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OP
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I appreciate all your words. I think I'm gunna step away from the forums for now and focus on this other stuff. Sorry again for all your pain out there and good luck to all of you.
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Punisher, if you are willing to own your "wrongs" and work on yourself, they can help you here. We get into ruts, bad behaviors, justifications of our bad behavior, anger, etc..... Own, it, face it, accept it, work on changing it. Really, Punisher, that is the only thing you can control - work on and change your self. I can tell you NEED to be here. So, just open up and be here!!! You might hear some things you don't like. That is usually when there is some truth to them!!! They are VERY good at what they do here, and they will not steer you wrong.
So, what do you say?......
BS Me 47,WH 49
DS's x3 17, 10, 7
Multiple D-Days
No disclosure by WH. No EP's, no transparency, no guilt or remorse either.
Plan C DOES NOT WORK!
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As I mentioned in my first post .. I have explored all aspects of anger and they all lead nowhere ... (never hurting others except for the words that escaped my mouth) ... anyways ... here I sit ... still thinking what to do ...
I have been nothing but a better man and all about self improvement. I see my flaws but as I read here I do believe that none of my flaws even comes close to driving her to do what she did to me. ....
even in these last ten months - it's been all about Chilvery with me ... i treat her so well (except the times I verbally attack her out of the complete blue - usally right after sex).
the sex thing is wonderful but at the same time it bugs me on so many levels ...
it wasnt so much the horrible acts and how she pooped on me time and time again ... that probably explains the lies ... but she could have just omitted those facts ... but what she did was actually make up stories and lies about the facts -- big difference. and she has been lieing to me like this over the last 10 months of healing.
heck - she even wrote in her journal lies - knowing I would read it of course -- that I think is wrong on a few levels too.
I want to fight on .. but I seriously am asking myself if I am a fool here ...
I look around in my mind and all I see are fires to put out from the last blow and there are so many ... so many ... everything else is blurred by the smoke.
When I did go through my early days of anger (maybe this will help someone out there) - I looked for all kinds of ways to control it because I had a terrible habit of hurting myself over and over physically. ... Anyways ... one method I tried was I wrote myself a letter and gave it to my wife to give to me (or banner) when I was feeling out of control. She would hand it to me and I would read it to myself and it seemed to switch the anger to tears ... perhaps a recipe someone could use...
It's written in third person because of my multiple personality disorder that came with my discover package.
:::::: Forgiveness :::::::
There are times in life when those we love will make a few mistakes.
It's because of lvoe that these things can hurt us much more than we can take.
But there is a power that we have to help us through these times.
Take a moment to read these words as I try to make them rhyme.
"Before the rage gains too much control, take a look around.
The faces that you see are scared and need you not to frown.
Believe you me, that the pain you feel is felt by all you see.
It may be different but hurts the same for them for you for me.
Already you have struck a blow to those you call so dear!
You have a choice to make right now and your path it MUST be clear!
You may choose to vent the pain - destroy and hurt and rage
Or instead you may choose to accept the love being offered
Protect those that you love in your heart who probably need and want you now just as much as you need and want them."
This power has a name "Forgiveness" and it's not an easy spell.
To master it I'm afraid to say is going to hurt like hell.
You can do it though - you will see - your strong
And the rewards I can tell you ... you can't go wrong!
I've been here before and so have you - we know what we must say.
Fold up this page and get to work to live and laugh and play.
::::::::::::
Reading it now seem like it was so long ago ... oh the stuff we went through together ... she stuck it out ... but the lies ... oh goodness ...
Anyways .. better run ... do something ..
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You need a plan, P.
Venting isnt going to do anything.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Exactly - I would go back to the first reply to you by MelodyLane and start there, read this link and buy this book Surviving an Affair asap, this gives you a much needed plan. People here understand very well what you are going through. This is a marriagebuilders site by Dr. Harley and we propagate his method, he has saved hundreds of marriages before you and many people here are having happy marriages now.
So, get to work.
Me, FWW: 43
Mr_Recon6mo, FWH: 44
DD20 and DS23
3 cats
Married 23 years, together 24
Divorcing
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You wrote, "It's written in third person because of my multiple personality disorder that came with my discover package." My understanding is that the disorder is actually caused by childhood trauma: "Dissociative identity disorder (previously known as multiple personality disorder) is an effect of severe trauma during early childhood, usually extreme, repetitive physical, sexual, or emotional abuse" (WebMD). Do you believe that is incorrect?
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OP
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I certainly had a messed up childhood with a drunk mother stabbed her boyfriend on my bed, who had boyfriends that hit me a few times sure, and killed herself at 30 ... but that's why I fought so hard and protected my children so much and loved them so much. I wanted my kids to grow up in a home filled with love only. I thought my wife was on board with this - and now it's like she not only messed up the rest of my life - but maybe even messed up my whole friggin bloodline.
Overprotected my kids - Just never thought I would have to protect them from thier mother.
Our money is running out and I still am not sure what I am going to do - which make the pressure even greater.
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If multiple personality disorder is caused by childhood trauma, why do you believe your disorder was caused by your wife?
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I really don't believe there is any multiple personality disorders within me .. I thi k it's just me dramatizing things.
Reading over my posts now is a bit disturbing as it is missing slot of the talk about the good things that came from this whole experience.
The last few days have been pretty hard on me and last night my wife gave me a letter expressing how sorry she is but I found that as I read it that it did not bring out much emotion from me this time (ie I did not cr this time). I more or less read it looking for things she is trying to hide with her choice of words instead. This can't be a good sign for our relationship.
The polls are down today for her and I let her know this as we held each other this morning. I also let her know that although I am going through some rough times here, that I still need time to think.
Then I start to think ... That's not fair of me to make her have to wait for me to decide ... Maybe she will get sick of all this repair time and dump me ? How bad would that be.
I think the main reason for me being on these forums right now at this point in my life is that I thought I did it I guess, I thought the ride was coming to an end but now my wife and i realize that she accidentally put another token in just as we were jumping off.
Here we go again ... But maybe this time there will be some shortcuts .... Or maybe ....
* runs off to look for a lobotomy coupon somewhere in the house
Status report:
I believe she is sorry
I believe she won't do it again
I believe I understand the trickle lies and that they were not meant to hurt me
I am not sure of much else ...
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Your "Forgiveness" letter seems like an attempt to talk yourself out punishing others. Also, your posts contain an enormous amount of violent imagery and expressions of uncontrolled rage:
"I have bruises and scars from my physical attacks on myself ... Late night and early morning head smashing sessions."
"I have explored all aspects of anger - they all lead nowhere good."
"I do not like the angry me. I never met him before but let me tell you he is a [censored]."
"The internal battles ... Both mental and physical as he hits me in the face and rarely holds back. (please note that my rage and torment although sometimes out of my control, is always directed at inflicting pain on myself only)"
"Expect for those evil words that spew from my mouth every once in a while when my walls leak a bit. Those words I know hurt my kids and each day I vow not to let 'banner' out to vent his rage (Banner is the name I gave to my new split personality - he's the angry elf in me - banner like David banner from hulk you know)."
"The kids don't like it when banner smashes things (like my guitar the other day - doh! Note to self ... Stop breaking stuff)"
"I treat her so well (except the times I verbally attack her out of the complete blue - usally right after sex)"
"I looked for all kinds of ways to control it because I had a terrible habit of hurting myself over and over physically"
Are you currently in treatment for anger management?
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Punisher, if your wife is as remorseful as she claims to be, is she willing to establish Extyraordinary Precautions to protect you and your marriage? A) Blocking all communication with Affair Partners (AP�s)
B) Accounting for all of your time
C) Accounting for all money
D) Spending your leisure time with your wife.
EP�s are put into place to protect your spouse.
Protection = Care
EP�s are also designed to ELIMINATE the opportunity to have a secret second life.
Ok, so let�s talk about two different categories you need to create in your list of EP�s.
The first category is a list of one-time EPs that you will need to make sure you complete quickly.
The second category is a list of EPs that you will follow for a lifetime.
So let�s start with the first category items.
(what follows are SUGGESTIONS, remember this is going to be YOUR list)
A) Change cell phone number and give password & account access to your spouse.
B) Change email account.
C) Eliminate all social networking accounts (i.e., Face book, Classmates, My Space, etc.)
D) Take a polygraph
E) Make a copy of my vehicle keys and any other keys my spouse does not have and give to them (i.e., safe deposit boxes, business keys, storage cabinets/lockers, etc.)
F) List out passwords for all business and personal computer logins, and any other passwords my spouse does not have access to.
G) Give my spouse access to any banking/financial accounts, business and personal.
H) Install software that tracks all internet use, giving my spouse administrative access.
I) Install a webcam/security cameras for while at work that my spouse can access.
J) I will contact an attorney that will work on my spouse�s behalf and write a post-nuptial agreement.
K) Sell the house/purchase a new one.
L) Sell any vehicle AP was in and replace them.
Continuous...
A) I will protect my spouse and their feelings above all else.
B) I will not participate in any one-on-one meetings with anyone of the opposite sex.
C) I will not discuss my personal marriage issues with anyone of the opposite sex.
D) I will not attend clubs, strip joints, or any such establishment
E) I agree to use POJA as a basis for all decisions.
F) I will be open and honest with my spouse at all times about the past and present.
G) I will provide my spouse a daily schedule of all appointments and contact information.
H) If I need to make an adjustment to my schedule, I will notify my spouse of the change immediately.
I) I will make my spouse�s phone calls my highest priority by answering them or returning them immediately.
J) I will avoid all chat rooms, porn, member sites, etc.
K) I will trade phones with my spouse at any time they request, NO questions asked.
L) I will leave my phone accessible to my spouse at night/or anytime I�m home.
M) I will commit to at least 15 hours of undivided attention with my spouse to meet each other�s ENs every week (time working together does not count toward those 15 hours).
N) If AP finds a way to make contact, I will immediately end the contact and notify my spouse about it immediately after.
O) I will install a keylogger, GPS, or any other tracking system my spouse may request.
P) Anytime I have the thought, �I don�t want my spouse to know about��.�, I will call my spouse immediately and tell them my thoughts.
Q) Anything else my spouse wants as a boundary.
Use this as a starting point for working further on your EPs. Add and change items that suit your situation.
Whatever you do, put your list together and post it on your own thread and then allow for some feedback from those that have been through this exercise. We want you to perfect your list before offering it to your spouse. There is so very little that a wayward can truly offer as compensation for the huge amount of damage caused by such a selfish act as adultery that we want to make sure this is done well. The continuation of your marriage is riding on these actions! And just as importantly, would you be willing to allow her to prove her willingness by doing these things? Would she be willing to post here? Would you both be willing to coach with one of the Marriagebuilders coaches? Coaching Center
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she is doing all that and willing to do anything
i just need her to stop lying
i thought of having us both post here she says she would
i just have to figure things out
i just need to forget it all would be best
i really do appreciate all your help and support
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Our money is running out and I still am not sure what I am going to do - which make the pressure even greater. Follow the plan posted by ML and stop spinning your wheels
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Our money is running out and I still am not sure what I am going to do - which make the pressure even greater. Follow the plan posted by ML and stop spinning your wheels x2!
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Punisher: You told us that you have multiple personality disorder simply because you liked the dramatic effect?
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Sure are you guys saying you don't hear that theme noire narator playing in the back of your head telling you the sad tale over and over ....
In all seriousness .. I'm just a sad guy that's been sad so long. It's a battle for sure in my mind stay or go.
As for the poly ... I really don't think I want to hear the rest which I am sure is there. May as well save the money and just assume the worst. Cause really ... Can it get any worse.
I really am torn up here ... For the first time in this year I really contemplate leaving and starting over. But is that selfish ... I know it will kill me to miss any time with my kids .... I think my only other option really comes down to we just have to pretend it didn't happen knowing it always did and that's it. Not fun but doable perhaps ...
I question if she ever really did love me ever ... She seems to now for sure.
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Oh and may as well give you guys this one to analyze.
She knew that she was the only girl I had intercourse with.
So I really feel ripped off of all my youth ... Like she locked me in a closet went out had her fun ... Never let me have any and never gave me any over the years ... And now she opens the closet. I really do feel ripped off because now I go back and think of the opportunities i turned down where I could have had a bit of fun in this world.
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I know no one can tell anyone the right thing to do in any situation because every situation is unique. I will find a path and I will hold my wife close and be a good father and husband as I sort this all out in my head.
Have a good night all.
Last edited by ThePunisher; 01/03/13 12:36 AM.
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Sure are you guys saying you don't hear that theme noire narator playing in the back of your head telling you the sad tale over and over .... No not really. Its been known to happen but I didn't write it a theme tune and dress the cast. There are better things to do. Like living.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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she is doing all that and willing to do anything
i just need her to stop lying
i thought of having us both post here she says she would
i just have to figure things out
i just need to forget it all would be best
i really do appreciate all your help and support TP, I read your post last night before I went to bed and I could not sleep thinking about your situation. I am a FWW. I was your wife last year at this time. I was very remorseful for my mistake but I still wanted to blame my actions on someone else and had no idea how to show my husband Just Compensation. In addition, it took me coming to this site to realize how poor my boundaries were with men and how I was hurting my marriage with my actions. Will your wife come to the forum and post? It did wonders for me!! You might want to warn her, the people here are extremely honest and sometimes she might not like what they say. However, their goal is to "Build Marriages" and almost everyone on here gives you advice that will do just that. I learned how to fix myself, how to set my marriage up to be safe, how to communicate with my H, how to truly show him just compensation. You and your wife both need help and this forum is the best medicine. I know you feel hopeless, ready to give up, scared, and really don't know what to do. Even though she is the culprit, your wife probably feels this way as well. Don't just have her say she is going to post here, get her on ASAP! Has she read your post?
Me (WS) Husband (BS)
DS - 15
DD -10
My D-day - 11/12/11
Today Me (BS) H (WS)
D-Day #2 01/14/12
I don't want to just survive my affair, I want to recover from it!
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