He is performing wicked deeds.
Don't defend him.
Hold him accountable through exposure

That's what I'm talking about. A man standing up for his wife and his marriage.

Read Surviving An Affair, you can find it at most book stores or here on this site.

Keep posting so you can get help with the next steps.

Got get her back.

you are all right. he IS performing wicked deeds, and he WILL be held accountable. I will NOT defend him nor my wife in this matter. I have years and years of stress and struggle buried inside me, i'm basically a bubbling volcano. if it erupts then everybody better run, i'm digging deep to avoid that. like i said in my OP, i've taken the steps to better myself, i've seen a doc and i will be seeing another doc in a couple days. i started working out again which i really don't even need to do. i've ordered a bag of books to educate myself on every problem i face in my life at this point. i'm gonna wake up tomorrow and basically take over MY world. I owe it to myself

Exercise is a good idea, put some of that anger to good use. Go for a jog when you want to pound his face in for example. You could end up quite buff, which will be quite attractive to your W.

Don't go to a gym, though. As a BS you're already at risk for a revenge affair (RA), and gyms are hotbeds for potential affairs. You must keep your guard up in this period, which you seem to be doing already.

guard is definately up. I work fairly hard to keep it all going and am quite fit as is, but sweating out some of the feelings i'm having seems to help out quite a bit. I'm not at all like most of the jabronies that are at the gym. And if i caught that right, it sounds like if i do end up single i should maybe join a gym lol. There's no chance for a RA with me. I'm faithful to all that i should be faithful to. I may be stressed, depressed and angry, but i am full of morals and self respect. Ma raised me right

The whole idea of the EA is gut wrenching, has literaly made me sick. I just had a good talk with my mother, basically let it all out with her and she started crying.....so did i. I'm hurting bad. I've turned into the not so strong and silent type

Hi Spun, Welcome to MB I am sorry for the pain that brings you here.

After reading your first post I wanted to add that even though you wife's time has been accounted for it is still possible for an EA/PA with a co-worker during lunch times and work hours. Sometimes there aren't any obvious signs.

Prior to D Day I never suspected my WH was having an A with his subordinate co worker. He left for work and returned home at the usual times and was with the family the entire weekend each weekend. There were no changes to our interactions.

It wasn't until bomb drop when he announced our marriage wasn't working that he started to "work longer hours" At the time I thought it was a MLC all my research seemed to verify this an A never crossed my mind. Sadly I learned what the pyschologists termed MLC signs were purely wayward behaviour. Two weeks late I discovered the A.

In hindsight a clue was he password protected his phone. He never had a password before. He told the family it was to stop our daughter and youngest son from playing games etc on his work phone. I trusted him completely and he was the last person I thought would have an A so this seemed reasonable at the time.

I know you are hurting,it is painful when our spouse is the reason for that pain. Take care of yourself, exercise (its a great outlet) try to eat, sleep and be prepared for the wave of emotions you will experience. Post any time you need advice or support, there is always someone who will respond and help you through this.

Spun Welcome to MB

Did you know that DR Harley ran and supervised 10 clinics for years for drug abuse, and addiction? Your in the right place Spun, because he has heard it all..

He also does not try to counsel marriages unless drug/alcohol abuse is under control, because it is like the old adage.."They are in love with the bottle/drug"

I would bet dollars to donuts she is using with this guy, and because drugs are a fantasy, just like affairs and that low life behavior, or cheating and so on...you are in the right place...

I came here after my wives death from addiction, and I am trying to help people see, that What the Dr. says, is pretty much right on, and help them avoid the disaster..


I would bring her to the best place to treat her using, and seek Dr Hs advice, to prevent any more pain

Thats right Spun, and you have to end this one way or another, ASAP, because it is a mental sickness, and it will bring you down too.

enduring another sleepless night. Anger has set in. I'm angry at my wife for putting me through this. I'm angry at this pos for making a connection with MY wife. I'm angry at all of the friends and family that haven't listened to me or helped me through my struggles. Angry at myself for getting weak. My wife just celebrated her 7th month of sobriety. 7 months ago I caught her slipping and it was a very low point for us both. I can't see herself going back to where she used to be, it was soooo bad. Adivan and cheap wine aren't easy to hide. She is proud of what she has done, and so am I. She has been in therapy and attends AA occasionally. She is not using. I hate the fact that my wife and OM connected because of recovery. Where was he when I would come home after a 14 hour day, to a wife that was passed out to the point where I couldn't wake her? Where was he when I was at the hospital in the middle of the night with my wife when her withdrawals were causing violent anxiety attacks? Where was he when my wife spent 4months in rehab and I was supporting us? HUH?! WHeRE?! WHY AM I NOT THE WS LOOKING FOR A WAY TO GTFO?! I remember my vows and I HONOR them, THAT'S WHY!

Yes you are honoring them,and she is not..

Yes I know the frustration of having so-called friends, and them not really helping, or listening, even in the church I attended.

I honored my commitments before I attended the church, and took good care of my body,(because I became a diabetic, and worked and paid my way. Always have since I was young)

Its not your fault Spun, and beating yourself up,(Yeah I did it too),is not the answer my man.. You cannot work hard enough to get her respect. You might just become her cuckold, as she pleads.."I can't help myself"

Adivan and wine? Yeah downers.. My wife had always had a taste for drinking, and would never go to AA, and she got into heavyer drugs when my daughter who was he oldest turned about 16..My daughter is now 27 and my wife died 3 years ago from her abuse of heroin..crack cocaine..drinking and smoking..which I have taken the physical beating working like a dog all these years.

I bet you are a fighter, and willing to fight for your wife, tooth and nail..but you can't take it out on yourself..you will just build resentment. My resentment is still high, and I hope to get over it in the next four years, but its a process that has to run its course.

Until then I will try to help others, and will always help others probably, even after I stop taking it personal..

The bonds of marriage are the most rewarding in life, and the real challange before God IMO..To that truth this site, and Dr Harleys life work, is dedicated..

How about working out some of those emotions? I like martial arts, the Katas, and the discipline..It has allways been a release for me. But just a punching bag might help, so you can tire yourelf out, and get some sleep. Or maybe a run around the block. You know what I mean..

Hang in there my friend

Anger is understandable but it is something you need to avoid at all costs directed at or in front of your WW. Have you read the basic concepts and plan A? You need to expose the affair (and to his people too), go back to your home, put spyware on her phone and key logger on computer, she needs to quit her job pronto, and YOU need to be rock solid...NO anger, depression, just meet all her needs and fill up her love bank. Read about LoveBusters and emotional needs, it is the cornerstone of this program.

Good advice..I know your peeved, but this program helps, so stay cool and determined..

Thank you all very much for the positive words. I need it bad. I'll be home in an hour, gonna be quite interesting to say the least. I'll keep you all posted, wish me strength

so i spent the entire day with the wife yesterday. To my fault we haven't done that in a long time. I stopped and picked ap a x-mas tree knowing it would make her happy. That and i had our dog with me. I was at a minimum of 2-0 going into it. When i arrived, she had just gotten up and appaently scared the ss*#$ out of her, so she was actually reieved to see that it was just me busting in.

It was a miserable rainy day, so we pretty much had nothing more tto do then clean the place and watch movies or foortball or whatever. I made some cracks about how basically she had not done much since i had been away for the week. Not suprised, she's never been much of a homemaker. First thing i did after our hi how you doin's was get the dishes cleaned and that got her vaccuuming. Then we we laid our arses on the couch and picked out a movie to watch. It was kind of nice

That was the bulk of our day. She asked if i wanted to go on a walk with the dog, which i normally never did with her. I know that is something that has always bothered her. I was taking a step in the right direction by doing this one simple little thing. Part of all my learning and making an effort at self improvement since the D bomb has been to try to look at myself through her eyes. When I do it consciously, i find it to be quite easy. I'm retraining my subconscience, basically. In good time i will have this part of myself back to where I/my marriage needs it to be.

I ran out to the deli to get us lunch and when i got back she was in the shower. I immediately snatched up her phone and started diggin'.......nothing. Pretty much proved to me that whatever is going on she is hiding. She paid next to no attention to her phone all day, so i was definately distracting her.

She had complained all afternoon that she had a headache. When darkness set in, i looked at her and asked how she was feeling. She said she felt nauseous. "Are you alright?" i asked. She said "no, i really don't feel good at all." She instantly started to cry. I moved over to her to console her a little and asked what's the matter. "It's just hard" she said. "What's hard?" "Us. Everything that's going on with us." So i asked "what's going on with us?"..........."I don't want to talk about it right now" she said

We went to bed and had a decent night of sleep, i needed it real bad. Woke up and headed out for monday. I feel like i dominated day one of figuring out this mess. My wife is obviously a mess and is confused and in my opinion feels some guilt. I know it's going to get ugly, as i'm trying to figure out the best way to go about exposing to everybody in one day. I'm shooting for wednesday, which reminds me wednesday i see a pshychologist for the first time of my life. I'll be keeping up with my snooping, digging up more evidence. I'll be home waiting for her when she gets home. i'm looking forward to the reaction, will be the start of a long week

Good Luck Spun

Good Luck, Stay Calm, Be positive... Let everyone know you want to work on your marriage.

Before exposure, get a mini-audio recorder and keep it on your person and "on" whenever you and she are together. However much she screams at you, you would only need to be accused once of screaming in response to be TRO'd out of your home.

Thanks all. At some point yesterday morning she asked what had gotten into me. i half laughed and said "nothing, really. you just struck a match." When she dropped the D bomb, i slowly realized that i had an epiphany. I don't need to change myself. I don't need to do things differently. I need to get MYSELF back, is all. I'm am making a commitment to improve. That's not to say that i neccessarily NEED to, it's that i am pushing myself to WANT to. My wife is going to realize that she has and is now making a big mistake. I know in my heart that i was like a sleeping dog, and i let her and i let myself allow me to lie far too long. This is going to be difficult and i know it will be much more before anything gets better, but everyday i am feeling at least a little better about MYSELF. Wednesday i'm going to see a doc that i never felt i needed to see for any reason. I have learned that I DO need to vent to objective ears and hear objective thoughts. I'm actually looking forward to this, i may learn alot about MYSELF. I'm trying, hard. When it's all said and done i hope to accept whatever comes of my situation knowing that i gave my best. We all fall. Everybody will see, most importantly me, that i always get back up. I made my wife's head spin yesterday, and it made me feel empowered. I will take control of MY situation, then work on ours