This is my first post on this forum so forgive my inexperience. I discovered my husband's affair with a co-worker the middle of November. He says the affair has been going for 18 months. I have suspected something for a couple years, but I couldn't find proof until November.

We decided to work on our marriage and he said he was willing to work on our marriage and end the affair, but I didn't feel he was totally committed and he wouldn't open up to the details of the affair. He wouldn't reveal information about a secret e-mail account that I know he has plus other things. I caught him texting her and then deleting the texts to hide them from me. When I discovered that I confronted him and said that there is no hope of recovering our marriage if he continues to be secretive and dishonest. I then confronted the other wayward spouse and told her husband. This was a few days before Christmas and I handled it inappropriately by having an angry outburst. Since then I've started Plan A and have avoided angry outbursts.

After that I still felt like he wasn't totally committed to our recovery. I saw signs that he was stopping the affair; no more texting, phone calls etc and he was trying to be more intimate and spending time with me. But he's not very willing to talk about the affair. I don't think he's willing to change jobs and I know he thinks he can stay friends with her at work. This is not an option in my book. I'm afraid they're taking the affair underground.

I've started to realize that I'm enabling the affair and that I need to treat this like an addiction. I finally decided to do full on nuclear exposure a few days ago. I calmly told him I loved him and wanted to work on our marriage. I said that I want us to have a romantic and loving relationship where we both meet others needs. I said that I'm not exposing the affair to hurt him, but to stop the affair. Then I proceeded to give him a list of all the people I told, parents, family, friends and clergy. I decided to tell a bunch of people as opposed to trickle exposures to create the tsunami affect that is discussed in the Exposure 101 posting. As expected he is furious and threatened divorce. This is day 4 after the exposure and he is still furious. He hasn't brought up the word divorce again, but he doesn't come home from work until late a night and locks himself in the spare bedroom and on his day off today just left the house.

I know this exposure will get him out of the fog, but how long does it take? Does anyone have experience with the time frame? I'm assuming that he will be angry for sometime until the fog lifts. Is this correct? He is the type of person who doesn't apologize easily. As you can guess I'm worried that he'll file for divorce, but I've come to the conclusion that I don't have a marriage that will work as long as the affair isn't squashed completely so what do I have to lose. It's very hard to deal with the anger that he is displaying towards me.

The other thing that I'm struggling with is that my wonderful mother died in March of 2012 and I'm having to deal with that as well. Why does life have to be so hard sometimes? At least anxiety drugs and anti-depressants are helping as well as my counseling sessions.

Any help would be appreciated. Thank You.

Excellent work courageous and a very apt username for you!

Can you start your own thread so we can help you with your Plan A? You need to be putting your foot down about these secretive absences from the house.

Courageous, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that bring you here.

The fog will never end until he ends all contact with the OW. That is STEP ONE. Until he leaves the job, you can consider the affair active and the prospect of recovery absolutely impossible.

I would DEMAND that he leave the job and strongly consider exposing the affair at work.

If you read the link in MLs signature it has an excellent guide to workplace exposure.

That is absolutely key. Until he has NC with OW he will make less wise decisions than a falling down drunk. You need to make the workplace a no go area and have to do the heavylifting yourself I'm afraid.

If he stays in that job, hell never get out of the fog. Even if the only thing he sees of OW is her car outside. That is enough of a trigger. The whole building is a trigger. And you will bleed a slow death thinking of them working together every day.

Are they equals at work or is one superior?

Welcome!

Hello Courageous.

Your story sounds very similar to mine. You are getting the very best advice from MelodyLane and indiegirl.

Here is my two cents:

1. THE AFFAIR MUST END. In order for this to happen, your WH must leave that job. Immediately, if not sooner. Because even if he has an intension to end it, any contact or reminder (from their shared places up to actual face-to-face contact) will be irresistible to him. You are right to consider it an addiction. It is.

2. YOU MUST EXPOSE THE AFFAIR AT HIS WORK PLACE. Include the head of HR, plus the superiors of each of your WH and the OW. This will blow open the secrecy of the A. Often, HR people will work to arrange transfers. At the very least, having the A exposed at the workplace puts more eyes and ears on the ground there.
I did not do this at D-day 1, because my WH assured me it was ended, and I misunderstood Dr. Harley's advice. Because of my failure to workplace expose, the A went underground for 6 more months. I actually enabled it. Don't make my mistake.

3. DO NOT DISCUSS EXPOSURE WITH YOUR WH. This invaluable tool works best when it has the element of surprise. Plus, you do not want to alert you WH of your plan.

4. IF YOU DO NOT KNOW WHO THE OW IS, PUT SNOOPING TECHNIQUES IN PLACE. You really should expose with the names of both AP's. Plus, once you know, you can find out if the OW is married, and if so, expose to her BH. And her friends and family.

Any questions?

Thanks for the kind words saying I did an excellent job.

As far as starting my own thread I looked at my original post and it says at the bottom that it was edited by Fireproof and that reason was to change the title. I think it was changed to be called Courageous Thread. I'm still learning. Does that mean that it was changed to be my own thread or do I still need to start my own thread? If I need to start my own thread can you tell me how?

There usually are not secretive absences from the house by my husband except today because he is very, very pissed at me right now because of the exposure. Prior to this there were not secretive absences because the affair happened during work time. Today he is so pissed and just approaching him makes him angry so I'm trying to let him have space except to tell him that I love him and I want the marriage to work.

hi courageous. you have your own thread now! it's called "courageous' thread."

congratulations on doing a nuclear exposure! well done! it's a good thing that you're WH is pissed off. do get onto workplace exposure - can you please answer the Qs above about the workplace? and don't tell WH you're doing that. if he thinks he's unhappy now, just wait until he has heat from all aspects of his life. it'll be quite the wake-up call for him.

he will be peeved for a bit. that's ok. your M can survive anger. it cannot survive an AP (adultery partner). you are doing the right thing. one of the above posters asked if you have any questions. do you?

It looks like they made your post into your own thread so you don't have to.

Letty is correct. I would go in there TODAY and tell him he will have to leave that job. Recovery is impossible unless he leaves.

And plan on exposing to the workplace on Monday.

Otherwise, your marriage won't make it.

If forgot to mention that when I did the exposure several days ago I told WS that there will have to be extraordinary measures taken so that we can make sure this never happens again with her or anyone else. He asked what those were and I said:

1. One of them has to get a different job
2. Both of us sharing our daily schedules
3. Both of us being accountable for money.
4. Complete sharing of passwords, e-mail access, etc.
5. And of course the affair has to end, but I forgot to mention the NC letter to be sent to her. I'll bring that up again.

A few years ago we started the Dave Ramsey money plan where we each get cash at the beginning of each month to use for meals etc. What a mistake that was now that I look back. I couldn't tell where he was spending the money. That WILL stop. Now I know why he was always asking for an increase.

this is a good start. your WH will have to set some EPs so that the M becomes affair-proof. he can do this by sharing with you how the adultery started - how did they become close? then he needs to be aware of that kind of behaviour so it doesn't happen again. do you feel you have all the information about it that you need? if not, start formulating some Qs. you don't have to ask them just yet. you will likely come up with more.

is he still not speaking w/you? (go ahead, let him be mad.)

They are equals at their jobs.

I kind of already did workplace exposure. I say kind of because when I confronted the OW (other woman right?). I did it on the sidewalk out in front of her work building. I told her to stay away from my husband.

Apparently one of the office gossip queens looked out the window and saw us talking. When she went into the building after the confrontation somehow the issue of the affair came about. Now her two department supervisors know and they are not allowing the two of them to work together. Luckily her supervisor is understanding of me because she got a divorce years ago because her husband cheated on her. Also, her supervisor is my client. My WS and the OW were the ones to tell me all this so I doubted whether it was even true. They even told me that I was blocked from the building. I was never officially notified that I was blocked from the building so I assumed the whole story was just a bunch of lies to keep me from talking to their work. Well as it turns out I have a contact there at the same office and she told me that I was NOT blocked from the building so that part is a lie, but the part about the supervisors knowing about the affair and them not being allowed to work together is true according to my friend (contact). So yeah for me there!!! The only problem is that his department of the same agency does not yet, to my knowledge, know about the affair.

Because I rely on his income because my business doesn't make enough to support us, I've been reluctant to inform his direct boss. The supervisor in the OW's department is a friend of my WS's supervisor so I think it will eventually get to my WS's supervisor. When I originally confronted the OW outside of her work my husband got divorce papers at that point, but never did anything with them. I have already demanded that he leave his job, but he is very stubborn. I understand the nature of triggers and how if he or OW doesn't leave their job that they will start it again eventually.

Now since the full blown exposure he is threatening divorce again.

I've included alot of details here. What are the chances that the others, (WS, OW and her husband) could see my post? I'm probably just being paranoid.

Finally, I did tell the OW's husband already the same day I confronted her. Sorry to piecemeal all these details.

You need to do a proper workplace exposure.

What you did was not workplace exposure, its more like a release of gossip. (Good work confronting OW though)

We call this a 'trickle' exposure. It's like using a pea shooter against a tiger. Just enough to piss it off, not enough to kill it. The two of them are laughing, thinking their simplistic lies will keep the status quo.

Your H also believes picking up a few divorce papers and sulking will also get you to back off.

The supervisors support is kind, but ultimately worthless. Is she going to babysit the two of them 24/7? She doesn't appear to know how they spend their time after work. Not even you know that!

He needs to leave the job. One of them does, anyway. And really, it is best that he does because you don't want him walking around in a hallway of memories for most of the day. He can get another job.

Not exposing him sends the message that you will cover for him when he does wrong. It enables him to do wrong. It encourages future wrongs. You should instead be encouraging him to face up to his consequences.

He endangered his job when he screwed around at work. Fact. He cannot complain if he loses his job for screwing around at work.

He is hoping that the money means more to you than fidelity of the marriage. He is trying to buy you.

Does it suck that he has damaged his means of supporting you by getting cheap fun at work?

Yes. If he gets out of the fog, we'll see if he can make it up to you.

We'll see.

What is EP's? I'm still learning the lingo.

Yes, he is still not speaking to me.

Extraordinary precautions.



Don't pay that any mind. No more than if he were a sulky toddler.

He is trying to unnerve and weaken you. Or get you mad. Be determinedly sweet and cheerful. Put your pokerface on and act as if you don't notice. This will madden him further - which is great! Just so long as you remain visibly unshaken he can get as sulky as he chooses.


Have you read the carrot and stick of Plan A?

C, I would drive the job issue home NOW and ask him when he will be quitting that job. Make it very clear to him he has to be gone by the end of the month. And I would go ahead and expose the affair - officially - at work. That will motivate him to get out of there. Every day he goes there is another day that the affair continues. I assure you the affair has not ended.

The reason I am suggesting doing this NOW is because a) he is already ticked off so you might as well get your money's worth, b) so he knows you are dead serious and c) so he knows his sulking does not intimidate you. Don't leave this to another time so you are dealing with another blow up later. Get his all done now.

I would drive the stake in the heart of this affair and do not let up until it is dead, dead, dead. That is the only hope you have of saving your marriage.

He needs to be told that he either leaves the job or he moves out. There is no other way and that is how forcefully he should be told. You can't softsell this and be successful.

If you don't get him out of there, this is hopeless and all of your work will have been for naught.

Wow, everyone on this forum is just wonderful. Thank you so very much.

I'm starting to build the courage to tell his workplace on Monday.

I see now how his sulking and his getting divorce papers is just his way of getting me to back off. He's the one that risked his job by fooling around at work.

I'm glad you said that he's trying to buy me, by hoping that I'll value the money more than the fidelity of our marriage.

I'm still enabling him if I don't expose this at his work. Thank you for your reminding me of these facts.

He's already been furious for 4 days since the exposure to friends, family etc. I might as well do the workplace exposure now so I can make the best use of his anger LOL.

He's probably already scared to death anyway that it will be revealed in some other way. He should be scared. How dare he put our financial future at risk, not to mention our whole marriage and lives.

I like what you said about them laughing at me and thinking their lies will be a able to keep the status quo. They won't be laughing for long come Monday.

I'm starting to see how I'm sending the message that I'll cover for him when he does wrong. I am getting the courage to tell the workplace.

Thanks

You got it! And you have nothing to lose, because you don't have a marriage if he doesn't leave. As it stands now, you don't have a marriage. And the longer he goes there, the stronger the chance that he leaves FOR the OW. This is a very entrenched, long term affair. It will take a nuclear blast to kill it. You have that chance NOW while you have them on the ropes. And the time to strike is now.