Dr Harley would probably say it is your business because you are his wife, but I think a less direct approach would work better for you. Try using respectful persuasion to get him on board and avoid coming across as bossy. Ask him how you can help him in a way that won't offend him.

I know it is very tempting to lecture and try to force but that never works. My H also has health issues and he hates being told what to do. He does like it when I find information for him and then let him make the decision. He has adopted many of the ideas I have given him. For example, I read that Omega 3 is very good for heart patients. I bought a bottle and set it out on the desk in our study. [we both take it] I didn't say anything but I soon noticed he was taking it every day.

You missed the middle ground found in this suggestion above:


From what you've said, calling his attention to the wheat item wasn't the problem; calling out to the waitress to override his order was. You could express your concerns respectfully in the right direction and right manner. After that yes, the choice is up to him, but if he's not being made to feel like a child he's more likely to hear your concerns.

I think part of the problem is that him eating Croutons doesn't just effect the DH...if he does not feel well, then he does not spend time with OP/help around the house/parent/go to work.

I agree that you could say that you understand he didn't like you asking the waitress to hold the croutons on his behalf and you totally get why that is annoying. You can ask him how he thinks that type of situation should be handled...that you know that what he puts in his body is his business, but he should remember how him not feeling well affects the rest of the family.

What should my attitude be about meeting DH's needs when UA isn't happening and my needs aren't being met?

After a year of studying MB, we've been able to institute the POJA and eliminate most (98%) of LB's. Our marriage is better.

UA has always been the issue for us. After reading, that work shouldn't take more than 50 hours of your week, we realized that's been THE issue all along.

It isn't up yet but whenever they get my show from Monday November 12th up, you need to listen to probably the 4 sections of it. He talked to my husband about why UA was important. My husband doesn't think it is important either and would rather work or do chores or spend time with kids. Whenever, they get it on the archives I think Brainy will post it to my thread so you can listen to it.

My husband thinks it's important. He just hasn't been available for UA because of work. Both of us have put our jobs before the marriage. He is the provider, going above and beyond in his career, he has a very strong work ethic. "Do whatever it takes to get the job done."

Here's what we've done....Put career and raising kids before our marriage. His job,my job. His job sitch isn't changing, probably not until retirement.

A couple of years ago, I came to the realization that I didn't love him anymore. I don't want to have sex, I can't fake it any longer. The jig is up. We both know it.

I feel like such a jerk though. He works so hard, he doesn't abuse us, he doesn't drink or do drugs. Most women would say I should be ashamed of myself. You're not in love with him? He's so good to you?! Yes, I know! But, we've spent NO time together for almost 20 years. Most people think that being a good provider or being a wonderful mother and housekeeper should be enough. They are wrong, I want more! How can I ask for more? He doesn't have it!

Yes, I want links to radio shows. I need help!

Yes, my links would definitely help you. One thing I did as well is I kept track of exactly where he spend his time. If you have a problem as well, then you could track your time as well. The thing is, my husband puts in 45-50 hours a week in a regular job, BUT he could still put in the 15 hours of UA if it were important to him. I'm supposed to let him listen to my show and then have him write to Dr. Harley. So I'll let everyone know how it goes. Others have suggested signing up for counseling with Steve. Is there any way your husband would sign up for that? It could be your Christmas present.

Then I'd say you're in for a lifetime of never getting your needs met. Are you up for that?


Hard to love a man who doesn't do what it takes to meet your needs.



Stop listening to other people who don't follow the policies of MB. They are poison to your mind. They've got you feeling guilty when you're being deprived. You have the right to have the right marriage for you. You are bashing yourself for wanting something that makes you feel loved. That's messed up.


I don't believe it for a second. He has it. He has plenty. You and him just have to readjust your priorities. What should come first?

A few months ago, I told him Dr H recommends 50 hours for work. We kinda laughed about that. It's never been 50 hours. Right now, he's gone about 70 to 80 hours a week. Twenty of that is commute.

We never consider his job a problem. Never thought it was ok to even think about putting the marriage before the job. Honestly, in real life, we don't know anyone who does.

My husband is hurting too. He wants a wife who loves him. A wife who wants to have sex with him. But, if I ever in the last 20 years asked him to get a job where he could be home more....please, he would look at me like I'd lost my mind.

I spent much of the day reading Mr. Alias' and Tirewife's threads. I await radio archive links.

We made a good effort last spring, but we can't plan and there's no consistency.

As soon as they post the shows in the archives I will post tiredwife's show.

Here are some good shows. Tell us what you think.
Radio clip on the Love Bank
Segment #2

Radio clip of Husband having affair with his job
Segment #2
Segment #3

Thank you Brain for the links they are very helpful.

The first set of clips spoke about happiness being a motivator. It's not a motivator for me. Happiness doesn't dictate what I do. I would never leave my marriage because I'm unhappy. If I do something, it is because I want to or out of moral obligation. If I don't want to do something, I ask myself if I'm morally obligated. If I am, I do it. Regardless, of what I want or my happiness. I can't think of one thing I do just for the fun of it.

The second set of clips totally describe us. We stopped having fun. We don't place a high priority on fun either as a couple or as a group. If we do something, it's because it needs to be done, if I happens to be fun also, then okay it's fun too.

We agree, the lifestyle choices we made had detrimental consequences on our marriage.

Presently, our kids are now old enough to be left alone. We can now do things without them. Time and money are what prevent us from UA.

We are both concerned that if he changes careers and is then able to spend more time together, will we fall in love again?

Boy, you sure sound a lot like us. I think part of it comes with homeschooling. You do it because it is the right thing, not because it is fun!

We are a little different in that I definitely haven't lost my love for my husband but he doesn't do any love busters like it sounds like your husband does so maybe that it what made the difference...

I will say this for me that my mood/depression is directly related to how much time we spend together. If we get at least 12 hours, then I am in a great mood. If we only get 4, I am horribly down. And seriously it can change in an instant. A couple of weeks ago, we hadn't been getting enough time. I resented homeschooling and was in a FOUL mood taking everything out on my daughter. I had just about decided that I wanted to stop homeschooling her. The next morning my husband could tell something was wrong. He wanted to know if it was something he had done if we hadn't been spending enough time together. I broke down crying and told him yes that was it. He called me later and sobbing I told him I was a terrible mom, I needed to stop homeschooling, etc. He told me all the reasons I wasn't terrible an what a great job he thought I was doing and listed all of these great things. ( Since admiration is my top need, it really filled my tank.) He then invited me to lunch out.
The next day was completely different with my daughter. She didn't get on my nerves and we had a great day.

Hubby is flying back tonight and that is one thing I will tell him. He wants me to keep homeschooling. ( Funny, since I had to convince him when we first started as he was against it!) If he wants me to, then I need more time with him to stay sane!

I'll be praying for you!

Here's another clip.

Radio clip on Workaholics

[quote=MrAlias]Then I'd say you're in for a lifetime of never getting your needs met. Are you up for that?[quote=MrAlias]

I have thought about this very question for a long time now. I will not divorce my husband because my needs aren't met. There are too many good things about our marriage. It's not worth tearing our family apart.

He said he would look for a job closer to home, if his bonus isn't large enough. If they pay him for all these hours he's put in this year, he will stay. The deciding factor is compensation, not hours.

I am only in control of myself. I love my husband, I love our family. I will make decisions that I think will keep us together.

I was where you are. Willing to play the martyr for the sake of the family although mine had an end to it. Once the kids were adults I was going to weigh my options. I soon found out though, for me, it wasn�t going to work. I started to resent her way too much. I could hardly stand being around her even though we were quite civil to each other. It�s hard to watch life pass by being only somewhat happy but mostly feeling neglected and thus irritated.

I guess I would recommend you ask him to find a win/win regarding his work (POJA). When you start weighing all the deciding factors (time away from home, money spent traveling, a declining R with you(potential divorce which is spendy), etc) it seems a job closer is going to have plenty of compensation � some even in the form of money.

I agree you can only control yourself. I fear where you may end up if you continue to choose to do the martyr thing.

MrAlias is absolutely dead on. Sacrifice leads to seething resentment that only grows and grows. People who make sacrifices tend to keep score and when the score is not even, they resort to demands and other abusive strategies to even the score. Harley calls that a renters approach to marriage. No amount of money will make up for that. There is no need to create a lifestyle of resentment when you have so many good alternatives. You can have both the financial security and a great marriage. Why not choose that?

They finally posted it.
Radio clip of tiredwife's call
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4

Here's a recent clip on workaholics.

Radio clip on workaholics

Thank you Brain for the links. I love listening to them.

I still need help in one specific area. How do I handle his need for SF, if UA isn't happening. I still have a bit of aversion around my neck. We haven't recovered the romantic love yet either obviously.

He said last night, he wants to have SF more often, he wants me to be more engaged. I said, ME TOO. But, I can't will it to be so. When can we get the UA going? When can we have a romantic, in-love marriage?

He said, he doesn't know. He can't spend more time with me. He can't work less. He said, "What do you want to me to do?" "Quit my job?" I understand his job sitch is funky right now. He would lose a nice bonus, he would get fired if he worked less. Those aren't options either. It would be easier for us the poja an SF schedule without adding UA. But, I know the resentment would build back up.

So, he said....NO UA, NO SF. Sort of statement/question. I said, NO that's not the solution. I don't expect you to live in a sexless marriage. But, neither of us want to make the resentment worse. I would be sacrificing so he could gain. He was so mad. I'm so scared.

I've done this for soooo long. Give without expecting anything in return. He thinks, quitting his job, so we can have UA is a marriage builders deal breaker.

Mind you, we filled out all the questionnaires, read HNHN's. He knows the program.

He doesn't need to quit his job. He needs to find a better one. This one is killing his marriage. I think you need to tell him that in a thoughtful, respectful way.