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Exactly. Told her about the list of 20 questions.
She says she is sick ... Can't explain the lies
Omg I wish I didn't ask .... But I had to know. And I was right again about her hiding something .... I hate being right ... Not a good day for the punisher ... Here we go again ... The vase shattered into millions of pieces ... To be reconstructed yet again !?! So you have the complete truth? Is she willing to do the requirements for recovery? Requirements for Recovery from an Affair
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Stick to doing a real poly. verify
Stay with it.
Chin up
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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so here i sit ...
what do i do here ...
she told me details about the affair with her boss and how it went on longer than she has been confessing. she also admitted crossing the line with another guy ... says he and her were driving he pulled over told her he loves her sang her a song they hugged and he tried to kiss her and she didnt... whatever ....
i really dont think she would again -- but my mind is spinning here ... how could she so blatently lie these last 10 months of healing over and over .... you guys call it trickle ... but we read of it together .. we read it all ... transparancy .. i think she was just too scared ... obviously . but we agreed no matter how hard it was .. truth ...
holy (&$@ what now ...
what now ...
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so here i sit ...
what do i do here ...
she told me details about the affair with her boss and how it went on longer than she has been confessing. she also admitted crossing the line with another guy ... says he and her were driving he pulled over told her he loves her sang her a song they hugged and he tried to kiss her and she didnt... whatever ....
i really dont think she would again -- but my mind is spinning here ... how could she so blatently lie these last 10 months of healing over and over .... you guys call it trickle ... but we read of it together .. we read it all ... transparancy .. i think she was just too scared ... obviously . but we agreed no matter how hard it was .. truth ...
holy (&$@ what now ...
what now ... I know you don't want to hear this, but it's going to take time. You may need to go to the doctors and get some ADs. They will help you get through this very tumultuous time. Is she willing to live a completely transparent life? What EPs has she agreed to?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Don't stop now schedule and get a polygraph test done ASAP.
This is the only way that the trickle truth will be over.
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Do I want to here more at this point or just take the fact that the worst imaginable things happened and now I have to decide what to do. Or is it part of my punishment to have to here the rest .... To help her heal? I know it drives us crazy not knowing ... But this is getting ridiculous ... I read this tale and all I could think is if this tale was not about me ...i would tell this loser to wake up and dump her .... ( me being the loser of course)
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The poly can be used to verify what she has told you. Many people (me included) need to know the truth to be able to heal and move forward.
She could still be lying about the length and extent of her affairs.
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No one would fault you if you want to walk away from this trainwreck.
But if you do want to stay married to her, you will need to start with the truth. The whole truth.
Stay strong. You call the shots, not her.
me: FWW/BW
Married 20 years, 4 kids
We made it.
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TP,
It's a bit like you are a surgeon removing tumors and you just have to keep operating before she is completely cured.
Part of the problem is that the only person who really knows WW is lying is WW herself, and that self-knowledge will keep WW in a state of fear.
Do not waver on the full polygraph, if your WW has really come clean there will not be any resistance an honest person is eager to prove their truthfulness.
God Bless
Gamma
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Do I want to here more at this point or just take the fact that the worst imaginable things happened and now I have to decide what to do. Or is it part of my punishment to have to here the rest .... To help her heal? I know it drives us crazy not knowing ... But this is getting ridiculous ... I read this tale and all I could think is if this tale was not about me ...i would tell this loser to wake up and dump her .... ( me being the loser of course) 1) You deserve to know everything, because it was all done to you without your knowledge or consent. Any hopes of recovery rest on full disclosure. 2) Without full disclosure, from your side or hers, there will never be the intimacy required to have a truly loving and romantic marriage... which is the only way to truly recover.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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She just admitted that she gave her boss a blow job when she was pregnant (she has been healing with me swearing that she cut it off 6 months before we got pregnant) .. Do I really want to hear more ?!?
I think she realizes how sick the thought is ... How is a man to live with that now ... Do I really want to drag more out that I know is out there .. Do I want to hear more words that will damage whatever is left of me?
... Can the crime be to great to forgive no matter how much effort ... And the lies she has so passonately made to me even in these times ( self defense ? )
Btw - bad day for the punisher
Last edited by ThePunisher; 12/30/12 11:54 PM.
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When replying to questions on the topic of infidelity, Dr. Harley recommends "just compensation" rather than forgiveness:
"I approach the subject of forgiveness from the perspective of someone (me) who believes in forgiveness, but also believes that marriage should be fair. Since, in many cases, forgiveness is unfair, what should be done? As you will see in my responses to the three letters I've chosen, I support just compensation for some marital offenses, so I don't always recommend forgiveness. It should be an encouragement to those of you who have been feeling guilty about being unable to forgive and forget. But, at the same time, it should also encourage offenders, because the compensation I propose will earn you a terrific marriage, and it won't hurt at all."
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She just admitted that she gave her boss a blow job when she was pregnant (she has been healing with me swearing that she cut it off 6 months before we got pregnant) .. Do I really want to hear more ?!?
I think she realizes how sick the thought is ... How is a man to live with that now ... Do I really want to drag more out that I know is out there .. Do I want to hear more words that will damage whatever is left of me?
... Can the crime be to great to forgive no matter how much effort ... And the lies she has so passonately made to me even in these times ( self defense ? )
Btw - bad day for the punisher Sorry for your pain. What is she doing to help you? Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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TP, you might have already answered this, but has your wife changed jobs? Does she ever see this guy?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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wife quit her job at home now.
she says she is not going back to work and I agree that would be bad. but it also (maybe not so right of me) - but I feel like not only did this woman do these things but now I have to stop teaching my kids get a job and take care of the three of them (I guess that is my job but looking at it now -- something just feels unfair about it ) ... couple more little things this morning among the tears and crying and appologies. she says that last night she soul searched for anything else she may have not told me and says again that FINALLY she is clean and so sorry.
I think for the first time in 10 months I am starting to really think of throwing in the towel.. but it's new years eve ... maybe just a hard time to get through ? (that almost made me smile).
And why throw it in now ... maybe ... hmmm...
I like your quote MelodyLane and used it a few times over the last couple of days ...
If you're going though hell - keep going.
I miss smiles. and as I write this I feel that perhaps I am overdramatizing things ... then as I write that I realize that yup ... im crazy.
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Punisher, I'm so sorry for the hurt you are dealing with. Just know that you don't have to decide anything RIGHT NOW. Take some time to clear your mind and realize that your emotions are driving your thoughts. Your not crazy, your trying to stand in a topsy-turvy world.
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As painful as it feels right now, I assure you that not knowing all the truth would haunt you for years to come. Better to take one hard punch now than die a death of thousand cuts for the next 30 years. Your marriage has chance now. Yes, you might decide you don't want to recover, but I strongly urge you not to make any decisions right now. You can walk away but you can also have a great marriage if you will stick with this. sorry for your pain, my friend.. 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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There has got to be a solution to this problem that does not involve the use of Thermal Nuclear Weapons ....
.....
She is sorry moping about mad at herself ... I am consoling her (yup you heard it right) ... I told her I will hold her until I decide my path. I bite my tongue every time I try to speak too much about my decisions
I made a video that portrays my feelings and put on my website - I would love to share it as although it may be a bit dark I think alot of us can relate to how I was feeling when I made it.
Is there any way for me to share this link with the community or even my thread here without a warning like I got when I first entered this forums ? I dont think they allow us to post links here.
happy new year to you all.
I am sorry that any of us found this place but think it may be a good resource (but who knows ... im a bit crazy).
Last edited by ThePunisher; 12/31/12 10:20 PM.
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DO NOT continue to add and/or replace links that have been removed by the moderators.
Continuing to do so will cost you the priviledge of posting on our forums!!
JustUss
Admin They won't let you post links.
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I made a video that portrays my feelings and put on my website - I would love to share it as although it may be a bit dark I think alot of us can relate to how I was feeling when I made it.
Is there any way for me to share this link with the community or even my thread here without a warning like I got when I first entered this forums ? I dont think they allow us to post links here. You seem desperate to share this video. The thing is, a video isn't helping you in your fight against your wife's affair. You seem rather fixated on that video and yet you reject the Marriage Builders advice that this forum provides, that we have used to fight affairs with success. How is a video any help in your plan? We know how you feel. We have faced affairs. Our purpose here is not to share the feelings of despair that come with being betrayed but to fight the affair and rebuild the marriage. Your video is neither here nor there when it comes to receiving Marriage Builders advice and help.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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