FM, remember that suggestion to stop "thinking".....

OM,
When we last spoke you gave both H and me your word that you would not contact me again. Your emails have proven that you cannot be taken for your word so please see this as my formal request to cease and desist any further attempts to contact me or H through any means, written, verbal, or otherwise.

The relationship I had with you was selfish, cruel, and hurtful to everyone I care about, especially H. I caused undue stress and pain to those who loved me and I am deeply regretful for that. H did not deserve the way I treated him and I am committed to making things right with him and repairing the damage I have done to our marriage. Out of respect and love for him, I have vowed never to come into contact with you again.

Please respect my attempt to regain my integrity and heal my family by never contacting any of us again.

Sincerely,
FM

Why waste an entire paragraph telling him stuff he already knows. You are NOT supposed to be justifying your NO CONTACT demand ("We tried to do this politely but you broke the rules!" ), just giving him the new way you now view your actions with him, and your commitment to BH. Q.E.D.

NG,
I would really like to put the phrase cease and desist in there because I feel that it may become a legal/restraining order matter. Can you suggest how I can work that in? I may be worrying for nothing but I would rather be safe than sorry.
Mr aqua also is kind of iffy on the phrasing of I have vowed never to come into contact with you again. Is there a stronger way to phrase that?

How about, "...to have nothing to do with you, in any way or context, again."

And trust me, friend, as one experienced with a form of restraining order, what you put in this letter will not matter if you need to take that next step. The TRO will have its own language and restrictive parameters, in great detail - so far from any domicile, spelling out what forms of communication are forbidden (down to phone numbers and e-addresses).

How is this? He has been to court a few times,so he's like a wanna be lawyer, I think the cease and desist may at least make him think of the legal issues even if it doesn't actually legally matter.

OM,

The relationship I had with you was selfish, cruel, and hurtful to everyone I care about, especially H. I caused undue stress and pain to those who loved me and I am deeply regretful for that. H did not deserve the way I treated him and I am committed to making things right with him and repairing the damage I have done to our marriage. I am committed to working to become the best wife i can be for him so out of respect and love for him, I have vowed to have nothing to do with you in any context ever again.

This is my formal request to cease and desist any further attempts to contact me or H through any means, written, verbal, or otherwise. Please respect my attempt to regain my integrity and heal my family by never contacting any of us again.

Sincerely,
FM

How are you sending it?

Make sure all your contact information is changed.

All of my personal contact info has been changed. My business is a website so even if I changed that number a dozen times or the email address, he could still got other website where all the contact info would be.
Mr Aqua's original request was that I gave up my business and get a regular job and i agreed but after examining the job market, our financial situation, and our household situation (and he was taking my feelings into account as well) we came to the conclusion that continuing the business would be best move for us at least for the time being.
We are discussing transferring the business number to a google voice accounts for its call blocking capabilities.

I missed the part about how we're sending it, I asked in my earlier post if it should be hand written or typed or if it doesnt matter so were unclear on that still but after getting some feedback tonight we are going to type/write it tomorrow morning before he leaves for work and he is going to take it with hi to mail. The envelopes all stamped and addressed. I used the business po box as the return address.

We do usually recommend hand written, so the AP knows it's legitimately from the WS.

Sounds good. Any other suggestions, additions to or subtractions from the second draft? Going to spend a little UA time together before bed but will check back in the morning to implement final touches on the NCL so I can hand write it and H can take it with him to work.

Just my first reaction about the NCL: it's too passive voice and whether you mean it to or not, still appears to put your husband as an after thought. Is there something wrong with the example that comes from Dr. Harley (I believe MelodyLane posted it for you)? A direct way of saying it is "I deeply regret the pain I caused" instead of "I'm deeply regretful for that." The opening sentence could start with a statement of no contact, then go on.

The letter you presented should be adequate. Write it in your own hand, give it to your BH, and have him mail it, certified, and RRR.

Time to move on, kiddo.

Yes things are clarified now.

You want a guarantee from your BH that when the OM reveals new truths about what went on during the affair that your BH will not dump your butt out the door.

Someone is about to get mouse trapped.

Mr Aqua has taken the letter to be mailed so we are done there. He says he is already feeling better and I can see the change in his attitude towards me.

Now on to the next issue...
Those reading his post saw last night about the girl that has been messaging him. A little background there. She was dating one of Mr Aquas close longtime friends for several years. They broke up and in less than a year she was married to another very close friend from their circle. She is 22, he is in his late 30s (38-39?)
From what I gather, they are having problems and it seems like she is trying to jump to another friend I the group.

The day of discovery, Aqua posted on FB and she was immediately there comforting him, offiring to come over and cook him dinner, ect. He said not without his friend there as well so it didn't happen. Then she was inviting him to do stuff with her/them on the weekends when I was down here trying to work things out but whenever he told her that I would be coming as well all of a sudden it didn't happen. Last night she texted him that her husband was out of town, they had been having problems and when he asked what was going on she said it was more of a sit down and tell story but she could come over and make him dinner, salmon salad. He replied that I don't eat fish but if she wanted to come over I would cook for all of us and her response was no thanks, I didn't realize FM had moved back.
At this point I asked Aqua to tell her that as part of MB we had come to the agreement that neither of us would socialize (dinner, ect) with a member of the opposite sex without the other present. I also said he should point out how inappropriate it would be for her to come over and share her marital problems with him without me there as well. Instead of doing either of these things, he suggested we all get together and maybe compare how we are working through our problems. This sort of got an unenthusiastic sounds good in the future that led me to believe its not going to happen.
They talked a bit more, part if it felt like she was trying to engage him in conversation and part of it was her trying to get us involved in her pyramid scheme business. I'm nt sure how the conversation ended but at 10:40 when we were in bed he got a goodnight text from her.

So, any advice on how to solve it? He says that he told her husband about the messages and pictures and that part of him wants to play along and see how far she'd push it so he can trap her and tell him. As much as I like the idea of sending her a NC letter, since she is married to a man who has been his friend since before we met 12 years ago I would hate for him to lose that friendship because if this woman he has been married to for a year. I really want him to just tell her that her behavior is inappropriate and he will not be socializing with her at any time unless either I or her h are also there. I also feel like the next time I see her I should take her aside and tell her that I know how easy it is to cross a line, I know about mistakes, and I know about forgiveness. Aqua has shared everything you have sent him with me and it is completely inappropriate. It needs to stop right now, I am willing to give you a lean slate but cross the line again and we are going to have problems. Aqua says he doesn't want me to say anything like that to her because it would cause tension but I feel it needs to be said if we are going to continue to have a relationship with the as a couple.

I don't know how much of this I should be worried about. I let Aqua know that by not telling her about our boundaries I felt like he was valuing her feelings above mine. I want to believe that his intentions are genuine and that he really is playing along to help out his friend so he knows that she is going to screw him over and I feel that he has been honest and upfront with what has happened so far but I am still uncomfortable with it. I know as the WW I am in no position to be making demands and I am trying to understand his position but in anger a revenge affair has been mentioned. Is it wrong for me to want him to take EPs as well?

Extraordinary Precautions, when followed by BOTH spouses, along with meeting each others ENs and avoiding LBs, will create the conditions that go a long way to avoiding affairs.

Your husband should also live by Extraordinary Precautions: no female friendships, shared passwords, etc.

Dr. Harley and his wife have always lived with EPs and neither one has ever had an affair, because EPs prevent affairs.

Not a good idea to use himself to trap the tramp.
Plus, is it not possible he is getting a need met through he flirtatious/attention?

Your BH needs to shut this girl down now. On his post I told him just that. Told him to call up this BH/friend an invite him over and show him what his WW has been doing, give him a copy of Surviving An Affair, give him a tour of MB site and forum. Then go NC with him and her.

If your BH will not protect appropriate boundaries then it is time for you to take the bull by the horns and expose this OW to her BH on your own today.

Do not let yourself fall into the trap that you being a WW has left you without the authority to enforce boundaries the MB way.

WOW! I am not able to get on the forum for 4 days and so much has happened on your post. I don't even know where to begin. I was not even going to get on tonight but Mr. XVY told me that I better get on your post and check out the latest (I think of him as the ghost MBer, he is on here but you just don't know when he will show up).

First of all, I think it is great that you sent a NC letter, especially if your H really wanted it. Even when people were on here thinking you were caving in, I had faith in you.


That however is not the most concerning thing on here to me. The most concerning thing is your H's friend's wife that is trying to weasel her way into your marriage because hers is not happy and she knows that yours is weak.

I noticed in an earlier post to me you expressed to me your concerns about your H during his AO telling you he was going to go be with someone else. This is scary for a couple of reasons: 1. My H said the same thing and because he was so vulnerable, he did end up finding someone else.
2. You H's friends wife is on him like a vulture...this is not something to brush off or ignore but you must handle it the MB way.

Here is the advice that I can give you from my experience. Even though you are the one the royally screwed up (and don't you forget it, the NC drama had me worried that you were reverting back to your selfish ways) it does not mean that your H get the right to travel down the same path and you just have to sit back and allow it to happen.

I thought this and I allowed my H to go out, LB me, have AO, and essentially have his own A in which I was in severe denial about because I was trying so hard to "fix" us in a hurry rather than truly working the program.

Here is another bit of advice, you both need to work the program!!!! If your H is serious, he needs to know that ANYONE is wired to have an AFFAIR. My H claims that he never would but honestly, I didn't think that I would either time...and it happened.

Do I think that some people are stronger and can resists the temptations of the opposite sex? Yes, possibly but why temp fate? Why put yourself in situation where if allowed an affair could take place? Such a simple concept but one that never dawned on me until a started following MB.

So yes, stand up for your marriage!!!! Tell your H the behavior of his friends wife is unacceptable and she needs to be EXPOSED for what she truly is. Your H also needs to know that contact with her is not acceptable. You don't have to necessarily demand this but make sure he know just how devastating and damaging it is to your recovery and marriage every time he talks to her. I would even have him (or do it yourself) block her number.


You are trying to repair your marriage. Your H is EXTREMELY vulnerable right now and she needs to be OUT OF THE PICTURE!!! Don't worry about your H's friendship with his friend. That should be the least of your worries. If you guys expose his wife and his friend thinks your wrong, he will eventually see her true self and come back to both of you. You need to focus on YOU GUYS!!!


Just one other thing, you are going to Hawaii in a couple weeks, Utilize this time with both your H and his family. This is your time to heal in so many ways. FM, I think about you all the time and wish the best for you.

Especially in the early stages of recovery, it may be EVEN MORE important that a BS tightens up their boundaries.


A post-affair marriage will always be vulnerable and fragile if proper boundaries and precautions are not upheld.


Facebook seems to be a big deal in the wreck of a marriage you two have. Given that, the BEST practice is for both of you to eliminate it.

The only possible alternative is; you two have a joint account accessible by both of you at any given time from any given place. All conctacts that are NOT family or immediate friends of the marriage are removed. ALL OS friends of either spouse are entirely eliminated. All coworkers, classmates, etc are REMOVED and BLOCKED.

Fifteen,
Thank you for your kind words and your faith in me. I am trying not to be selfish but it is a learning process and I'm sure I'm screwing up from time to time.

H texted his friend but hasn't heard back, he is navy and has to work 24 hour shifts (the reason he's not around tonight and she wanted to come over) I will keep everyone posted about what goes on there. We are thinking about trying to pursue the loose plan of a couples get together this weekend and get everything out but since she has ducked out every time I was around so far so we will see how that goes. H wants to protect his friend and has the mentality that if its not him she's going after it will be someone else so he wants to make sure his friend knows what she is doing.

NO.

If he wants to "help his friend" what he needs to do is send his friends copies of all the communications he hasn't conveniently deleted to his friend, along with a No Contact letter stating that out of respect for his friend and his marriage, and for his own marriage and wife, he can no longer interact with them.

Then, his friend has his own decisions and investigations to make beyond what your husband provides.


Honestly, the whole "helping a friend" thing sounds like a convenient smokescreen for a guy who was fishing for an affair with his wife's friend... and if he wasn't fishing for it, he was driving directly into it, playing chicken.


This, however, does nothing to your culpability in your marriage-wrecking decisions and actions.