shaddup!

Showing compassion and coddling is going to get this guy NOWHERE.

Well, Mike, there you have it!

With the landslide of advice running 9 to 1 in favor of taking a radical, severe, and uncompromising stand against ongoing infidelity directly with your WW, do you possibly start to suspect that there are reasons for our confidence in that tactic? The single salient reason is that IT WORKED FOR US! Most of us used the program to "shock" our WSs out of their illicit activities, and back to our marriages. The remainder had the unpleasant reality of finding that their WSs, when presented with the transparent choice between "honor" or "betrayal", sadly chose betrayal. At that, the choice was sufficient to facilitate the BS's decision to end the torment of living a life based upon a WS-fabricated set of lies.

We are waiting to see if you want our help, or just the use of this space to whine and lament. What is it to be?

DITTO!! NG scared the you know what out of me and I hated to hear what he said to me at first. Guess what? It was some of the best advice I have every gotten and everything he said was true.

Mike, I was a WW, not once but twice. The first time we kept it quiet and my H never actually forgave me. He just pushed it aside and we pretended like it never happened. We moved on with our lives for 13 years with the pain of the A always lingering in our marriage.

13 years later, not getting the awesome advice that I get on this site, I once again put myself in a risky situation and ended up having another affair. There is a difference between forgiving and forgetting. The saying goes forgive and forget, not one or the other.

Forgivness does not mean to push aside the problems of your marriage and allow your wife to do whatever she wants. This is something both my H and I had to figure out. There is no way to make your marriage "safe" if you or your wife are out doing "unsafe" things.


I an also very curious why your wife feels the need to go out without you? I know that you feel like if you try to control her that it will push her further away but I can guarantee that allowing her to do whatever she likes is only going to prolong your pain and destroy your marriage.

I longed for the OM right after my affair. If my BH would have allowed me to go out and do whatever I wanted, I can almost guarantee I would have attempted to continue my affair.

If your wife is serious about saving your marriage, she will be happy to make you safe and not make you feel bad about it. Right now, you are allowing her to be a cake eater... and she knows this. You are going to have to give her a dose of tough love or she is going to continue to hurt you.

NG's advice might have been hard to hear, but he actually gave you the best Christmas present you could ever ask for. He is trying to give you a marriage plan that will save your marriage, make it stronger, and help you recover.

Listen, learn, and stop letting your wife be a wayward and thinking that you can just "forget" everything and let her continue doing whatever she wants.

fifteen years (aka ex-wayward wife)

Mike, I've just read your thread and wanted to add to the comments re NG's post.

Unless you follow the steps to affair proof your M your M will never recover. If the conditions that allowed the A to happen are not eliminated and your wife is not held accountable it is very likely she will rekindle the A or begin a new A.

Your WW's change in behaviour - cold, going out alone is a

NG's posts are honest and at times direct but often this is intended to make his point and get through to BS or WS. It is not designed to cause further pain but to shine the light on the reality of a situation.

The direct posts may not be easy to read/accept but neither is the pain of infidelity & wayward behaviour. It is far better to be armed with the knowledge and tools that will help your own personal and marital recovery.

Ive been married for 14 years.i found out my wife was having a 4 year affair off and on with an old friend.I'm going Thru the same thing.even tho now my marriage seen perfect I still see him just like you..my wife complain about my body now I'm in perfect shape.she complain about me not being home much .now I'm at home doing alot of family activity.sometimes in her sleep I kiss her from head to toe.i never knew how to show love.i breathe the air she breathe I watch her in her sleep.i now listen and keep eye contact when she speak.my pride was my enemy.but now I'm in shape a lot of women have been noticing and now I'm curious of how it would feel to be with another women.?i was in the hospital twice for panic attacks,stress anxiety attacks.i have never been thru this type of trauma .but u most find some type of hobby to keep u busy.you most find a way to make you a better people.thats what I did .some people are just not happy with them selfs.all you can do is try your best.but on the way there make you a priority .i brought new clothes I changed almost everything about me.for her to cheat something was missing find it and give it to her 20fold.show her what u r looking for was right here all along.

FMF, you should probably copy your post above and paste it into a new thread just for your benefit.

Sorry, you're here, but as long as you have to be here, you might as well get the maximum benefit possible.