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tdf,
I'm not going to tell you that you have to do anything that is suggested on this forum. It is all your choice. The trouble is, you came here asking if "you still had a chance".
Did you think strangers could change her mind? We only tell you what has worked and what won't work. It's your choice from there.
Neither choice is easy.
Me (BH): 42
Her (WS): 39
Married 19 yrs
DD: 16, DD: 11, DD: 7
D-Day: 7-5-2011, Caught searching 10-15-2012
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OK, The problem with me going to everyone and telling them about the affiar is that my wife is telling everybody that she hasn't loved me for 2 years because I didn't make her feel cared for and he is the one she loves now and he makes her feel cared for and truley loved! She tells them she filed for divorce and I just don't get it and keep hanging on! She spins it all to make me the bad man in all of their eyes. Since I've read His Needs Her Needs I know that I missed the boat emotionally with her but I can better myself and she admits that she didn't do a good job of letting me know what she needed but them she says its too late now!
When I try to talk to the kids in front of her she goes nuts and makes me look like a crazy man to the kids and she is good at it! She can spin with the best of them and since she was never a liar in our marriage, people tend to believe here.
She keeps telling me it's not his fault its my fault and she would never breakup and family over a guy! That is complete [censored]! That is exactly what she is doing but she believes she was already over me so its all OK. Oh, screw this crap. This is why the TRUTH is SO important to all involved..especially your children! She's spinning lies and re-writing history to justify her adulterous actions. This is normal...believe it. Happens all the time. This is why proper exposure is so vital...to get the TRUTH out there. The truth always has a way of ringing louder than a pack of lies. Tell your kids EVERYTHING! They are plenty old enough to know what is truly going on and the reasons why. You think they don't know about sex? My friend, you have your head firmly plugged in the sand if so.
Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Couldn't find him on there:( You have his phone number correct? Yes I can find it ***edit****
Last edited by JustUss; 12/01/12 09:21 PM. Reason: personal info
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We won't call him, tdf. That's your job.
Me (BH): 42
Her (WS): 39
Married 19 yrs
DD: 16, DD: 11, DD: 7
D-Day: 7-5-2011, Caught searching 10-15-2012
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We won't call him, tdf. That's your job. I don't want to call right now, I'm sure my wife is there
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OK, The problem with me going to everyone and telling them about the affiar is that my wife is telling everybody that she hasn't loved me for 2 years because I didn't make her feel cared for and he is the one she loves now and he makes her feel cared for and truley loved! She tells them she filed for divorce and I just don't get it and keep hanging on! She spins it all to make me the bad man in all of their eyes. Since I've read His Needs Her Needs I know that I missed the boat emotionally with her but I can better myself and she admits that she didn't do a good job of letting me know what she needed but them she says its too late now!
When I try to talk to the kids in front of her she goes nuts and makes me look like a crazy man to the kids and she is good at it! She can spin with the best of them and since she was never a liar in our marriage, people tend to believe here.
She keeps telling me it's not his fault its my fault and she would never breakup and family over a guy! That is complete [censored]! That is exactly what she is doing but she believes she was already over me so its all OK. Oh, screw this crap. This is why the TRUTH is SO important to all involved..especially your children! She's spinning lies and re-writing history to justify her adulterous actions. This is normal...believe it. Happens all the time. This is why proper exposure is so vital...to get the TRUTH out there. The truth always has a way of ringing louder than a pack of lies. Tell your kids EVERYTHING! They are plenty old enough to know what is truly going on and the reasons why. You think they don't know about sex? My friend, you have your head firmly plugged in the sand if so. But if I take the high road and don't look like a crazed idiot, my kids will eventually figure it out on their own and they will know who was lying, cheating, and basically running out on our family! We never had problems and we never fought infront of the kids. This came out of nowhere and its taken me 3 months to put this much together because she won't tell me anything and still hides her texting and calling, but I can check her usage online:)
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Your kids will figure it out. But your wife will be gone and your marriage will have been destroyed by a POSOM who is good at wrecking marriages, 3 so far.
Turn off her phone. If you're paying for it, turn it off. Stop paying for the house that you don't live in or more her out. They have a 3 month lead on you, you have some major catch up to do. Start by telling everyone the truth.
Me (BH): 42
Her (WS): 39
Married 19 yrs
DD: 16, DD: 11, DD: 7
D-Day: 7-5-2011, Caught searching 10-15-2012
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She is so closed off to me that she won't even let me touch her! I tried to hug her the other day and she said no! She makes an effort to keep her texts to me short and if I call her she is emotionless when we talk and offers no detail in conversation. I've also noticed that when I do text her for a fairly long exchange. I'll check the cell usage later and she will call him right after and they will talk for 30 + min. He's got her convinced he's the man. What I feel is, since he's been married 3xs, he has some sort of character flaw and it will rear it's ugly head soon enough!
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Your kids will figure it out. But your wife will be gone and your marriage will have been destroyed by a POSOM who is good at wrecking marriages, 3 so far.
Turn off her phone. If you're paying for it, turn it off. Stop paying for the house that you don't live in or more her out. They have a 3 month lead on you, you have some major catch up to do. Start by telling everyone the truth. She pays her half of the bill so the phone is hers and if I did sht it off she would get another one. I'm at the house tonight. She is at her parents house I'm here on the weekends and I'll have the house in a month for good. I actually stayed here last Wed. night because she had a teachers convention a couple hours away and had to leave at 5am so I stayed to get the kids up and off to school. Did any of you guys read "His Needs Her Needs" ? After reading that book I know that I'm as much at fault for her affair as she is but stopping it is tricky! Doesn't she have to want to quit for me to get her back? I mean what good would it be to keep her here against her will with her feeling love for another guy?
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To answer your original question, the answer is probably NO given your inaction.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Did any of you guys read "His Needs Her Needs" ? After reading that book I know that I'm as much at fault for her affair as she is but stopping it is tricky! Doesn't she have to want to quit for me to get her back? I mean what good would it be to keep her here against her will with her feeling love for another guy?  You might actually want to read the basic concepts of SAA and the related articles. You have no clue. You need to read SAA not HNHN at this point. Good luck to you.
Last edited by black_raven; 12/01/12 09:46 PM.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Posts: 1,156
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She is so closed off to me that she won't even let me touch her! tdf, this is precisely why you go after HIM!!!! You can't get through to her right now because she's all fogged out, but you can get to him. Attack this homewrecking POS. I have absolutely no idea why you are so willing to let him get away with destroying your 22 year family and face no consequences from you. I really don't get this at all. I bumped a thread for you earlier. Did you read it? If not, read it now. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2376609#Post2376609
Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
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tdf,
The vets will start to bail soon. You have the tools to stop this thief, and yet you do nothing. Change the locks, cancel her phone, call the POSOM and let him know that he is in for a fight. Expose everywhere. Do not let your kids travel with her out of town. Lay down the law...
Me (BH): 42
Her (WS): 39
Married 19 yrs
DD: 16, DD: 11, DD: 7
D-Day: 7-5-2011, Caught searching 10-15-2012
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[
But if I take the high road and don't look like a crazed idiot, my kids will eventually figure it out on their own and they will know who was lying, cheating, and basically running out on our family! We never had problems and we never fought infront of the kids. This came out of nowhere and its taken me 3 months to put this much together because she won't tell me anything and still hides her texting and calling, but I can check her usage online:) You are not taking the "high road," though. You have rolled over and handed your marriage and your children's family to an OM. Only a coward or a french person would surrender without a fight. Anyway, there is nothing we can do for you if you refuse to do anything to help yourself. We can't force you to save your marriage. If you change your mind and decide to follow our plan, instead of your losing plan of surrender, let us know. Otherwise you are wasting valuable time that could be given to those who are here to save their marriages.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Let's look at this from a different direction for a minute. This POS is a 3 time loser in marriage already. I'm assuming you, your WW, and the POS are around mid to upper 40's...close? Alright, I'm willing to wager that at least 2 of this guys marriages were a product of him stealing someone else's wife, or at least girlfriend. He sounds, at the least, an opportunist, or at the most, a predator. He (to me) sounds like a guy that likes to prey on women in vulnerable states of mind. It's your job, as her husband, to protect her from this kind of invasion into your family and life.
As a husband, you are failing more now than you thought you were before.
Okay, let's assume you do everything that has been suggested so far and still lose. Only time will tell, but his history tells me he will tire of her eventually and move onto his next conquest. Where will that leave your WW? When all this collapses (and it will eventually), what impression do you want your WW to have of you after the crash?
The man that fought for her and lost, or the man that didn't fight for her because she apparently wasn't worth the fight? One day she will ask herself this...bet on it.
The question is: Which man do you want to look at in the mirror?
Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Viper, you are putting more effort into writing that post than this man will put into saving his marriage. He has surrendered and abandoned his family. He surrendered his wife and daughters to some loser without a shot. He thinks it is a virtue to allow some interloper to destroy his family without putting up a fight. ["taking the high road"]  There isn't anything you can do for a person like that. I know it is frustrating to watch, but we can't force a person to save his marriage when he is so committed to surrender.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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ML,
It's not only frustrating, but it is sad. Sad for the kids and sad for his WW.
Me (BH): 42
Her (WS): 39
Married 19 yrs
DD: 16, DD: 11, DD: 7
D-Day: 7-5-2011, Caught searching 10-15-2012
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Oh well, all we can do is try.
Pisses me of though that we seem to be more concerned with saving his (and other's) marriage more than he does.
I will never be able to understand this. Go seeking help, and then refuse the help you seek.
OH!!
That makes sense!
Sigh
Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
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TexasTwoStep, I agree. tdf, at least have the decency to tell your daughters the truth so THEY can defend themselves from this interloper. They have NO ONE to help them but if they have the truth, they can protect themselves somewhat. When they find out you not only RAN and abandoned them to the OM, but LIED to them about the affair, they will deeply resent it. No responsible person would advocate lying to your children. That is as reckless and irresponsible as an affair. Dr Harley is a clinical psychologist with 40 years experience and here is what he says about telling your children the truth: The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur.
An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults. Q: So, you do suggest telling our 10 year old son? Is this more than he can handle? He never saw any real unhappiness as my husband and I had a very low conflict marriage. I have been protecting our son from this truth. He still has hope that his dad is going to come home.
___________________________________
A: As for your son, the truth will come out eventually, even if you get back together again. And your son won't be emotionally crippled if he hears the truth. It's lies and deception that cripple children. He should know that your husband is choosing his lover over his son's mother. It's a fact. He's willing to ruin a family unit all for what.
When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery. The reason that children should know about an affair is that exposing it to the light of day (letting everyone know), helps give the unfaithful spouse a dose of reality. An affair thrives on illusion, and whatever a betrayed spouse can do to eliminate the illusion is justifiable. Mold doesn't grow well in sunlight. 2. How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under)
Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse). My basic approach to life is that radical honesty is valuable on many different dimensions. It keeps us out of trouble, it helps others understand us, and it helps others avoid the same mistakes we have made. Letting your children know the details of your husband's affair would help them in all three areas.
The more your children know about your husband's affair, the more careful he will be to avoid them in the future.
The more your children know about his affair, the more they will understand what you are going through in your recovery (by the way, you are doing very well -- keep up the good work!).
Being radically honest about your husband's affair with your children would also help them avoid affairs themselves. How it happened and how could it have been prevented is a great object lesson for children. I learned that I was vulnerable for an affair when I learned about my grandfather's affairs. The extraordinary precautions I've taken were directly related to what I learned about him.
It's the approach I've always taken, and while it's difficult, especially for the WS, there's much more upside to it than downside.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Man, that makes me mad. You got good advice here and your WW affair is still new. You have the chance to crush this yet you dawdle and let OM and WW live their fantasy while you stress. EXPOSE to his parents, do not let her take your kids to see that POSOM. Say it firmly yet gentle. Don't roll over and die your best chance is to follow the advice here and email the radio show.
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