My husband sent me a link to this site today and I have been on it for the past 7 hours trying to gather information. I just found the forum and really hope someone can offer me some help.

I cheated on my husband. Almost a year ago I started talking to my first boyfriend on Facebook. At first it was completely innocent how have you been sort of stuff. About 6 months ago it turned romantic. At the same time, for a variety of reasons all stemming back to a lack of communication, I was convinced that my husband did not care about me and was only with me out of obligation and of course I was too childish to bring this up but instead got all of the emotional support and attention that I was missing from my former boyfriend. In August, my husband went out of town and I saw my old bf in Fresno for the first time, since high school. We spent the day together but nothing physical. The online talks grew deeper and between September and October I slept with him twice. In November my husband logged into my Facebook account and read a message to discover the affair. He threw me out of the house that night.
The next day I went with my family to get my stuff. As we were packing we started discussing things. He mentioned counseling and trying to work things out so I told my bf that I couldn't talk to him while I was working on things. 6 am the next morning my husband called and told me that he didn't want to try and he called my bf and told him he could have me. After a couple more days of moving and talking, the subject of reconciliation came up again. I spent the night with my husband and we were intimate. A couple days later I stupidly replied to a message from the bf where he was talking about how scared he was and ended up messaging him for nearly an hour, then lied to my husband when he asked if I had spoken to the bf. it turns out head gotten into my Facebook account again and knew it all. After talking to my husband and letting him know I was scared that he wouldn't want me back and I would be all alone, I ended it with the boyfriend. In retaliation he sent copies of all of the messages we had exchanged to my husband. I have not spoken to the boyfriend since and will not be again regardless of what happens with my husband.
After that long background story, my question is how do I convince my husband that it is worth staying together? We spoke to a pastor and he laid a good foundation and we have been trying to work on things with me staying with him on weekends but he does not want me to move back yet and flip flops daily on whether he wants to try to work on improving what was lacking in our relationship or cutting his losses and moving on.
I love him very much and would never had done any of this if I had swallowed my pride and addressed my problems with him in the first place, how do I convince him I'm worth taking a chance again?

Welcome to MB.

Does your BH post here?

Is OM married?

Who all knows about Your Affair?

Did you write a NC letter to OM?

Have you been STD tested?

Sorry, I'm not clear what all the abbreviations mean. Based on my guesses
BH is my husband? To my knowledge he does not post here. Part of what is prompting me to seek more advice is that this is the first weekend since he found out that we have not been together trying to work it out. He decided that he needed some time alone and I am trying to respect his wish for me not to contact him until he lets me know he is ready to talk.
OM would be the other man? he is marrieds but he has been legally separated from his wife for nearly 4 years
Nearly everyone knows about the affair, my parents and sister, my husbands entire family including aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents, the OMs entire family including wife, parents and grandparents, several of my husbands coworkers and many of our friends though I'm not exactly sure of how far the scope of that goes but the day it happened he changed his Facebook status to single so would imagine anyone close to us
I am not sure what NC is
I have not been tested

Here you go.
Acroynoms and Abbreviations

NC=no contact

Do you know where he is at?
Read this.
Recovery After an Affair

Thanks. I didn't see NC on the list but after thinking about it, does it mean no contact? If that is the case, it was done in person. I sent a message telling him that I could not see or talk to him anymore then blocked him from Facebook so he showed up at my door.

The article was what he sent me and was the first thing on MB I read this morning. I don't know where he is because he doesn't know where he is. I have been staying with my sister 110 miles away during the week and going to our home on the weekends. I was there 5 days for New Years and since that time he has gone from dec 30 he wanted me to get the f out of the house and go back to my sisters house ( which I couldn't because I had taken my car in that afternoon to be picked up the next morning) dec 31 after I picked up my car and another long discussion he said he was committed to making the new year a new start for us. Jan 2 we spoke on the phone for a couple hours and he said that he wanted me to start moving back, asked me to borrow my moms van to bring stuff this weekend. Jan 3 we make plans for the weekend then an hour after the pans he sent an email saying we need to talk, I called and after another long conversation he said he needs some time alone, don't come down this weekend.

Hi Fluffy Mouse. I am sorry you are here, but you are in a good place to get some help.

I am sorry for the pain you are experiencing, but you have caused your husband a tremendous amount of pain. You slept with another man. He does not feel safe with you, no matter what you say, your actions speak louder.

Thank your husband for sending you the link to this site. This indicates he is considering working on your marriage. Read it and follow the principles as much as you can. Tell him you respect his need for space, but you are open and willing to working on your marriage following the MB principles.

Thanks for the encouragement. When and if he decides he is ready to talk again. I will certainly take your advice. I'm just hoping he decides he does want to continue trying.

If your H sent you the link for MB, chances are good that recovery is possible.



Although you ended your affair, there are steps you need to take to insure your husband.

I'm going to post a few links that will give you some insight.

Click here-----> Steps to recovery after an affair

Writing a no contact (NC) letter is one of those steps that needs completed. Dr. Harley suggests something along these lines:
[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my husband and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that H did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay H for the pain I caused him, I will do my best to become the wife he has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, ....


This letter is given to your H in an open envelope and he mails it with you.

I would HIGHLY recommend calling the coaching center and ask your H to do this with you.

-------> Link

this coaching will offer you the fastest results possible from the specialists in recovering from an affair.

My wife and I did this for 6 sessions and it made all the difference in the world... I believe we would have limped along in a crippled marriage without the help from the Harley's.

Fluffy, welcome to MarriageBuilders.

First, please read & re-read the info to which HerPapaBear has directed you. That info will help you begin to grasp what you need to do.

A few comments, for after you've read those links:

First, I don't like your thread title. The issue isn't what you husband has got to "work through." The issue, rather, is what you need to get straightened out about yourself. That's what will help your husband feel emotionally safe with you again.

Second: Close your FB account. Yes, that's what I said. Close it today.

I don't care what you think of that idea. You don't need Facebook. Humanity has made it through 4000 years mostly without Facebook. You can store your pictures elsewhere. Realize that to your husband, FB is where you met your affair partner & began your conspiracy to assault your marriage. It's a ready means for you to get in touch with BF any time you change your mind. All you need to do is unblock him.

How is your husband supposed to feel emotionally-safe with that?

So close it, today.

If you resist even this simple step, it'll just show that you value other things more than your relationship with your husband, and that your talk about swallowing pride is just talk; and such a signal will tell him all he needs to know about whether it's a good idea for him to take any further emotional risk on you.

If you're still here after that advice, then the next thing to digest is the idea that you need to begin to live a transparent life. Privacy is OK for people in a marriage; secrecy is a very different thing, and it is not OK. You need to give him passwords to all email, cellphone and any other accounts. You need to change every email address & phone number you used to communicate with BF. You make those changes today, or at opening of business on Monday if your ISP and the mobile-service provider aren't open on weekends.

As a parting comment, let me revisit a comment you made in your post: Uh-uh, nope, wrong. You may have had issues in your marriage as a result of not meeting one another's emotional needs, and poor communication might've played a role in that; but poor communications is not why you cultivated a relationship with ex-BF. Rather, you chose to invest in your relationship with ex-BF because you had crappy boundaries.

Here's a boundary: It's not OK to have opposite-sex friendships with someone who's not your spouse. TV sitcoms & light-beer commercials tell us otherwise, but in real life, it poses too great a risk for exactly what you've ended up with. (Facebook makes it even easier for people to step out onto the slippery slope of these improper relationships.)

For you to be someone with whom your husband will be able to feel safe again someday, you need to rethink your ideas about boundaries in marriage.

Yeah, I'm preaching to ya here, but guess what: In my marriage, I was the one who got into an affair. It was also "completely innocent" at the very start -- for crying out loud, it was with a married woman who was one of the fellow-singers with me on the church music team, if you can believe that. And I allowed increasingly close conversation with her, because I had crappy boundaries, and I was able to invest in that relationship with her because I was living a non-transparent life. And I almost trashed my marriage to the best woman on the planet.

And we've managed to save our marriage & make it better than it was before the affair, so I know what it can take.

And HerPapaBear? Same deal. You'd better take him seriously, if you're serious.

However, most of the people you'll hear from on this forum will be people who were the betrayed spouses in their marriages. They've actually felt firsthand the horrible cocktail of anger, uncertainty & raw pain that you've poured down your husband's throat & which he's feeling right now pretty much 24/7 except on the rare occasions when he is able to sleep. You'd also be very well-advised to take their comments & advice seriously, because nowhere can you get a better perspective (and free of charge, to boot!) on his feelings and what you might do to help, or hinder them.

And yes, ultimately, for you to have a better marriage, it'll need to be a 2-way street where both of you are attentive to & meeting one another's needs better. But now is not the time to be focusing on what you need your husband to do for you. It's too early, and he's still in shock. You need to tend to his wounds.

If you've got questions, ask.

Now go cancel your Facebook.

Send your BH a email or text on how what a great resource MB is. That you started posting and think it would be great for him to join and start his own thread. There are some many BH's here to support him.

Thank you all for the advice. Those are all certainly steps I will look into. I think for now my big hang up is that I don't know if he wants to continue trying to rebuild or not. One day he is willing and the next he wants to end all contact with me. I understand that he has been extremely hurt by all this and doesn't know how to feel yet but the back and forth is making me feel hopeless. Reading through MB columns, it seems like to reconcile being apart is the worst thing we can do but he is not ready for me to move back in with him. As a side note, because I absolutely cannot afford to live anywhere else, I am currently staying with my sister who lives less than 3 miles from the former OM which I would think would be more reason for him to want me back at home.
It feels like we are taking a step forward just to take a step back again. One day he wants to work on things and the next he says everything about our past tells him we shouldn't be together and that I'm not good for him. He disagrees with my job (a from home Internet store) which I have spent the last 8 years building and of my pets and doesn't know if those are things he wants back in his life. He has also pointed out some personality flaws that I am working on and have asked his help in pointing out when I do something that bothers him and he has said that he sees me trying but I feel that is something that can only be proven if we are together and he feels like if he lets me move back in I don't have motivation not to slip into old bad habits. How do I show him that I am working on improving both myself and my contribution to the marriage when he doesn't want to live with me and right now isn't even really communicating with me?

What I'm hearing you say here..... I'll work on these things if he lets me back in, otherwise I'm not sure I want to work that hard ....

Is that how you mean it?

Would he come here and speak to us? We can help him get through this and show him his options. He can come out of this with a great marriage if he follows this program. However, it his prerogative to leave the marriage if he so chooses.

How long have you been married? Any kids?

On most issues that is not the case. As far as showing change, what I mean is I don't know how to show him I'm working on my flaws if he is not around. I don't know how to respect his wish to be apart and show my desire to be together and work on our relationship at the same time. I don't know how to stop myself from being guarded when every time it looks like things are progressing he changes s mind and I feel like he has decided that he is done with the marriage.
There are a few issues that I do need to look at from a practical view as well. He has a problem with my pets, I would feel awful of I got rid of them and then he decided that he couldn't live with me after what I did. We have a property that is under my name that he strongly wants to rent out until it is foreclosed on, I made the independent decision to keep it (a big issue as I have read about yesterday) and right now I am thanking God that I did make that decision because if he doesn't want to reconcile I will need to live there so it would be a huge gamble for me to make that sacrifice while we are in this limbo state. An earlier post suggested I change all phone numbers and emails the OM used to contact me. I run a ecommerce website, to change the email and phone numbers would be devastating to my business and if we can't reconcile I would not be able to support myself after that loss of income, I am already struggling financially without his income to help me. So even those things, I don't know if that's not willing to put in the work or trying to protect myself.

He is a big fan of forums so I am sure that if I suggested he join he would and I think that he would see my joining as showing initiative

We have been married 7 1/2 years and do not have any children. I have always been very clear about the fact that I never wanted children, he has been ok with that but after the affair he has began to wonder if even though he doesn't want them now he may be cheating himself by staying with me knowing that it would not even be an option. This is also playing a role in his indecisiveness over if he wants to reconcile.