I get my wife back. Our marriage is on the verge of divorce right now and i need advice on how to handle this and save it, if possible..

I cannot make her love me. But I know last week she loved me alot until after i told her about my past, can you not love somebody from the flip of a switch because of something they did? I would think falling out of love would happen over time. But she has not told me that she does not love me anymore.. i am just wondering what is going to happen tomorrow at 6pm when we meet up and see the councelor..

Why wont she talk to me until the councellor? Has anyone heard of a spouse wanting to meet with a councellor so they could ask for divorce in front of there spouse? I dout that is going to happen but my head is spinning.

She may just want me to tell the councellor my messed up story so he wont think she is the bad one and then she might come home with me.. OR she might want to seperate and ask him his thoughts in hopes that he would recommend seperation. I do not want to seperate!! 2 of my friends have had sex with 2 different seperated women and they brag about how she was unhappy in her marriage and how they came along and took care of her needs..

That just makes me sick ( I know that sounds funny coming from me and my past lol), but she is still the love of my life even though we both did wrong.. The longest time we have been apart in 12 years is only 6 days.. seperation would crush me.. i dont want it!..


I went to the gym today for the first time in a while, yes a coed gym that my wife pays a couples price for each month. I tagged my self at the gym on facebook and my wife clicked the "like button" and "liked" my post.. She has not "liked" any of my other posts even the picture i posted of us at her high school prom..

I also wonder if she met men at this gym when she was cheating, she used to leave at 4:30 am sometimes in her gym clothes and said she wanted to work out with a girl friend before work. Either she was hooking up with some guy early in the morning or she was on this supermodel work out schedule for OM or O men to get in tip top shape..

My wife is smoking hot, bleach blond, tan, 5'6" 140lbs with nice curves, makes me wonder why I banged all these whores, maybe because our intimacy was horrible or could be that i am an addict. She was getting her needs elsewhere and there was nothing left in bedroom, so then I continued my whoreing around, it was a cycle.. Geez what a messed up marriage. Besides my problem I had no idea this marriage was this bad and spiraling out of control.. Thought maybe I could get help and fix my problem but come to find out there a many other deep rooted issues that I have no ides how to find and fix..

My thought is you need to do something about it right now! If your commitment to not have sex outside of marriage is contingent on how you feel about your situation rather than on the boundaries you put in place and prove, you're dangerous to her or any woman for that matter. In other words, for her as well as you, boundaries effective against infidelity should be in place FIRST before you even try the rest of the recovery process.

I agree.
You can't say that you will deal with it down the road. Because your behavior shows that you can't.
You need help in eliminating what enables you to have sex with prostitutes. I've previously suggested you reach out to a reputable man in church and ask him to help hold you accountable.
Did you go to the marriage class last night? Did you ask for suggestions on how you can stop your whoremongering?

Regarding waiting for counseling, yes I think many people like to speak with a third party because it is a "safe" place. In fact I used a counseling session as my opportunity to demand my wayward wife end her Affair.

You keep focusing on your wife and you need to focus on yourself.
What is your plan for ending this destructive behavior?

Holy crap. So putting boundaries in place to protect your marriage is not interesting to you? Like lifetimelearner pointed out, your feelings mean nothing. Feelings come and go and change with the wind.

If you want to save your marriage, you had better come prepared with a plan to change up your life so you don't cheat again. Otherwise you are NOT SAFE. Since it is so easy for you to hook up with hoes there, I would have a plan in hand to move with her.

Dear Wife,

I have a plan to protect you and our marriage. I have been thinking about the conditions and opportunities that made it possible for me to have sex with 80 prostitutes.

I want to eliminate the temptation of being around other women. I have cancelled my gym membership for starters.

I have cancelled my Facebook account. I don't want to communicate with other women, so I am doing something to cut off that temptation.

I have changed my driving route every day because I do not want to be anywhere near the corners where I picked up 80 prostitutes and did despicable deeds. I will set no vile thing before my eyes, and I would rather drive 10 miles out of the way than be anywhere near temptation.

Here is my cellphone and passwords to my computer. I want to make my life an open book.

(these are just a few things for starters, Jeff.) The list goes on and on but these changes focus on changing your life so you have boundaries.

Nice letter! And I would also offer to place a GPS unit on your car that only she has access to.

Listen i will not cheat on her. I went 9 years with out cheating before, this is waaaaaaaaay to much pain and destruction going on right now.. I am also going easy on the word Sex Addict right now as one of the posts says not to use it unless it has be diagnosed or whatever.. I did tell her I will avoid that place and go around it and set up a plan, also seek help just to be safe i told her.

I literally have hours before my marriage could be done at councelling. I have been up all night dealing with this.. I ask her if she still loves me and she said she loves me but she doesnt know if she is (in love with me).. I was crushed.. I thought she would come home tonight with me but now she wants to stay at her moms for Thanksgiving and stay in town all week till sunday at her moms..

We usaully drive a hour to see my folks and stay a few days, she told me it is best to go to my folks house by myself. And she needs time and I asked her how long and she said she is not sure.. I am starting to really worry.. She also told me "Im not sure what the future will bring us but I will see u at counceling tonight at 6"...

Also she met OM and other men at the local bar scene when she was cheating.. She has been away from me since Sunday and last night her friend posted a picture of her on facebook out at the bar having drinks. She had metioned that she wanted to seperate before to se what it was like to be on her own, now i hope she is not using my past to run wild and party everynight at the bars.. This is why i need a plan to lay down when we go see councelling today

Jeff, your word that you won't cheat is absolutely meaningless though. Same as her if she were to say the same thing - you both said vows, right?? Actions, not words, are what matters here. Peope can blah blah blah all they want, it's cheap talk and doesn't mean a thing if it is not backed up with actions - which sets MB apart from traditional counseling.

Are you interested in using MB principles?

Talk is cheap. What matters in recovery are ACTIONS. Saying you didn't cheat for 9 years before is meaningless because it didn't stop you in the past and it wont' stop you in the present.

If you want to have a recovered marriage then start arranging your life so that temptations are eliminated to the best of your ability. Not going to the gym is a no brainer. A lot of affairs start there so is no need to go there. Go out and buy some dumbbells, barbells and get the PX90 workout CDs and you can work out at home.

I would hand her the plan for recovery after an affair tonight at your session. This plan will restore the romantic love in your marriage and protect you from future affairs. So when she says she doesn't love you anymore, tell you know this and have a plan to fall in love again. Here is a good link, but you could go to the bookstore and see if they sell Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley and take that book with you. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

Yes,,,, but im just saying i need advice for today so when I go to councelling i have a plan to keep her around today, if i come at her with "Im a sex addict" shes probably leave cause of that. maybe i could take a different approach with her but still seek the steps needed away from her..

Nows shes texting me that she is thinking about seeking her own councelor, on top of ours... and she said she needs to find "ME" so that if we stick it out she can be the best for me.. are her words..

She sounds like she is floundering around in the pain caused by your affairs and is lost as to what to do. That's why you need to listen to ML and get the book and present it as a plan to rescue your marriage and your love for one another. I don't mean being pushy about it, just confident and that you're committed to following the plan and have already started.

What is ML? is that the same as the SAA book i ordered?

Will this book work if we are seperated?

Follow these veterans lead plus BREATH. Clear yur head. You and your wife have been living in a vat of infectious goo; your still dripping the stuff and its hard to grasp that the advice is being given to you.

1. Examine your life with honesty. Get out a piece of paper. Draw a line vertically down the middle. On the left side make a list of factors that helped you get where you are now. Don't worry about your wife and her factors.
2. On the right side: Beside each left sided factor, you write how you are going to avoid this factor or temptation in the future.
3. Bring this list to appointment and promote your plan. Then actually follow through.
4. Also today, purchase Dr Harleys book "Surviving an affair" Bring this along to appointment and show your wife you are going to get support and guidance.
5. Schedule an appointment with one of the MB coaches.
6. Listen to the MB radio everyday.
7. Come here and educate yourself.

Doing these things are much better then panicing and freezing and not bringing in anything to the meeting. Whatever your wife is going to put you through now and in the future, you will have a much better outcome if you can center yourself in the MB principles.