I agree. Send the BH all communication that your BH received from OW with a No Contact Letter approved by you.

Sorry, but the OW has put her and your marriage in jeopardy and has hurt your H's friendship with her BH.

No. If their marriage was solid, then perhaps they'd be people you could lean on; but that ain't the case, and as things stand, you & Aqua should under no circumstances be considering getting together with them. The two of you have got plenty of drama to clean up after, without taking any of theirs onboard.

FM,

I agree with all of the other posters on here...stay away from them!!! Maybe your H does have the best intentions but you guys need to work on YOU!!!! I read your H's posts tonight and told him the same thing. He needs to block her as a contact and you both need to give yourselves space from them (it is sad to say but maybe for good).

You can't fix someone else's marriage, so focus only on fixing your own.

I also know that you are trying to be the noble person by offering to have them over and try to "fix" them. Sorry to be so blunt but SCREW HER!!!! She is trying to take advantage of your H while he is wounded. You don't owe her anything!!! You owe your H by standing up for your marriage and not allowing her anywhere near it.


Another thought from your latest response to me about being selfish. I totally understand where you are coming from. The entire thing is a learning process. The really cool thing however is the fact that you now realize that you are being selfish and even when you mess up, you recognize and and are learning from it. It will be a process, just don't give up!!!

This OW is trying to bang your BH and you want to invite them over into your home?

H got ahold of his friend and let him know what was going on, crazy thing, he said he was sitting here the whole time. In talking tonight, I come to discover that hen he went over to hang out with them while I wasn't living in e area, she came to the door wearing a long tshirt and no pants... My thought now is what is this guy thinking? He was there too and saw nothing wrong with it. How does he not see this is crazy inappropriate? I am now agreeing that we have done our part by recommending the books and now we need to steer clear.

What EPs have you set up?

He posted this on his but here it is

We both have each others passwords to everything.

I do not go to my parents house/that area without him since that is where AP lives

Did send the AP NC

Changed phone and email

Deleted FB (he still has his)

Blocked POSOM email

We spend most if not all free time together.

Not going out with member of opposite sex or talking to them about M issues

GPS tracking (for me, not him)

Never spending a night apart (unless He has to travel for work)

Um, I hate to say this but this woman going through a divorce is discussing martial issues with him.

Here is a good example.
Extraordinary Precautions

I know the woman he is texting. We went to lunch with her, her son, and H's mother and stepfather just before Christmas. His mom and her mom were friends a million years ago so she has literally known him since he was in the womb. She lives in another state and we see her maybe once a year if that and I'm pretty sure that at least in the last 5 years or so he hasn't seen her without me there also.
Last night she texted him for the first time since I moved back nearly 3 weeks ago to see how he was doing. He was sitting there next to me texting and asked it it bothered me that I was thing to her. I said I didn't care. Later he read me their texts, they were discussing marital issues the weekend that he wanted time to himlf to think, the weekend that ultimately brought us to MB.
In the texts he expressed that he thought it was time to call it quits, she related this to her M and encouraged him to stay strong in his decision and that it would get easier. I am not sure if she was being supportive or trying to convince him to move on.
I cannot be upset with him for having this conversation because it was before MB, he can't break an ep we hadn't made yet. The conversation last night was mainly small talk, no mention of anything personal or M related, it does bother me a little that in "how are things" the point that I have moved back seems to be not coming up a lot with whoever he is talking to but I guess people will figure it out eventually.

Just because you had an affair doesn't mean your hubby gets his way all the time. EPs are for both spouses for a happy marriage. He's breaking EPs. That simple! I'm sure the vets would agree! NG? ML?

Yes, it bothers you A LOT but you don't feel you have the right to ask your BH to give up his life long friend after everything you did...well you do. Radical Honesty is part of the MB package. I still have trouble with this but have gotten much better at letting my H know how if feel and things that bother me.

I do see where both you and Mr. A did not realize how serious this was but now you know and this behavior is a huge LB in your marriage. Even if it is innocent between the two, you and I both know how quickly that can change.

Don't be afraid to be honest and stand up for your marriage.

Oh and your Hs friends wife......keep her away!!! Have nothing to do with her and block her #. She is itching for an A and either her H is in denial or he just doesn't care. Either way you need to erase the red bullseye from your Hs head by making it clear to them that you want nothing to do with either of them.

FM, on another thread on this board I just posited that the easiest way NOT to rebuild a marriage is for the FWSs (or both spouses) to consider those FWSs "junior partners" in the union. Once recovery is underway, the rules of O&H, RH, POJA, care, etc, apply to the couple equally!

You have the same right, no, DUTY, to insist on strong boundaries from him as you are constructing for yourself.

I have a question about where the boundaries for ep's are just for me or where they are for us both. Earlier, several people were saying that I had to give up my Facebook account (I have) but I could not insist that he give up his ( he hasn't ) he says I am the one who can't be trusted with one and he shouldn't have to give his up because of that. Several people have mentioned the idea of a joint FB account but several others have said that that's still a bad idea.

I do not have any male friends that aren't his friends that I am friendly with when we socialize with them as a couple but he does have female friends. I do not have a texting plan on my phone so at a quarter a pop I avoid texts like the plague, his company pays for unlimited use on his phone so he texts all the time. I work from home so the only contact I have with anyone male or female is when a customer calls or emails, he works with many people but there is no reason to think that is an issue since he does not go out to social work events one on one with anyone. But with all this, I am the one who had the A because he has always respected boundaries. So what is and is not appropriate for each of us to expect of the other as far as ep's?

It's simple if you can't do it neither can be affair or not. EPs are for both spouses. He shouldn't have FB and he should NC that skank and the best friend.

This would be a POJA issue. I think a joint account would be a good compromise

All of those new dangers to your marriage are just that "new" to you and FBH. As you spend time together, and as you incorporate the MB principles into those discussions, the POJA will start to be your guide:

"DH, I know you have never yielded to the temptation to misuse FB, but having read Dr H's works, I am uncomfortable with the possibility of OWs trying to insert themselves into our marriage. How can we approach this together?"

BH deleted his Facebook account today. I didn't bring it up but I think a lot of it and from everyone's posts on his thread. He was kind of sad about it and it so happened that tonight we read the withdrawal chapter of SAA which made him wonder if he will feel withdrawal from FB. I feel guilty that my A led to him to make this decision but I hope it pays off for both of us in the long run. We may consider a joint account in the future but for now I think we are safer without it..

Good call.