My wife and I have been together 22 years and have 3 kids, 23, 15, 12 we have what seemed to me to be a good marriage and we always trusted each other. Early this summer we found out my wifes father had colon cancer and later liver cancer. My wife was devastated and began spending every weekends at her folks house, which is about 75 miles away. After a month or two she started to seem distant from me and by last September she told me she doesn't love me anymore like she should love her husband! She then cuts off all personal contact with me and starts talking less and less to me. A couple of weeks later I discover she has started an affair with a guy she grew up with that is living next to her parents. A couple of months have gone by now and she seems totally in love with him. She constantly texts him and talks to him on the phone and goes to see him every weekend leaving the kids and I at home. She also filed for divorce and is moving into an apartment in January. I bought the book His Needs Her Needs and it describes our problems to a tee and I know she is also reading it.
The problem I face now is she is building a bond with him and avoiding me. She tells me she is confused and needs space ! I tell her I love her and what to talk etc... But she shuts me out! What can I do to get her back and stop her affair?
My wife and I have been together 22 years and have 3 kids, 23, 15, 12 we have what seemed to me to be a good marriage and we always trusted each other. Early this summer we found out my wifes father had colon cancer and later liver cancer. My wife was devastated and began spending every weekends at her folks house, which is about 75 miles away. After a month or two she started to seem distant from me and by last September she told me she doesn't love me anymore like she should love her husband! She then cuts off all personal contact with me and starts talking less and less to me. A couple of weeks later I discover she has started an affair with a guy she grew up with that is living next to her parents. A couple of months have gone by now and she seems totally in love with him. She constantly texts him and talks to him on the phone and goes to see him every weekend leaving the kids and I at home. She also filed for divorce and is moving into an apartment in January. I bought the book His Needs Her Needs and it describes our problems to a tee and I know she is also reading it.
The problem I face now is she is building a bond with him and avoiding me. She tells me she is confused and needs space ! I tell her I love her and what to talk etc... But she shuts me out! What can I do to get her back and stop her affair?
Welcome to MB and sorry for what has brought you here.
Is this OM married?
Read this
Exposure 101 You need to fight for your marriage and kill the affair? Does she work?
Who pays for her cell bill?
The other guy is single he's been divorced 3 times. He is living in his parents lake house and is about to go on disibility from the Post Office with back problems.
My wife is a special Ed teacher and loves her job that is what's keeping her here.
We have separated our money and split all bills at the house. I'm staying with my parents for niw
Have you exposed the A?
If D has been filed, have you responded and cited her A in your Answer?
And move back to your house.
The other guy is single he's been divorced 3 times. He is living in his parents lake house and is about to go on disibility from the Post Office with back problems.
My wife is a special Ed teacher and loves her job that is what's keeping her here.
We have separated our money and split all bills at the house. I'm staying with my parents for niw
Get your exposure list together. Did you read the exposure thread?
And move back home. Read this.
Men Do Not Leave your Home
I've exposed her affair! Her famy knows and are furious and devastated she feels guilt and ashamed but they continue see each other and talk and text. They wouldn't let him come to their Thanksgiving but she saw him later that evening!
She won't bring him to our home because he lives too far away from us. She is fine with going up there. I left because I can't sleep at night there! I also can't stand to see how pretty she looks when she gets ready to go up there for the weekend!
They know but are confused my 15 year old son knows but doesn't want to talk about it. My 12 year old daughter has seen them together and wasn't happy. Her mom said they were just friends. She's confused but knows the truth I believe
My approach right now is trying to get her to be my friend again and open up to me via texts and talking. I'm trying to gain more of her time and emotions.
I've exposed her affair! Her famy knows and are furious and devastated she feels guilt and ashamed but they continue see each other and talk and text. They wouldn't let him come to their Thanksgiving but she saw him later that evening!
Whom did you expose to on OM's side? You need to get to his parents.
Have you asked her family to put pressure on her to stop the affair? Have they told her to her face how disappointed they are? You need to get this OM away from her.
Can you go to her folks with her?
My approach right now is trying to get her to be my friend again and open up to me via texts and talking. I'm trying to gain more of her time and emotions.
If she has you and OM meeting her needs why would she want to quit that? An understanding Husband and a boyfriend?
You must demand she end her affair. Do you live in a fault state? Fight sir, fight for your marriage.
Get the book Surviving an Affair. Read it and follow it. Listen to the vets here, they can give you great advice on saving your marriage.
Your WW is in a foggy fanatasy land, bring the light of truth to pull her out of it.
I'm a BH as well, and know how you feel.
No fault state. They don't care about affairs
I don't really know the guy and dont know how to reach his parents they are in Florida for the winter
Her parents are telling her no but she carries on inspite of their efforts. They are leaving for Florida in 2 weeks they want to get away the cancer is enough for them to deal with
I don't really know the guy and dont know how to reach his parents they are in Florida for the winter
Her parents are telling her no but she carries on inspite of their efforts. They are leaving for Florida in 2 weeks they want to get away the cancer is enough for them to deal with
Does OM have a facebook? Can you look him on intellus.com or peoplefinder.com?
She is reading His Needs Her Needs right now and it describes us to a tee. Should I let her finish before I go after her to end it? She'll be done in about a week
Couldn't find him on there:(
Here's another good site.
Findoutthetruth.com
Couldn't find him on there:(
You have his phone number correct?
Trying to be her friend and leaving your house are bad moves. WW will run you over and you are making it easy for her to do that. Be her husband and get back into your house.
What are your children confused about? I understand they may not want to talk about it, but do they know specifically that she is having an affair with this guy? That she is having sex with him? Has this been made clear by you or not?
She is reading His Needs Her Needs right now and it describes us to a tee. Should I let her finish before I go after her to end it? She'll be done in about a week
Do you really want to wait until this gets more entrenched and more physical? I'm sure when her parents are gone for two weeks she plans all sort of "plans" with him.
Why are you sitting back and not fighting for your bride?
Carrot and Stick of Plan A
They know but are confused my 15 year old son knows but doesn't want to talk about it. My 12 year old daughter has seen them together and wasn't happy. Her mom said they were just friends. She's confused but knows the truth I believe
I am not clear how her mom believes they are just friends if you have exposed to her. Did you tell her mom they were having an affair? Did you really expose the affair?
And have you been to his parents and exposed the affair to his family? Does the OM have a facebook page?
She is reading His Needs Her Needs right now and it describes us to a tee. Should I let her finish before I go after her to end it? She'll be done in about a week
Can you hide the book from her? That is the wrong book for her to be reading. She should be reading Surviving an Affair. And reading the books won't motivate her to end her affair anyway.
What will motivate her - if anything - is a real exposure. This affair is so entrenched and has been so ENABLED that it will be tough to kill.
She won't bring him to our home because he lives too far away from us. She is fine with going up there. I left because I can't sleep at night there! I also can't stand to see how pretty she looks when she gets ready to go up there for the weekend!
It would be better to go home and get her legally removed. Go home and change the locks. Make her move out.
They know but are confused my 15 year old son knows but doesn't want to talk about it. My 12 year old daughter has seen them together and wasn't happy. Her mom said they were just friends. She's confused but knows the truth I believe
I am not clear how her mom believes they are just friends if you have exposed to her. Did you tell her mom they were having an affair? Did you really expose the affair?
And have you been to his parents and exposed the affair to his family? Does the OM have a facebook page?
Mel,
He means the mother of his DD12 (his WW).
He has told her parents, whom live next door to OM, and they are upset, but are leaving for 2 weeks.
He said he can't find OM on facebook and hasn't contacted his family. We've been giving him other ideas to track OM's family down.
She is reading His Needs Her Needs right now and it describes us to a tee. Should I let her finish before I go after her to end it? She'll be done in about a week
Tell her how much this is hurting her family. Do what you can do to find other man. Do you know where he works? Expose... And read SAA.
ahhhh, so the WW was ALLOWED to lie to the kids about the affair? Nice!
tdf, you have done alot of enabling here, my friend. It doesn't sound like you are too serious about saving your marriage to me. You abandon your home and allow your wife to lie to your kids about her affair? That does not help anything.
She is reading His Needs Her Needs right now and it describes us to a tee. Should I let her finish before I go after her to end it? She'll be done in about a week
Tell her how much this is hurting her family. Do what you can do to find other man. Do you know where he works? Expose... And read SAA.
The OM lives next door to WW's parents. WW travels every weekend to stay with parents.
Trying to get him to find OM's parents so he can expose.
Does that piece of crap, OM have a facebook page?
ahhhh, so the WW was ALLOWED to lie to the kids about the affair? Nice!
tdf, you have done alot of enabling here, my friend. It doesn't sound like you are too serious about saving your marriage to me. You abandon your home and allow your wife to lie to your kids about her affair? That does not help anything.
Thanks Mel we needed your big guns here.
Trying to get him to find OM's parents/family to expose to.
Listen to Mel and BH.... They know what they are talking about.
If it were me I would be getting my [censored] in my car right now and driving to this POS's house and get in his FACE! It's not like you don't know where this POS lives.
Does that piece of crap, OM have a facebook page?
Said he can't find him there.
If D has been filed, have you responded and cited her A in your Answer?
You did not answer this question. Have you responded and if so, did you cite her adultery?
You need to spell it out in black and white to your kids that your wife their mom is having an affair with the OM. Tell them who the OM is and their mom is dating and having sex with the OM.
It's a no fault state and they don't ask or care
It's a no fault state and they don't ask or care
tdf, this affair has gone very far but you do have a chance of saving this if you can follow a plan. Can you follow a plan? So far, you have contributed to the destruction of your marriage by enabling your wife. Your complacence and lack of fight has given her the impression that you don't care very much. In many states, judges frown on husbands who abandon their families.
I understand how traumatic this is, but I just want you to understand that you have made some strategic mistakes that have made the situation worse. We can help you turn this around if you are willing to follow a plan. There are no guarantees but you are guaranteed to lose if you don't try to turn this around.
Would you follow a plan if we took the time to give it to you?
It's a no fault state and they don't ask or care
What state are you in? In many no fault states they DO take adultery into account. Most attorneys are lazy, though, and don't want to bother.
It's a no fault state and they don't ask or care
I'll take that as a NO. Even in a no fault state, the adultery can be cited. WSs don't want their adultery exposed in D papers. You had another opportunity to put a mirror in front of WW...and did not.
So far I get the vibe that you have signed up for Plan Hope. Are you still paying for everything while your WW carries on her affair and lives in your house? She has little incentive to change her behavior when there are no consequences.
Have you exposed the A?
If D has been filed, have you responded and cited her A in your Answer?
She filed but we went to court only to put in writing our bills and living arrangement until she moves into her apartment.
It's a no fault state and they don't ask or care
I'll take that as a NO. Even in a no fault state, the adultery can be cited. WSs don't want their adultery exposed in D papers. You had another opportunity to put a mirror in front of WW...and did not.
So far I get the vibe that you have signed up for Plan Hope. Are you still paying for everything while your WW carries on her affair and lives in your house? She has little incentive to change her behavior when there are no consequences.
She makes as much as I do and she is paying for half of everything. I moved out because I can't stand to be in the same house right now. I can't sleep there.
It's a no fault state and they don't ask or care
What state are you in? In many no fault states they DO take adultery into account. Most attorneys are lazy, though, and don't want to bother.
Indiana and they don't ask any questions about anything.
Does that piece of crap, OM have a facebook page?
I can't find him on facebook
If it were me I would be getting my [censored] in my car right now and driving to this POS's house and get in his FACE! It's not like you don't know where this POS lives.
That type of reaction would only bond them deeper. They us against the world feeling. They have that now because my wifes parents sisters, brother, etc... all no and don't accept him but they continue anyway.
This is a tricky one! Most people, including my counselor say I shouldn't involve the kids in this mess. I've told them that mom is seeing someone else and it's not my fault and I'm working on getting us better, but bringing up sex to a 12 year old girl is not something I'm comfortable with. I'm to the point now tht I only answer what they ask me about this.
tdf,
Have you told your kids that their mother won't be coming back to the house. Move all your stuff home, when she is gone, change the locks. If she files, and you go through with it, fight for custody and child support. As I recall, this POSOM lives near your in laws in another town.
You are probably headed to a Plan B.
If it were me I would be getting my [censored] in my car right now and driving to this POS's house and get in his FACE! It's not like you don't know where this POS lives.
That type of reaction would only bond them deeper. They us against the world feeling. They have that now because my wifes parents sisters, brother, etc... all no and don't accept him but they continue anyway.
How do you know it won't work if you don't at least try? Your thread is titled, "Do I Still Have a Chance". Yeah, you still do, but only if you pull out all the stops. Go see this [censored] face to face. Seriously, what DO you have to lose at this point?
Nothing.
Oh, and BTW, THEY don't have that us against the world mentality...she does. HE has had to face no heat whatsoever on his end. Apply some serious heat and see what happens.
Hey, if you have to go down, at least go down fighting. Make an effort. Pay this POS a visit. GET....IN....THIS....PIG'S....FACE!
Hey, you may even impress your WW by accident just by showing that you are willing to fight for her.
Think about it.
I've exposed her affair! Her famy knows and are furious and devastated she feels guilt and ashamed but they continue see each other and talk and text. They wouldn't let him come to their Thanksgiving but she saw him later that evening!
Whom did you expose to on OM's side? You need to get to his parents.
Have you asked her family to put pressure on her to stop the affair? Have they told her to her face how disappointed they are? You need to get this OM away from her.
Can you go to her folks with her?
I don't know him or his family I've only met him in passing through the years and he didn't live in that house until this summer. I don't know his family and I've never met them. They might not even care and probably like my wife and would love to see him with her. His daughet wants them to be a big happy family!
Your counselor isn't trying to save your marriage. He or she is trying to make you feel better about the mess around you.
I have an 11 year old daughter, 6th grade. They know about sex.
Couldn't find him on there:(
You have his phone number correct?
Yes I can find it
Trying to be her friend and leaving your house are bad moves. WW will run you over and you are making it easy for her to do that. Be her husband and get back into your house.
What are your children confused about? I understand they may not want to talk about it, but do they know specifically that she is having an affair with this guy? That she is having sex with him? Has this been made clear by you or not?
No I don't talk sex with the kids they actually don't want to talk about it and want me to move on with my life. Their mom tells them she will never get back with me and has feelings for the OM.
She is reading His Needs Her Needs right now and it describes us to a tee. Should I let her finish before I go after her to end it? She'll be done in about a week
Do you really want to wait until this gets more entrenched and more physical? I'm sure when her parents are gone for two weeks she plans all sort of "plans" with him.
Why are you sitting back and not fighting for your bride?
Her parents are leaving for the winter not 2 weeks. In 2 weeks they will be gone for the winter. They made it clear they weren't happy about the affair but she tells them they're just friends and just talking:)
Carrot and Stick of Plan A
And they believe her bc you haven't been fully honest with them.
Viper has it right.... Go see him. Tell him you are not going down without a fight. Expose to his family, his work, his friends... Everyone. Hold nothing back, it can't cost you any more than doing nothing.
How do you know what his daughter wants?
If you have his number, CALL IT!!!
You haven't let your 12 yr old go with your WW to POSOM's house have you?
OK, The problem with me going to everyone and telling them about the affiar is that my wife is telling everybody that she hasn't loved me for 2 years because I didn't make her feel cared for and he is the one she loves now and he makes her feel cared for and truley loved! She tells them she filed for divorce and I just don't get it and keep hanging on! She spins it all to make me the bad man in all of their eyes. Since I've read His Needs Her Needs I know that I missed the boat emotionally with her but I can better myself and she admits that she didn't do a good job of letting me know what she needed but them she says its too late now!
When I try to talk to the kids in front of her she goes nuts and makes me look like a crazy man to the kids and she is good at it! She can spin with the best of them and since she was never a liar in our marriage, people tend to believe here.
She keeps telling me it's not his fault its my fault and she would never breakup and family over a guy! That is complete [censored]! That is exactly what she is doing but she believes she was already over me so its all OK.
How do you know what his daughter wants?
If you have his number, CALL IT!!!
You haven't let your 12 yr old go with your WW to POSOM's house have you?
Yeah, she took her last week and she spent two nights there! My wfie stayed at her parents house and he stayed with my daughter and his daughter. They because friends over the summer. they are the same age.
I can't control that because it's an hour and a half away and she doesn't want me there!
tdf, do you really want help or not? If so, forget everything you have been told to date from your counselor and start listening to everything you are being told here...and actually start doing something.
If you're not really serious about doing everything you can to, then just let us all know upfront.
tdf,
I'm not going to tell you that you have to do anything that is suggested on this forum. It is all your choice. The trouble is, you came here asking if "you still had a chance".
Did you think strangers could change her mind? We only tell you what has worked and what won't work. It's your choice from there.
Neither choice is easy.
OK, The problem with me going to everyone and telling them about the affiar is that my wife is telling everybody that she hasn't loved me for 2 years because I didn't make her feel cared for and he is the one she loves now and he makes her feel cared for and truley loved! She tells them she filed for divorce and I just don't get it and keep hanging on! She spins it all to make me the bad man in all of their eyes. Since I've read His Needs Her Needs I know that I missed the boat emotionally with her but I can better myself and she admits that she didn't do a good job of letting me know what she needed but them she says its too late now!
When I try to talk to the kids in front of her she goes nuts and makes me look like a crazy man to the kids and she is good at it! She can spin with the best of them and since she was never a liar in our marriage, people tend to believe here.
She keeps telling me it's not his fault its my fault and she would never breakup and family over a guy! That is complete [censored]! That is exactly what she is doing but she believes she was already over me so its all OK.
Oh, screw this crap. This is why the TRUTH is SO important to all involved..especially your children! She's spinning lies and re-writing history to justify her adulterous actions. This is normal...believe it. Happens all the time.
This is why proper exposure is so vital...to get the TRUTH out there. The truth always has a way of ringing louder than a pack of lies.
Tell your kids EVERYTHING! They are plenty old enough to know what is truly going on and the reasons why. You think they don't know about sex? My friend, you have your head firmly plugged in the sand if so.
Couldn't find him on there:(
You have his phone number correct?
Yes I can find it
***edit****
We won't call him, tdf. That's your job.
We won't call him, tdf. That's your job.
I don't want to call right now, I'm sure my wife is there
OK, The problem with me going to everyone and telling them about the affiar is that my wife is telling everybody that she hasn't loved me for 2 years because I didn't make her feel cared for and he is the one she loves now and he makes her feel cared for and truley loved! She tells them she filed for divorce and I just don't get it and keep hanging on! She spins it all to make me the bad man in all of their eyes. Since I've read His Needs Her Needs I know that I missed the boat emotionally with her but I can better myself and she admits that she didn't do a good job of letting me know what she needed but them she says its too late now!
When I try to talk to the kids in front of her she goes nuts and makes me look like a crazy man to the kids and she is good at it! She can spin with the best of them and since she was never a liar in our marriage, people tend to believe here.
She keeps telling me it's not his fault its my fault and she would never breakup and family over a guy! That is complete [censored]! That is exactly what she is doing but she believes she was already over me so its all OK.
Oh, screw this crap. This is why the TRUTH is SO important to all involved..especially your children! She's spinning lies and re-writing history to justify her adulterous actions. This is normal...believe it. Happens all the time.
This is why proper exposure is so vital...to get the TRUTH out there. The truth always has a way of ringing louder than a pack of lies.
Tell your kids EVERYTHING! They are plenty old enough to know what is truly going on and the reasons why. You think they don't know about sex? My friend, you have your head firmly plugged in the sand if so.
But if I take the high road and don't look like a crazed idiot, my kids will eventually figure it out on their own and they will know who was lying, cheating, and basically running out on our family! We never had problems and we never fought infront of the kids. This came out of nowhere and its taken me 3 months to put this much together because she won't tell me anything and still hides her texting and calling, but I can check her usage online:)
Your kids will figure it out. But your wife will be gone and your marriage will have been destroyed by a POSOM who is good at wrecking marriages, 3 so far.
Turn off her phone. If you're paying for it, turn it off. Stop paying for the house that you don't live in or more her out. They have a 3 month lead on you, you have some major catch up to do. Start by telling everyone the truth.
She is so closed off to me that she won't even let me touch her! I tried to hug her the other day and she said no! She makes an effort to keep her texts to me short and if I call her she is emotionless when we talk and offers no detail in conversation. I've also noticed that when I do text her for a fairly long exchange. I'll check the cell usage later and she will call him right after and they will talk for 30 + min. He's got her convinced he's the man. What I feel is, since he's been married 3xs, he has some sort of character flaw and it will rear it's ugly head soon enough!
Your kids will figure it out. But your wife will be gone and your marriage will have been destroyed by a POSOM who is good at wrecking marriages, 3 so far.
Turn off her phone. If you're paying for it, turn it off. Stop paying for the house that you don't live in or more her out. They have a 3 month lead on you, you have some major catch up to do. Start by telling everyone the truth.
She pays her half of the bill so the phone is hers and if I did sht it off she would get another one. I'm at the house tonight. She is at her parents house I'm here on the weekends and I'll have the house in a month for good. I actually stayed here last Wed. night because she had a teachers convention a couple hours away and had to leave at 5am so I stayed to get the kids up and off to school.
Did any of you guys read "His Needs Her Needs" ? After reading that book I know that I'm as much at fault for her affair as she is but stopping it is tricky! Doesn't she have to want to quit for me to get her back? I mean what good would it be to keep her here against her will with her feeling love for another guy?
To answer your original question, the answer is probably NO given your inaction.
Did any of you guys read "His Needs Her Needs" ? After reading that book I know that I'm as much at fault for her affair as she is but stopping it is tricky! Doesn't she have to want to quit for me to get her back? I mean what good would it be to keep her here against her will with her feeling love for another guy?
You might actually want to read the basic concepts of SAA and the related articles. You have no clue. You need to read SAA not HNHN at this point.
Good luck to you.
She is so closed off to me that she won't even let me touch her!
tdf, this is precisely why you go after HIM!!!! You can't get through to her right now because she's all fogged out, but you can get to him. Attack this homewrecking POS. I have absolutely no idea why you are so willing to let him get away with destroying your 22 year family and face no consequences from you.
I really don't get this at all.
I bumped a thread for you earlier. Did you read it? If not, read it now.
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2376609#Post2376609
tdf,
The vets will start to bail soon. You have the tools to stop this thief, and yet you do nothing. Change the locks, cancel her phone, call the POSOM and let him know that he is in for a fight. Expose everywhere. Do not let your kids travel with her out of town. Lay down the law...
[
But if I take the high road and don't look like a crazed idiot, my kids will eventually figure it out on their own and they will know who was lying, cheating, and basically running out on our family! We never had problems and we never fought infront of the kids. This came out of nowhere and its taken me 3 months to put this much together because she won't tell me anything and still hides her texting and calling, but I can check her usage online:)
You are not taking the "high road," though. You have rolled over and handed your marriage and your children's family to an OM. Only a coward or a french person would surrender without a fight.
Anyway, there is nothing we can do for you if you refuse to do anything to help yourself. We can't force you to save your marriage.
If you change your mind and decide to follow our plan, instead of your losing plan of surrender, let us know. Otherwise you are wasting valuable time that could be given to those who are here to save their marriages.
Let's look at this from a different direction for a minute. This POS is a 3 time loser in marriage already. I'm assuming you, your WW, and the POS are around mid to upper 40's...close? Alright, I'm willing to wager that at least 2 of this guys marriages were a product of him stealing someone else's wife, or at least girlfriend. He sounds, at the least, an opportunist, or at the most, a predator. He (to me) sounds like a guy that likes to prey on women in vulnerable states of mind. It's your job, as her husband, to protect her from this kind of invasion into your family and life.
As a husband, you are failing more now than you thought you were before.
Okay, let's assume you do everything that has been suggested so far and still lose. Only time will tell, but his history tells me he will tire of her eventually and move onto his next conquest. Where will that leave your WW? When all this collapses (and it will eventually), what impression do you want your WW to have of you after the crash?
The man that fought for her and lost, or the man that didn't fight for her because she apparently wasn't worth the fight? One day she will ask herself this...bet on it.
The question is: Which man do you want to look at in the mirror?
Viper, you are putting more effort into writing that post than this man will put into saving his marriage. He has surrendered and abandoned his family. He surrendered his wife and daughters to some loser without a shot. He thinks it is a virtue to allow some interloper to destroy his family without putting up a fight. ["taking the high road"]
There isn't anything you can do for a person like that. I know it is frustrating to watch, but we can't force a person to save his marriage when he is so committed to surrender.
ML,
It's not only frustrating, but it is sad. Sad for the kids and sad for his WW.
Oh well, all we can do is try.
Pisses me of though that we seem to be more concerned with saving his (and other's) marriage more than he does.
I will never be able to understand this. Go seeking help, and then refuse the help you seek.
OH!!
That makes sense!
Sigh
TexasTwoStep, I agree.
tdf, at least have the decency to tell your daughters the truth so THEY can defend themselves from this interloper. They have NO ONE to help them but if they have the truth, they can protect themselves somewhat. When they find out you not only RAN and abandoned them to the OM, but LIED to them about the affair, they will deeply resent it. No responsible person would advocate lying to your children. That is as reckless and irresponsible as an affair.
Dr Harley is a clinical psychologist with 40 years experience and here is what he says about telling your children the truth:
The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur.
An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults.
Q: So, you do suggest telling our 10 year old son? Is this more than he can handle? He never saw any real unhappiness as my husband and I had a very low conflict marriage. I have been protecting our son from this truth. He still has hope that his dad is going to come home.
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A: As for your son, the truth will come out eventually, even if you get back together again. And your son won't be emotionally crippled if he hears the truth. It's lies and deception that cripple children. He should know that your husband is choosing his lover over his son's mother. It's a fact. He's willing to ruin a family unit all for what.
When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery.
The reason that children should know about an affair is that exposing it to the light of day (letting everyone know), helps give the unfaithful spouse a dose of reality. An affair thrives on illusion, and whatever a betrayed spouse can do to eliminate the illusion is justifiable. Mold doesn't grow well in sunlight.
2. How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under)
Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse).
My basic approach to life is that radical honesty is valuable on many different dimensions. It keeps us out of trouble, it helps others understand us, and it helps others avoid the same mistakes we have made. Letting your children know the details of your husband's affair would help them in all three areas.
The more your children know about your husband's affair, the more careful he will be to avoid them in the future.
The more your children know about his affair, the more they will understand what you are going through in your recovery (by the way, you are doing very well -- keep up the good work!).
Being radically honest about your husband's affair with your children would also help them avoid affairs themselves. How it happened and how could it have been prevented is a great object lesson for children. I learned that I was vulnerable for an affair when I learned about my grandfather's affairs. The extraordinary precautions I've taken were directly related to what I learned about him.
It's the approach I've always taken, and while it's difficult, especially for the WS, there's much more upside to it than downside.
Man, that makes me mad. You got good advice here and your WW affair is still new. You have the chance to crush this yet you dawdle and let OM and WW live their fantasy while you stress. EXPOSE to his parents, do not let her take your kids to see that POSOM. Say it firmly yet gentle. Don't roll over and die your best chance is to follow the advice here and email the radio show.
You need to listen to the advice. You have a chance to kill the A with exposure. It the A ends and you do recover your marriage, the fact that you exposed will be a key factor in that recovery.
Exposure gets the truth out there, it will plant the seed of doubt in the minds of anyone who has heard the spin given by WW & OM.
Your children need the truth, it's not the truth that causes damage, its the A. Dishonesty or sweeping the A under the rug will cause more harm to your children. They need the truth to protect them from the wayward behaviour. You don't want your children growing up thinking this is acceptable behaviour.
Trying to be her friend and leaving your house are bad moves. WW will run you over and you are making it easy for her to do that. Be her husband and get back into your house.
What are your children confused about? I understand they may not want to talk about it, but do they know specifically that she is having an affair with this guy? That she is having sex with him? Has this been made clear by you or not?
No I don't talk sex with the kids they actually don't want to talk about it and want me to move on with my life. Their mom tells them she will never get back with me and has feelings for the OM.
You are letting the WW control what the kids are learing about her and the OM.
You do not know nothin' about fightin' affairs.
Yet you have some real good affair fighters coaching you here.
And what do you do?
You tell the experts I'm not going to do that. A dummy that does not know anything about how to fight and kill an affair.
Notice I did not give advice on what to do?
That is because there is no use repeating what others have said.
Oh, I will add this.
Do you know that statistically that a daughter's chances of being molested by the OM greatly increase when the dad moves out and lets the OM move in?
The other guy is single he's been divorced 3 times. He is living in his parents lake house and is about to go on disibility from the Post Office with back problems.
My wife is a special Ed teacher and loves her job that is what's keeping her here.
We have separated our money and split all bills at the house. I'm staying with my parents for niw
In a perfect world you could burn his lake house down with him in it.
But you can't.
The fact is your children need you in their lives.
Your wife has decided to act like a selfish evil adulteress woman.
The question is: how will you act?
Will you allow this useless sack of manure to be around your kids?
If your wife likes being in bed with with useless cockroach then she can move her [censored] out.
I encourage you to move back in and tell the worthless bum if you see him near your kids or near your wife you will ruin his miserable sorry life.
Yeah, she took her last week and she spent two nights there! My wife stayed at her parents house and he stayed with my daughter...I can't control that because it's an hour and a half away and she doesn't want me there!
Are you high? Drunk? Or just abysmally stupid?
You are cool with a 3-time divorced scumbag currently boning your wife, to spend the weekend alone (ignoring his spawn) with your daughter? You good with that? Ignoring for the moment that it's probably illegal, you weigh the fact that it's 90 minutes away and say, "Nah, too much trouble!"
You, sir, should be reported for your complicity in what will happen very shortly to your child. You might be lucky and all he'll do is share some mutual fondling with her. Of course he might orally or vaginally penetrate her, or worse. Hey at this rate, he might turn into the baby-daddy of your first grandchild!
Keep us advised, okay?
My wife and I have been together 22 years and have 3 kids, 23, 15, 12
Whose child is the 23 year-old? Which one of you was married before? Did you current marriage begin while you were married to other people?
My wife was married for 2 years before me to a man that broke her nose. She also suffers from mild depression and post traumatic stress disorder from a tragic event she witnessed at 10 years. This condition makes her unable to control. The more you pressure her with choices the more she will fight and resist!
I've been tryin to expose the affair to all I know and I'm current going around town and telling her friends of the affair.
The real problem I have now is that she believes she loves him and she is only capable of loving one man and he is her choice! Going after him will only make them stronger against me! Bullying her is not a choice she will resist!
It seems in most cases the spouse having the affair still wants their married spouse too. My wife has decided she wants him and I need to go.
Her family has told her how they do accept her behavior but she still goes to him, (which is the control issue mentioned) I don't want my kids around him and she knows this but she tells me they are going to stay with their grandparents and does different when they are there. I have no legal right to keep them from going!
Now, the name calling I'm getting from some of you on this site isn't helping anything and its petty and small! I'm going what I can and what I feel is right I don't need your belittling!
This affair took me a while to find out about because we trusted each other and she never kept anything from me. I'm guessing its into the 4th month and she broke off all physical contact with me about that time. That is in line with her commitment to only one person , him!
My wife and I have been together 22 years and have 3 kids, 23, 15, 12
Whose child is the 23 year-old? Which one of you was married before? Did you current marriage begin while you were married to other people?
She was married at 19 to her first husband and had a daughter it ended with abuse in 2 years, (that was the first marriage for both). I met her about 6 months later and we dated for about 4 years before we married. She is my only marriage.
Yeah, she took her last week and she spent two nights there! My wife stayed at her parents house and he stayed with my daughter...I can't control that because it's an hour and a half away and she doesn't want me there!
Are you high? Drunk? Or just abysmally stupid?
You are cool with a 3-time divorced scumbag currently boning your wife, to spend the weekend alone (ignoring his spawn) with your daughter? You good with that? Ignoring for the moment that it's probably illegal, you weigh the fact that it's 90 minutes away and say, "Nah, too much trouble!"
You, sir, should be reported for your complicity in what will happen very shortly to your child. You might be lucky and all he'll do is share some mutual fondling with her. Of course he might orally or vaginally penetrate her, or worse. Hey at this rate, he might turn into the baby-daddy of your first grandchild!
Keep us advised, okay?
You need to find another hobby your approach is offending to me! Why would I respect your opinion after your personal attacks?
She was married at 19 to her first husband and had a daughter it ended with abuse in 2 years, (that was the first marriage for both). I met her about 6 months later and we dated for about 4 years before we married. She is my only marriage.
About six months later than what? Than when she left him, or than when the divorce was final?
The other guy is single he's been divorced 3 times. He is living in his parents lake house and is about to go on disibility from the Post Office with back problems.
My wife is a special Ed teacher and loves her job that is what's keeping her here.
We have separated our money and split all bills at the house. I'm staying with my parents for niw
In a perfect world you could burn his lake house down with him in it.
But you can't.
The fact is your children need you in their lives.
Your wife has decided to act like a selfish evil adulteress woman.
The question is: how will you act?
Will you allow this useless sack of manure to be around your kids?
If your wife likes being in bed with with useless cockroach then she can move her [censored] out.
I encourage you to move back in and tell the worthless bum if you see him near your kids or near your wife you will ruin his miserable sorry life.
Believe me I would love to kick his [censored] and I've got a ton of friends that would love to help, but she feels strongly for this guy and that would make it worse! I've thought of contacting him but I don't have anything to say that would changes his mind and she would know and be angry and feel more for his side.
Now I'm letting stay in the house for the rest of this month because she is not from here and has nowhere to stay until she gets her apartment in Jan. she is a teacher and loves her job and I don't want her to lose it either.
I feel at this point I can only let her move out and hope that she eventually snaps out of this and wants to come back. I will then only agree to counseling before we decide . You have to understand that this is totally out of character for her . I would have bet my life 6 months against this happening! All my friends are in shock !
She was married at 19 to her first husband and had a daughter it ended with abuse in 2 years, (that was the first marriage for both). I met her about 6 months later and we dated for about 4 years before we married. She is my only marriage.
About six months later than what? Than when she left him, or than when the divorce was final?
She was completely divorced when we met probably for a few months or so I never asked. We didn't talk much about it
She was completely divorced when we met probably for a few months or so I never asked. We didn't talk much about it
Since you never asked, I wonder if you can be sure when the divorce took place.
If she has a habit of starting a relationship before the last one ends then she sees nothing wrong with what she is doing to you.
I not running out on my kids! I still go to there sporting events and take them to and from practices, etc... I see them as much as ever. Im only across town. They need to stay in their house and resume normal life and not be involved in this they have school and sports to worry about not us!
She was completely divorced when we met probably for a few months or so I never asked. We didn't talk much about it
Since you never asked, I wonder if you can be sure when the divorce took place.
If she has a habit of starting a relationship before the last one ends then she sees nothing wrong with what she is doing to you.
Her name was back to her maiden name when I met her that is the final issue in a divorce in this state. She was living at her parents house. She doesn't have a habit of thus type. I didn't ask my h about it because it was hard for her and she was showing early signs of depression then.
Her name was back to her maiden name when I met her that is the final issue in a divorce in this state. She was living at her parents house. She doesn't have a habit of thus type. I didn't ask my h about it because it was hard for her and she was showing early signs of depression then.
You really don't know when the divorce happened if this is all you are going on. Surely in the States a woman can use her maiden name any time she likes?
Look guys I love my wife! If you saw her and got to know her you would too. She is beautiful, smart, funny, quirky, fun to be around. I've been trying for 3 months to figure this out and stop it but she resists. She filed for the divorce, she got her own checking account, she found an apartment, etc... She is set on removing me from her life at this point. The more I do to stop it the angrier she becomes with me! I can't have her back if she doesn't love me anymore, what good would that do? I'm to the point now that I have to let her go and hope this bum shows his true colors and when that happens she realizes what I meant to her. Making her angry at this point would only work against me! Her famy knows how I've been through this and they are on my side all the way. If I kick her out shut off her phone, etc... I will become the Enemy to them and that won't help!
My daughter flat out doesnt want to talk about it and I respect that. She knows and she sees me as the bigger person in all of this that matters to me
Look guys I love my wife! If you saw her and got to know her you would too. She is beautiful, smart, funny, quirky, fun to be around. I've been trying for 3 months to figure this out and stop it but she resists. She filed for the divorce, she got her own checking account, she found an apartment, etc... She is set on removing me from her life at this point. The more I do to stop it the angrier she becomes with me! I can't have her back if she doesn't love me anymore, what good would that do? I'm to the point now that I have to let her go and hope this bum shows his true colors and when that happens she realizes what I meant to her. Making her angry at this point would only work against me! Her famy knows how I've been through this and they are on my side all the way. If I kick her out shut off her phone, etc... I will become the Enemy to them and that won't help!
My daughter flat out doesnt want to talk about it and I respect that. She knows and she sees me as the bigger person in all of this that matters to me
So what kind of help are you looking for here?
Her name was back to her maiden name when I met her that is the final issue in a divorce in this state. She was living at her parents house. She doesn't have a habit of thus type. I didn't ask my h about it because it was hard for her and she was showing early signs of depression then.
You really don't know when the divorce happened if this is all you are going on. Surely in the States a woman can use her maiden name any time she likes?
I'm positive the divorce was final I could even find the paperwork at the house and get the exact date but it doesn't matter. What happened here us she snapped when her dad got cancer and decided life is too short she then found him and he supplied the emotion of admiration and concern for her and she needed that she then told me we were done and went with him! It's totally out of character for her but her mind isn't right and I know this! She has lost a weight and seems uptight and nervous all the time but the bond between them is too strong for her to break at this point! It's taken me this long to accept this and I'm still in shock but I'm going to have to move forward and hope her relationshipexcused)
with him fails and she wants back. If that happens ill decide then what to do.
Look guys I love my wife! If you saw her and got to know her you would too. She is beautiful, smart, funny, quirky, fun to be around. I've been trying for 3 months to figure this out and stop it but she resists. She filed for the divorce, she got her own checking account, she found an apartment, etc... She is set on removing me from her life at this point. The more I do to stop it the angrier she becomes with me! I can't have her back if she doesn't love me anymore, what good would that do? I'm to the point now that I have to let her go and hope this bum shows his true colors and when that happens she realizes what I meant to her. Making her angry at this point would only work against me! Her famy knows how I've been through this and they are on my side all the way. If I kick her out shut off her phone, etc... I will become the Enemy to them and that won't help!
My daughter flat out doesnt want to talk about it and I respect that. She knows and she sees me as the bigger person in all of this that matters to me
So what kind of help are you looking for here?
I don't really know! I've been shocked and confused by all of this. I never thought I would be in this position and when it happened I started looking for answers. I've read all kinds of books that have all kinds of approaches to fixing the problem but none of them really hit home with me until I read, "His Needs Her Needs" That book hit the problem we are having right on the head and helped me understand what Im facing. Since that book was so helpful and I thought maybe the author might have a website that would support what he wrote so I came here, but the approach I'm getting here is not what I believe I need with my situation. I have many outside issues with my wifes depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that doesn't allow for me to use scare or bully tactics on her. Plus she doesn't want me in her life so I have no leverage in trying to stop her affair! It seems in most affairs the cheating spouse wants to keep their family. My wife at this point wants her kids and boyfriend and not me! I've come to the realization last evening that my only option is to let her go figure this out on here own and hope that maybe she sorts is out and realizes what I mean to her and this family!
I've read all kinds of books that have all kinds of approaches to fixing the problem but none of them really hit home with me until I read, "His Needs Her Needs" That book hit the problem we are having right on the head and helped me understand what Im facing. Since that book was so helpful and I thought maybe the author might have a website that would support what he wrote so I came here, but the approach I'm getting here is not what I believe I need with my situation. I have many outside issues with my wifes depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that doesn't allow for me to use scare or bully tactics on her. Plus she doesn't want me in her life so I have no leverage in trying to stop her affair! It seems in most affairs the cheating spouse wants to keep their family. My wife at this point wants her kids and boyfriend and not me! I've come to the realization last evening that my only option is to let her go figure this out on here own and hope that maybe she sorts is out and realizes what I mean to her and this family!
Forgive me if you've been asked this, but have your read Dr Harley's Surviving An Affair?
That is the book that you should re reading to guide you through his programme for affair busting and recovery.
Since you like HNHN and it resonated like no other book, then read the book specifically written to implement Dr H's anti-affair programme.
...your approach is offending to me! Feel better now?
Dude, I did you no harm. On an anonymous discussion board, I gave you fair warning about the ongoing potential danger POSOM presents to your child!
I might suggest you retain some of the belligerence you directed at me for the necessary confrontation with the scumbucket who is replacing you.
Of course, that cannot be done on an anonymous discussion board.....
You are in shock. You admit this. You never expected this. Understood. Now understand that a man who is in shock and never thought ahead about a particular possibility may not be the best source on information on how to solve said problem.
You came here asking if there is hope. We are telling you there is NOT unless you do what Dr. Harley has learned , over 40 years of dedicating his career to this subject. You are not the expert here. Far from it. So stop telling us what will and won't work. You have no idea!
Everytime someone tells you what to do, what has helped thousands of
Others, you argue. Stop talking and start listening. Get the SAA book and follow it to a tee. THAT is your only hope. Stand up for your marriage and stop telling us her drunken fog babble about how in lurve she is. It doesn't matter. They all say that. The plan remains the same.
If you can't/won't listen then I really don't know why you came here. Do you really want help??? If so, take it.
You have to understand a WW will rage at any sign of her BH trying to interfere with here affair.
The more effective a BH is at applying pressure to end WW's affair the more she will increase her level of rage towards the BH to get her BH to back down as she orchestrates her departure from the marriage.
Now we all know that your WW has you afraid go full out to fight to say your marriage.
We all know that you are losing your WW and family to the OM the way you are going.
You need to man up and follow the heavy hitters here on MB. MB's own Murderers Row swinging some heavy bats here. And you won't put them in the game for you. You just want them to stay on the bench and ignore them.
At this point you have lost your WW. So why be afraid to pull out all the tricks and use everyone of them.
All you are doing is making hot tea with lemon and honey for the fat lady's throat.
The real problem I have now is that she believes she loves him and she is only capable of loving one man and he is her choice! Going after him will only make them stronger against me! Bullying her is not a choice she will resist!
No Sir, the real problem is YOU and your lack of action. No one here told you to "bully" her. You don't understand what you are dealing with. You might know your wife, but you DO NOT KNOW the mind of a wayward spouse. WE DO. We already know she "loves" him. That is an inherent part of an affair. Her "love" for him is increased immeasurably by your enabling actions.
Going after him will not make them "stronger," it will create conflict in the affair. They are already STRONG from your enabling and appeasing.
It seems in most cases the spouse having the affair still wants their married spouse too.
Completely false assumption on your part.
I don't want my kids around him and she knows this but she tells me they are going to stay with their grandparents and does different when they are there. I have no legal right to keep them from going!
Yes, you do. If she has a legal right to take them around this scumbag predator, you have a right to take them away. You have abandoned your own children to an OM. You have handed your family over to this man without trying to stop him.
Now, the name calling I'm getting from some of you on this site isn't helping anything and its petty and small! I'm going what I can and what I feel is right I don't need your belittling!
No, you are NOT doing what you can. You have rolled over and handed your family to a scumbag. Rolling over is unhelpful and some day your daughters will remember you did this to them.
I am sorry you are offended by our words, but it is offensive to see a man who abandons his family to an OM like this. If there is any hope at all, you must stop the enabling. You are taking the LOWEST ROAD possible. What kind of a man just abandons his family like this?
She is set on removing me from her life at this point. The more I do to stop it the angrier she becomes with me!
See, your goal is to avoid her anger at all and ANY cost and ours is to save your marriage. You have made it impossible to save your marriage by enabling her affair.
She knows and she sees me as the bigger person in all of this that matters to me
No, she sees you as the wimp who rolled over at the first shot. A "big person" faces the assault on his marriage instead of running. Were the French being the "bigger person" when they surrendered to the Germans at the gates of the city?
It would be so helpful if the BH who had so many name changes who actually did what this guy is doing until after the divorce when he realized he'd gotten screwed out of money and time with his kids, were here.
What will you do when the kids ask you why you are letting mom get away with this?
What will you do if the OM molests one of your kids? Don't you love them? Then get them away from that guy!
[q I've come to the realization last evening that my only option is to let her go figure this out on here own and hope that maybe she sorts is out and realizes what I mean to her and this family!
Can I point out that your best thinking has led you to this terrible place and perhaps it is time to put that aside and listen to those here who have saved their marriages? You have no idea what you are doing and have just about lost your marriage with your own "realizations." Did you notice that?
You are not looking at this from a logical or a strategic standpoint and are as foggy as your wife. Your wife is not having an affair because she does not understand what you "mean to her." Your leaving has only enabled the affair to thrive and grow. You are out of sight, out of mind.
tdf,
You are on the road of Hope. Not the road to recovering your marriage. Hope does nothing, it ask for no action, causes no pain and results in no success. Hope springs eternal, because hope never ends.
I think you have gotten all the advice you need here. It is my "hope" you return in a few months or years and serve as a warning for those BH's who end up on the road of Hope.
Does anyone have the link to pom's thread? I think that was his name at the time, pom and a jumble of other letters, he was posting about fighting for time with his kids. The whole sordid story might be spread over several names, but I think that the most recent posting about his struggle (probably a couple years old) should be sufficient.