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... An earlier post suggested I change all phone numbers and emails the OM used to contact me. I run a ecommerce website, to change the email and phone numbers would be devastating to my business and if we can't reconcile I would not be able to support myself after that loss of income...
Well, your ranking of priorities there sends your husband a very clear signal. You want to hedge your bets. Just like you hedged your bets for years by keeping open this back-channel relationship with your ex-BF. More of hedging your bets is not going to help your husband feel safe being around you or investing in you emotionally.
For your marriage to recover & prosper, you need to be all-in. When I was trying to win my wife back after my affair, sure, I wanted to know in advance that all the work I had to do would be reciprocated by her & that she'd stick by me. And I wanted to know this even before I'd finished doing the work! That was pretty rich in irony on my part, considering that she was, indeed, on the terrible emotional roller-coaster that betrayed spouses suffer, and she hardly knew how she'd be feeling from day to day or hour to hour, much less how she'd feel 6 months away.
However, I realized (thank God) that I couldn't afford to make my efforts conditional, not if I wanted to save my marriage. My all-in, unconditional, best effort was no guarantee that it'd work & that my marriage would be saved; but if I failed to give that all-in effort, that would've guaranteed that my marriage would've died. That's the only guarantee you can get: Be all-in, or forget about it.
You want assurances about the future, but you're not willing to go out on a limb. The home-business. The animals. Those things are worth more to you than your husband is worth -- you'd take "them-without-him", but you won't go for "him-without-them." You've basically just said as much.
Meh. Your husband is better off without you, if that's how you feel.
Talk is talk. You can't get to the later steps until you first do the first steps. I've told you what things you need to do in order to give yourself the best shot of getting back together, of helping him feel safe enough to take you back & risk his emotions on you, to just get you to a position where you can do the rest of the steps. Whether you give enough of a damn to do these initial steps, these initial, crucial signs of good-faith, or whether you're going to waste your time looking for some sort of imaginary short-cut that requires less up-front, "all-in" commitment on your part, is up to you, Fluffy_mouse.
You wanna argue with me? Go right ahead. That's what I'm here for.
Me: FWH, 50 My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold DD23, DS19 EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09 Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009 Married 25 years & counting. Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband. "I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol "Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
It is not unusual for new MB posters to skip the step of reading the *** Basic Concepts *** . <~~~ Click this link and learn these. Learning the basics will immensely improve your MB forum experience .
Yep. I sure didn't know 'em all on my first day, either.
I think often, arguing is the friction generated when someone is starting to finally pull their head out of their (_|_). Hopefully, that's the case here. But we'll see....
Fm, you came to the right place, and your BH was right to direct you here. The colleagues who have previously posted are superior advocates for the MB Program.
Write the NC letter, TODAY. Write it in your own hand, and give it to your BH to mail.
Block POSOM from your phone, text, e-mail, FB, etc, etc. He is the vessel of poison that has damaged you and and your marriage. You cannot afford even an accidental taste.
Start a timeline/history of the affair. He may never want to see it, but if he does, you will never have better memory of the events than you do right now. AND LEAVE NOTHING OUT! If you told POSOM you loved him, say so. If you and POSOM had sex in ways/frequencies that you have not shared with BH, list them. If other people knew of your infidelity and assisted you in concealing same, name them. (By the way: Expect them, even family, to be "dead" to your future life.) You will probably have to undergo a polygraph exam, so any lies now will be flat-out disastrous later.
You can also expect to take a full set of STD tests.
You mentioned that BH and you were not together for him to see the changes you are making. It is immaterial to the tasks before you. Right now you have a large enough pile of work just to fix you. That is truly the precursor to fixing your marriage, anyway.
Since your BH was here, and has sent you articles to study, he is obviously oriented to reading as a useful tool. WRITE TO HIM! Write him a letter, every day. Tell him how sorry you are (but don't get maudlin, you want him to want to continue reading). Tell him of the steps you took each day to change the course of your life (NCL, blockages). Tell him your vision of your new life together, if he gives you the gift of beginning it.
To gloveoil I completely understand everything you're saying and a lot of it are issues that he and I discussed. The closing of the Facebook account was one of the first and the result of that discussion was that he didn't think I should close mine because in part he did not want to close his. He is constantly checking his Facebook so he felt it would be hypocritical to do that after I closed mine. What would you suggest about the business from a practical standpoint? Even H is on the fence about that. If we are able to reconcile he would like me to consider a different job but he understands the reality that if I gaveup the business there would be no way for me to survive without him paying spousal support and that is the #1 thing he does not want to do. With the pets, he proposed a solution that I enthusiastically agree to but whenever he is having doubts he brings it up as a reason not to bewith me. When he is upset he says they are more important than he is and when he is not upset he says he would feel terrible if I gave them up and then he called it off. On these two issues, I think we are both concerned that if I make the sacrifice he will stay out of a sense of obligation rather than an actual desire to be with me and that isnt good for either of us.
I think we are both concerned that if I make the sacrifice he will stay out of a sense of obligation rather than an actual desire to be with me and that isnt good for either of us.
Can you tell me what successful marriage does not include some level of obligation?
Marriage vows obligate us, do they not?
Your approach is not MB ..... not yet.
Please, take the time to learn MB. Buy the books, do the homework.
Even if this marriage does not make it .... you will avoid making the same wrong thinking errors in the future.
Your marriage could be saved. You have a lot to work with.
Marriage is like a fiduciary relationship. Very high standards are required. We obligate ourselves to those standards when we take our vows.
To neverguessed Thank you. I have a question about the nc letter, I don't actually know his address, the only way for me to get it would be to drive by his house and look at the number and somehow that seems like a bad idea, is it or is sending the nc letter worth that? I certainly agree that BH should be the one who mails it if he wants to do so, he was pretty adamant about no contact whatsoever. It is probably my ignorance of the process but I am a little concerned that contacting him even in this way after 7 weeks of no contact might start him coming around again. BH has actually spoken to OM more recently than I have, and based on his reactions once I ended it we have both seen that he is unstable. Since right now I am living 110 miles away from my husband and 3 miles from OM, it is a very real possibility that a NC letter would prompt him toshowup at the door again like when I initially emailed him telling him it was over and I was going to try to work things out with BH. Is it still a good idea?
To gloveoil I completely understand everything you're saying and a lot of it are issues that he and I discussed. The closing of the Facebook account was one of the first and the result of that discussion was that he didn't think I should close mine because in part he did not want to close his. He is constantly checking his Facebook so he felt it would be hypocritical to do that after I closed mine.
FM, you should still close your facebook. Your facebook account is a direct line to the OM and that avenue should be shut off forever. That should be done today regardless of the state of your marriage.
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With the pets, he proposed a solution that I enthusiastically agree to but whenever he is having doubts he brings it up as a reason not to bewith me. When he is upset he says they are more important than he is and when he is not upset he says he would feel terrible if I gave them up and then he called it off. On these two issues, I think we are both concerned that if I make the sacrifice he will stay out of a sense of obligation rather than an actual desire to be with me and that isnt good for either of us.
What was the solution he proposed?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
Melodylane I raise chinchillas. Currently I have 6 large cages. He proposed that I reduce it to 4 cages and as more babies are born I sell them all, dont buy any more, and when they all die I'm done with owning chinchillas.
On these two issues, I think we are both concerned that if I make the sacrifice he will stay out of a sense of obligation rather than an actual desire to be with me and that isnt good for either of us.
I think you guys have this backwards. I think getting rid of the facebook account and the pets will enhance his desire to stay with you. He is sitting there thinking that if he takes you back that he will be stuck with a marriage that is not affair proofed [with the facebook account and other loose ends] and the annoyance of your pets. But, if you make those changes and come to him with a plan to affair proof your marriage, he would feel much easier about taking you back.
One of the most important first steps after an affair is to affair proof the marriage so it doesn't happen again. What kinds of things can you do to assure him it won't happen again? I would think along those lines and present him with a plan to protect him.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
Melodylane I raise chinchillas. Currently I have 6 large cages. He proposed that I reduce it to 4 cages and as more babies are born I sell them all, dont buy any more, and when they all die I'm done with owning chinchillas.
How would he feel if you offered to sell them all now? What if you went to him with a plan to sell them all now, affair proof the marriage NOW [getting rid of facebook among other things] and RECOVER your marriage using the Marriage Builders steps?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
My husband sent me a link to this site today and I have been on it for the past 7 hours trying to gather information. I just found the forum and really hope someone can offer me some help.
Welcome.
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I cheated on my husband. Almost a year ago I started talking to my first boyfriend on Facebook. At first it was completely innocent how have you been sort of stuff.
Do you now recognize that so-called "innocent" crossings of reasonable marriage boundaries is in fact a brutal insult to your marriage relationship?
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About 6 months ago it turned romantic.
Is OM married? Please note, "separated" and "getting divorced" are both STILL MARRIED.
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At the same time, for a variety of reasons all stemming back to a lack of communication, I was convinced that my husband did not care about me and was only with me out of obligation
Here is where the rubber meets the road on MB. We actually know that what you wrote is total rubbish. You do not know that (yet) because you are new. I do not fault you for not knowing what you have yet to learn. I will (and others will) call you on your rubbish. Once you started talking to the old boyfriend, you started making comparisons with your H. Every married adulterer does this. It is not unique to you. A lack of communication is not the cause of your decision to cheat. It may have played a part in the lack of satisfaction within your marriage, but a lack of communication NEVER causes a person to decide to become an adulterer.
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1. Sharing Common Interests. "We just had so much in common, it was uncanny."
"She and I both enjoyed music, and we were attracted to each other."
"He was so spiritually-minded... I'd been looking for someone to share my spiritual struggles with."
"We both loved horses, and started riding together."
"We both shared a burden for the church and especially children's work."
"She was the first woman I'd ever met who liked the outdoors, even hunting and fishing -- I was fascinated!"
2. Mentally comparing with my mate. "My husband wasn't interested much in spiritual things, but this man knew so much about the Bible."
"She was slim, attractive, and dressed sharp -- quite a difference from my wife who didn't take care of herself much at that time."
"She was so understanding and would listen to me and my hurts -- my wife was always so busy and rushed that we didn't have the time to talk.
"My husband just would never communicate -- he'd come home from work and just sit there watching TV. I finally gave up on him. Then this man came along who was worlds apart from my husband -- he was gentile, loved to talk, and would just share little things about his life with me."
3. Meeting emotional needs. "He understood how I was feeling and offered me the empathy I was hungering for."
"She was there when I needed her."
"My ego was so starved for affirmation that I would have taken it from anyone -- I guess that's what started the whole thing."
"No one had ever really believed in me until he came along. He encouraged me, inspired me, and believed so deeply in what I could become."
"My wife was busy with the kids and not at all involved with my work. This girl admired me and treated me like I was really somebody. It felt so good."
4. Looking forward to being together. "I used to dread going to work, but after we started our friendship, I would wake up thinking of how I would see him later that day... it seemed to make getting up easier."
"I would think of being with her the whole time I was driving to work."
"I found myself thinking of him as I got dressed each morning, wondering how he would like a certain outfit or perfume."
"I looked forward to choir practice every week because I knew he would be there."
"Every time I drove by her house I would think of her and how we'd see each other that Sunday."
5. Tinges of dishonesty with my mate. "When my wife would ask if she was with the group I'd pretend I couldn't remember... right there I started building a wall between us."
"I would act like I was going to practice with our ensemble, but actually I was practicing a duet with him."
"Once my wife asked about her, but I denied everything, after all, we hadn't done anything wrong yet. Now I see that this was one of those exit points where I could have come clean and got off the road I was speeding down."
"Whenever we got together as couples I would act like I didn't care about him, and afterward I would even criticize him to my husband. I guess I was trying to hide my real feelings from my husband."
6. Flirting and teasing. "I could tell from the way she looked at me. She would gaze directly into my eyes, then furtively glance down my body then back into my eyes again -- I knew then that she was interested in more than my friendship. But, I was so flattered by her interest that I couldn't escape."
"Then we started teasing each other, often with double-meaning kind of things. Sometimes we'd tease each other even when we were together as two couples. It seemed innocent enough at first, but more and more we knew it really did mean something to us."
"We would laugh and talk about how it seemed like we were "made for each other" so much. Then we'd tease each other about what kind of husband or wife the other one would have been if we'd married each other."
"He had those killer eyes. When he'd look at me in that "special way" I would just melt. It was hopeless fighting my urges -- he had me."
7. Talking about personal matters. "We would talk about things -- not big things, just little things which he cared about, or I was worried about."
"We'd meet together for coffee before church and just talk together."
"I was having problems with my son and she seemed to understand the whole situation so much better than anyone else I talked with. I'd tell her about the most recent blow-up and she would understand so well. We just became really deep friends -- almost soul-mates. That's what's so weird about all this -- we never intended for it to go this far."
"I had lost my Dad just before we got to know each other and he had lost his mother a few years earlier. He seemed to understand exactly what I was going through and we would talk for hours about how each of us felt."
"I was so lonely since my husband died and hungry for someone to share life with. Then he began to call just because he cared. I loved hearing his caring voice at the other end of the line, even though I knew he was married."
"We spent so much time together at work that I swear she knew more about me than my wife ever did -- or even cared to know."
8. Minor yet arousing touch, squeeze, or hug. "He never touched me for months. Then one night after working late, we were walking toward the door when he said 'You're so special, thanks for all you do..." then he turned and hugged me tenderly, just for a second. I loved how I felt for that moment so much that I began to replay it over and over again in my mind like a videotape. Now I know that I should have stopped it all right then. I never intended to ruin my family like this."
"She was always hanging around our house and was my wife's best friend. Often she would stay late to watch TV, even after my wife went to bed. She would sit beside me on the couch and I was drawn to her like the song says... like a moth to the flame."
"He would often pat me on the shoulder -- you know, in appreciation for a good job I'd done. But I knew it meant more than that."
"The first time she touched me was when we were doing registration together. We were sitting beside each other. I'd say something cute or funny and she would giggle, then under the table she'd squeeze the top of my leg with her hand. That was really exciting to me."
"Every time she shook hands with me at the door she seemed to linger, sort of holding my hand more than shaking it. No one else would notice, but I knew there was more to her touch than appeared to the eyes. She knew too."
9. Special notes or gifts. "He would write these little encouraging notes and leave them in my desk, pocketbook, or taped to my computer. They didn't say anything which could be traced. If anyone found them they wouldn't suspect anything. But we both knew what was going on, we just didn't want to stop yet."
"I would sometimes call him and leave a short message on his answering machine. He would leave little notes in my Bible."
"He would buy me a little gift -- not that expensive, but it always showed he had taken extra thought to get exactly what I liked. Of course everyone else thought he was just being a good boss."
"She started leaving unsigned notes to me in my desk sharing her feelings for me. It scared me at first, because I thought someone would find one. But after a while I found myself looking forward to the next one, even though I knew the risk."
10. Inventing excuses to call or meet. "I started figuring out ways I could drop off something at her house when her husband was gone. He and I knew each other and I would always return borrowed tools in the afternoon when I knew she'd be there alone."
"I would wait until the end of the workday then I'd call him just before closing time about something I'd made up as a 'business question' and we'd talk."
"The more entangled we got, the more I planned times where he and I could practice together. We started meeting more often."
"She started arranging her schedule so that her husband dropped her off at committee meetings. I would hang around and offer to take her home, acting with as much nonchalance as I could muster up."
11. Arranging secret meetings. "By now we both were so far gone that we started meeting secretly at the mall parking lot. It know now how foolish this was, but I was driven by something other than good sense at that time."
"We started arranging to work evenings on the same nights, then we would leave early and meet each other in the dark parking lot."
"I started making sure he knew my travel schedule so we could attend the same conferences. We still weren't involved physically at that time, but there was such excitement and romance to it all... even the secrecy seemed to make it more exciting."
"She would sometimes call me just before lunch and we'd sneak through a drive-up together, and then spend the rest of my lunch hour talking quietly to each other."
12. Deceit and cover ups. "Once we were meeting secretly I had to invent all kinds of stories about where I'd been to satisfy my wife. By now I had built a towering wall of dishonesty between us."
"Pretty soon my whole life was full of lies. I'd lie about where I was going, where I'd been, and who I'd been with. The more suspicious my husband got, the better liar I became. But he knew something was going on. It's hard to lie without people suspecting it."
"I joined several groups so that I would have an excuse to be away in the evenings."
"She would ask when I'd gotten off work. I'd simply lie about it, and she never knew what hit her. How can I ever regain her trust now?"
"We agreed that if anyone saw us driving around we would both tell the same story: that my car wouldn't start, he stopped to help, an we were going together to get a new fuse to replace the broken one he'd discovered."
"By now my whole life was a lie, so I began telling them regularly to cover up our little meetings."
13. Kissing and embracing. "The whole thing seemed so exciting by now. I was such a fool. We were meeting secretly and both of us were fearful of being caught. But that only seemed to increase our common ground. When we'd meet, we would embrace as if we'd not been together for years -- like in the movies when someone comes home from the war."
"Once we started meeting secretly the end came fast. We kissed and hugged like two teenagers going parking for their first time."
"It just felt so good to be hugged and loved by somebody who really cared about me."
14. Petting and high indiscretion. "At this point my glands took over. I forgot reason altogether and was willing to risk everything for more."
"It was like I was a teenager again -- going too far, then repenting and promising to do better; then just as quick I was hungrily seeking more sin."
"When my husband and I were dating we struggled with 'how far to go.' Well, here I was again struggling over the same issue. Friendship with this guy didn't seem so wrong. But now were we're going further than I ever intended. But, I felt curiously justified going exactly as far as I had with my husband when had been dating. In a way, I think some of my resentment against my husband's constant pressure on me started coming out. I'm not saying that it wasn't wrong. Just that I kind of felt justified."
"At about this time I began fooling myself into thinking I was heroic for not going "all the way." That's what I wanted to do. But by doing "everything but" I fooled myself into thinking I was successfully resisting temptation. What I didn't realize was that, not only was what I was doing wrong, but that eventually I would take the next step. It's just not possible to freeze a relationship -- you have to go ahead with it, or break it off totally."
15. Sexual intercourse. "Soon I quit resisting and was swept into outright adultery."
"One thing led to another and finally we ended up in bed with each other."
"Though we never intended it to go that far, we eventually went all the way and had sex."
"One night we couldn't seem to stop ourselves (at least we didn't want to) so I completed my journey of unfaithfulness to my husband -- I had sex with this man."
and of course I was too childish to bring this up but instead got all of the emotional support and attention that I was missing from my former boyfriend.
I do not know if you are/were childish. But I suspect you lack the proper tools to understand your OBLIGATION to protect yourself from temptation. That's what you are here for, right? To learn better ways.
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In August, my husband went out of town and I saw my old bf in Fresno for the first time, since high school. We spent the day together but nothing physical. The online talks grew deeper and between September and October I slept with him twice. In November my husband logged into my Facebook account and read a message to discover the affair. He threw me out of the house that night.
Did you read the 15 steps to unfaithfulness that I quoted in my previous post? Look familiar?
How would he feel if you offered to sell them all now? What if you went to him with a plan to sell them all now, affair proof the marriage NOW [getting rid of facebook among other things] and RECOVER your marriage using the Marriage Builders steps?
Ditto. We are on the TEAM wanting to help you save your very salvageable marriage. Come aboard?
... The closing of the Facebook account was one of the first and the result of that discussion was that he didn't think I should close mine because in part he did not want to close his. He is constantly checking his Facebook so he felt it would be hypocritical to do that after I closed mine...
The two of you could have a single, joint FB account. Then he has a say in deciding who your "friends" are. Your maintaining your own account is not transparent, even if your husband (reeling as his mind is) does not yet fully realize the importance of transparency. You need to be an 'open book' to him if you want this marriage to survive & thrive. You need to ditch your individual account. (That he feels 'hypocritical' is a sign of how emotionally invested he still is in you. It is not a sign that he does not need transparency in order to feel emotionally safe with you. You're not helping him by keeping your own FB account, you're scaring him $#itless, because he knows that's where you hooked up with your affair-partner, and he just has his defenses too far up to admit how vulnerable he feels. Ditch the individual account.
Originally Posted by Fluffy_mouse
... What would you suggest about the business from a practical standpoint? Even H is on the fence about that. If we are able to reconcile he would like me to consider a different job but he understands the reality that if I gaveup the business there would be no way for me to survive without him paying spousal support and that is the #1 thing he does not want to do. ...
Send an "all hands" blast to your entire e-mail & client list informing them that you're changing numbers. Update the website. Sure, it'll be a hassle, and will cost ya some lost business at the margins; but think longer term. Have you priced out what a divorce lawyer's retainer will set you back? (x2, 'cuz he'll need a lawyer, too). I'll bet you'll find it's way more of a bargain, financially and marriage-wise, to change your addys & numbers.
Originally Posted by Fluffy_mouse
...I think we are both concerned that if I make the sacrifice he will stay out of a sense of obligation rather than an actual desire to be with me and that isnt good for either of us.
Well, let's see: He could've sicked a lawyer on you already. He hasn't. He could've gotten flat-line drunk, hooked up with any number of bimbos, or ignored you for these past 2 months. He hasn't. He sent you here. You've got a chance.
Mentally demanding as it may seem, you've gottta drop the conditional, "if/then" thinking on your part, even if he isn't ready to do so on his part. That's got to be your game plan, and you need to stick with it, as long as he hasn't thrown in the towel. (If you want to save your marriage & make it better than it was before the affair.) Every ounce of mental energy you spend contingency-planning for being divorced will make that outcome more likely, because it'll 'socialize' you guys to the idea and will distract from the investments & signals of commitment you need to be giving him right now in order to avoid that outcome.
Let's switch gears here for a minute & talk about exposure:To whom has your affair been exposed?
Me: FWH, 50 My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold DD23, DS19 EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09 Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009 Married 25 years & counting. Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband. "I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol "Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
Melodylane I raise chinchillas. Currently I have 6 large cages. He proposed that I reduce it to 4 cages and as more babies are born I sell them all, dont buy any more, and when they all die I'm done with owning chinchillas.
The above is a minor problem in the scheme of life.
Take this phrase and memorize it.
"I will do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to make this marriage work for both of us."
Write it down and tape a copy of it on every mirror you own. Read it aloud every time you look at yourself in the mirror. Your self respect will improve!
Pepperband Thank you for bringing that up. I was going to start another post about that later but since you mentioned it i may as well address that now. I want to move back but he is not ready for me to. Over the last 6 weeks, I have been driving down there Friday and leaving Tuesday, bringing down items that if it came to it I could live without until I moved to a permanent place of my own. Each time I put back a little more of my stuff, it prompts a discussion about his indecision about if he wants to continue trying to reconcile. Over New Years weekend, the 30th he wanted me to leave before the weekend was over but my car was in the shop so I was unable to leave that night. After discussion that night he changed his mind about me leaving and said he wanted the new year to be a new start for us. Wednesday we had a long phone conversation where he asked me to start moving back. At his request I asked my mom if I could borrow her van for the weekend and she was of course happy about it. Thursday night we went in a matter of under an hour from making plans for the weekend to him telling me he needed time to himself and not to come this weekend. I want to give Him the space he needs so I didn't go down there and I told him that if he wants to talk to me I am here so if he emails mei answer it but I'm not initiating emails or calls. He says he realizes this is counterproductive to working things out but it is what he feels he needs.
So... How much do I push? The spectrum of what I can do ranges from forcing the move back in to not talking to him at all until he says he is ready. We live in a community property state so if I wanted to show up at the door and say I'm moving back in whether you want me to or not I do have the legal right to be there until the divorce is finalized but that to me seems counterproductive as well. Everything I've read on MB so far gives me the clear signal that being apart is about the worst thing we can be doing right now but I'm afraid to force something he's not ready for and isn't sure if he wants yet. To further complicate things, he is starting to feel pressured to make a final decision one way or the other and that is causing him to stress and over analyze things. In his mind, this limbo state has gone on for 2 months and its time to s--- or get off the pot as he put it. I hate the limbo state too but I don't want to force him to make a decision he's not ready to make, partially out of the fear if he makes the decision the answer will be not to work it out. At the same time, there actually is some sort of deadline before some sort of decision has to be made. My mom has made it clear she will only let me stay here 6 months at very most and the lease that I have with my tenants requires me to give them 45 days notice if I want them to leave so if i need to move back there i only have about another month or so before I have to let them know to move out. It would almost seem the obvious solution would be to give notice now and get back there ASAP (the property is in the same complex as our home) but BH doesn't really want me to do that until he has made a decision because he feels like if we do work it out he has already wasted enough money on lawyers, he doesn't want the household to have to deal with the added expense of the loss of rental income for the however many months it takes to get new tenants and the possibility that the new tenants might not be as good as the current ones. This is where I could use help on what to do. Do I force the move back in with him? Do I ignore his wishes about the tenants and move back close to him in a month and a half, during which times may already be living back with him anyways? Do I do nothing and wait for a decision? Do I tell him be needs to make a decision? It seems all but doing nothing would fall under the category of love busters but doing nothing seems to go against the idea that being together is the only way to work on things.
