In my extremely unprofessional opinion, you are anything but narcissistic. If you were you would not have listened, opened your mind up, or even cared about your H's feelings. Everything would have been his fault and you would NEVER be willing to use MB because it is all about equality in marriage and a narcisstic person would never go for that.

Selfish....yes! But aren't we all. The good news is that selfishness can be easily cured and MB is the best medicine.

Go fluffy! Keep it up, and stay right here!

Status update, last night we spent a couple hours going over the emotional needs questionnaire and explaining our answers to each other in depth. I think we both have a much better understanding, it's amazing how much I didn't know about the man I have spent over a third of my life with. Tomorrow we are renting a uhaul and getting the rest of my things from my sister's house. She said that one of the MB books has been delivered so we'll be able to get to work on the program.

FM,

I am so excited and proud of you and your new discovery on starting a great marriage. Something about your first post led me to believe that if your H was gracious enough to give you another chance that you would work the program to it fullest to help your marriage.

Keep us posted and keep up the good work! Don't forget that the people on here are there for you through good and bad.




Fifteen going on Sixteen

way to go, FM! good work.


yes, the trick to making a good marriage is to stay on task with recovery. it is very easy to go off course once things have settled down. do keep posting! you can always ask the mods to move your thread to recovery when you are ready. for now, i'd stay here. more posters in this forum.

fm, it'd be a good idea for you to post a little every day. just update with your UA time for the week, EN meeting and being met, any LBs that have come up, how your church thing (sorry, i don't know what it's called?) is going, etc. it will help you. and i bet it would please your husband, too.

Thank you. I plan to keep posting as time allows. One thing I have come to find already is this takes A LOT of time. Tonight we had set aside an hour and a half to read the bible together then read a chapter of love busters and discuss. Somehow this turned into 4 hours of somewhat difficult discussion. We covered some old issues but there was no final resolution and we are both physically and emotionally exhausted. On the positive side, we did make it through without any angry outbursts and we both have points to reflect on.

I agree with GO about the utility of rigor in managing the time for serious discussions. Bride and I found one hour each session to be ideal. ONE subject, with care not to "drift" was addressable each time, and we basically alternated selecting the area to investigate. It went by the title "Sofa Time", and we still reference those talks as valuable bases for where we are today.

excellent ideas! FM, remember, you want UA time to be pleasant, fun, and conducive to falling in love. schedule talk time for elsewhere. you do need to talk about the tough issues, just not when you're supposed to be generating and increasing those good feelings.

That is really great to hear. We realized today that we jumped in with both feet and the talking was becoming a job. We were spending an hour or two doing something fun then going over love busters and coming out emotionally exhausted. As important as it is to tackle the issues in the books, we need to enjoy each other too.
I know he is going to have days when he needs a tough talk because things are on his mind but we plan to try to do the tough stuff on the weekends after we haven't both already had a long hard day. Tonight takeout and a movie between happier talks.

Wow that's awesome. Keep it up and don't forget each others top ENs.

great move! now you two can look forward to UA, while still knowing issues will be appropriately addressed. way to go, fm.

Kind of a hard night tonight and I'm hoping for some advice on how to handle the situation next time it comes up (and realistically there will be a next time) My question is how do I react when BH needs to vent his anger? I am trying my best to meet his ENs and work on my personality issues but sometimes he is so upset he can't contain himself and it would not be radically honest of him if he didnt. So when he is letting me know how hurt he is by yelling, cursing, and calling me names, what do I do? What is an appropriate reaction when he tells me he that canceling the divorce is the worst mistake he's made in his life? Today he got an email from the lawyer letting us know that the divorce case had officially been dismissed and I think this is what caused him to doubt if working on things is the right thing to do.

We ended up talking for about an hour and at the end he calmed down and even apologized and I don't know how to react to that either. I am the one who did him wrong, he shouldn't feel like he needs to apologize for telling me how he feels, but I shouldn't tell him how to feel and not to apologize. Could someone please offer me guidance on how to work through nights like this in a constructive way?

I have suggested to him again that he start a post to help him see how other BS's have been able to move past affairs and rebuild relationships. He agreed it is a good idea so I'm hopeful he will be willing to start posting soon and that the advice he gets here will help him not think about it all the time.

He is not unique in his reaction, and it will yo-yo (or roller-coaster) for quite some time.

Stay with the program, Fm. Keep the UA time high. Apoologize and ask what you can do TODAY to help him through his dark periods.

Get him here. We can give him coping mechanisms that work, that he is more likely to accept from us than through you. Immediately, we will address with him the acceptable and unacceptable methods of releasing/displaying his wrath.

Get him HERE.

The way I understand it is AO is a love buster. So he would need to find ways to deal with his anger. It is not appropriate on any level for him to be cursing at you and calling you names. I'm not an expert though, so I'd let the vets guide you there. Maybe get the book love busters???

It is not appropriate on any level for him to be cursing at you and calling you names.

One need not be an expert in anything to agree with that! But, FM can enlist allies in reminding him (He already knows it) of that fact. Therefore:

we will address with him the acceptable and unacceptable methods of releasing/displaying his wrath.

Getting him here is a suggestion to FM for something that she can work on, cooperatively, not contentiously, with BH. WE will take it from there. You'll help, right?

Oh I am just in awe at the magic worked here! I agree the best thing for FM is to get her H here to get help on dealing with his AO. Work the magic NG

NG is right, FM. Best thing you can do is try to get him here. The roller coaster is normal, but he does need to work on controlling his AO's towards you...the problem is, as NG said, he's not going to be as willing to accept guidance from you as he sees you as the cause of the pain.

The most difficult part of my one-sided attempts at recovery, for me, was to accept the mantra of "no expectations." Eventually, hopefully, as you are patient, consistent at meeting your H's needs and avoiding LB's on your part, your H will be willing to embrace MB. There are many former BS's here that can guide him through the emotional minefields that he'll encounter, and help to teach him the components of MB...again, our difficulty is that "teaching MB" from us - especially as FWWs - tends to come across as disrespectful judgments to our BHs.

My H only came here for a short while, and never really bought into the MB program. I dealt with AO's on a fairly consistent basis and quite honestly believed that I deserved them for what I did. It wasn't until I saw him unleash a massive AO against the children that I realized that his anger was never going to go away, and that even if I was the ultimate cause of the anger he felt, it was no kind of life to lead.

I can guess what kinds of names he called you, FM. I was called those as well. The thing is, FM, we *were* those things when we were wayward, but if you replace the wayward mindset and become who we are called to be as wives, become the kind of spouse we are supposed to be (which is what MB teaches us), then you are no longer those things. Hopefully, Mr. FM will be able to see the woman and wife you are working to become, and will be willing to work towards a future with you...but here is the best place to motivate him towards that future. The folks here can help him to see that future in a way that you - as the proximate cause of the pain and anger - cannot.

Have a notebook ready. If his temper lasts longer than 5 minutes, hand him the notebook and pen and ask him to write it all down for you. Then, promise him you will read what he is angry about and respond in writing in the same notebook.

Please, let us know how that goes.
Remember, many times, anger is fear disguised.
View him as releasing his fears via a more manly outlet. Looking at it through that frame may help you understand things better.



This is all normal stuff.

hi again FM. ups and downs, right?

i remember being in that space as a BS. it is so hard. you've got great suggestions here. when BH is in the midst of such an outburst, do what he will let you. hold him if you can, listen quietly if he won't allow it. apologize (even if it's for the upteenth time). reiterate (which i think you said you did) that you are here for him. ask him what you can do right then to help alleviate his pain. do NOT tell him that his AO is a LB! that will only serve to make him angrier! he is entitled to his feelings right now; it's early days. however, should his AO become violent, that is NOT acceptable. he will get a handle on his grief, and even quicker if you can get him here for help. that doesn't mean it goes away, but it will lessen.

know that what he says to you during these times are verbal representations of his fear and betrayal. right now, he is scared to death that this will never work. that's natural and normal. as time goes on and you are still there, still working recovery, he will get better. also, these kinds of outbursts can be the BS trying to push the WS away, as both a kinda subliminal test ("i knew you didn't really love me!") or to try to lessen the pain they are feeling. i think if you know that, it will help how *you're* feeling at the time.

whatever you do, don't belittle/make light of his expressed feelings ("you're just feeling that way now because..."). just accept them and ask him what you can do to help, or if he's told you, do it. it will get better, for the both of you, as you help him through these bouts. remember, the first year is hell, but it'll get less and less, ESPECIALLY as he sees you doing what you need to. the more UA, the better he'll get.