Hey all. Not happy to be here searching for advice/help. My wife of 3 years told me she wants a divorce right before the holiday weekend. Hard to fully explain everything, but i wasn't totally shocked. It did hurt bad though when it sunk in. Knowing we needed time apart, i packed up my essentials and moved out Sunday so we had some space to breath and think.

We've been living together a little over 5 years. Since day one we've had an amazing connection as a couple and have always made each other laugh and smile and feel loved by one another at any moment. At the same time we have endured almost everything a couple can. Finances were a nightmare, went through forclosure with the house. We were both hit extremely hard by the downed economy. My wife suffers from depression/anxiety and i believe some other sort of undiagnosed mental disorder. She started self medicating while out of work. It got bad to the point i was scared to death and pretty much checked out emotionally after trying to talk to her about it got me nothing but resentment and giant walls of defense from her. She checked herself into a rehab from an emergency after having a breakdown. Since that point things seemed to be on the side of up for the most part. Problem is, we have both suffering from unhappiness/depression individualy. Basically climbing into a hole and hiding.........apart

Since she dropped the D bomb on me, i've made it my mission to improve my self and get back to being the man i used to be. Strong and confident and looking forward to whatever was in front of me. Counseling, books, exercise you name it. I somehow lost that through all the tough times and i realize that my wife knows this. I can't help her/us if i'm not me. I called her a couple days after i left and told her i'm not accepting any idea of divorce until we give each other a chance to get ourselves fixed up a little to where we can try to work on making us "US" again. We've soldiered through way to much already, we just need to get our heads cleared of all the stress and unhappiness. She basically said that she is willing to give it a little time but that she had not changed her mind.

Well, the other day i received the cell phone bill. Seemed a little high as i had just changed our plan thinking it was going to save us a few bucks. As soon as started looking into it, i felt like i got the $#^% beat out of me......Hundreds of texts between my wife and a man she works with. All day every and into the night. One minute this guy is texting my wife, the next i'm kissing her on the cheek telling her i love you and goodnight. I don't know the content of the texts. I'm 99% sure that's all it is is texting because her schedule is solid with me and she really hasn't been acting more strange than usual. I'm basically feeling like my wife is just flat quitting me, thinking she has some lame excuse for an option. I called her on it and she just said he's been a good friend to me. riiiiight. I want to make it clear, I DON'T SHARE MY WIFE AND I WILL NEVER BE A DOORMAT FOR ANYBODY

How do i handle this and how do i keep my sanity

Welcome to MB and sorry for your pain that has brought you here.

Is this OM married? Do you have any kids?

Move back into your home. Read this.
Men Do Not Leave your Homes

I should add that i know this man and i've shook his hand. Even though i don't know the full extent of this i feel very disrespected by my wife and this guy. I'm wondering if i should contact him myself. He's recently single that i know of and he is recovering from addiction like my wife. I mean, the writing is alllll over the wall here

Spun,

Welcome to MB. I'm so sorry to hear about your wife. You've come to the right place. Listen to the advice and do what the vets here tell you. You can save your marriage if you choose.

Get the book Survivng an Affair and read it. Until then, click on the articles on this site.

Move home today.

Thank you very much for all the kind words. I'm trying real hard to stay cool and keep from losing it. One emotion to the next and on and on. My wife has always complained to me that i never show aany emotion. Well, she is sure learning me how. So you think i should get my a$$ back in the house with her? We don't fight so it doesn't worry me. I'm just in this mode of self preservation in the least. I feel like i need some time away from her to reset and gather my thoughts and emotions. She's never allowed me to vent them, all the while telling me to. The fact that there is possibly another man trying to woo MY girl tells me i should be there with her.

Yes get back home. Do not allow this to go physical if it hasn't already, but you need to calm down.

Love your fight, but MB is all about logic and plans and thinking above your emotions.

Can you get spyware on her phone?
Read this so you know how to act.
Carrot and Stick of Plan A
What are Plan A and Plan B

Ya' think?

yeah like i said if it HAS gone physical i truley would be shocked and i would definately know the road i would be taking. i'm going to struggle through another night and me and our dog will head for home first thing in the morning. she'll be happy to get a wake up call from him at least. as far as the spyware, i'm not going to go that far. i have all the details i want. i know how she would feel if i was texting another woman all hours of the day. funny how things work........

Well friend then if you're so confident it's an emotional affair then you need to expose.
Exposure 101

Demand she ends her affair and either OM or she will have to quit that job.

Also this.
"I encourage BH to confront OM" Dr. Harley

Pretty much understand that i have to let everybody know that i'm fighting for my marriage. i have spoken with her 2 best friends and let them know that i'm not quitting on my wife and that i know she has involvement with an OM. I don't get along with my MIL at all but i am planning on visiting her soon as well as her family since they have been very supportive of me through my wifes health troubles. I really need to nut up here. keep rolling with any advice you have, i will find it quite helpful.

and is it pretty much a bad idea to contact the OM? pretty sure it would not be all that difficult to let him know how i feel. he may very well mean no harm but thats really besides the point. he's already picked forbidden fruit in my opinion

Well, if you want to know what I think just read tdf's thread below yours.

Did you read the carrot and stick of plan A thread I posted to you?

Yes tell everyone you're fighting, but you need to expose all at once.

Does OM have facebook? Go to his facebook page and copy all his contacts and drop the bomb. Use the templates in the exposure thread so it comes across as strong, loving and fighting for your M.

What did her 2 best friends say? Are they going to call her and tell her to knock her cr*p off?

Did you read the thread that I titled "I encourage BHs to confront OM"? Dr. Harley recommends it.

yeah plan A seems to be the route i need to go. not sure about facebook since i don't use the social networking sites. it sounds like it would make more sense for me to just call him out, and i'm thinking i may very well do that. he will be the absolut last person i expose though. her friends are actually really good friends of mine at this point. they are 2 of the very few that have all the dirt on our marriage and i actually trust them. they were both suprised to hear that my wife is confiding in another man

You need to expose to family of his so they can put pressure on him to stop the affair. Also if he has married friends you can warn the husbands that they should keep their wives away from this POS.

The reason for exposure is to put pressure and help stop the affair and also give support to you.

Dr. Harley the founder of MB and a clinical psychologist with 40+ years of helping marriages, created these plans. If you want to save your marriage, you must follow the plans and exposure on OM's side is a big part of it.

Spun,
Expose to everyone who has any influence over these two. Your WW is living in a fantasy world. Expose it to the light of truth and it will come crashing down.

Don't warn them, that gives them time to due damage control. Tell her family, your family, his family and all your friends.

After that, call or go see him. Tell him he has dipped his spoon into the wrong honey pot and a swarm of trouble is headed his way. Most POSOM will drop the WW... It becomes to much trouble for him.

Good luck, now get to work.

I CONCUR! Most men who go after married women are cowards. When the situation gets too much drama he will flee

Well i looked up what viper said and thats pretty much my style. i dont need to so much as raise my voice a little to let this dude know that MY wife is off limits. i'm just gonna make all the stops tomorrow before i head home. look everybody in the face, like the man they all know i am, and tell everybody THE TRUTH about what my my wife has put me through. IM STILL HERE. i'm far from an angel and i have plenty of faults, and i have as much to do with this situation as my wife, but damnit i've tried way to gd hard to just let it all end

Please bump the BH confronting OM

He is performing wicked deeds.
Don't defend him.
Hold him accountable through exposure

That's what I'm talking about. A man standing up for his wife and his marriage.

Read Surviving An Affair, you can find it at most book stores or here on this site.

Keep posting so you can get help with the next steps.

Got get her back.

you are all right. he IS performing wicked deeds, and he WILL be held accountable. I will NOT defend him nor my wife in this matter. I have years and years of stress and struggle buried inside me, i'm basically a bubbling volcano. if it erupts then everybody better run, i'm digging deep to avoid that. like i said in my OP, i've taken the steps to better myself, i've seen a doc and i will be seeing another doc in a couple days. i started working out again which i really don't even need to do. i've ordered a bag of books to educate myself on every problem i face in my life at this point. i'm gonna wake up tomorrow and basically take over MY world. I owe it to myself

Exercise is a good idea, put some of that anger to good use. Go for a jog when you want to pound his face in for example. You could end up quite buff, which will be quite attractive to your W.

Don't go to a gym, though. As a BS you're already at risk for a revenge affair (RA), and gyms are hotbeds for potential affairs. You must keep your guard up in this period, which you seem to be doing already.

guard is definately up. I work fairly hard to keep it all going and am quite fit as is, but sweating out some of the feelings i'm having seems to help out quite a bit. I'm not at all like most of the jabronies that are at the gym. And if i caught that right, it sounds like if i do end up single i should maybe join a gym lol. There's no chance for a RA with me. I'm faithful to all that i should be faithful to. I may be stressed, depressed and angry, but i am full of morals and self respect. Ma raised me right

The whole idea of the EA is gut wrenching, has literaly made me sick. I just had a good talk with my mother, basically let it all out with her and she started crying.....so did i. I'm hurting bad. I've turned into the not so strong and silent type

Hi Spun, Welcome to MB I am sorry for the pain that brings you here.

After reading your first post I wanted to add that even though you wife's time has been accounted for it is still possible for an EA/PA with a co-worker during lunch times and work hours. Sometimes there aren't any obvious signs.

Prior to D Day I never suspected my WH was having an A with his subordinate co worker. He left for work and returned home at the usual times and was with the family the entire weekend each weekend. There were no changes to our interactions.

It wasn't until bomb drop when he announced our marriage wasn't working that he started to "work longer hours" At the time I thought it was a MLC all my research seemed to verify this an A never crossed my mind. Sadly I learned what the pyschologists termed MLC signs were purely wayward behaviour. Two weeks late I discovered the A.

In hindsight a clue was he password protected his phone. He never had a password before. He told the family it was to stop our daughter and youngest son from playing games etc on his work phone. I trusted him completely and he was the last person I thought would have an A so this seemed reasonable at the time.

I know you are hurting,it is painful when our spouse is the reason for that pain. Take care of yourself, exercise (its a great outlet) try to eat, sleep and be prepared for the wave of emotions you will experience. Post any time you need advice or support, there is always someone who will respond and help you through this.

Spun Welcome to MB

Did you know that DR Harley ran and supervised 10 clinics for years for drug abuse, and addiction? Your in the right place Spun, because he has heard it all..

He also does not try to counsel marriages unless drug/alcohol abuse is under control, because it is like the old adage.."They are in love with the bottle/drug"

I would bet dollars to donuts she is using with this guy, and because drugs are a fantasy, just like affairs and that low life behavior, or cheating and so on...you are in the right place...

I came here after my wives death from addiction, and I am trying to help people see, that What the Dr. says, is pretty much right on, and help them avoid the disaster..


I would bring her to the best place to treat her using, and seek Dr Hs advice, to prevent any more pain

Thats right Spun, and you have to end this one way or another, ASAP, because it is a mental sickness, and it will bring you down too.

enduring another sleepless night. Anger has set in. I'm angry at my wife for putting me through this. I'm angry at this pos for making a connection with MY wife. I'm angry at all of the friends and family that haven't listened to me or helped me through my struggles. Angry at myself for getting weak. My wife just celebrated her 7th month of sobriety. 7 months ago I caught her slipping and it was a very low point for us both. I can't see herself going back to where she used to be, it was soooo bad. Adivan and cheap wine aren't easy to hide. She is proud of what she has done, and so am I. She has been in therapy and attends AA occasionally. She is not using. I hate the fact that my wife and OM connected because of recovery. Where was he when I would come home after a 14 hour day, to a wife that was passed out to the point where I couldn't wake her? Where was he when I was at the hospital in the middle of the night with my wife when her withdrawals were causing violent anxiety attacks? Where was he when my wife spent 4months in rehab and I was supporting us? HUH?! WHeRE?! WHY AM I NOT THE WS LOOKING FOR A WAY TO GTFO?! I remember my vows and I HONOR them, THAT'S WHY!

Yes you are honoring them,and she is not..

Yes I know the frustration of having so-called friends, and them not really helping, or listening, even in the church I attended.

I honored my commitments before I attended the church, and took good care of my body,(because I became a diabetic, and worked and paid my way. Always have since I was young)

Its not your fault Spun, and beating yourself up,(Yeah I did it too),is not the answer my man.. You cannot work hard enough to get her respect. You might just become her cuckold, as she pleads.."I can't help myself"

Adivan and wine? Yeah downers.. My wife had always had a taste for drinking, and would never go to AA, and she got into heavyer drugs when my daughter who was he oldest turned about 16..My daughter is now 27 and my wife died 3 years ago from her abuse of heroin..crack cocaine..drinking and smoking..which I have taken the physical beating working like a dog all these years.

I bet you are a fighter, and willing to fight for your wife, tooth and nail..but you can't take it out on yourself..you will just build resentment. My resentment is still high, and I hope to get over it in the next four years, but its a process that has to run its course.

Until then I will try to help others, and will always help others probably, even after I stop taking it personal..

The bonds of marriage are the most rewarding in life, and the real challange before God IMO..To that truth this site, and Dr Harleys life work, is dedicated..

How about working out some of those emotions? I like martial arts, the Katas, and the discipline..It has allways been a release for me. But just a punching bag might help, so you can tire yourelf out, and get some sleep. Or maybe a run around the block. You know what I mean..

Hang in there my friend

Anger is understandable but it is something you need to avoid at all costs directed at or in front of your WW. Have you read the basic concepts and plan A? You need to expose the affair (and to his people too), go back to your home, put spyware on her phone and key logger on computer, she needs to quit her job pronto, and YOU need to be rock solid...NO anger, depression, just meet all her needs and fill up her love bank. Read about LoveBusters and emotional needs, it is the cornerstone of this program.

Good advice..I know your peeved, but this program helps, so stay cool and determined..

Spun, if the dude has been exchanging hundreds of texts with your wife -- another man's wife -- then there is absolutely zero possibility that he "means no harm."

The fact that you would even consider this for a second that tells me that you need to take a deep breath & focus on being cool & analytical (and I do see from your subsequent posts that you are starting to realize this).

Man, just over 4 years ago, I got myself into an affair with a married woman. In that case, it was her doing most of the chasing and just about all of the calling & texting, but I wasn't "meaning no harm". Every step of the way, I was keeping my options open: ready to back off if confronted, but ready to go a little further, just because I'd let myself get so screwed-up & selfish that I thought I was entitled to a different set of rules than the ones I'd been following all my life. That sort of conduct is not harmless in any respect.

My message for you is that you CAN bust up this affair; and while that won't guarantee that you'll be able to save your marriage, busting up the affair is at least necessary in order to give you a fighting chance to do so.

Here's where "cool" comes in: You need to marshal your evidence strategically. You need to be your best, James Bond-style polite & Special Forces-style secret, not tipping your cards. DO NOT WARN the affairees' contacts, bosses, friends or family members before you expose this to them! Exposure works best if it hits the affairees without warning. It obliterates the little fake fantasy-world that they've constructed, forces them to confront people's distaste -- the distaste of people whose esteem they value -- for infidelity. It makes them realize that they're no longer in control of developments in their lives. And for one of both of them, it just might slap them back to the reality that an affair is a lousy & sordid way to go, and that in the light of day & light of truth, there's no way it can ever look good or feel right. Read the Exposure 101 thread & expose to all of those people.

And yes, get the hell back in your home & stay there. Otherwise there's a good chance that she'll end up doing him in your bed, to save on hotel.

Do not discuss "divorce" with your wife. Offer to discuss marriage.

And through all of this, be prepared for the very real possibility that this is & has been a physical affair already. Divorce is a pretty big step, and it seems unusual that a woman would opt for this until she realizes that she's burned some major bridges, so to speak. At that point, you can try to save the marriage, but you also can walk away feeling that you've given it your best shot, with no dishonor.

Hang in there, be strong & stay cool.

Thank you all very much for the positive words. I need it bad. I'll be home in an hour, gonna be quite interesting to say the least. I'll keep you all posted, wish me strength

so i spent the entire day with the wife yesterday. To my fault we haven't done that in a long time. I stopped and picked ap a x-mas tree knowing it would make her happy. That and i had our dog with me. I was at a minimum of 2-0 going into it. When i arrived, she had just gotten up and appaently scared the ss*#$ out of her, so she was actually reieved to see that it was just me busting in.

It was a miserable rainy day, so we pretty much had nothing more tto do then clean the place and watch movies or foortball or whatever. I made some cracks about how basically she had not done much since i had been away for the week. Not suprised, she's never been much of a homemaker. First thing i did after our hi how you doin's was get the dishes cleaned and that got her vaccuuming. Then we we laid our arses on the couch and picked out a movie to watch. It was kind of nice

That was the bulk of our day. She asked if i wanted to go on a walk with the dog, which i normally never did with her. I know that is something that has always bothered her. I was taking a step in the right direction by doing this one simple little thing. Part of all my learning and making an effort at self improvement since the D bomb has been to try to look at myself through her eyes. When I do it consciously, i find it to be quite easy. I'm retraining my subconscience, basically. In good time i will have this part of myself back to where I/my marriage needs it to be.

I ran out to the deli to get us lunch and when i got back she was in the shower. I immediately snatched up her phone and started diggin'.......nothing. Pretty much proved to me that whatever is going on she is hiding. She paid next to no attention to her phone all day, so i was definately distracting her.

She had complained all afternoon that she had a headache. When darkness set in, i looked at her and asked how she was feeling. She said she felt nauseous. "Are you alright?" i asked. She said "no, i really don't feel good at all." She instantly started to cry. I moved over to her to console her a little and asked what's the matter. "It's just hard" she said. "What's hard?" "Us. Everything that's going on with us." So i asked "what's going on with us?"..........."I don't want to talk about it right now" she said

We went to bed and had a decent night of sleep, i needed it real bad. Woke up and headed out for monday. I feel like i dominated day one of figuring out this mess. My wife is obviously a mess and is confused and in my opinion feels some guilt. I know it's going to get ugly, as i'm trying to figure out the best way to go about exposing to everybody in one day. I'm shooting for wednesday, which reminds me wednesday i see a pshychologist for the first time of my life. I'll be keeping up with my snooping, digging up more evidence. I'll be home waiting for her when she gets home. i'm looking forward to the reaction, will be the start of a long week

Good Luck Spun

Good Luck, Stay Calm, Be positive... Let everyone know you want to work on your marriage.

Before exposure, get a mini-audio recorder and keep it on your person and "on" whenever you and she are together. However much she screams at you, you would only need to be accused once of screaming in response to be TRO'd out of your home.

Thanks all. At some point yesterday morning she asked what had gotten into me. i half laughed and said "nothing, really. you just struck a match." When she dropped the D bomb, i slowly realized that i had an epiphany. I don't need to change myself. I don't need to do things differently. I need to get MYSELF back, is all. I'm am making a commitment to improve. That's not to say that i neccessarily NEED to, it's that i am pushing myself to WANT to. My wife is going to realize that she has and is now making a big mistake. I know in my heart that i was like a sleeping dog, and i let her and i let myself allow me to lie far too long. This is going to be difficult and i know it will be much more before anything gets better, but everyday i am feeling at least a little better about MYSELF. Wednesday i'm going to see a doc that i never felt i needed to see for any reason. I have learned that I DO need to vent to objective ears and hear objective thoughts. I'm actually looking forward to this, i may learn alot about MYSELF. I'm trying, hard. When it's all said and done i hope to accept whatever comes of my situation knowing that i gave my best. We all fall. Everybody will see, most importantly me, that i always get back up. I made my wife's head spin yesterday, and it made me feel empowered. I will take control of MY situation, then work on ours

This is extremely important

gonna pick one up. this makes perfect sense, really

Monitoring her texting. Un&@#*%+#bbelievable

Chill. Get control over your emotions. Having that recorder prove that you lost your cool with her at the crisis will NOT help your situation.

Save the texts. Include them in your exposure package. KNOW that she will go [censored] crazy when her infidelities become semi-public knowledge.

ITA with NG. If you must get angry, go running and put the anger to good use.

Save and print the texts and put them somewhere secure, like a safe to which only you have the key or (preferably) a safe-deposit box.

Sony makes a good digital recorder that you can get at Walmart. Capable of a microphone and headphones..cost about $50.

Everyone is telling you to keep your cool, and I am too. This is not a warm-blooded animal that has attacked you, and has no sympathy, so in turn, it would have none if you took off the guys head and put it on a stick in your front yard..you would still go to the clink and she would be raising the children without you

Thats the hard facts Im sorry.

I hope you are reading around the site and taking all the precautions, and besides a hard workout routine, I would suggest a counselor, one old enough to b able to advise you, and one familiar with DR Harleys body of work.

Your gonna get thru this,,just keep a cool head

We do not have children, thank god. My doc referred me to a psychologist (who i see in a couple of days), saying I need to get my stress under control. I am physically fit, mentally I'm at rock bottom. I had an anxiety attack sat night, learned that they are real and really do exist. Wow. That made me realize how bad of a place I'm in mentally. I got home tonight wondering what I was in for. Not the same woman from yesterday, that's for sure. My wife was recently prescribed a pretty heavy AD medication, which she was obviously on. She is HIGH. We got into a talk, TV got shut off. She got right into the D and how she wanted me to take papers home with me. Told her how I was home and that I wasn't interested in looking at any paperwork. She pushed, I dug in my heels. Really could have used the recorder, because every second I stayed cool, she got louder and more frustrated. I told her to be honest with me, and give me a good reason for not working on our relationship. I've owned it and have put the right foot forward. Well, as usual, she couldn't handle the conversation anymore and ran out telling me not to be here when she gets back. I called her sister, who I haven't talked to since the D bomb. She now knows about my strong suspicion and gave her a name to remember. I've started. Wife got home, me cozy on the couch enjoying my tv. Dropped an uninteresting looking manilla envelope on the coffee table. It won't move from that spot by way of my hand

I know I could possibly be much better off. Seriously somebody just tell me to run away

Spun,
when you called your SIL, did you tell her that her sister was involved in an affair? You said you gave her a name, but did you tell her why?

Why would you run. It's your house, if she wants out, she can leave.

Like even Dr. H says. Your WW has given you a "get out of marriage card". You are the only person that can make that decision for yourself.

Let me just ask one thing. If you walked away today, right now, can you look at yourself and know you've tried everything?

If yes, then you may have your answer.

Yeah I'm bringing it all to light. SIL knows, her best friends know her mother will be getting a visit tomorrow (not that the wedge will care), and I've put the word out to her extended family. The s&$@ will be hitting the fan tomorrow. The thing is, life has been HARD in the time we've been together and a big part of all my stress has been how my wife has handled it. When I truly need her, she hasn't always been there. That does kind of make me wonder if all of this sickness I'm feeling is even worth it. posOM is getting a simple text right now. IS IT WORTH IT?

It's up to you. Expose as fast and far as possible.

If you want to leave then you can.
It's your choice.
Mine was more complicated because I had kids.
I will tell you this. There are people on this site that have basically been trying to be their spouses parole officer for months, sometimes years after an affair.

The only hope of having a good marriage is if the affair died and both you and your wife commited to following the affair recovery plan in Surviving an Affair.
It is hard work.
But just as their are spouses on here that act as full time parole officers, there are also spouse on here that have worked this program and have great marriages today.

At this point, I think you should do the following

1. Gather evidence of affair
2. Start stashing money away secretly.
3. Keep recorder on you at all times (even in bed) I had to hide mine in my underwear. You don't want to be arrested falsely.
4. Read about plan A. And follow it. Make love bank deposits and avoid angry outbursts and disrespectful judgements. It is better to walk away than to argue
5. Expos� the affair in one day. This is done by emailing and Facebook all family and friends and the other mans family and friends. If the affair is in the workplace then you expose to the company.

Since you already have explicit text messages you need to expose ASAP.
Please read the exposure 101 thread and prepare and Exposure letter.
Can you commit to posting that here for review within the next 12 hours?

Who are you exposing to on OM's side?

Your other option is to just leave.
If you rent, and have your own vehicle and don't want to fight for your marriage then you have every right to leave.
She has broken the marriage contract. Even the Bible, the strictest book concerning divorce, allows it in cases of adultery. God knows that adultery is harmful and painful. Of all te greatest sins, God listed adultery as one of the top 10.

If you want to call it quits I suggest you contact an attorney prior to making any actions

As said by others, only you can make the decision of whether you stay or not..

Without children, it would be easy ,(sorta), for me, what the right thing to do would be..

A good will wish for her, and I would take the loss and go lick my wounds in private..

That is no easy task either Spun, if you love her..even if she doesn't love you, or show it..

She is high you say..Let me tell you what the nurse in the hospital told me, when I confided in her, about my wifes long addiction issues,and now she was dieing of cancer..getting morphine and dilautin pumped in her, and she was still unrepentant about how she had killed herself, and how everyone was scared to death, because we were losing her..

The nurse said that it is the people who are not drugged, or taking them, that suffer the most, the sick or terminally ill do not feel the emotions, because they are so drugged up, or down in the case of depressants..like heroin or adivan/tranquilizers, or alcohol.. All drugs that calm down the emotions, while hiding the pain..

Whether you leave her or not, she needs treatment for the drugs she willingly chose to use, and the mindset that got her to the place of self medication..You can encourage her as her Husband, or her freind, but until she has those under control, she will spiral down.

She is in no shape to be a wife, and you can only show her the way, if she will take it is up to her.

She can get these things under control, I believe that, and like I said, Dr H ran clinics for drug abuse, even before he became a marriage counselor, and knows the connections to the brain..

He might be able to guide you to a clinic and their philosophy, on how to handle this... instead of it becoming all "your fault", I would definatly not let it go there..

Myself, because I was such a Knight in Shining Armor fool, it went there, eventually, because I would not accept that I had no control over what she did...don't make that mistake, she knows exacly what she is doing, as foolish as it is..

She needs help getting ahold of herself, and you need help in negotiating this time in your life. Get and take the help my good man, this is no joke, its your life

Thanks all. CP, your last 2 sentences there are so right on the money. The hardest part of my marriage is dealing with the fact that my wife flat out can NOT cope. With anything. She called me this morning after she left the house telling me how she can't do this, i'm making things difficult, don't be there when i get home blah blah blah. She sounded exactly like the teacher in a peanuts cartoon. I hate that i have to say that that's the way i hear my wife. I can't help my wife one single bit, I have proven it to myself over and over and over again. All i can do is help myself, which i aim to do. It would be so easy for me to walk away right now, and not look back into the mess that my life seems to have turned into in the recent years. But there's a couple of big problems....I'm no punk and I do love my wife and i want to care for her. It's almost like she doesn't even know what being loved and cared for is anymore. Fantasyland can't possibly be a good place to be. Could it?
I'm expecting fireworks tonight, hope i can keep myself together

It's quite funny how she expects YOU to be the one to leave the house, when she is the one who mucked up things.

Definitely do NOT do that, no matter how much she rages.

I spoke with her uncle last night and all he could say was "those girls have their demons", speaking of the wife and her mom and sister. Ugh........

If you go home without that recorder, you will have shown yourself to be a fool of great density.

Just sayin'.....

It's flat out hilarious that she expects anything from me right now. I'm just her husband, though. I have a recorder also. She will tell me she doesn't want to talk about it (that's what she's always done), then start screaming at me (because she is riddled with shame and guilt), then start throwing things (just a hunch), then start throwing up (because of all the shame and guilt), and then finally she will leave (because she can't cope)
If my wife knew me half as much as i knew her, this isn't what would be happening

She'll yell and throw things until she throws up???

I thought people stopped doing that when they were four.

Boy she sure is in full "get him to stop questioning!!!" mode.

Yeeeppp. She just told me via text that she's filing papers this week. I called her and told her to call me when she has a minute. She called and oh boy, she's pissed.

She is angry because "you called all my friends and all my family and *$&% talked me all over. I'm done! I'm not talking to you about anything but the bills and our stuff, thats it!"

I told her that guilt hurts and she says she has absolutely nothing to be guilty about. You know what.......I quit. It's just not worth it to me right now. I lost her a long time ago. She lost herself, really.
Too bad, 'cause she's gonna miss me when i'm gone.

That is typical babble about exposure. Don't chat about your exposing, just offer a potato chip and say something along the lines of "I am willing to do whatever it takes to recover our marriage"

Are you quite sure that you are ready to quit?

Right now, your feelings are going to be all over the board. One moment, you will want to work it out at all costs, and the next, you'll regret even marrying her. That's why you should plug along with MB plans until your emotions are more level. This way, you will KNOW that you did all that you could, and you can move on without any regrets.

Spun, all you can do when you hear that kind of nonsense from her is laugh your butt off.

If you had told all her friends & family that she bought a new, blue blouse, there'd be no problem.
The problem isn't that you told 'em; the problem is what she did. What made it "*$&%" is the *$&% that she's been doing. That's on her, not on you. She *$&% on her own reputation -- you didn't do that. For her to suggest otherwise is, uh, bat*$&%-crazy. That's all ya can say.

Spun,

Commit to not making any life changing decisions for 4 weeks. This will give you time to sort through your thoughts and time for her rage to die down. Keep on exposing, it's like water on a flame.... It will kill it eventually.

Stay strong. Prayers for you and yours.

Yeah, and moving on is gonna be hard too. But you owe it to yourself..

Stick with it here, because you are not alone, in this crazy crap that you are experiencing..

Be very careful, and make sure everything is recorded and documented, because it will be nessesary for your protection..

I quit because she's irrational. I quit because she "doesn't care". I quit because the only thing i care about right now is me. I need to be away from her for awhile. I'm flat wore out on getting a finger poked in my chest by my wife of all people. And she is bat *$%& crazy, that's how things are the way they are now. I'm done blaming myself for anything.

I did laugh at her reaction, because it's laughable. I can play dirtier than you, wife. One thing i won't take is dishonesty. Everybody acts so shocked when i tell them about a posOM being allowed in my marriage. WAKE UP EVERYBODY, WIFE HAS ISSUES AND NOBODY CARES. So at least now when i feel alone, I can BE alone. I feel better right now than I have in 2 weeks. I'm not making any effort to contact my wife whatsoever at this point. When she wants to talk, I'll listen and hear nothing. When she wants to listen, things will change.

Tomorrow I'm seeing a psychologist that my doc referred me to. A woman pshychologist no less. Probably a good thing. I have a lot of buried ^&%$ to get out of me and I hope this helps.
My support system is strong, i'm really lucky. Love my people. Everybody here has given me good advice, and i greatly appreciate it. You all know how I'm feeling, it ain't good and I wish nobody to feel what I feel. Straight kicked in the gut. Seems like all I hanging onto right now is my pride and I'm losing my grip.

I will dig up my thread after I have contact with my wife. She's a full blown mess right now and there's no way in he11 I can get through to her in any way right now. So I'm checkin' out. The road to nowhere is better left untraveled for me right now. That's the way I see it.

MB not only helps betrayed spouses recover their marriage, it also helps them recover personally. I would know.

I understand your pain, and your reaction. This is a real blow. Before you leave MB, why don't you take a look around at other people's stories, GJM, Marksay, etc. Men whose marriages ended in a divorce, but they tried MB full on, and can move forward without an ounce of regret, and have learned how to be better husbands to their future wives.

And even if you do decide to quit, you can get lots of helpful advice here on lawyers and such. Deciding to divorce doesn't mean we can't help.

I encourage you to stick with either plan a or plan b.
You can leave in plan b and never talk to her.

In business we have to have plans for everything in order to survive.
The same applies in this situation

Thank you Scotland. That is my life goal right now. I want me back, and while i'm getting me back i will improve myself in the process. I am at a point where I feel as if i've never had a chance with my wife. The first negative thing that went down in our relationship lit a fire that i still can't extinguish. Fight or Flight? You see here who the fighter is. It's sad. She's a good woman when she chooses to be, she's far from it right now. She can't be talked to. when she's confronted, she leaves. I'm not going to chase her. I'm at my breaking point, I need to rest my thoughts, regroup, and focus on myself for a bit. I haven't had a chance to do that in a long, long time. I need it, i deserve it and I want it. I have lost a large bit of myself that I need back and i'm goin' to get it.

lol i am definately on to plan B!

If you're going to enter Plan B, do it right.

The first vital step is the writing of a Plan B Letter, or PBL. Think of it as a love-letter to the darling your wife formerly was, while simultaneously a goodbye to the wretch your wife currently is.

I am not an expert at Plan B, never having had to go into one. There are experts here, and examples of PBL's on this site, or readily provideable by colleagues.

MB is the site to help married folks recover from the damages of infidelity. The best "recovery" could be Plan B morphing into Plan D for you. Stay here with us to ease your path.

There was a caller very similar to you on today's Radio Show. Minus his kids.

His wife had depression and Dr Harley explained the challenges that poses in a marriage. He said both partners must be mentally and physically healthy for the marriage to thrive.
He explained chronically depressed people will often self medicate with alcohol, drugs or affairs to get a quick feeling of good.

I went back and couldn't find this and so if I missed it I apologize.

Whom did you expose to on OM's side?

I watched my wife go through hell with the self medication. It DAMAGED me as far as our relationship went. Adivan + a bottle of red = (fill in the blank). I was coming home to a comotose wife. I tried so hard to get through to her in the nicest ways possible. Having to talk to a grown adult like they're a child is not right. I have never felt so alone in my life. It was an extremely difficult situation for me to handle. I couldn't handle it, really. She has been diagnosed as suffering from depression/anxiety, but i believe there is alot more to it then that. She responds very poorly to every medication she has been prescribed......here i go again
I want you all to know that i'm not leaving the site. I have found you all to be good hearted and helpful. I hate that i'm here, but at the same time i'm very happy to have found you.
I had dinner with my folks. They helped remind me that i'm a good man with a big heart and that i deserve the best that life has to offer. They are proud of who i am. They remind me of all of these things that my wife has been sucking out of me. I love my wife with all i have, and i don't like saying isn't much right now. She is going to a place that i don't choose to go right now and i will worry about her always. I honestly don't see her squashing her demons without help from the people that love her, which in my view means me. Scares me that she's running from the sole person in her life that has genuinely cared for her

Just remember, that it is not selfish to pursue this, and is the purpose of every marriage, with guidance..

Us men are challenged all the time, and sometimes we are suckers that try to be the Knight in Shining armor..

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders..Stick around and be improved.

"Guard your heart, out of it come the issues of life."

This crap strikes at our very core..

Spun, Plan B will be good for you as it removes you from the drama and allows you to focus on your personal recovery.

Words of wisdom CP. I have definately been a challenged in alot of ways over the last few years, especially with my wife and my marriage. It hurts me to have watched a good thing go bad, and it seemed like i was just trying to avoid that at best. It's taken a ton out of me and it's taking a ton more to push forward. And happy, after how today went for me, that's what's in my best interest for sure. She has made it very clear to me that she doesn't want to be around me. So i am choosing to not be around her for ME, NOT for her at. There is no help for the hurt being together right now

Spun, you have been to hell and back. The betrayal of an A is painful but often its the wayward behaviour that is the most painful. It's good you have chosen Plan B for your recovery, I hope you find some peace soon. Just be aware even in Plan B there are highs and lows, keep posting the support from fellow MBers really helps during these times.

Whatever decision you have made, I know we'll have our support here

And yes, I love how you know you are great with confidence and what a good person deserve

I think that you should take a few days, and just be, and then you can go gung-ho into Plan A, and see how you feel. I know this sounds weird, but during Plan A, MANY BSs start to feel empowered. Being in PLan A, you learn to become the person you want to be in a relationship. It isn't about the WS, at all. The reading and learning you do during Plan A isn't wasted if your current marriage isn't saved. An it makes a more effective entry into Plan B.

Happy Wednesday everybody. Saw the new doc today, turned out to be a preliminary deal to kind of gauge where i was at and why i was there. A little confused as to why all these docs push meds so hardcore, they aren't for everybody. I told this dr that i wasn't interested in taking any medications. Basically i told her i need to sbout out my frustrations and learn the tools to work out my stress and emotion. She seemed somewhat bothered by this??? Anyways she referred me to a therapist that i will see in a week.

The W sent me a text asking how my appt went and if i was going to be home tonight....I sent back that my appt went ok and that i will be seeing a therapist in a week. That's it. 10 minutes later, obviously annoyed she says "good. what about tonight?" Why would she think I would be there? Because I enjoy the hostility? Beacause it's not a comfortable place for me right now? Beacause it's not happy there? What gives woman, i left. remember?

If the doc you saw was a psychiatrist, they act that way because for most of them, prescribing meds is all they do. They rarely do much counseling etc

Spun,

I'm confused. You left? You left your house?

Are you in Plan B, bc if you are.... No texting her. Plan B is radio silence.

Are you looking for Plan D?

You should NOT leave your house. That leaves it open for OM or whoever else to be there, and you DO NOT WANT TO DO THAT.

Yeah i didn't realize that i was seeing a pschiatrist today Wonder.
I slipped there TTS, and I knew it immediately. I only respondeed about myself though. I hope it made at least a little bit of a point to her. I know she's going to end up calling me at the end of the day to see if i'm there, which she should already know i'm not. She was PI55ED when she called me yesterday. I'm not putting up with that &*^% right now.

Spun, I hope you understand that I'm on your side in this matter, and only want the best possible resolution to your situation.

Dude, you have no idea what you're doing, why you might be doing it, and the probable results of your actions, do you?

You went to see a therapist. You probably did yourself no service by deciding you wanted to "Scream" your frustratiuons and troubles away. You could have cancelled the appointment and saved the co-pay if that was to be your attitude.

We got it - your WW is a slut, a round-heeled, two-bit, streetwalking whore. Yup. We BHs know the feeling, having had the same opinions of our own WWs. (The only ones more virulent are those other creatures, the BWs, who usually REALLY have it in for their WHs.)

Okay. You don't take well to medical advice, and you're not too pleased with your spouse. So, your job now is to calm down and act like a mature adult.

In you mind, your marriage is over, so the rest of the resolution should be easy. You will find that the state most likely will want to treat your divorce like the requested partition of a business partnership. So you should do the same. No "yelling" at anyone - not WW, not shrinks, not NOBODY.

No ceding possession, even temporarily, of any asset. Whose names are the vehicles in? If yours, pull the plates and cancel the insurance on her vehicle. If she takes it on the road in that status, call the police, reporting a GTA.

Return to your home. Move into the master bedroom. If she's uncomfortable, do not impede her moving to another room. You act cold and uninvolved. No anger, No outbursts.

Isolate every dollar you can from her. Open new accounts, in your name only, and transfer everything to them. Cancel all joint credit/debit cards. Start recording every dollar you spend on maintenance and utilities.

Keep in mind the business partnership model. Romance, affection, decency, and passions (good or bad) have no place in this exercise.

So the shrink got offended when you wouldn't take drugs, to alter your mind/emotions, about whats happening in your life?

They must be a newb..I have met a couple of shrinks that know of the placebo effect,and will not push medication, and will not give you any, unless you are behind it.

They all don't treat their patients like they are stupid..

Physical exercise, with meditation, worked for me during the first break and what I would call my plan B. The excersise releases the chemicals we need, and the meditation helps calm down our busy minds...Putting ourselves outside the crazy place she wants to draw you into..

Of course you could try the drug way...but then it is just one more thing you will have to get off later..if you can do that without having an effect on you.

The Shrinks do there job when they hand out tranquilizers, like ativan, (a popular benzo with methadone users), to lessen the emotional effects, of things you should be upset about.

The anti Ds are just part of the puzzle, and what you need is releif from this pain, which means getting out of this situation, with this person..calmly and peacefully as you can..

There is really no way around it, you have been abused as a husband, and disrespected, and you need to get out..As long as she is using, Plan A is not a good choice...Go to Dark Plan B

Read about it...

Yeah its common with cake-eaters, that they will put on a show, when the Jig is up..

Go to a dark plan B, to give her that one chance, to get her head straight, time for her to face the music.

She can call the Harleys if she want you back, and without children..I don't know why you would even consider it

Everything is easy, outside of what is going on in my head. I haven't seen a therapist yet. I went to see my doc because i was feeling like dog &$%7 and he said if i wasn't interested in meds he would reccomend seeing a mental health professional. The mental health professional reccomended i take meds that will help me be happy. I said no, i'm not interested in meds, they've caused enough problems for me concerning my wife. She gaave me the whole "well you're not a dr. " BS then recommended i go see a therapist. So i am doing that.

All of our finances are going to be a breeze to sort out. I lost my home 2 years ago, still picking up the pieces. I exhausted all of my resources trying to save my home. I work in an industry that has been crushed by the economy. I have little funds. I have no problem walking out of a rent situation that i have nothing invested in. All of the bills are in her name. Wife already has her own phone contract to keep me from digging anymore dirty dirt on her. I own my vehicle outright, she owes on hers and my name isn't on the contract. No credit cards in my name. Like i said in my previous posts, I'm done for now. I don't care what she does right now, period. I still love her, but each minute I realize I deserve better. She is the one that is *&%%ing the bed, not me.

My doc told me that if i don't learn how to deal with my stress, most likely I won't live a long life. I'm making it a point to exersise more, I eat good food, i'm reading a little now and i'm going to see a therapist to help me release all of my pent up &^%% that's been festering inside of me for years. I'm moving forward. My wife doesn't want to move forward with me right now. Fine. I'll be here when the papers show up, and my part will be done quickly.

I can look back on my thread and just see how quickly i have turned. Really saddens me. I think I'm doing the right thing. It really is time i walk away from a bad situation. I fear the worst for my wife, and it bothers me to say there's nothing i'll be able to do for her anymore. Just sad

Yes it is sad to know the truth, but it is all we have that we can deal with.

I agree with you about the meds, they just take the edge off of a truly emotional situation. Excersise and the help of a good therapist, will do the same..

Work on your stress, and find ways to relax, because stress robs us of so much of life..

Watch out for when she gets right, and wants to go for round two..Keep reading Spun

This is probably the path that will leave you with self-respect, and cut the emotional ties, that might linger on

Yes CP, i'm at the point where i'm ready to more or less move on. It's same old story. I can't help her. I can't change her. I can only help and change myself. I have doctors telling me that i'm full of stress and depression. I have allowed this, and I am ready to change that. I will be gathering all that is mine, physically and emotionally, and moving on. Wife is going to end up with nothing. I wonder how she will feel when its's all gone? Not my problem anymore

He's done with her.

You can't control your wife's actions. If being in the house is too much stress than stay out. Let her have wild sex parties with OM.
The important thing is that you take care of yourself.

See an attorney and start the ball rolling if you're ready.

When my wife cheated I wanted to leave the house too but we had kids so I couldn't. Fortunately, you don't have children together.

Do you own or rent the house? If you own it then just ask the atty what to do

Walking and jogging is a GREAT exercise.

Yeah she can do whatever she wants, I don't care right now. It's my turn to be selfish. If she ever wants to reconcile, I'm flipping the page. It will be on MY terms. I shouldn't have to win her back, but she will have to TRY to win ME back. Sanctity of marriage, broken. Trust, broken. Heart, broken
Round 2 will be so packed full of drama, if we ever get there. I'm interested to see how the coming weeks and months are going to go down

What MB plan are you in?

Plan FU?

Now I do encourage you to conduct yourself honorably during this time.
No revenge affairs or other self destructive behaviors.
Please consider joining a church on Sunday

lol sort of. I'll go ahead and call it plan B though. I'm seperating myself from our misery. I will write a letter to her, but not at this time, not sure how I could get through it. She yelled and screamed and snorted at me about we're done and this and that and I need my space. If anyone needs space right now, it's me. She most likely will realize at some point that she has pushed away the only somebody the truly loves and cares for her. When she does realize, I'm not so sure right now how perceptive to that I will be.
Talking to her mother helped me realize that right now there's no hope for me. I tried, once again, to explain how W is sick and needs help, and is making serious mistakes. MIL could do nothing but argue with me about that and I had to dig deep from losing my cool. So sad, that a mother is blind to her daughters health problems when they are so out in the open

Ok. MB is all about plans and have a path.

Plan A (both carrot and stick) with a time limit. Followed by Plan B or recovery.

Did you do a proper Plan A? Did you expose on OM's side?

Here
How to Plan B correctly
Carrot and Stick of Plan A

How does she self medicate?
Does she use drugs or alcohol?

Spun (one more time), please, just for a moment, stop devising your own plan, and listen to the experts here. The reason we are here, on this site, and not on one of the other infidelity recovery sites is that everything we do here, though it comes at you through the filters of the individual styles, is based on the MB Principles, and Program, and have seen the results. Following the program, as closely as possible, will give you the optimum outcome for yourself.

YOU NEED TO WRITE A DECENT "PLAN B" LETTER BEFORE YOU PROCEED!

It is NOT primarily for her, but for you. You will someday think back and ask yourself, "Did I do everything possible to help the woman I married, and once loved, to regain her decency and integrity?" You are going to want to know that the answer would be "Yes".

So, I will ask you to acknowledge that:
- you are not the first person to discover your WW is not the person you want to remain with
- you are being counselled as hundreds of BHs before you have been
- those who listened, and followed the program, had better outcomes than those who tried to carve out their own path.

More than that, I do not know what to say.

Ok. BH, the pos OM has no side. He has no FB page. He is not from the area, no family or close friends here. Nobody. The only place I can expose him is at their workplace, which is a very slippery slope. Jedi i have explained this a lot in the thread, go back and read it. My wife, who is no doubt very much mentally ill, has been through a 4 month recovery program for drinking while on seditives. IT WAS A BAD, BAD DEAL. The program was a very positive experience, but now I've been watching her slowly fall into a place that she was before. She is surrounding herself with people that enable her. Her loved ones have no idea what's going on because they don't hear or see what i hear or see. So I am alone as far as being her support system. I can't do it alone, W will not allow it. I think that's been her biggest hang up, I refuse to enable her. There is alot more to this story then my WW and posOM business. My wife is sick, and she needs help. I can't help her.

The guidelines of these plans all make sense, but I don't see how to get through it. It's like I'm on a road to nowhere with her until she wants to fix herself. I've been dealing with it for years now, and I can't deal with it anymore. She WILL NOT ALLOW ME TO. I will write a plan B letter. But where does it go from there? Nowhere until she wakes up realizing she's used, abused and unwanted. Is that what I want? I would say no right now. I have cared for my wife who I love as good as I could, and I'm being *&%% on for it.

I will write a plan B letter.

Patience, Grasshopper!

Write your specific PBL using the models on this site, and post it here for our review and assistance.

In the meanwhile, you are going to need to arrange for an IM to intercept and filter communication with WW after the Plan B curtain comes down. It should be a friend, who understands the environment all this is taking place in, and one with a strong spine. (Family members usually don't do well.) If you can't locate one, sometimes one of the folks here can serve.

I encourage you to visit an AlAnon meeting.

I don't know if you browse other threads, but this was just posted. It is a copy of an e-mail sent by the founder of this site to another BH (emphasis mine):

Hi TD,

Your efforts to win your wife back are making love bank deposits, but you
may have a way to go before you hit her romantic love threshold. Keep
talking to her, and make sure you do some of the talking, too. Her affair
is not a wise thing for her to do, but when someone is in the fog, it's hard
to make that point without sounding disrespectful. All you can do is what
you are doing, and even if she forces an end in your marriage, you will turn
out to be the best thing that ever happened to her. She may figure that out
after the divorce is over. Many of the couples I've counseled have
remarried after divorce. On the other hand, by that time you may come to
the conclusion that she is the worst thing that ever happened to you, and
her chances will be over. Either way, I think you will have greatly
benefitted from what you have learned lately.

Best wishes,
Dr. Harley

This is what I was attempting to convey in my note above. Every experience we pass through leaves its effect on us. As crappy as your situation is, you have it in your power to prevent its effect on your future life from being disastrous.

NG,
I don't mean to highhjack this thread, but what is your BH's screen name? Maybe it would be helpful for him ( and other BH's ) to read his post.

NG, i can take that quote as if it were directed at me. That's sort of where i'm at. I can't move forward with her right now in her state of mind. What i can do is move myself forward in as positive a way as i can.

It's TranquilDark

How is that possible? Are you sure?

What is the question?
NG posted a letter on this thread that Dr Harley wrote to Tranquil.
He tells Tranquil to keep plan A as long as he can.

...what is your BH's screen name?
DUDE! When I wrote "emphasis mine", I was referencing the fact that I underlined some of Doc Harley's note - NOT that I was pointing out that the BH was my own.

Barkeep! I need a testosterone special!!!!

No one, repeat, NO ONE ever speaks of this again!!!!!

Lol. Can I have my thread back? Please?

I have found a way to expose in their work place. Wondering if I should pull the trigger. I'm not at the house and can't be at this point

And I have 2 possible ways. The dirty gossip way or the get hr involved way

Spun....

It's all you know. Sorry about that highjack.

Explain the 2 ways in some detail?

Well it turns out that I know somebody in their hr dept a be I have a coworker that knows quite a few people there. So either I get hr to give them a talking to or I could get a wildfire s$@# storm dropped on them

You should expose to the workplace the proper way.

Which is?

Dr. Harleys.

From here.
Exposure 101

This will not be received well, either way. That's for sure. There will most likely be a harsh penalty for both of them when it's all said and done. I shouldn't care at all, because what I'm dealing with is so much more important ( my life ), but......

Thanks BH. Wish me luck

This is part of their consequences for having an affair with a coworker.

Good job and good luck.

The other way of justice puts me in a bad spot. Not going there

What do you mean? You aren't going to do the workplace exposure?

No I just left a sincere message for the HR manager of their workplace. I have met this woman before. Dealt with her a bit dealing with my W addiction problems. The ball is rolling

Quite possibly the most disappointing conversation I have ever had...wow. Almost as if she refused to acknowledge what I was telling her

When will you stop trying "Spun's" way, and start trying the MB way.

YOU WRITE A LETTER. YOU SEND IT TO WW's SUPERVISOR, POSOM'S SUPERVISOR, THE HR DEPARTMENT, and THE PRESIDENT/CEO OF THE CONCERN. YOU USE A LETTER SUCH AS THE ONES HERE, AND ALL MAILINGS ARE DONE CERTIFIED.

(Brainy, do you have "Brit's Brat's" letter handy?)

Yes I already posted it to him, back on page 13 on this thread.
Workplace Exposure Letters

Spun,

You are making this harder on yourself.

You need to follow up with a proper workplace Exposure letter to a VP and your WW's and OM's supervisors and the HR director. I would also state in the letter that you told this lady in HR that you talked to.

That could be just their way of pleading deniability.

An affair is treated much more serious than a drug problem, or at least, within the same department of workplace wackiness..

I would do a company-wide exposure letter to HR and with CC, or Carbon Copies, to the company president, so the head of HR knows you have notified their boss too, and then just drop it. Just keep a copy so you can show the attorneys/judges when you go to court.

The head of HR is not going to validate any activity that might be happening, unless they are eyewitness, in which they don't want to be..They might think the behavior is disgusting, but if they act because of what they feel, on your word that it is happening...they won't have their job very long...

Ok, Do you get it? There are plenty of good people here who can help you, if you follow the directions, and not your emotions..

We understand your impetuousness, just trying to help you not shoot yourself in the foot

Nobody wondering why I call myself spun?

Lol

Lol is right. I am a serious mess people. I have, in a way, made my peace with the fact that my wife and i may have no chance. One can only stomach so much $&@#. I'm going to make sure these two know, and everybody else as well, that what they are doing is wrong and that I'm not going to sit back and be a witness of it. I'm trying to gather contact info. When I have it I'll send out a letter. You are right about HR CP. I don't work there. HR's job is to look out for the companies best interest. But come on......human decency should not be brushed aside

You can look at this like HR manager is dealing with their employees like a HS Principal has to deal with finding alcohol at his school..

The substance abuse is only the tip of the Iceberg..

And you don't want to go down that road of understanding and helping,and befriending, the aliens..I don't care how tough you are, or think you are. The selfishness of drug abuse and cheating lowlife people..is a bottomless pit of self destruction..


You need an IC that will keep you out of trouble, and a legal counsellor also, that will do the same

And could somebody tell me why I don't just beat some a$$ and move along with my life?

No I think he is talking about "Frontier Justice"

The one us homo-sapiens know is the right natural cure, but are prohibited by law,(Thank God), of carrying out.

Just as well Spun, can you imagine how your life would be if you were stuck with this woman, because of created life in the form of children, or any other form of romance?

You truly have the "Get out of jail" free card, of which, she is still looking for the job as your jailor..

Yeah like the Bum she is seeing would be such a stand up guy...Most likely he is scum

I say just move along with your life, and don't bother with the Pansy [censored] OM.

That's a big 10-4 CP. I love my wife, but I HATE what she's put me through. I am on the right track as far as "getting over it". All seems like a waste of time, really. If anything, I'm just he11 raising. Weekend will do me some good, I'm gonna go wet a line

Well like I said in a previous post, I met this posOM. Sure says a lot about his character. Says a lot about my so called wife too. Their BOTH pansy asses

Those that live in glass houses should not throw stones.

You would not do a proper work exposure, yet you expect HR to do what is right when you will not. You have gotten geat advice from great people. Yet you just sit and go no where.

Oh yeah I forgot, this is easy

Dude, as one who came distressingly close to dispensing his own form of retaliation, I would urge you to stay FAR away from that seductive path.

Whatever the sins of POSOM or WW, they need not incent your own, okay?

Nope not easy, but not as hard as you are making it going off halfcocked

You want kick some azz? Be informed many of us do, still do, after years past the stinking baby minded OM( s), have gone and our wives have even paid the ultimate price.

Still want kick azz, and will till the day I die.

What is true Spun, is that the waywards will kick their own, and the job we have is perhaps the hardest.. To stay out of their way.

That is what the site is for, to minimize the heartache, of the true and upright, and to take away the drama, not add to it. Believe me the waywards want drama.

Your job, as a man who cares, is to not give into that trap

Believe me it is a trap, to beat the scums azz, and become the bad guy, while stays out of the clink, and continues to shag her

Like I said, and it's been said on this site, and for ages by wise people, just stay out of their way, and they will dig their own grave.

My late wife did, and tried to drag me in with her, but Thank you to the lord above, I was spared.

I will let the truth and the light do it's job, on the idiots

Good advice CP, spun should heed it. Read NGs story when your free Spun. Everyday I want to kill OM but that wouldn't save anything stay off that path

Good advice Tranquil, yes Spun you should read NGs story, and be aware that he compared his wife to Mother Teresa, and I believe that is/was a good comparison, and is in no doubt one of the main reasons his marriage has recovered.


It take two to make a marriage, no exceptions. That is what the good book says, and there is no excuse..

In my story, there have been many OMs, all fools, and many that hid from me also, during the years. The only reason I stuck, was for my children, because they were the innocent victims, brought into this world.

You are the only innocent party so dont incriminate yourself by giving the lowlife idiot an excuse for others to feel sorry for him.

You can only control yourself Spun, you can't control them..

You might have to take it out on many punching bags, but it will be worth it in the end

For the record there are many BW's that would also like to do a beatdown as well. There are reasons some of us do not cave into that carnal desire, but it is still thought about time to time.

Yup, the best revenge is living well

The best way to get at OM is to expose him to everyone.

Expos� to everyone, go into plan B and then let the walls fall around them.

Dr Harley does encourage people to confront the other person.
But I don't think that's always a good idea for some people.
I would leave the SOB on the floor if I confronted him.
And our system is so screwed up thu would arrest the husband!

These men should be taken out in the street and hung.

Yup they cannot hide from everyone..

They have to admit what they are..sleazy little boys playing with thier &8( wees.

After you expose, you can expect it to take awhile, but they will eventually be found out.

See Spun..they don't compare to you, or what you have been trying to do, for your wife...

Don't let it bring you down brother, you can get through this

Been there done that..and the system did not care...trust me?

Hey all. I just want to say that I am really glad to have found this site. You all have "been there done that" and your advice has made a huge difference in my own progress.
I am supposed to meet and sign the papers tomorrow. I am willing. Jedi KNight your advice is what i'm going to be doing. Finish up with the exposing, then hide

I am not going to beat anybody's a$$. As much as I would like to put posOM on his face somewhere, I know it's not anywhere worth it. I'm very much dumb, but I'm not stupid. If my wife cares about me so much to do what she is doing, it's not worth it. If my wife cares about me so much to allow posOM to interfere with our relationship, it's not worth it.

I feel so much better than I did a week ago. Does that mean anything? I know I deserve better. Why don't I just move on?

Can anybody tell me if there are any cases here that have a mental illness involved? My wife really is full blown coo coo for cocoa puffs, I would really be interested in reading somebody elses story.

Why am I struggling so hard? I don't even fully know what I want. I love her, and I don't like her

Spun,

I'm glad you found this place too. Keep posting and letting everyone know what's going on.

Sign and go dark.

Does everybody realize how easy this all seems after the fact?

I have absolutely no reason to make any attempt to try to reconcile with my wife besides the fact that I love her and care for her.

Does this make ANY sense?

I am seriously struggling HARD CORE.

Everybody close to me says the exact same thing.
"G - T - F - O"

But I love her

Thank you TTS. It's MY only hope. I HAVE to remove myself from the emotions. I have held them all in for soooooooo long and now all of a sudden i have this burning need to release them all. And I can't. That is why this is so difficult for me. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, it is causing me great pain and discomfort. I wish I could go back in time. If I knew then what I know now...........

Spun,

That's the other part of Plan B.... You will have time to let your emotions settle and to gather your thoughts. Try to keep busy at the gym or work. Don't just sit around throwing yourself a pity party. Do you have an IM to do any communications with your WW for you?

After signing, what is the time frame b4 it is final? It usually varys from state to state.

Yes I have an IM.
I know I NEED to remove myself from all of my thoughts. I have work, I have alot of projects to do, I have got myself into working it out a little, I have a great support system. In time I know I will be free.
Looks like we will file early next week, so 6 months +

Spun, Plan B is for your healing, it removes you from the drama and pain of waywardville.

Many of us can understand why you wanted to save your marriage. Unless someone has experienced infidelity first hand I don't think they really understand why a BS would want to fight for their M.

Sounds perfectly normal, and yes, I went through years of stuff because my wife was crazy, or mentally ill,or at least emotionally unstable at best..

You can still love those people, also, because they are not completely evil, ...all of the time.

But it goes from loving who they could be, to what they once had the capacity to be, to a love lost, over time..

It will take time to adjust to all this, and as you read through the many stories you will find on this site, and study the concepts taught by Dr H, you will again have hope that someday...and you will understand...

But in time...that thing that we don't have it seems, until its forced upon us.


You sound like your gonna do just fine

Thank you so much for the words of encouragement. Pretty much what my mother tells me, that I love a person that is very rarely there, if ever. Time is my enemy right now, I need to do constructive things to kill it.

A former MB poster "Mike" did beat up the OM after the affair ended.
"Moving on" with his life was not as smooth as you may think. Mike did face criminal charges for his impulsive actions.

That's why.

hi spun. i have just read your entire thread, and can see you're well into the rollercoaster ride. i just want to tell you this is normal. you will be on the ride for awhile, so take good care of yourself. when there's an up, expect a down to follow. the good news is this goes both ways. when you're feeling really crappy, an up will come.

do check around other people's threads for stories. often, they are linked into their signature lines at the bottom of their posts. your WS does not have a mental illness; she is deep into the "fog" that waywards seem to embrace once they embark the adultery flagship. she can come out of the fog, if you decide to try to recover the M and follow the programme to the letter. as several people have pointed out, recovery is long, painful, and very hard, so consider your options carefully. of course, she may choose to stay fogbound, and there's nothing you can do about that but protect yourself. you cannot control a wayward, as much as we'd all like to be able to!

keep posting - it'll help keep you sane during this horrible time.

Thanks Pepper. I know the answers to both of those questions, but I do have to ask myself. There just is no "easy" way to deal with this.

Letty, I'm glad you made those points. Up down, up down. I am all over the map for sure. I have noticed that when I am keeping my mind busy, well, i'm keeping my mind busy and am on that even keel so to speak. That's where I want to be. I have done a lot of reading on other peoples stories, and it is very helpful in a way to know that we're all here for each other. I will start posting in others thread when I start to see myself on the right track.

My wife is VERY deep in the fog. My wife is mentally ill. What sort of mental illness remains to be diagnosed. Mental illness runs in her family, and she has shown over and over that something is definatly " not right " with how she handles herself. She has very poor coping skills to say the least. I just found out this morning that she spent 8 hours in the ER on Thursday. She had yet another meltdown. Once again, I could not help her. I was concerned very, very much when I heard, and it hurt me alot to know that I couldn't be there for her. Makes me sad.

As far as recovery goes......well, I'm nowhere near that right now, and she is way further from that. As much as I want that, I don't right now. We need to " get right " before WE can get right. A lot of work to be done

There is nothing wrong with wanting to recover your marriage.
I support you in that.

What I can not support is that you will not do a full blown all out exposure. You just sit here and cry instead of maning up and expose OM at work.

Change your sreen name from "spun" to "justspiningmy wheelsgoingnowhere" if you are not going to man up.

Yes no matter what the future of your marriage is, full exposure is nessesary..even if you want to end it.

It really is the kind thing to do, and the loving thing also..

wow, that didn't take as much as a full day. I was stunned by the wtf are you doing call from W today.

I wrote a mildly detailed e-mail late last night, trying to make a clear point of what I was trying to accomplish. Early this morning my coworker made a phone call to an insider at W's work and got all the important e-mail addresses I was after. HR director I spoke with the other day ( who may have discussed this with others before the e-mail ), vp of operations, her super and OM super. Sent right at 9 with the trusty smart phone.

W called early afternoon, I answered like a dummy. She flipped - her - lid on me. Says with hostility we are done, don't talk to me, don't call, don't text, don't show up at the house, nothing (basically continue what I'm doing ). Says she's thinking about a restraining order because now she is afraid of me because "i'm crazy". At the same time she tells me to get all of my "&$&^" out of the house this weekend ( told her I was busy this weekend ) and expect to be served soon.

Aparently she and OM got a talking to in the HR dept. W asked me what I was thinking by doing this and what I expected to happen by doing this. I replied "why ask a question you know the answer to?" She had nothing else to say about her HR office visit besides that she still has her job. I replied "why wouldn't you?"

Not sure what the future holds as of now or what to expect outside of some Ahole showing up to drop an envelope in my hand. I have to say that I feel pretty decent knowing that this dirty laundry has been aired. She went nuts on me after exposing to family and friends, but took it up a few notches today. She's pissed. She hoed her own road, and absolutely can not see it.

Now what? Hide?

Spun, all her venom and anger means you hit the bullseye, great job! Do not hide and do not make excuses. Stand tall and proud for standing up for your marriage. You wouldn't have been able to move forward without the exposure. And do not leave your home. She wants to act like a slut, then she leaves the marital home, not you.

~RQ

PS she has no grounds for a restraining order, do not give it another second of your thought.

I was threatened with a restraining order by skank-ho (via my WH) after I exposed her to her family. I laughed at that. I knew better.

You should carry a voice activated recorder with you, for your own safety...because you SHOULD NOT leave your home, and you can bet she'll try all kinds of crap to get you out.

Spun,

It depends on what you can handle.
If you can handle being treated like crap for 6 months, while kissing her [censored] in plan A then do that.

If you can't handle that then you could go into plan B and just leave your house.

Do you want to stay married? If so then plan A is your best option. I can tell you it is misery.

If you want to leave your marriage, and you have every right to do so, then I would suggest you just meet with an attorney and ask
Him for guidance regarding the house. And I would get away from her ASAP.

But your marriage can be saved and better than ever. This affair has to die a natural death and you would need to wait until it did.

Good work. This shows how effective exposure is. The madder a WW gets the more effective the exposure was.

Did you do an exposure of OM and WW on FB?

Ok, I left the house over a week ago, for the second time. We rent, everything was lost shortly after we married. There is nothing to fight over. I could just settle out the divorce so easily it's not funny. Plan A was not going to work for me, period. I've been petting and kissing her [censored] her for too long with all of her issues, part of why I'm in the position I'm in. I basically allowed her to shut me down, and I've been in a funk ever since. I'm not saying I want to stay married, and I'm sure not saying I want to move forward with divorce right now. We both need to work some things out individually before we can move forward together. That is for sure. I love my wife more than anything, she's my best friend and I love spending my time with her. But there is a catch to it all, I can't even explain. We probably both need time apart as much as I hate it, and just as much I don't mind it. I find myself missing the little things alot, which says alot i suppose. Plan B is my only chance. She will miss me when I'm gone, whether or not she responds to that remains to be seen.

TR, I don't use FB and don't plan on starting. As mad as my W is right now, I think I'm done with the exposure. She is ANGRY at me and she let me know it. I think I wrote down all I remember from the call in my last post, most of what I heard sounded like a peanuts teacher again

You are not sure if you want to stay married or divorce and that is normal.

Thing is if you are not going to surrender now then you can not stop fighting now.

Not on FB.

SO?

You get on and expose OM there. Most OM only want an easy piece of butt. You create OM enough problems he will drop your WW because her butt won't be worth the trouble he is having.

I have seen too many BH fail here because they fall short on being thorough.

When you get to be here as long as me you well see countless BH's that have come back to say I why did I wait to do a full out exposure my nightmare would of been over sooner.

I totally understand what you're saying TR. That being said, I'm removing my self from the situation. OM has nothing but his work. Like I said, he is not from the area, no family or close friends here, no FB either. I'm leaving my W with a lot to think about. She knows she is @&$#ing up but can't see it now. When she realizes that I am doing what I need to do to get back where I need to be, I believe she will be quite devastated with what she has done to me and our marriage. Time will tell. I'm gonna work hard on being patient with myself and how I feel and her as well. If she never comes around, I hope I'm in a place that I can accept it