FM, thats some good advice you got. Please implement it in your recovery. I also think if both of you could email the radio show and be callers will help tons as well. Dr. Harley can handle that directly and you both would be amazed what you can learn in that short session.

Great idea.

There is an excellent technique for dealing with very angry people. Paraphrasing.
When your BH is ranting, calmly say, "what I hear you saying is that you are very angry with me because I (lied to you... let another man into my heart... didn't consider your feelings... Whatever he is ranting about). Do I have that right?"

This lets him know you are hearing his complaint. And allows a rant to become a discussion. And then there is room to empathize and apologize. "I can see how very upsetting that would be. I am so sorry I hurt you in that way."

Avoid any whiff of patronizing. You are allowing him to express his feelings, while letting him know he is heard. This takes the heat out of exchange and opens the door for constructive interaction.

FM, how is the discussion with BH about coming here progressing?

He should, would like to see both sides of the equation it will help with the advice you two receive.

We are reading the love busters book together now. After we talked for a while and he calmed down I mentioned that it was an AO and he apologized but at the time he didn't care about the program.

He is reading all of these posts here, as well as many others. I am continuing to suggest that he start his own post so he can get more personalized support.

This.


I can't quite think of much else to add, FM.


I can tell you my wife's insistance on being present when grief, fear, shock, and anger overtook me was key to it resolving.

Understand, I did not insist on her being present. When those times hit I would rather her be 100 miles away, but she was having none of that.

I'm at a loss for much more... you need to be safe. You are not safe if your husband is someone who acts out his anger.

FM,

You are truly getting the best advice and I don't think I could give you anything better.

Just a couple of thoughts from my own experiences this past year:

1. I was so excited about MB that at first I tried to force it down my H's throat (to the point that he wanted to run in the other direction). What I started to do was just follow the policies and talk about them and talk about people on this forum. But I did it in moderation. I also did not talk about MB when it was our UA time. While he NEVER posted on here, he did read all of my forums along with a number of other people. He loves NG and takes everything he says to heart...thanks NG!!!

2. My H also had a lot of AOs. He would say horrible things to me and would always bring up the A and ask me to explain to him why I did it. Of course, I did not and will never have an answer that justifies what I did. This was extremely challenging for me because he had a revenge affair. So at first, when he would bring up my affair I would bring up his. Never ending battle in which no one would win...just a lot of pain and tears.

3. Once I started doing exactly what everyone on here told me to do, it really helped with the roller coaster ride. As many have told you, you just need to comfort him and let him know that you understand the pain that you caused. You also however can't let him continue to blame you for the A. In this, I am not saying that you should dismiss his pain and think that he should be "over it" but he should not be allowed to verbally, physically, or mentally abuse you because of what you did.

4. Pep, the notebook idea is brilliant! H and I have not had any AO's in awhile but I am still going to keep a notebook handy.

5. Just remember, you are at the beginning of a very long road to recovery. Your H is still scared and wants to see if you are as dedicated as you say you are to saving and fixing your marriage. He will test you many more times even if he does not realize it. It is his natural instinct to protect himself from you so he will react to his feelings.

In addition to all of the boundaries that were set, which I have been very strict about. I personally focuses a lot on affair proofing through good boundaries, but not enough on building a strong marriage. Both are equally key to success.[/color]

FM,

The above statement was written by UNWRITTEN on another post but it reminded me of you. It is very important to focus on affair proofing your marriage but don't lose sight in the main purpose...building a strong marriage.

FM, have you read XVY's entire thread (the "Irony" one)? I just re-read it in its entirety - almost 400 notes.

How many times was XVY about to declare "victory" when Mr XVY and she would have a setback? I counted three (in May, June, and August?) until The October Resolution!

But she's here! And infinitely more important - he is with her, together building the life that we saw as possible from her arriving, day one, as a woman who was already convinced of her own failures, and committed to enduring the struggle to succeed. Resilience? Persistence? Stubbornness? The word chosen for her key characteristic matters not at all - it is the existence of the strength behind that characteristic that spelled the telling advantage in her fight.

So ride the ride, FM, with its highs and lows. There is no defeat possible unless/until you surrender.

Glad to see your husband here, FM. Wow.

Wow.




FM, this should make you sick to your stomach & grateful all at the same time.

Grateful to have dodged the full impact of the "bullet" which your own choices aimed right at your head. A bullet that would've hit your life with devastating impact if you'd yoked yourself to someone who was such a moral cipher that he'd ditch his own kids in order to take another man's wife. (That's the part that should make you sick to your stomach.)

And grateful to have someone better who's willing to give you a second chance.

Earn it.

Absolutely Powerful Glove Oil ... the most impactful vision for this woman. It takes a souless, selfish, out of control person to completely abandon their children. The level of addiction one entrenches themself in is seen right here ... right here in front of our eyes. One of the sadness things I have ever read.

I cry out in horror knowing there are two little ones stuck with a man like this as their father. Absolutely Horrifying

H has started to post on MB. He is Mr Aqua and I am already grateful to everyone for helping him as you have helped me so much!
Fifteen, you mentioned a revenge affair, when H has had his angry outbursts, he mentions that sleeping with someone else seems to be the only thing that he thinks would make it even. As much as I'm sure it is an AO rather than an actual desire to threat, do you have advice for how to respond to that?
Right now we are focusing a lot on enjoying our UA time, though we are both concerned that we are not spending enough time working on MB since it sometimes turns unpleasant. I ordered all the books but I moved out before any except love busters arrived. I think two more have gotten to my sister's house and we are still waiting on two but she hasn't opened them so I don't know which ones they are.
We are also working on planning a trip. His mother's 60th birthday is the 17 th so in 3 weeks the entire family is going to Hawaii. We committed ourselves to planning this over a year ago and in the past we have always been the ones to coordinate and plan the family vacations so it is sort of expected that we do all the booking and researching for everyone. This is added stress but it also gives us a common goal to work towards. I am a little concerned with how it will feel to be around his family since they all know about the A and this will be the first time I have seen most of them in almost two years.

Fluffy;
I don't know how you have left things with your in-laws. Would you consider writing to everyone, apologizing for the hurt caused by your actions, and stating your commitment to mend your marriage?
This was one of my requirements from my WH. It took him a while to even realize that he owed them apology, and then to find the way.
Once your families know you are both committed to working hard on the marriage, and in YOUR case, doing whatever it takes to build the loving marriage you want and Mr. Aqua deserves, they may rally behind you. You can't have too much support!

I sent an email to my MIL with a detailed apology and have seen her and her husband several times. We are on as good terms as I could possibly hope. They are wonderful people and say they have forgiven me and are very supportive.
H sent out an email letting everyone else know that I will be going on the trip and that we are committed to working on rebuilding our marriage. I am not so much concerned with awkwardness as I am with taking the focus away from my MIL's birthday.

H sent out an email letting everyone else know that I will be going on the trip and that we are committed to working on rebuilding our marriage.

Wow! What a gift!

You should get a copy of that email, print it out, and kiss it every day for the rest of your life, my friend!

Good for you, Fluffy. And especially, good for Mr. Fluffy.

Keep on the path. You are doing great.

You came so far so fast. It's easier to make the right choices when you don't have an enabler bka POSOM mugging up your thoughts and life. Good on him for taking a stand and reaffirming his position to everyone.

The topic of a NC letter has come up and I was hoping that I could please get some insight from the vets. I feel like it would be reopening a can of worms. It seems counter intuitive to me to contact OM after two and a half months without contacting him to say not to contact me. I have concerns that this would be more likely to make him contact me than doing nothing.
When I made the decision to dedicate myself to saving the marriage and ended it with the OM, he showed up at my sister's door within the hour. Since then, he has tried emailing me a couple times but I have not responded and have since changed my personal email address and personal phone number but he knows the name of my business so even if I changed that number and email a dozen times he could still go to the website and get it again. It concerns me that getting a letter from me would be exactly the kind of thing that would start calls, which thankfully I have not gotten so far.
I do not think he knows where I live. He has never been to my house but I know from Facebook maps he has a pretty good idea and since there are no other residential complexes in the area and I had mentioned the unit number in previous conversations there is a small possibility that he could show up here but I kind of doubt that. If he did we would have the added concern of BH ending up in jail or us getting sued...
In summary, I would appreciate if someone would please explain why it is a good idea to send a NC letter since from a practical point of view I am having a hard time wrapping my head around it. Though I wasn't seeing it before, OM is highly unstable and I'm worried it would do more harm than good to stir things up.