This is extremely important

gonna pick one up. this makes perfect sense, really

Monitoring her texting. Un&@#*%+#bbelievable

Chill. Get control over your emotions. Having that recorder prove that you lost your cool with her at the crisis will NOT help your situation.

Save the texts. Include them in your exposure package. KNOW that she will go [censored] crazy when her infidelities become semi-public knowledge.

ITA with NG. If you must get angry, go running and put the anger to good use.

Save and print the texts and put them somewhere secure, like a safe to which only you have the key or (preferably) a safe-deposit box.

Sony makes a good digital recorder that you can get at Walmart. Capable of a microphone and headphones..cost about $50.

Everyone is telling you to keep your cool, and I am too. This is not a warm-blooded animal that has attacked you, and has no sympathy, so in turn, it would have none if you took off the guys head and put it on a stick in your front yard..you would still go to the clink and she would be raising the children without you

Thats the hard facts Im sorry.

I hope you are reading around the site and taking all the precautions, and besides a hard workout routine, I would suggest a counselor, one old enough to b able to advise you, and one familiar with DR Harleys body of work.

Your gonna get thru this,,just keep a cool head

We do not have children, thank god. My doc referred me to a psychologist (who i see in a couple of days), saying I need to get my stress under control. I am physically fit, mentally I'm at rock bottom. I had an anxiety attack sat night, learned that they are real and really do exist. Wow. That made me realize how bad of a place I'm in mentally. I got home tonight wondering what I was in for. Not the same woman from yesterday, that's for sure. My wife was recently prescribed a pretty heavy AD medication, which she was obviously on. She is HIGH. We got into a talk, TV got shut off. She got right into the D and how she wanted me to take papers home with me. Told her how I was home and that I wasn't interested in looking at any paperwork. She pushed, I dug in my heels. Really could have used the recorder, because every second I stayed cool, she got louder and more frustrated. I told her to be honest with me, and give me a good reason for not working on our relationship. I've owned it and have put the right foot forward. Well, as usual, she couldn't handle the conversation anymore and ran out telling me not to be here when she gets back. I called her sister, who I haven't talked to since the D bomb. She now knows about my strong suspicion and gave her a name to remember. I've started. Wife got home, me cozy on the couch enjoying my tv. Dropped an uninteresting looking manilla envelope on the coffee table. It won't move from that spot by way of my hand

I know I could possibly be much better off. Seriously somebody just tell me to run away

Spun,
when you called your SIL, did you tell her that her sister was involved in an affair? You said you gave her a name, but did you tell her why?

Why would you run. It's your house, if she wants out, she can leave.

Like even Dr. H says. Your WW has given you a "get out of marriage card". You are the only person that can make that decision for yourself.

Let me just ask one thing. If you walked away today, right now, can you look at yourself and know you've tried everything?

If yes, then you may have your answer.

Yeah I'm bringing it all to light. SIL knows, her best friends know her mother will be getting a visit tomorrow (not that the wedge will care), and I've put the word out to her extended family. The s&$@ will be hitting the fan tomorrow. The thing is, life has been HARD in the time we've been together and a big part of all my stress has been how my wife has handled it. When I truly need her, she hasn't always been there. That does kind of make me wonder if all of this sickness I'm feeling is even worth it. posOM is getting a simple text right now. IS IT WORTH IT?

It's up to you. Expose as fast and far as possible.

If you want to leave then you can.
It's your choice.
Mine was more complicated because I had kids.
I will tell you this. There are people on this site that have basically been trying to be their spouses parole officer for months, sometimes years after an affair.

The only hope of having a good marriage is if the affair died and both you and your wife commited to following the affair recovery plan in Surviving an Affair.
It is hard work.
But just as their are spouses on here that act as full time parole officers, there are also spouse on here that have worked this program and have great marriages today.

At this point, I think you should do the following

1. Gather evidence of affair
2. Start stashing money away secretly.
3. Keep recorder on you at all times (even in bed) I had to hide mine in my underwear. You don't want to be arrested falsely.
4. Read about plan A. And follow it. Make love bank deposits and avoid angry outbursts and disrespectful judgements. It is better to walk away than to argue
5. Expos� the affair in one day. This is done by emailing and Facebook all family and friends and the other mans family and friends. If the affair is in the workplace then you expose to the company.

Since you already have explicit text messages you need to expose ASAP.
Please read the exposure 101 thread and prepare and Exposure letter.
Can you commit to posting that here for review within the next 12 hours?

Who are you exposing to on OM's side?

Your other option is to just leave.
If you rent, and have your own vehicle and don't want to fight for your marriage then you have every right to leave.
She has broken the marriage contract. Even the Bible, the strictest book concerning divorce, allows it in cases of adultery. God knows that adultery is harmful and painful. Of all te greatest sins, God listed adultery as one of the top 10.

If you want to call it quits I suggest you contact an attorney prior to making any actions

As said by others, only you can make the decision of whether you stay or not..

Without children, it would be easy ,(sorta), for me, what the right thing to do would be..

A good will wish for her, and I would take the loss and go lick my wounds in private..

That is no easy task either Spun, if you love her..even if she doesn't love you, or show it..

She is high you say..Let me tell you what the nurse in the hospital told me, when I confided in her, about my wifes long addiction issues,and now she was dieing of cancer..getting morphine and dilautin pumped in her, and she was still unrepentant about how she had killed herself, and how everyone was scared to death, because we were losing her..

The nurse said that it is the people who are not drugged, or taking them, that suffer the most, the sick or terminally ill do not feel the emotions, because they are so drugged up, or down in the case of depressants..like heroin or adivan/tranquilizers, or alcohol.. All drugs that calm down the emotions, while hiding the pain..

Whether you leave her or not, she needs treatment for the drugs she willingly chose to use, and the mindset that got her to the place of self medication..You can encourage her as her Husband, or her freind, but until she has those under control, she will spiral down.

She is in no shape to be a wife, and you can only show her the way, if she will take it is up to her.

She can get these things under control, I believe that, and like I said, Dr H ran clinics for drug abuse, even before he became a marriage counselor, and knows the connections to the brain..

He might be able to guide you to a clinic and their philosophy, on how to handle this... instead of it becoming all "your fault", I would definatly not let it go there..

Myself, because I was such a Knight in Shining Armor fool, it went there, eventually, because I would not accept that I had no control over what she did...don't make that mistake, she knows exacly what she is doing, as foolish as it is..

She needs help getting ahold of herself, and you need help in negotiating this time in your life. Get and take the help my good man, this is no joke, its your life

Thanks all. CP, your last 2 sentences there are so right on the money. The hardest part of my marriage is dealing with the fact that my wife flat out can NOT cope. With anything. She called me this morning after she left the house telling me how she can't do this, i'm making things difficult, don't be there when i get home blah blah blah. She sounded exactly like the teacher in a peanuts cartoon. I hate that i have to say that that's the way i hear my wife. I can't help my wife one single bit, I have proven it to myself over and over and over again. All i can do is help myself, which i aim to do. It would be so easy for me to walk away right now, and not look back into the mess that my life seems to have turned into in the recent years. But there's a couple of big problems....I'm no punk and I do love my wife and i want to care for her. It's almost like she doesn't even know what being loved and cared for is anymore. Fantasyland can't possibly be a good place to be. Could it?
I'm expecting fireworks tonight, hope i can keep myself together

It's quite funny how she expects YOU to be the one to leave the house, when she is the one who mucked up things.

Definitely do NOT do that, no matter how much she rages.

I spoke with her uncle last night and all he could say was "those girls have their demons", speaking of the wife and her mom and sister. Ugh........

If you go home without that recorder, you will have shown yourself to be a fool of great density.

Just sayin'.....