I copied this over here for LongHaul, so he can ask and answer questions here and allow his wife to ask and answer questions on the thread she started.

Hi LongHaul,

Welcome!

The Surviving An Affair recovery plan is clear: the first step is to have No Contact with the affair partner for life.
You need to write a No Contact letter (use the one in the book) and give it to your wife to read. She should mail it certified mail.
You need to leave the job and possibly move, as instructed in the book

Hi Longhaul, welcome to Marriage Builders! Kudos to you for being committed to doing the hard things to turn this around. You can come out of this with a much better marriage than what you had before. The big difference between Marriage Builders and other marriage programs is that MB focuses on creating romantic love in your marriage. It does not focus so much on communication or conflict resolution, because those areas are much easier to resolve when a couple is in love. So that is the goal of Marriage Builders. It takes about 2 years to recover from an affair, but it is a lifelong program. In order to be successful, a couple must change the habits that led to the affair and to the loss of love in the marriage.


Glad to hear it.


That is great to hear. It seems you do understand that the only way to recover your marriage is to get out of there. Recovery is impossible any other way. You also need to be far apart from her in order for YOU to heal. Being in the environment that led to the affair will keep you triggered so I agree it is a good idea for you to get out.

It sounds like you are very much on the right track and I applaud you for having the courage to do the right thing. I know that was not easy for you. Welcome to our board. You will find lots of great help here.

Welcome Longhaul to MB it is great to see you are willing to work on rebuilding your marriage.

It's good you are also willing to change jobs, Melody Lane is right this will enable recovery.

Welcome LongHaul.

The ability to recover your marriage from an affair depends solely on the work you put into it. If you do not put the work in, the timeframe is extended, and or you never recover. In our case, for instance, following DDay we did not put 100% into recovery, did not follow the MB program, etc. and instead we limped along for well over a year. 2+ years past DDay and one RA later and we are finally investing in recovery. In that 1+ year of limping along, we added more fuel to the fire and more resentment to have to work through. Wasted time, when we could have already been recovered.

Put 100% into this recovery, and you will recover your marriage more quickly, and you will end your wife's suffering much more quickly too.

Either way this is a long process. You have years of deception to make just compensation for, and creating a marriage where your BW feels safe and loved will be a long road for you. With hard work it is very possible, and your wife sounds like an amazingly strong woman willing to fight the fight with you. Put the work in and it will pay off in the end. You CAN recover from this. There are many success stories on this board to prove it.

I'd say "Welcome", but in truth, we'd all prefer you and your BW never to have needed to come here at all.

You are working on a very limited schedule, not for recovery, but for additional-damage prevention, so get ready to work.

You need to document the entire sordid mess - every detail. Use your work-log, use charge-card receipts, coordinate with other things going on in your life, ask co-workers about events if necessary. You need to have the entire record available ASAP. The next time you say, in response to a question, "I don't remember," or, fatuously, "I must have blocked it out," you are likely to be looking at your BW in the rearview mirror, as you and she drive off in different directions.

You must steel yourself for additional pain and damage to your BW even if everything proceeds relatively orderly. You are going to have to change jobs - economic disruption. You will have to move. You will have to tell both families - humiliation and embarrassment. You are going to have to schedule STD screens for both you and your BW - more of the same. Almost certainly the affair will become known to each your coworkers' sets, and family friends. And through all of this you get ZERO allowance for regret or mourning, as you will be expected to bear her load as well as your own.

Like I said, "Welcome" is not an appropriate greeting to a WS.

Now get to work.

LongHaul, are you going to respond to the folks who took the time and effort to make posts to you? We took time out of our lives to post to you and would appreciate the same in return.

Thanks...

Hey there LongHaul. I just found yours and strongerme's threads. I want to urge you to choose to just get it all out (fears, truth, needs, whatever), so you can own it. Once you own it, you can work on it - change things. Your wife needs you to be completely humble, honest, ego free, excuse free. It is time to open it all up, deal with it, so you can make the changes necessary to overcome it. If you don't do these things, strongerme will have no security or trust in you, and you won't be able to recover your marriage.

If you are willing to let ego and fears go, be honest, and work hard, you will get the absolute best help and advice here. These people here have been where you and strongerme are. They know what it takes to recover and create a better marriage than before b/c they have done that. They will tell you like it is. They won't let you lie to yourself. You may even find yourself feeling anger over some things you read. That is usually when they hit the nail on the head, but you aren't wanting to admit it yet. It will take a little time for you to let all of your defenses down, but I hope you can. It is really a wonderful thing that everyone here just wants to help people create happier, more fulfilling marriages.

It takes a lot of hard work to create a happy, fulfilling marriage. It takes even more hard work to fix the wrongs, then create a happy marriage. I don't think anyone really knew at the beginning of their marriages how hard it was going to be or even the right things to do to create a happy marriage. So, now you have the chance to start over, do it right this time. You have been given a wonderful gift LongHaul, please cherish it for what it is and don't throw it away.

Jedi_Knight- Thanks for the input. I have no problem in No Contact with the affair partner for life. The No contact letter was mailed today. We live 30 miles away from work and are looking at the job 60 miles away from the current job.

MelodyLane- Thanks for all of your input. Your post are very supportive.

Unwritten- I am new to the posting. What does one RA later mean? My wife is a strong woman. Much stronger than me.

GloveOil- Thanks for busting me on no contact. I have the definition now. The business of threatening to leave was I wanted to hide the affair and I felt it was the only choice I had because if I had admitted the truth she would have left me. I felt my choice was lie and bury it which ate my insides up. Tell the truth and she leaves me. Through this she is giving me a chance to rebuild our love that I have damaged. I have also learned it feel so much better not to have anything hidden. We have been talking for hours like it was when we were dating and when we got married and I have really missed it. It has been very positive reinforcement for me. Basically I was a coward. It is so hard for your children to tell you � Daddy, I know you would never do anything to hurt mama or our family.�

I have also learned from the post from NeverGuessed that I get ZERO allowance for regret or mourning. It is all about my wife�s recovery and anything she needs. It is like we were in a car wreck and I see me bloody and all cut up. My wife looks fine on the outside but she has internal injuries that are life threatening and no one can see that on the outside. When I did the lie detector yesterday I felt stressed but she was the one that had to wait and see and wonder who she had been living with. All I had to do was tell the truth. She has a much tougher job. I humbly appreciate any time and future she is giving me.

Littlebit3- It feels so good to tell the truth. My heart feels open. The downside is when I am answering questions to my wife honestly it feels like I am taking a knife and cutting her about an � deep about 5 inches long with the truths I am telling her. I hate seeing her in pain and I hope this is helping her heal. It just doesn�t look like it. I am just trying to listen to her. By my past actions it makes her feel like she was nothing to me. I am hoping by future actions she will feel the affair was nothing and we are more honest, stronger, and in love more than ever before. I am just trying to appreciate every day that it is a gift to have her in my life.

Here is a letter that was shared with me. Helped me understand why my wife needed to hear the truth and have every question answered.


Joseph's Letter;


"To Whomever,

"I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to "look" at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.

"You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you're carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the "STUFF" to figure out OUR reality. There isn't really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don't have.

"Now let's enter my reality. Let's both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever "feel" complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what's the difference, it's not important. Then later when I'm expected to "understand" the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can't just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.

"So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don't you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.

"So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can't and the reason I can't is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world."

(end of Joseph's Letter)

It's a powerful letter!

Any thoughts about it??

Welcome to MB. Please listen to these radio clips with your wife.

They are a BW and WH and the affair was with a family member/best friend of the BWs. Dr. Harley tells them what must be done to recover.
Radio clip
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4

Then here is their follow up show because the BW is still struggling because they aren't following the program.
Radio clip of the Follow Up Show
Segment #2
Segment #3

It really does heal you to confess. It is a grace bestowed upon you for being honest. It is healing. That is exactly how I feel after confession. I love that feeling. I am glad that you are opening up to strongerme and to everyone here and with such humility and understanding!!!!

You may feel like you are taking a knife to her, but know that the little plastic spoon you are using right now, pales in comparison to the butcher knife you used when you turned out of your marriage to another woman, and used everytime you repeatedly lied to her. But, telling her the truth must be done. We can deal with the truth. We can make the right decisions for ourselves when we know the facts. What happens otherwise, is our minds will spin all kinds "possible stories" attempting to figure it out. What you tell her will give her the facts so she doesn't stay consumed with trying to figure it all out. Boy, if you only knew the scenerios we think up in trying to figure it out. We all need to know where we stand, what is going on to feel safe and secure. Not knowing will allow triggers and fears to rip her heart out over and over again every day. You don't want that for her, so tell her everything.

No matter what the problems in marriage are, you can never turn to another woman to meet your needs. That would never help your marriage get better. Your needs weren't getting met, but strongerme's weren't getting met either. Don't forget that. When you become unhappy in your marriage, it becomes easier to take our spouse for granted or not be as thankful for the good and loving things they do. That is just the beginning..... Now, you know that this was a sign that you both were not doing the right things to create a mutually fulfilling marriage. Now, you can learn how to do that.

It is very difficult to be cheated on. The lies, gaslighing, blameshifting, hurtful things that are said to us, they all hurt us to our core. With you doing those things, how could she possibly feel she was important to you? If someone would do that to you, would you feel like you were important to them? We show the people who are important to us, that they are important to us, by the way we treat them, by the way we value them, cherish them, by being honest with them, by protecting them, by not being selfish or self-serving to them, by making sure our choices never hurt them. We all mess up, make mistakes, but that is not what we are dealing with here. Affairs, continued, repeated deceipt and dishonesty is not a simple mistake. So, now, you can show strongerme by your actions how important she really is to you.

Are you willing to leave your profession in order to make your marriage affair proof?
Your profession has a 10 to 1 female - male ratio.
Have you considered this?

Have you had other emotional or physical affairs?

How is it going, Longhaul? What are your plans for getting out of that work environment and away from the OW? What is the plan for that?

Am I right in coming to the conclusion that this OW has had MANY affairs with married men in your workplace?

Am posting some posts here that I made on your wife's thread.

I will just reiterate what has already been said. Your marriage will not recover if he continues to work at the SAME PLACE as the OW. He will be triggered there and you will be triggered every day he goes there. Recovery will be IMPOSSIBLE. And I am not saying this cavalierly. This is what Dr Harley, the founder of Marriage Builders who has 40 years experience saving marriages from infidelity says.

This has been my experience in the 11 years I have been on this board. I don't know of any marriages that recovered while the affairees lived or worked in close proximity. NONE. But I can point to numerous affairs that resumed because of it.

Here are some of Harley's radio clips and quotes about this issue - I will post this on his thread too:

radio clip of Dr Harley telling hus...ble unless his wife leaves the workplace

here

How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS
p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

Longhaul, wanted to get an update about when you will be leaving the job? How are things going with that?

Not arguing your ratio but at my school it is 12 women and 18 men.

I have not had any other emotional or physical affairs.