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Longhaul, wanted to get an update about when you will be leaving the job? How are things going with that? I talked to my supervisor today. The OW is in another building. Supervisor said I do not have to go in that building for any reason. If OW comes in my area he told me to call him immediately. Was not formally excused from bi-weekly meetings. I am touring another facility next week with hopes to transfer. Realistically transfer could be two years away by what I was told tonight.
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How long was your affair, Sir?
How long did you pursue this women?
How many women in this school did you engage with on any type of flirting?
How long did you use other women, other than your wife, to meet your need for admiration?
When exactly did your affair begin?
When exactly was the last time you had contact (in any shape or form) with this woman?
Why do you think you are safe in that school?
How can you protect your wife while working in that job?
How can you protect your wife from your poor boundaries around other women?
What is your solution?
How do you plan to heal your wife when she knows you engage in inappropriate conversation and ego stroking with women you work with?
How do you plan to heal the "how many years of lies?" you engaged in at this school with women of the opposite sex?
What solution do you have to help your wife get over the "how many years was it exactly" of lies and deceit?
I sure hope it doesn't take another 24 hours to hear a small peep out of you.
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Longhaul, wanted to get an update about when you will be leaving the job? How are things going with that? I talked to my supervisor today. The OW is in another building. Supervisor said I do not have to go in that building for any reason. If OW comes in my area he told me to call him immediately. Was not formally excused from bi-weekly meetings. I am touring another facility next week with hopes to transfer. Realistically transfer could be two years away by what I was told tonight. You work in a school correct? Is your supervisor also your principal? Do you normally interchange supervisor and principal with each other? What kind of relationship do you have with this supervisor? What gender is the supervisor?
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How long was your affair, Sir?
5 years ago - EA started, lasted 9mts, after 5 months EA, turned into PA for 4 mths. 2 yrs. ago PA Kissing only)
How long did you pursue this women?
5 months
How many women in this school did you engage with on any type of flirting?
everybody
How long did you use other women, other than your wife, to meet your need for admiration?
I don't
When exactly did your affair begin?
2008
When exactly was the last time you had contact (in any shape or form) with this woman?
Tuesday - OW called after my wife told OWH. She called from the main number, not an extension or cell phone, so I had no idea it was her. I didn't even know my wife had called OWH.
Why do you think you are safe in that school?
4 people have been told about it and I have told them to call my wife if they see any signs and I will take a lie detector the next day. I feel I'm more accountable there than I would be if I moved 60 miles away and no one knows my story or my wife (that they would have loyalty to).
How can you protect your wife while working in that job?
See above.
How can you protect your wife from your poor boundaries around other women?
EPs
What is your solution?
We are still communicating with each other and do not have a solution yet.
How do you plan to heal your wife when she knows you engage in inappropriate conversation and ego stroking with women you work with?
EPs have been set in place so that it doesn't happen.
How do you plan to heal the "how many years of lies?" you engaged in at this school with women of the opposite sex?
It was 1 woman.
What solution do you have to help your wife get over the "how many years was it exactly" of lies and deceit?
5 years of lies and deceit. Be here every day for her & our children. Stay humble and never forget the pain I've put them through. Use the EPs as building blocks to protect it from ever happening again.
I sure hope it doesn't take another 24 hours to hear a small peep out of you.
I have a job, family, and wife that I'm trying to talk to. I hate the internet. I'm doing this because it helps my wife's healing and I believe MB does have the steps to make a marriage successful.
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Longhaul, wanted to get an update about when you will be leaving the job? How are things going with that? I talked to my supervisor today. The OW is in another building. Supervisor said I do not have to go in that building for any reason. If OW comes in my area he told me to call him immediately. Was not formally excused from bi-weekly meetings. I am touring another facility next week with hopes to transfer. Realistically transfer could be two years away by what I was told tonight. Dr Harley will advise your wife to separate until you find a solution for complete no contact with the OW. That means not working at the same place where you have had an affair all these years. The fact that the OW is another building did not stop you from having an affair in the past and it won't stop you in the future. You can walk over and see her anytime. She can come see you any time. There are lots of places to hook up in your typical work site. Your marriage will never recover until you end all contact for life, even if that means moving to another place. What you are doing will make recovery absolutely impossible. If you are serious about saving your marriage, you need to make IMMEDIATE plans to leave this job. Your wife is not safe until you do. I do not know of ANY marriages in 11 years on this board that recovered with the affairees working together. But I know of SCADS of affairs that resumed from working in the same place. Each and every sighting will put you right back to day 1 of recovery and every morning that you leave for work will be another day of hell for your wife.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You work in a school correct? Is your supervisor also your principal?
Yes
Do you normally interchange supervisor and principal with each other?
No - I'm paranoid about posting personal details on an internet site, so I'm trying to be vague, so thanks for bringing attention to it.
What kind of relationship do you have with this supervisor?
The same as any supervisor I've ever had in 25 years of working. He tells me what to do and I do it.
What gender is the supervisor?
Male
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Did you tell your principal that you had sex with this OW in your classroom?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Longhaul, wanted to get an update about when you will be leaving the job? How are things going with that? I talked to my supervisor today. The OW is in another building. Supervisor said I do not have to go in that building for any reason. If OW comes in my area he told me to call him immediately. Was not formally excused from bi-weekly meetings. I am touring another facility next week with hopes to transfer. Realistically transfer could be two years away by what I was told tonight. Dr Harley will advise your wife to separate until you find a solution for complete no contact with the OW. That means not working at the same place where you have had an affair all these years. The fact that the OW is another building did not stop you from having an affair in the past and it won't stop you in the future. You can walk over and see her anytime. She can come see you any time. There are lots of places to hook up in your typical work site. Your marriage will never recover until you end all contact for life, even if that means moving to another place. What you are doing will make recovery absolutely impossible. If you are serious about saving your marriage, you need to make IMMEDIATE plans to leave this job. Your wife is not safe until you do. I do not know of ANY marriages in 11 years on this board that recovered with the affairees working together. But I know of SCADS of affairs that resumed from working in the same place. Each and every sighting will put you right back to day 1 of recovery and every morning that you leave for work will be another day of hell for your wife. Point taken, but I don't want to lose my house or not be able to feed my kids. I understand my wife needs to heal.
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Here are the first two steps in Requirements for Recovery. As you can see, you are skipping BOTH steps: "The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide." You are attempting to skip the first two steps, which makes recovery absolutely impossible. First you are not ending contact with the OW. You will be going to the same workplace in which your affair occurred. The OW can easily walk to your building and you can easily walk to hers. There was nothing stopping you in the past and there is nothing stopping you now. The second condition is to "eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible." They are not eliminated. You are still in an environment with women with you have flirted and had an affair. You can't go onto the next steps until you take Step ONE and Step TWO, Sir. Recovery is impossible.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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How long was your affair, Sir?
5 years ago - EA started, lasted 9mts, after 5 months EA, turned into PA for 4 mths. 2 yrs. ago PA Kissing only)
How many women in this school did you engage with on any type of flirting?
everybody
How long did you use other women, other than your wife, to meet your need for admiration?
I don't
When exactly did your affair begin?
2008
What solution do you have to help your wife get over the "how many years was it exactly" of lies and deceit?
5 years of lies and deceit. How can you admit to flirting with everyone yet say you do not use women to meet your emotional need for admiration? Can you explain why you flirted then? Can you explain why you feel entitled to work in a place you spent five years engaged in lies and deceit with your wife? How can you heal your wife yet continue to go to the place you boinked another woman? How does that help heal her? When do you plan to be honest with your work colleagues?
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[
Point taken, but I don't want to lose my house or not be able to feed my kids. I understand my wife needs to heal. My concern is that you don't understand the risk. A wayward who is sincere about recovery does not continue to take risks like this. Do you want to lose your marriage? Will you lose your house when you are divorced? Because that is the choice you are facing now. Unless you want to get divorced, and lose the house anyway, I would strongly advise you to get out of there and get another job. You cannot have both your job and your marriage. You don't understand that this is more about YOUR healing than your wife's. You are the alcoholic who is trying to sober up by going to the bar every day. He changes the name of his drinks to "business drinks" and "swears" on a stack of bibles that he won't drink. He always ends up getting drunk. That is what you are doing by working there. *YOU* won't recover by going back into that environment every day. And neither will your wife. She will never be safe until you are out of there.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Let me put this another way. In order to recover, extraordinary precautions must be taken to avoid another affair. That first step has not been taken.
When you get hit by a car playing chicken, the solution is not to become a "better" chicken player, but to get your butt out of the road.
The fact that you believe you can still play chicken without getting hit again tells me you don't GET the risks here. That comes at your wife's expense and she would be crazy to tolerate it. Extraordinary precautions are not negotiable and I can understand that you might not see the risk, but I know she does.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Well. You know that you are going to see her.
What if she parks next to you?
What if there is a fire alarm and the classes need to evacuate.
It isn't like you are on a military base with 20,000 coworkers and she is hard to find.
She's probably a 2 minute walk from your classroom
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Well. You know that you are going to see her.
What if she parks next to you?
What if there is a fire alarm and the classes need to evacuate.
It isn't like you are on a military base with 20,000 coworkers and she is hard to find.
She's probably a 2 minute walk from your classroom I talked to my supervisor today. The OW is in another building. Supervisor said I do not have to go in that building for any reason. If OW comes in my area he told me to call him immediately. Was not formally excused from bi-weekly meetings. I am touring another facility next week with hopes to transfer. Realistically transfer could be two years away by what I was told tonight. Not that it makes any difference because he can walk over and see her anytime, [and vice versa] but he still plans on seeing her at bi-weekly meetings. He is not in the least bit serious about establishing extraordinary precautions.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Do you regret your adulterous behavior?
Are you willing to do whatever it takes to save your marriage and win your wife's heart back?
I cannot imagine how miserable this poor woman must be knowing that you are seeing your affair partner daily.
You've already shown that you can't be trusted before the affair.
Certainly not post affair.
You are in the education system and the education system has increased security and safety nationwide in response to violence. When I was in high school my friends had guns in their pickup trucks and would go hunting after school. Today a student would be arrested. Procedures changed in order to maintain safety.
In your case, you're like the guy that has a record of harming people (your wife and family) and yet expect the same lax safety measures to remain in effect after the crime.
Do you realize how insane your reasoning to work together sounds?
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I talked to my supervisor today. The OW is in another building. Supervisor said I do not have to go in that building for any reason. If OW comes in my area he told me to call him immediately. Was not formally excused from bi-weekly meetings. I am touring another facility next week with hopes to transfer. Realistically transfer could be two years away by what I was told tonight.
Like I told ya a couple of days ago, the best action you can take is getting out of that work location on a short-term glide-path. Because every day you spend there is like a knife being stuck into your wife's mind. That makes it hard for her to heal & hard to heal your marriage. It makes it harder for her to feel emotionally safe around you. After 5 years of deceit, you owe her at least that, don't you?
Please think about it. Isn't it time she saw the guy she saw in you when you married her? A guy who'd lay it all on the line for her? That's the guy she needs to see from you now.
It's easy to buy a motorcycle & be a middle-aged, credit-card badass. However, risking your career to save your relationship with the woman who thought your ring was worth keeping (and who still hasn't sicked a lawyer on you yet although she has every right to) -- now that takes guts. It's a little harder... and a lot more important & consequential for your life from here on out.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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I wouldn't even do a short term glide path.
I think you should just quit.
Call your union. Call the school board. Explain it in person.
Tell them you need to save your marriage.
And go work at McDonald's if necessary until you get another Job.
This is a very serious issue sir.
And you are treating it like a decision on switching insurance companies when your policy expires.
You need to do this now
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How long was your affair, Sir?
5 years ago - EA started, lasted 9mts, after 5 months EA, turned into PA for 4 mths. 2 yrs. ago PA Kissing only)at MINIMUM, you have just admitted to a 3 YEAR affair, NOT 9 months. I would like you to understand that. And also that your EA continued as long as you had ANY contact with her. Including just seeing her.
When exactly was the last time you had contact (in any shape or form) with this woman?
Tuesday - OW called after my wife told OWH. She called from the main number, not an extension or cell phone, so I had no idea it was her. I didn't even know my wife had called OWH.Are you upset at your wife for contacting OWH?
Why do you think you are safe in that school?
4 people have been told about it and I have told them to call my wife if they see any signs and I will take a lie detector the next day. I feel I'm more accountable there than I would be if I moved 60 miles away and no one knows my story or my wife (that they would have loyalty to).Is there anyone IRL whom you think could and would be willing to hold you accountable?
How can you protect your wife while working in that job?
See above.I think this answer was a cop out. Would you accept that as an answer to a question on a test?
How can you protect your wife from your poor boundaries around other women?
EPsDo you understand what EPs are? And what EPs specifically?
How do you plan to heal the "how many years of lies?" you engaged in at this school with women of the opposite sex?
It was 1 woman. ONE WOMAN TOO MANY. Just saying.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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An observation:
Last contact - last Tuesday. The drama of this affair continues. No recovery in sight for this couple yet. And without no contact for life, no recovery for the forseeable future.
But the students will be happy to know there teacher will still be there. Don't let them down even at the expense of the family.
AM
Last edited by armymama; 11/26/12 10:00 PM. Reason: another typing mistake
BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Do you normally interchange supervisor and principal with each other?
No - I'm paranoid about posting personal details on an internet site, so I'm trying to be vague, so thanks for bringing attention to it. I think others are covering the job situation well enough that I dodn't need to add anything.... I will say this.... They are correct! I would like to discuss the question in quotes though. You see, I was a great gaslighter. I came up with plenty of excuses to only do what I wanted to do.... My reasons were always valid too. (at least to me they were) Your reason to not post was the same as mine. I was paranoid that some one would out me by recognizing my story. That my business would suffer, that my reputation would be damaged. That my ability to provide for my family would diminish. Etc. Etc. Etc..... Sound familiar? Ya, I thought so. Trouble is, I should have considered all that before I committed the act of adultery. And yes, you should have too. But we never did, did we! NO! So what now? Unless you tell us your home address and tell us your real name, no one knows who you are. And the reality is, no one on this anonymous forum really even care who you are in real life... HOWEVER We do care about your marriage! We want to see your marriage not only survive, but succeed! We will be honest and help you without ever knowing who you are. You can post safely without disclosing too much person info. So please don't use that as an excuse to avoid having difficult dialog with us. Yes it's difficult! And Hard! But It's An Investment! Are you willing to invest in this with people that have walked through the process of recovery? That have faced the fire and walked through it? Or are you going to do what I did the first time? I found excuses and found freinds IRL that supported my whinning about how ridiculous MB was. The second time around I was all in and as a result, MB saved my marriage, my family and my life.
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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