Another sad tale ...

I believe it was February. I was sitting in the car just outside of my sons gymnastics. I looked at my wife and asked her to be honest with me. There has been something on my mind over the years that has bothered me ... I told her that I was sick and dying inside ... And needed to know ... Did you cheat on me with your boss all those years ago? An old question that had not been asked in years and years ...

Wait ... This is going to be a long story so I may as well start at the start.

I married my wife 19 years ago in July. A few years into our marriage I was not happy with how much my wife was working. She was an engineer and I was a stockbroker. We both made great money but where I would work 7-4 then come home to my life she would be 'stuck' at work weekends, and to all hours of the night...my gut was telling me the same thing that we all know was really happening but who was I to call the woman of my dreams and the only women I have ever been with a liar when I asked her if something was going on and she tells me no ...

It went on for some time like this in my life. Then we had kids and I remember telling my wife that she can't keep working where she was. The hours and our lack of time together was killing me and the way I see her acting around her boss and defending her work so much at our expense was also killing me.

So she did eventually quit. We quit our jobs left the city to raise our kids. We bought a house out close to where we both grew up and where our families were. Things were pretty good for the next 5 years with me working from home and my wife being mom. (note we had a boy then she went back to work for a year then had a girl before she left .... I'll make reference to this later .. But in case I forget to mention it, the DNA tests I did show that that are my kids -- how fun is that people !).

We made a decision to homeschool our 2 children and unfortunately things got rough a bit for us financially. It got to the point that my wife was going to have to work again to help out. We made the decision that she would work for the next few years and I could teach the children then we would switch again in a few years and leapfrog like that to always keep our family together and be with our kids.

She called up her old company and got a job in TN. We were living in Canada (our home) but my wife was insistent that she did not want to work in her old position in Canada.

It was an exciting move for us I thought ... A chance to see the world a bit and what a beautiful place. An adventure - why not. We packed up and started the next chapter of our lives in the south in a new country.

Again I thought things were going well for awhile. But certain patterns started to develop and soon the kids and I never really saw mom much.

Now in my wife's defense, she is a workaholic I believe which is a condition that I believe real. But anyways ... Without time together, of course resentment began to grow in both of us I imagine. Our relationship got to the point where it was me driving her to work each day and picking her up each night so late that she would just come home, prepare for her weekend meeting, and pass out. Rinse and repeat. I was not happy and begged her just to leave work and we work together from home or anything different from this. She believed that she could not homeschool the kids like I was and convinced herself she had to keep working. And that she did.

We did have lots of great times mixed into this schedule and the kids were happy. It would take me 5 years to get my green card at which point we were hoping to all start a family business or I was to go work a bit while my wife took her turn at home again. I found myself not able to compete for her attention. Her work got her for 11 hours a day .. Between dinner driving everyone around etc. I got her for like 5 min. I missed her and I saw us just growing apart ... But what could we do ... Ever forward ... Keep the kids learning keep working hard around the home ... If she was having to work late then the kids and I would work hard too. I never went out or had friends how would that be fair with her working so hard I told myself.

So fast forward back ... here we were back in that parking lot and I hear the words for the first time in my 18 years with this girl.

... "I made a mistake"

I don't have to go into details about how those words can hit you like a freight train but there it was ... It was true ... Her affair with her boss apparently lasted for about a year and a half (gulp).

My past gone. Destroyed. Abolished.

We went through the tears and anguish and my wife begged for my forgiveness. It was 15 years ago and we have two children I told her and myself that I would, this once, forgive her (or at least try) but she had to tell me everything I needed to know (btw - ignorance is bliss let me tell you - some details she told me I could have lived without).

My wife told me awful details but on her knees, crying and swearing on our daughters' eyes, that that was it and she was young and stupid and has been faithful since.

The nightmares began ... The relentless movie and the triggers kicked in everywhere. The sickness, the confusion, ... Even today it all seems unreal to me as I write this.

I fight through it. I'm not sleeping or eating much at this point but I continue the struggle and three months later things are still bad for me but my wife seems to love me so much more than I am used to. I actually get to have sex now and she kisses me. Wow .. This is new. But this is scary in so many ways ... Is this the attention that HE got!! ... I never had this! Omg!

Anyways .... Ever forward ... One day about a month into my healing, I approach my wife in the kitchen and preform a pop quiz test that she, or really I for that matter, knew was coming...

I looked at her and calmly said "I just learned about you and Dan"
It was a total bluff.

Dan was basically the only person I know here in TN. He was a friend of our family that lived just down the road .. He was an unemployed drunk but my wife and his got along.

Reaching for my toast expecting to perhaps get a small chuckle out of my wife, instead that freight train Came back with a few of his buddies to run me over again.

"it was only once ! And we didn't do much" she says to me as the toast drops to the floor.

The darkness overwhelms me .... Don't get off this ride til it comes to a complete stop!

At this point I reach out and tell my children because now they have been cheated on too and they deserved to know of the upcoming turn of events their world was about to take. Not really knowing myself where that turn was to lead .. But I was sure it was not going to be good.

I was a great father. My children are brilliant and loving and I protected them from everything ... I just never saw this knife in the back coming and I feared for a moment that I may not make it through this for them.

Pause in story: I want to apply for the record here ... I went 6 months with less than 1 hour of sleep a day and dropped 55lbs from 200 to 145 in the same time ... Little but of a shock to the whole system I guess.

Here was her story ... She told me it was nothing: Dan was over for a Christmas gathering or just for a drink - he was a loser unemployed alcoholic btw. Apparently my wife was at the sink rinsing a glass and Dan came up and grabbed her [censored] (outside clothes) and she reached around "a reaction she called it" and brushed her hand across his penis (again on the outside of clothes).

I made her reenact the crime to show me how far past the line she crossed with Dan and she brought me to the kitchen with tears in her eyes again and showed me how it was just more or less a brushing of genitals.

How sickening to add this to my movie collection that was already filled with my wife in parking lots, hotels and bathrooms having sex with her slimy married boss (who is by no means a looker).

At least this new info was not quite as graphic ... To deal with this small hiccup is easy, I only have to never have any friends again if I want to keep my wife (or at least limit myself to friends with leprosy).

Ok ... My mind gets to add this to the wonderful mix ... Drinks involved ... Ok ...if I can do this boss thing ... I'll deal with Dan later and it should be cakewalk. Ever forward into my spiraling world of devastation.

I think about a week passed .. I have bruises and scars from my physical attacks on myself ... Late night and early morning head smashing sessions.

My daughter and I are on the trampoline sitting looking at the sky and my wife comes to us crying to tell me of another man she was with back in the old boss screwing days. Something that has been weighing heavily on her chest and she "had to come clean" again. She says she went to a bar on one her business trips and was necking with him as he told her sad stories of his sick child.

My daughter of 11 years who has never in her life before this year cried or had reason to .. Held me and we cried together for hours ... We are still crying today. My poor poor children.

I need help here maybe. Hmmm..I talk to no one ... Who can I talk to ... I have only myself ... I must get strong.

I start working out relentlessly. I am lean at this time ... Bordering on anorexic. Get strong I tell myself. Strong on the outside makes you strong on the inside.

I am a vegan now and back up to 160 in the best shape of my life. I can do 75 good pushups in a row, 17 chin ups, and can run for miles without tiring. I have tried meditation, I have tried writing, I have given up drinking and have tried to improve myself in every way (not that I was a bad guy in the first place - just a reaction I suppose).

My wife tells me she needed to let me know that so she was totally transparent (we both have read a lot and studied our situation to find a way to fix me or the marriage or whatever it was that needed to be fixed.

It's blurry a bit but basically more pain and anguish for me over then next month or two ... ho hum. Ever forward ... Where has the last 4 months gone? Where am I? Who am I? Who is this woman? Some of you reading understand all this ... No need to elaborate.

In one of my outbursts about the whole Dan thing ... I pick up the phone and tell her I am calling him ... I need to know that you are being honest. I tell her simply that if her story does not match that of dans that i have to leave.

Oh btw ... Of course I called the old bosses wife to make sure he didn't walk away smelling like roses (or smelling like my wife). There is currently a restraining order in place so I guess he is a bit scared ... Serves him right ... Back to the story ... It starts to get good here .....(gotta skip some of the devastating events for my next writing sessions).

So as the phone goes to my ear and my finger to the button ....

How was I to know that freight trains could fly?

"wait" she say

The 2nd base action by the kitchen sink that she reenacted for me and that haunted me for weeks was not even real! She made up a movie just for me!
The only thing being true was it started in the kitchen.

Apparently what really happened was: I was sitting beside my wife as my friend and neighbor dan gently slid his hand down my wife's pajama pants as I was not looking (right beside me) from behind.

Instead of a polite slap to the face my wife and this man go upstairs where she says all that happened was he touched her again down the pants and she put her hand down his pants and stroked him a bit. ... She tells me the kitchen story was made up because basically she did not have intercourse with him so it was just the same thing ... A reaction she calls it. She swears that nothing else ever happened and the two of them never spoke of it even though we still saw them.

Knowing what she was capable of and going so far to cross that line, I can believe or understand why they would stop there. She tells me he was hard and yet he did not pursue. So hard to believe .. Yet again I feel compelled to believe her. (yup I must have gone off the deep end).

It's not even that, it's the lies as some of you know.

Ever forward...

Later that week she cancels our date night because her new boss asked her to come out with him on a dinner interview.

I told her she has to leave work if there is to be any hope ... Which is still to be determined. She writes a letter to her work telling the story and asking for help and they let her go.

We are now unemployed and crazy.
I better quickly switch from homeschooling dad who volunteers time at the local library teaching chess with the kids to now figuring out a way to keep everyone alive before they take our home now.

No problem ... Will just add this to my to do list.

I quickly run and rent myself an apartment and move away leaving all possessions behind and spent a few nights alone curled up in a corner of a dark cold and storage apartment ... My home? Where are my kids? Where is my wife? Wtf just happened?

She begs me to stay / come back. She tells me she loves me. She tells me she is so sorry. She looks so sad. I feel so sad for her.
I come home (omg how much of our savings were blown in that little escapade?)

she treats me like a god now and tries so hard.
I truly believe she is sorry for her choices.
I think she loves me what what is love
She never kissed me before like this or at all really ....
It is wonderful ... But wait .... Those guys were getting this ??

What number does this put me in the hierarchy ? Somewhere just under the local drunk I think ..... I went from number 1 to number 4 ... Just shy of any medals .. Par for my course.

The roller coaster has yet to stop but at times it slows down a bit now. My wife and I have found that magical place that some find where the love is overwhelming and although the recipe was evil ... The results may well be worth it.

We lose sight of that love sometimes but maybe it really is out there or maybe it is just not meant to be - no matter - all is lost for me no matter now.

We have both learned so much about ourselves. Maybe it could work still. Then I write this and as I read it, I think to myself, what the he'll am I still doing here.

I have explored all aspects of anger - they all lead nowhere good.
I do not like the angry me. I never met him before but let me tell you he is a [censored]. The internal battles ... Both mental and physical as he hits me in the face and rarely holds back.

(please note that my rage and torment although sometimes out of my control, is always directed at inflicting pain on myself only ... Expect for those evil words that spew from my mouth every once in a while when my walls leak a bit. Those words I know hurt my kids and each day I vow not to let 'banner' out to vent his rage (Banner is the name I gave to my new split personality - he's the angry elf in me - banner like David banner from hulk you know).

The kids don't like it when banner smashes things (like my guitar the other day - doh! Note to self ... Stop breaking stuff ... Especially stuff you like.)

Not sure where to go from here in my story .. Everyone will be waking up soon and I will go downstairs to look for some jobs (got the foreclosure notice so I better learn quickly to focus here .. Time is slipping away..wake up me).

I thought of running away and becoming a superhero and even made myself a website (a bit dark and gloomy but at least it's an option for me) - **edit** I think it turned out pretty good.

My thought this morning ... Let's get through the day ... Keep sorting the thoughts .. Try to show only love for the sake of the kids and everyone here.

I don't know what to do but i realize in this moment i still have time to think I can always decide tomorrow or in 19 more years ....

19years . Kids . Love. What a ride.

A bad year.
Gunna go run a quick mile before it all starts again. The next showing of my movie starts in 30 sec. God I hate these reruns.

Well met all ... My name was Marty
This is my first post.

ps I sometimes feel ripped off that she got to have so much sex while I got none and I did turn it away when presented to me on numerous occasions in life. These thoughts were never here before. I'm 43 years old and I'm just starting to learn about how fun this sex stuff can be. Hmmm..is it a trap?
Is she just having sex now as a way to keep me? She says the sex we have now is the best in her life ... And that I look better than ever etc .. It's the best sex I ever had too considering it's almost the only sex I've had haha. Is it a trap? I can honestly say one can never know ... But should i care ... I love this girl ... But she hurt me so badly ...

Maybe the superhero route would be the best ....
Or maybe ...

Why I write this .. who knows ... i know no one can tell me what the right thing is to do ... but i welcome any comments or suggestions - just in case I missed something in my journey and/or just to have something to read in the wee hours of the night.

**edit**

Hi ThePunisher, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that brought you here. Most marriages do not recover from an affair unless they follow a very narrow path. That is what Marriage Builders helps us with. The plan for recovery after an affair involves a) affair proofing the marriage and b) restoring the romantic love in the marriage. Here are some good links:

How to Survive Infidelity

and Dr Harley's book: Surviving An Affair

DO NOT continue to add and/or replace links that have been removed by the moderators.

Continuing to do so will cost you the priviledge of posting on our forums!!

JustUss
Admin

Welcome to Marriagebuilders.

I am very sorry to hear about your burden. It is an exceptionally heavy one. The lies are the real poison arrows and you've had 20 years of them.

Your only shot here is to get at the honesty. Get the facts and draw up a plan.

You can't base your future on feelings alone. Of course you love her. You aren't a robot. But you need to decide whether it is safe to do so.

I would (without telling her just yet) find out who does reliable polygraphs in your area. We can then guide you as to what to do with that resource.

Her affairs need to be exposed far and wide. Good job telling the children. They now they can trust you for the truth at least.

And bravo for warning the poor BW.

Who else knows and who is supporting you?

I have no one to talk to. I am in a foreign country far from any family and have no friends here - just my kids and I (who have been the glue - I give them an A++ on social studies this year !

Its funny I read this stuff now and am amazed with how much stuff I came up with myself that is the same as suggested here. I just looked up a polygraph website yesterday and told her I want her to take one. I was just going to bluff and drive out there (cant really afford one) ... but sure - any tips if I do go through with it are appreciated -- i already have a short list of questions I recently asked her (for the 100th time probably) and got her answers ... those questions that just dont sit right with me with her story ...

Family should be exposed to even if they are far away.

Would your parents or hers call her up? Do they know? Grandparents? Siblings?

Whose opinion does she value? Who does she have besides you?

TP, we have had amazingly good results with polygraphs. Most of the confessions come BEFORE the actual test. The BS sets up the appointment and then 2 days before the appt tells the WS and hands him/her a list of questions. Give her one last chance to come clean before the test but make it clear that the marriage is not going forward unless they pass the test. They typically sing like a canary!!

It goes like this:

1. BS informs WS of the test and hands her a list of 20 questions that must be answered before the test

2. WS initially agrees to take the test trying to look innocent

3. shortly thereafter the WS comes back with a "reason" why he can't take the test, "can't afford it," "you will never trust me," "polygraphs are unreliable"

4. when the BS won't fall for it, the WS gets mad and threatens divorce. "If we have to go to these lengths I would rather get a divorce!!"

5. when none of the tactics work, the WS attempts to answer the questions honestly. sometimes they answer honestly and other times they will answer a FEW questions honestly in the hopes that will get the BS to cancel the polygraph

6. On the way to the appt, the WS usually confesses a few more things

7. most do pass the test because by the time they get there everything is confessed

Brilliant post Mel

That's exactly how it usually goes down, TP. So prepare for the trickle truth.

Dishonesty is a long term habit for her and you will need to be resolute in order to break it.

In addition to these excellent tips here is a thread on polygraphs with questions that posters have used.

Polygraph Testing

Oh as for WHO knows ... everyone ... Banner made sure of that.
Problem is all her 4 siblings cheated on their spouses too and just tell her to get out. My family is more messed up than hers. So I just meant I have no one to talk too.

It certainly doesnt help my self esteem when you try to take somone back and have to walk around knowing other people know. Makes me feel ... well ... lets just say there are some pretty big internal battles going on there.

I think I believe her - she has stuck through alot these last 10 months - but maybe she just has no better option

(I don't believe that even as I type it - I think she has finally seen what is at stake and hates herself for it - truely).

I ask myself now a bit - do i even want to hear more if there is more ? What will change - its awful enough as it is ... I will be in the same spot with just more horror ...

this is where I get stuck perhaps ... i want and need the honesty but I can understand at this point if there is more how she would fight tooth and nail NOT to tell me because she knows it will be over ?!? Perhaps ???

TP,

One approach to the polygraph someone mentioned on MB was to make a list of questions, review them with your WW, then the only question the polygraph operator asks is did you answer the questions on the sheet honestly.

If there is more your WW is hiding it needs to come out, she will live in fear if it does not.

She never kissed me before like this or at all really

Her guilt for all these years kept her from doing so, more so than no sex the no/barely kissing is really painful, it's the same with my W for 20+ years. Once some women think of themselves as dirty it inhibits them from enjoying sex. I don't understand how women can turn it off for so long.

It is frustrating to think of all the effort I went to through the years to make her happy and stimulated, never realizing the nature of the demon I was fighting. The wasted years do make you want to throw it away, but those same years make you want to rebuilt too.

Be glad you got the dirty details, you can eventually come to terms with them, you won't have to deal with your imagination going wild.

You need to identify those people in your lives who are enemies of your marriage or of marriage in general

Keep posting here to vent, there is often no one for men to speak to, since it is just so stigmatizing for men to be cheated on.

Do the OMs have a facebook page, that may be a good place to start exposure. Does the OM still work for the same company you can threaten a lawsuit.

God Bless
Gamma

You don't necessarily need graphic details but you do need the 'who, what, when and where'

You need to eliminate the conditions which made each affair possible. Therefore you need to know what they were.

If she has had another hidden A with a bartender, the bar needs to be off limits. Kwim?

If there are basic facts she has withheld, yes, you do want to know. And let me tell you why. If she doesn't tell you, you will wonder...........and wonder....and wonder. For the next 30 years. And for the next 30 years your resentment will grow and grow because you KNOW she is still lying. You KNOW she still has secrets with the OM to which you are not privy.

If that is the case, you can get the truth out NOW or you can get it out in 30 years. The sooner you get it out, the sooner you can move forward. But, you will not move forward until you have the facts.

Here is what it takes to recover from an affair:

here

wow...i didnt expect it to work that well.
she finally believed we were going ...
omg .. i wish i didn't hear ..
ignorance is bliss ...

she knew the steps .. she knew the term transparancy .. wtf is she doing .. she is so sad now ... begging .. again ...

You didn't expect WHAT to work that well?

She finally believed you were going...where?

Your post is difficult to understand.

Did you pretend you were taking her to a polygraph and then she disclosed more recent infidelity?

Exactly. Told her about the list of 20 questions.
She says she is sick ... Can't explain the lies
Omg I wish I didn't ask .... But I had to know. And I was right again about her hiding something .... I hate being right ... Not a good day for the punisher ... Here we go again ... The vase shattered into millions of pieces ... To be reconstructed yet again !?!

A real poly is still on of course right?

So you have the complete truth?

Is she willing to do the requirements for recovery?

Requirements for Recovery from an Affair

Stick to doing a real poly. verify

Stay with it.

Chin up

so here i sit ...
what do i do here ...
she told me details about the affair with her boss and how it went on longer than she has been confessing. she also admitted crossing the line with another guy ... says he and her were driving he pulled over told her he loves her sang her a song they hugged and he tried to kiss her and she didnt... whatever ....
i really dont think she would again -- but my mind is spinning here ... how could she so blatently lie these last 10 months of healing over and over .... you guys call it trickle ... but we read of it together .. we read it all ... transparancy .. i think she was just too scared ... obviously . but we agreed no matter how hard it was .. truth ...
holy (&$@ what now ...
what now ...

I know you don't want to hear this, but it's going to take time.

You may need to go to the doctors and get some ADs. They will help you get through this very tumultuous time.

Is she willing to live a completely transparent life? What EPs has she agreed to?

Don't stop now schedule and get a polygraph test done ASAP.

This is the only way that the trickle truth will be over.

Do I want to here more at this point or just take the fact that the worst imaginable things happened and now I have to decide what to do. Or is it part of my punishment to have to here the rest .... To help her heal? I know it drives us crazy not knowing ... But this is getting ridiculous ... I read this tale and all I could think is if this tale was not about me ...i would tell this loser to wake up and dump her .... ( me being the loser of course)

The poly can be used to verify what she has told you. Many people (me included) need to know the truth to be able to heal and move forward.

She could still be lying about the length and extent of her affairs.

No one would fault you if you want to walk away from this trainwreck.

But if you do want to stay married to her, you will need to start with the truth. The whole truth.

Stay strong. You call the shots, not her.

TP,

It's a bit like you are a surgeon removing tumors and you just have to keep operating before she is completely cured.

Part of the problem is that the only person who really knows WW is lying is WW herself, and that self-knowledge will keep WW in a state of fear.

Do not waver on the full polygraph, if your WW has really come clean there will not be any resistance an honest person is eager to prove their truthfulness.

God Bless
Gamma

1) You deserve to know everything, because it was all done to you without your knowledge or consent. Any hopes of recovery rest on full disclosure.

2) Without full disclosure, from your side or hers, there will never be the intimacy required to have a truly loving and romantic marriage... which is the only way to truly recover.

She just admitted that she gave her boss a blow job when she was pregnant (she has been healing with me swearing that she cut it off 6 months before we got pregnant) .. Do I really want to hear more ?!?

I think she realizes how sick the thought is ... How is a man to live with that now ... Do I really want to drag more out that I know is out there .. Do I want to hear more words that will damage whatever is left of me?

... Can the crime be to great to forgive no matter how much effort ... And the lies she has so passonately made to me even in these times ( self defense ? )

Btw - bad day for the punisher

When replying to questions on the topic of infidelity, Dr. Harley recommends "just compensation" rather than forgiveness:

"I approach the subject of forgiveness from the perspective of someone (me) who believes in forgiveness, but also believes that marriage should be fair. Since, in many cases, forgiveness is unfair, what should be done? As you will see in my responses to the three letters I've chosen, I support just compensation for some marital offenses, so I don't always recommend forgiveness. It should be an encouragement to those of you who have been feeling guilty about being unable to forgive and forget. But, at the same time, it should also encourage offenders, because the compensation I propose will earn you a terrific marriage, and it won't hurt at all."

Sorry for your pain.

What is she doing to help you?
Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

TP, you might have already answered this, but has your wife changed jobs? Does she ever see this guy?

wife quit her job at home now.

she says she is not going back to work and I agree that would be bad. but it also (maybe not so right of me) - but I feel like not only did this woman do these things but now I have to stop teaching my kids get a job and take care of the three of them (I guess that is my job but looking at it now -- something just feels unfair about it ) ... couple more little things this morning among the tears and crying and appologies. she says that last night she soul searched for anything else she may have not told me and says again that FINALLY she is clean and so sorry.

I think for the first time in 10 months I am starting to really think of throwing in the towel.. but it's new years eve ... maybe just a hard time to get through ? (that almost made me smile).

And why throw it in now ... maybe ... hmmm...

I like your quote MelodyLane and used it a few times over the last couple of days ...

If you're going though hell - keep going.

I miss smiles. and as I write this I feel that perhaps I am overdramatizing things ... then as I write that I realize that yup ... im crazy.

Punisher, I'm so sorry for the hurt you are dealing with. Just know that you don't have to decide anything RIGHT NOW. Take some time to clear your mind and realize that your emotions are driving your thoughts. Your not crazy, your trying to stand in a topsy-turvy world.

As painful as it feels right now, I assure you that not knowing all the truth would haunt you for years to come. Better to take one hard punch now than die a death of thousand cuts for the next 30 years. Your marriage has chance now.

Yes, you might decide you don't want to recover, but I strongly urge you not to make any decisions right now. You can walk away but you can also have a great marriage if you will stick with this. sorry for your pain, my friend..

There has got to be a solution to this problem that does not involve the use of Thermal Nuclear Weapons ....
.....
She is sorry moping about mad at herself ... I am consoling her (yup you heard it right) ... I told her I will hold her until I decide my path. I bite my tongue every time I try to speak too much about my decisions

I made a video that portrays my feelings and put on my website - I would love to share it as although it may be a bit dark I think alot of us can relate to how I was feeling when I made it.

Is there any way for me to share this link with the community or even my thread here without a warning like I got when I first entered this forums ? I dont think they allow us to post links here.

happy new year to you all.
I am sorry that any of us found this place but think it may be a good resource (but who knows ... im a bit crazy).

They won't let you post links.

You seem desperate to share this video. The thing is, a video isn't helping you in your fight against your wife's affair. You seem rather fixated on that video and yet you reject the Marriage Builders advice that this forum provides, that we have used to fight affairs with success. How is a video any help in your plan?

We know how you feel. We have faced affairs. Our purpose here is not to share the feelings of despair that come with being betrayed but to fight the affair and rebuild the marriage. Your video is neither here nor there when it comes to receiving Marriage Builders advice and help.

I appreciate all your words. I think I'm gunna step away from the forums for now and focus on this other stuff. Sorry again for all your pain out there and good luck to all of you.

Punisher, if you are willing to own your "wrongs" and work on yourself, they can help you here. We get into ruts, bad behaviors, justifications of our bad behavior, anger, etc..... Own, it, face it, accept it, work on changing it. Really, Punisher, that is the only thing you can control - work on and change your self. I can tell you NEED to be here. So, just open up and be here!!! You might hear some things you don't like. That is usually when there is some truth to them!!! They are VERY good at what they do here, and they will not steer you wrong.

So, what do you say?......

As I mentioned in my first post .. I have explored all aspects of anger and they all lead nowhere ... (never hurting others except for the words that escaped my mouth) ... anyways ... here I sit ... still thinking what to do ...
I have been nothing but a better man and all about self improvement. I see my flaws but as I read here I do believe that none of my flaws even comes close to driving her to do what she did to me. ....

even in these last ten months - it's been all about Chilvery with me ... i treat her so well (except the times I verbally attack her out of the complete blue - usally right after sex).

the sex thing is wonderful but at the same time it bugs me on so many levels ...

it wasnt so much the horrible acts and how she pooped on me time and time again ... that probably explains the lies ... but she could have just omitted those facts ... but what she did was actually make up stories and lies about the facts -- big difference. and she has been lieing to me like this over the last 10 months of healing.

heck - she even wrote in her journal lies - knowing I would read it of course -- that I think is wrong on a few levels too.

I want to fight on .. but I seriously am asking myself if I am a fool here ...

I look around in my mind and all I see are fires to put out from the last blow and there are so many ... so many ... everything else is blurred by the smoke.

When I did go through my early days of anger (maybe this will help someone out there) - I looked for all kinds of ways to control it because I had a terrible habit of hurting myself over and over physically. ... Anyways ... one method I tried was I wrote myself a letter and gave it to my wife to give to me (or banner) when I was feeling out of control. She would hand it to me and I would read it to myself and it seemed to switch the anger to tears ... perhaps a recipe someone could use...

It's written in third person because of my multiple personality disorder that came with my discover package.

:::::: Forgiveness :::::::

There are times in life when those we love will make a few mistakes.
It's because of lvoe that these things can hurt us much more than we can take.

But there is a power that we have to help us through these times.
Take a moment to read these words as I try to make them rhyme.

"Before the rage gains too much control, take a look around.
The faces that you see are scared and need you not to frown.

Believe you me, that the pain you feel is felt by all you see.
It may be different but hurts the same for them for you for me.

Already you have struck a blow to those you call so dear!
You have a choice to make right now and your path it MUST be clear!

You may choose to vent the pain - destroy and hurt and rage
Or instead you may choose to accept the love being offered
Protect those that you love in your heart who probably need and want you now just as much as you need and want them."

This power has a name "Forgiveness" and it's not an easy spell.
To master it I'm afraid to say is going to hurt like hell.

You can do it though - you will see - your strong
And the rewards I can tell you ... you can't go wrong!

I've been here before and so have you - we know what we must say.
Fold up this page and get to work to live and laugh and play.

::::::::::::

Reading it now seem like it was so long ago ... oh the stuff we went through together ... she stuck it out ... but the lies ... oh goodness ...

Anyways .. better run ... do something ..

You need a plan, P.

Venting isnt going to do anything.

Exactly - I would go back to the first reply to you by MelodyLane and start there, read this link and buy this book Surviving an Affair asap, this gives you a much needed plan. People here understand very well what you are going through. This is a marriagebuilders site by Dr. Harley and we propagate his method, he has saved hundreds of marriages before you and many people here are having happy marriages now.

So, get to work.

You wrote, "It's written in third person because of my multiple personality disorder that came with my discover package." My understanding is that the disorder is actually caused by childhood trauma: "Dissociative identity disorder (previously known as multiple personality disorder) is an effect of severe trauma during early childhood, usually extreme, repetitive physical, sexual, or emotional abuse" (WebMD). Do you believe that is incorrect?

I certainly had a messed up childhood with a drunk mother stabbed her boyfriend on my bed, who had boyfriends that hit me a few times sure, and killed herself at 30 ... but that's why I fought so hard and protected my children so much and loved them so much. I wanted my kids to grow up in a home filled with love only. I thought my wife was on board with this - and now it's like she not only messed up the rest of my life - but maybe even messed up my whole friggin bloodline.

Overprotected my kids - Just never thought I would have to protect them from thier mother.

Our money is running out and I still am not sure what I am going to do - which make the pressure even greater.

If multiple personality disorder is caused by childhood trauma, why do you believe your disorder was caused by your wife?

I really don't believe there is any multiple personality disorders within me .. I thi k it's just me dramatizing things.

Reading over my posts now is a bit disturbing as it is missing slot of the talk about the good things that came from this whole experience.

The last few days have been pretty hard on me and last night my wife gave me a letter expressing how sorry she is but I found that as I read it that it did not bring out much emotion from me this time (ie I did not cr this time). I more or less read it looking for things she is trying to hide with her choice of words instead. This can't be a good sign for our relationship.

The polls are down today for her and I let her know this as we held each other this morning. I also let her know that although I am going through some rough times here, that I still need time to think.

Then I start to think ... That's not fair of me to make her have to wait for me to decide ... Maybe she will get sick of all this repair time and dump me ? How bad would that be.

I think the main reason for me being on these forums right now at this point in my life is that I thought I did it I guess, I thought the ride was coming to an end but now my wife and i realize that she accidentally put another token in just as we were jumping off.

Here we go again ... But maybe this time there will be some shortcuts .... Or maybe ....

* runs off to look for a lobotomy coupon somewhere in the house

Status report:
I believe she is sorry
I believe she won't do it again
I believe I understand the trickle lies and that they were not meant to hurt me
I am not sure of much else ...

Your "Forgiveness" letter seems like an attempt to talk yourself out punishing others. Also, your posts contain an enormous amount of violent imagery and expressions of uncontrolled rage:

"I have bruises and scars from my physical attacks on myself ... Late night and early morning head smashing sessions."

"I have explored all aspects of anger - they all lead nowhere good."

"I do not like the angry me. I never met him before but let me tell you he is a [censored]."

"The internal battles ... Both mental and physical as he hits me in the face and rarely holds back. (please note that my rage and torment although sometimes out of my control, is always directed at inflicting pain on myself only)"

"Expect for those evil words that spew from my mouth every once in a while when my walls leak a bit. Those words I know hurt my kids and each day I vow not to let 'banner' out to vent his rage (Banner is the name I gave to my new split personality - he's the angry elf in me - banner like David banner from hulk you know)."

"The kids don't like it when banner smashes things (like my guitar the other day - doh! Note to self ... Stop breaking stuff)"

"I treat her so well (except the times I verbally attack her out of the complete blue - usally right after sex)"

"I looked for all kinds of ways to control it because I had a terrible habit of hurting myself over and over physically"

Are you currently in treatment for anger management?

Punisher, if your wife is as remorseful as she claims to be, is she willing to establish Extyraordinary Precautions to protect you and your marriage?


And just as importantly, would you be willing to allow her to prove her willingness by doing these things?

Would she be willing to post here?

Would you both be willing to coach with one of the Marriagebuilders coaches? Coaching Center

she is doing all that and willing to do anything
i just need her to stop lying
i thought of having us both post here she says she would
i just have to figure things out
i just need to forget it all would be best
i really do appreciate all your help and support

Follow the plan posted by ML and stop spinning your wheels

x2!

Punisher: You told us that you have multiple personality disorder simply because you liked the dramatic effect?

Sure are you guys saying you don't hear that theme noire narator playing in the back of your head telling you the sad tale over and over ....

In all seriousness .. I'm just a sad guy that's been sad so long. It's a battle for sure in my mind stay or go.

As for the poly ... I really don't think I want to hear the rest which I am sure is there. May as well save the money and just assume the worst. Cause really ... Can it get any worse.

I really am torn up here ... For the first time in this year I really contemplate leaving and starting over. But is that selfish ... I know it will kill me to miss any time with my kids .... I think my only other option really comes down to we just have to pretend it didn't happen knowing it always did and that's it. Not fun but doable perhaps ...

I question if she ever really did love me ever ... She seems to now for sure.

Oh and may as well give you guys this one to analyze.
She knew that she was the only girl I had intercourse with.
So I really feel ripped off of all my youth ... Like she locked me in a closet went out had her fun ... Never let me have any and never gave me any over the years ... And now she opens the closet. I really do feel ripped off because now I go back and think of the opportunities i turned down where I could have had a bit of fun in this world.

I know no one can tell anyone the right thing to do in any situation because every situation is unique. I will find a path and I will hold my wife close and be a good father and husband as I sort this all out in my head.

Have a good night all.

No not really. Its been known to happen but I didn't write it a theme tune and dress the cast.

There are better things to do. Like living.

TP,

I read your post last night before I went to bed and I could not sleep thinking about your situation. I am a FWW. I was your wife last year at this time. I was very remorseful for my mistake but I still wanted to blame my actions on someone else and had no idea how to show my husband Just Compensation. In addition, it took me coming to this site to realize how poor my boundaries were with men and how I was hurting my marriage with my actions.

Will your wife come to the forum and post? It did wonders for me!! You might want to warn her, the people here are extremely honest and sometimes she might not like what they say. However, their goal is to "Build Marriages" and almost everyone on here gives you advice that will do just that.

I learned how to fix myself, how to set my marriage up to be safe, how to communicate with my H, how to truly show him just compensation.

You and your wife both need help and this forum is the best medicine. I know you feel hopeless, ready to give up, scared, and really don't know what to do. Even though she is the culprit, your wife probably feels this way as well.

Don't just have her say she is going to post here, get her on ASAP!

Has she read your post?

No. When my ex husband cheated on me, I didn't feel the need to fabricate details for dramatic effect.

Why do you keep posting your creative writing on this message board? I suspect the reason you have completely ignored everyone's advice is because very little of your story is actually true. You are just playing games with us.

Your statement, "I know no one can tell anyone the right thing to do in any situation because every situation is unique" proves you haven't even bothered to familiarize yourself with the MB principles. If you had, you'd understand that every infidelity situation is not unique; certain problems are common to all infidelity situations; and this website provides a logical, step-by-step action plan for solving those problems. If you would simply be honest--rather than continuing to post self-indulgent melodrama--you could get excellent advice from the vets on this message board.

JC,

The thought that this was a sick joke also crossed my mind. If the story is true however, both TP and his wife need MB and this site more than ever. If TP is just trying to get famous and get us to read his "dark" link then he is pathetic and needs to find something else to do with his time.

I really hope it that is not the case. Either way TP, if you are going to ask for help....then use it!!

Really ... I come here and now I'm being called the liar. Sorry my words dont sound right and maybe it's just because I'm new at posting on message boards like this. It is a sad tale in my mind ..

Anyways .. Feel free to attack me .. I can tAke it.

My wife has read this post as I am open with her and even mentioned it may be good for her to post here too. The thing is ... Arent we all here just grasping at straws a bit ...

I'll mention it to her again ...

Fifteenyears .. Looking at my life right now does feel like a sick joke sometimes. I never came here asking for help ... I have been here lots and because of all the valuable information I have found here that helped me through the last year ... When this last freight train (sorry foe the analogies) hit me I guess I just needed to tell my story somehow ... Probably just feeling sorry for myself.

No not at all. Most of us are following a plan.

This site is very solution-orientated. While I wouldnt call you a liar, I would say most spouses in your shoes want to find a solution. Are desperate for one in fact. So it comes across very strangely that you don't.

I never came here asking for help ... I have been here lots and because of all the valuable information I have found here that helped me through the last year

TP, the entire statement above seems like a contradiction to me. You have more than the right to tell your story but also listen to the wise people on this site who can help you deal with the freight train. This forum is made not just for people to tell their story but also to use MB principals to make their marriages stronger.

You have the right to feel sorry for yourself. I feel horrible for you, it kept me up last night. But at the same time I feel like if you really read the information applied it to your marriage, that changes would have started...maybe I am grasping at straws and I am sorry if I am doing so.

I myself have been on here a year as well and know that if you are reading and using the material the way is should be used that your marriage should start to recover and you and your wife should know each others EN's, she should be showing you Just Compensation.

I do see that she has used trickle truth and every time you learned more, it set you back to square one. You however, now have should have the information from this site and forum to change and or help the situation that you are in.

Punisher, are you taking anger management classes? Have you been to a dr for anti-depressants?

Here is a letter she wrote me the other day ...

Dear Marty,
Jan. 1, 2013

I've thought long and hard about how to start and write this letter, and
what specifically was most important for me to share with you. �There are so
many things I need to say.

I understand. �Although it has taken much time, and selfishly this process
has been a lengthy and horrific path for you, and our kids, I finally
understand the deep, dark, insidious depths of my choices in life, and their
ever lasting consequences. ����I truly understand that there are no excuses;
no reasons, no marital or life problems that can or should ever be expected
to justify my actions. �After years of lies on top of lies, I understand
that my actions and my lies have caused you the most unbearable pain, fear
and physical and emotional destruction. �I understand that I have tragically
hurt and scarred our innocent children. �I understand that trickling the
lies has completely destroyed your ability to trust me. �I understand that
every day you are here beside me, fighting for us, our love and our future,
that I do not deserve it. �For what I have done, I do not deserve you. �I
understand all of this now, now that I am not living life hiding behind a
curtain of lies, and a mask of deception and untruths. �I understand that
through the course of our life together, I can no longer call my past, my
actions merely 'mistakes'. �I understand that I made a series of very, very
regrettable choices and I take full responsibility for the tragedy of our
life today. �I understand that some truths are too painful, to be forgiven.

I am thankful. �Plain and simple, I am thankful for you and everything that
you are and value in life. �You are a good person Marty; you are true to
your heart and you know what matters the most in life. �You have always been
committed to our family, you never strayed, you never lost focus, and you
always worked hard. �You are a good husband and a good father. �Thank you.
You have deserved so much more love in life, and I want to give that to you.
I am so thankful and most grateful that you have never given up on me, on
us, now and in the past, during the good times and the bad, you never gave
up. �You have taken the hard path, thank you. �I am thankful that every day
you find new ways to keep moving forward, with me. �Thank you for being you.

I am sorry. �I am sorry that I betrayed you. �I am sorry that I cheated on
you multiple times, and that I have lied all these years to hide the truth,
only to protect myself and the other guilty cheaters. �I regret that I lied
about my lies. �Instead of living my wedding vows to you faithfully, I
completely disrespected you. �Instead of nurturing you and your love, I
treated you like [censored] and I gave my love away. �I took you, your love and
the family that you gave me, all for granted. �I am so sorry and remorseful
for this. �I am sorry for kicking you when you were down, then kicking you
again. �I am sorry that when you gave your trust and love to me, that I
chose to hurt you. �I have been selfish and pathetic, and I regret to have
been this person that I so dislike. �I am ashamed of my past, and my
actions. �Marty, I know your pain runs deep, deeper than I can even
understand and I am so sorry for being the cause. �I know that everything
around you is a potential trigger, and that the movies play nonstop on some
sort of sick, constant playback scramble. �I am so sorry for placing this
inside your brain, and that it consumes your every thought. ��I desperately
want to remove it, to make all your pain go away and I would give anything
to do that.

I love you. �What is love? �This is a deep question with many
interpretations and answers. �Who knows what is the true answer is? �In our
world together, no one knows, but us. �Here's what I know. �I know that when
given the numerous chances in life to walk away, to start over, and to leave
the past, present and future, we never did. ��Neither of us did, not 15
years ago, not 3 years ago and not now. �Why? Was this stupidity, or
confusion, or fear of change? �Did we stay because of the kids? �Are we
still here because it was easier financially? �Did we never give up because
we are too afraid to start over, alone? �I don't think so. �Not any of these
reasons. �We are here today because we feel love for each other, and it's
the kind of love you only feel once in life and is a love that lasts a
lifetime. �We are here together today because we are hanging on to that
love, like a thin thread, we hang on. �But my love...the strength of our
thread is greater than the strongest wire. �This love is only what matters,
and we feel it, and we won't let go. �Marty, I love you sincerely from every
core of my being; I love you with my heart and soul. �I want to share my
love with you and only you every day from this day forward. �I do not want
to lose another day to lies and deception. �I will never cheat on you again,
and I promise that as we face new challenges in our marriage and life, I
will come talk to you and share my feelings and help find constructive
solutions together, because I understand now that there is no way possible
this could hurt any more than the pain I have already caused you through
infidelity. �I desperately want to be your best friend. �I want you to me
mine. �I want to laugh with you, play games with you, and I want to cry with
you and hold you when you need me. �I want to grow old together, and watch
our babies grow and our family grow. �I want to earn your trust back. �I
want to make you happy.

I have found new meaning in my life. ��These are new goals for me; they are
simple and if I can achieve them, they will be most rewarding for everyone
that I love. �Marty, I have looked into the eye of this island and what I
found...is beautiful. �My love, you are my island. �You are the center of my
universe, one I want to explore deeply, together. �

I understand. �I am thankful. �I am sorry. �I love you.

Together, or apart, you will always be my true love.

Forever yours,

Kim

TP,

I did not think you were lying btw, so that is not a shared view by everyone on this website.

Your writings were a bit wacky at times, but that is entirely consistent with someone who just found out their life is a fake and needs to be rebuilt.

God Bless
Gamma

Rocketqueen ... I'm not angry anymore ... As I say anger is counterproductive and leads nowhere. I'm just a bit depressed a bit.

Feeling a bit better today though.

This letter of hers is just words. Read the plan ML posted to you!!!!!! You will see there is no mention of listening to the wayward drone on in a letter in the SAA plan.

Listening to what she says is not any plan at all. You will see that some of our veteran posters who offer the best advice have disappeared from your thread.

That is because you are seemingly not interested in it.

That letter is beautiful and seems very sincere. I really hope she means every word in the letter. I wrote a very similar letter to my H right after my A.

I will share with you the same thing that was shared with me by my H and a number of people on here...actions speak louder than words. So if she is proving to you that she is committed and using MB principals to help you and your marriage than I am proud of both of you and can only encourage you to keep going and keep with the program.

Her words in that letter however and what you have written on here do not prove to me that you are practicing the concepts.

Both my H and I went for months half a$$ing it and we nearly fell apart. It was not until we were both truly committed to applying the principals to our marriage before it ever had a fighting chance. I year later, we still have an extremely long way to go.

I am on your side! I want to see you guys get through this. What I am trying to show you is that your wife can be so very sorry and can say that she is remorseful...but is she showing you this? Do you have your Just Compensation?

Dear Members,

If you are having difficulty "believing" a story or frustrated with the inability of a member to take action, PLEASE do not make accusations on their thread.

PLEASE notify a moderator & move on to another thread!

***edit***

**Please read above post****

Deleting after JustUss' post.

Since specific incidents were referenced regarding one of the personas (i.e. "Banner"), I assumed the stories were intended to be read literally. That's why I asked about treatment for anger management. I suppose I didn't get an answer to that question because I should have known that the incidents were merely figurative. I apologize for misunderstanding.

I deleted my post within seconds, therefore you shouldn't be addressing it any more. It doesn't matter.

Glad to hear it. I re-read your first post and was concerned about your "banner" moments. There is counseling available to help you manage it if it is something you have trouble with.
As for the depression, there is no shame in taking anti-depressants. You, as well as all of us BS', were dealt a terrible blow when we found out about our spouse's infidelity. The AD's help with the sleeping, eating and thinking more clearly.

Punished,

You can carry on feeling sorry for yourself and be miserable or you can do something constructive to help yourself, your marriage and the kids stuck in this unpleasant situation.

I am the type of person who subscribes to helping people who want to help themselves. You seam stuck in wanting to be miserable but for the sake of the kids and everyones sanity I would suggest listening to the beneficial advice your getting and get yourself out of this misery. The people here want to help you and want you to be in a strong loving marriage.

Your wife may well still be lying and it is in your interest to find out how and when and with whom she betrayed you by going through with the lie detector test so you can make an informed decision about how to protect your marriage from further betrayals and rebuild it or if you feel it is the right for you divorce.

I can relate with the insanity that we betrayed spouses can go though when we find out about an affair but this insanity has to end at some point. This is that point for you, grab the lifeline you have been given here and pull yourself out of this misery.

I really hope things get better for you soon.

Punisher,

Is your WW living her life completely transparent now? Has she put EPs in place?