Hey all. Not happy to be here searching for advice/help. My wife of 3 years told me she wants a divorce right before the holiday weekend. Hard to fully explain everything, but i wasn't totally shocked. It did hurt bad though when it sunk in. Knowing we needed time apart, i packed up my essentials and moved out Sunday so we had some space to breath and think.

We've been living together a little over 5 years. Since day one we've had an amazing connection as a couple and have always made each other laugh and smile and feel loved by one another at any moment. At the same time we have endured almost everything a couple can. Finances were a nightmare, went through forclosure with the house. We were both hit extremely hard by the downed economy. My wife suffers from depression/anxiety and i believe some other sort of undiagnosed mental disorder. She started self medicating while out of work. It got bad to the point i was scared to death and pretty much checked out emotionally after trying to talk to her about it got me nothing but resentment and giant walls of defense from her. She checked herself into a rehab from an emergency after having a breakdown. Since that point things seemed to be on the side of up for the most part. Problem is, we have both suffering from unhappiness/depression individualy. Basically climbing into a hole and hiding.........apart

Since she dropped the D bomb on me, i've made it my mission to improve my self and get back to being the man i used to be. Strong and confident and looking forward to whatever was in front of me. Counseling, books, exercise you name it. I somehow lost that through all the tough times and i realize that my wife knows this. I can't help her/us if i'm not me. I called her a couple days after i left and told her i'm not accepting any idea of divorce until we give each other a chance to get ourselves fixed up a little to where we can try to work on making us "US" again. We've soldiered through way to much already, we just need to get our heads cleared of all the stress and unhappiness. She basically said that she is willing to give it a little time but that she had not changed her mind.

Well, the other day i received the cell phone bill. Seemed a little high as i had just changed our plan thinking it was going to save us a few bucks. As soon as started looking into it, i felt like i got the $#^% beat out of me......Hundreds of texts between my wife and a man she works with. All day every and into the night. One minute this guy is texting my wife, the next i'm kissing her on the cheek telling her i love you and goodnight. I don't know the content of the texts. I'm 99% sure that's all it is is texting because her schedule is solid with me and she really hasn't been acting more strange than usual. I'm basically feeling like my wife is just flat quitting me, thinking she has some lame excuse for an option. I called her on it and she just said he's been a good friend to me. riiiiight. I want to make it clear, I DON'T SHARE MY WIFE AND I WILL NEVER BE A DOORMAT FOR ANYBODY

How do i handle this and how do i keep my sanity

Welcome to MB and sorry for your pain that has brought you here.

Is this OM married? Do you have any kids?

Move back into your home. Read this.
Men Do Not Leave your Homes

I should add that i know this man and i've shook his hand. Even though i don't know the full extent of this i feel very disrespected by my wife and this guy. I'm wondering if i should contact him myself. He's recently single that i know of and he is recovering from addiction like my wife. I mean, the writing is alllll over the wall here

Spun,

Welcome to MB. I'm so sorry to hear about your wife. You've come to the right place. Listen to the advice and do what the vets here tell you. You can save your marriage if you choose.

Get the book Survivng an Affair and read it. Until then, click on the articles on this site.

Move home today.

Thank you very much for all the kind words. I'm trying real hard to stay cool and keep from losing it. One emotion to the next and on and on. My wife has always complained to me that i never show aany emotion. Well, she is sure learning me how. So you think i should get my a$$ back in the house with her? We don't fight so it doesn't worry me. I'm just in this mode of self preservation in the least. I feel like i need some time away from her to reset and gather my thoughts and emotions. She's never allowed me to vent them, all the while telling me to. The fact that there is possibly another man trying to woo MY girl tells me i should be there with her.

Yes get back home. Do not allow this to go physical if it hasn't already, but you need to calm down.

Love your fight, but MB is all about logic and plans and thinking above your emotions.

Can you get spyware on her phone?
Read this so you know how to act.
Carrot and Stick of Plan A
What are Plan A and Plan B

Ya' think?

yeah like i said if it HAS gone physical i truley would be shocked and i would definately know the road i would be taking. i'm going to struggle through another night and me and our dog will head for home first thing in the morning. she'll be happy to get a wake up call from him at least. as far as the spyware, i'm not going to go that far. i have all the details i want. i know how she would feel if i was texting another woman all hours of the day. funny how things work........

Well friend then if you're so confident it's an emotional affair then you need to expose.
Exposure 101

Demand she ends her affair and either OM or she will have to quit that job.

Also this.
"I encourage BH to confront OM" Dr. Harley

Pretty much understand that i have to let everybody know that i'm fighting for my marriage. i have spoken with her 2 best friends and let them know that i'm not quitting on my wife and that i know she has involvement with an OM. I don't get along with my MIL at all but i am planning on visiting her soon as well as her family since they have been very supportive of me through my wifes health troubles. I really need to nut up here. keep rolling with any advice you have, i will find it quite helpful.

and is it pretty much a bad idea to contact the OM? pretty sure it would not be all that difficult to let him know how i feel. he may very well mean no harm but thats really besides the point. he's already picked forbidden fruit in my opinion

Well, if you want to know what I think just read tdf's thread below yours.

Did you read the carrot and stick of plan A thread I posted to you?

Yes tell everyone you're fighting, but you need to expose all at once.

Does OM have facebook? Go to his facebook page and copy all his contacts and drop the bomb. Use the templates in the exposure thread so it comes across as strong, loving and fighting for your M.

What did her 2 best friends say? Are they going to call her and tell her to knock her cr*p off?

Did you read the thread that I titled "I encourage BHs to confront OM"? Dr. Harley recommends it.

yeah plan A seems to be the route i need to go. not sure about facebook since i don't use the social networking sites. it sounds like it would make more sense for me to just call him out, and i'm thinking i may very well do that. he will be the absolut last person i expose though. her friends are actually really good friends of mine at this point. they are 2 of the very few that have all the dirt on our marriage and i actually trust them. they were both suprised to hear that my wife is confiding in another man

You need to expose to family of his so they can put pressure on him to stop the affair. Also if he has married friends you can warn the husbands that they should keep their wives away from this POS.

The reason for exposure is to put pressure and help stop the affair and also give support to you.

Dr. Harley the founder of MB and a clinical psychologist with 40+ years of helping marriages, created these plans. If you want to save your marriage, you must follow the plans and exposure on OM's side is a big part of it.

Spun,
Expose to everyone who has any influence over these two. Your WW is living in a fantasy world. Expose it to the light of truth and it will come crashing down.

Don't warn them, that gives them time to due damage control. Tell her family, your family, his family and all your friends.

After that, call or go see him. Tell him he has dipped his spoon into the wrong honey pot and a swarm of trouble is headed his way. Most POSOM will drop the WW... It becomes to much trouble for him.

Good luck, now get to work.

I CONCUR! Most men who go after married women are cowards. When the situation gets too much drama he will flee

Well i looked up what viper said and thats pretty much my style. i dont need to so much as raise my voice a little to let this dude know that MY wife is off limits. i'm just gonna make all the stops tomorrow before i head home. look everybody in the face, like the man they all know i am, and tell everybody THE TRUTH about what my my wife has put me through. IM STILL HERE. i'm far from an angel and i have plenty of faults, and i have as much to do with this situation as my wife, but damnit i've tried way to gd hard to just let it all end

Please bump the BH confronting OM