...tell her you will only drop the divorce if she ends her affair and commits to a program of recovery.

Mel, I really think that ship has left port. Trying to read FB's position, he basically set his stand on letting her effectively "file" by going to AZ to get skewered this weekend by POSOM. While those of us here were urging him to initiate mayhem and chaos on her, FB chose not to.

You and I are not that different, so I'd ask you: If at a similar point you told your WS, "If you go, you'll come back to service of a petition to divorce!" and he went, returning smelling of AP skank, would you have pulled back on your promise? I know I could not have. (If in need of more support, read the epilogue on any one of GO's notes.)

FB said, "Please don't throw away our marriage!" WW said, "F+++ you!" It doesn't get any more brutal.

NG, I can't disagree with a word you say. I didn't realize he drew that line in the sand and I agree he should follow through. And I most especially agree with blackraven that he should not use the same attorney and should file on grounds of adultery.

The attny can only rep me, but as along as we agree to terms of everything, my attny can file paper work for both parties. If my WW has a legal question, she will have to consult an attny of her own. Sorry for any confusion on the matter.

MelodyLane,at this point when she went back out to AZ, I feel she put the final nail in our marriage coffin.

My attny said that with KY being a no fault state, I have a limited list of reasons to pick from. Adultery is not one of them. This saddens me because I wanted it on file and for public record.

NG, I'm not sure you understand the reasons on why I handled things the way I did, but you at least get the idea I think. I was giving her the rope. Instead of using it as a life line to save our marriage, she used it as a hangmans noose for our marriage. If she only knows 1 thing about me, it's that I don't make idle threats! You are correct the line is in the sand and she is on the wrong side.

I gotcha! And I would tend to agree. It is rare that a WS is this brazen.

Very informative thread - I can see a lot of parallel things going on with what I am going through - I wish I had filed first - I think one thing to also consider is getting a "temporary hearing" scheduled to get custody of your D and give your WW a time limit to move out ( or undo the A). I was advised to do this ( before I was on MB), but did not.

It might give her second thoughts about the Affair.

That's what I did FB. I think its working. Follow the advice and get temporary custody also child support as well

At this point I will going be with my legal cousel on matters like this. I will post more tomorrow after my W gets the papers.

It would be to your advantage for her to remain in the fog and deeply in love with OM during a divorce.

TQ, he won't be successful in getting temporary custody or child support.
You received it because your wife has mental health concerns. The courts don't care that FB wife has a boyfriend in Arizona.

FB at this point you need to find a way to raise your kids with your work schedule.
Are you seeking custody?
Are you going to split custody?

Jedi_Knight, I will be going for 50/50 custody. I have a buddy with 2 kids that is a firefighter as well. So I'm going to use his model for 50/50 custody.

I'm still mad that she came to me yesterday saying I'm not sure if this is what I want. She didn't say I DON'T want this, or I will do whatever it takes, she said I don't know if I want this! WTF! She is obviously a selfish person at this point, but that just chaps my [censored]! How dare you tell me you don't know if you want this, as if you have a say at this point!

Is this normal for me to feel pist off that she said that? Or am I over reacting?

Even in a no fault state, a BS can work the language into the Divorce Petition. I don't know what you lawyer's form looks but it can be added even if for informational purposes only. If your attorney is too lazy to do it then that is another issue. To my knowledge, the County Clerk can not provide legal counsel and will have to record any document you give them. The adultery would then be on record. The clerk is not going to 'unrecord' a document if WW cries.

I'm still mad that she came to me yesterday saying I'm not sure if this is what I want. She didn't say I DON'T want this, or I will do whatever it takes, she said I don't know if I want this!

Of COURSE she doesn't want this, but it's because she doesn't see the end-game. What she wants is the liberty to harvest EN's from multiple men indefinitely. Once the D is final your actions will have given her the opportunity to do just that ...from OM1, OM2, OM3......... She does NOT however like the cost for her new liberty. Ah, well, paying the piper follows dancing the dance!

She is obviously a selfish person at this point, but that just chaps my [censored]! How dare you tell me you don't know if you want this, as if you have a say at this point!

If you need this to stop, you need to prevent her from knowing, or even thinking, she can "chap your [censored]!" Or, respond with enough to hurt her much worse than "chapping":

"Well, WW, your actions made obvious the fact that you and I should not remain married. I would probably have not been able to reach that firm a conclusion if you hadn't demonstrated that you have become a cheap, easy, slut. See you in court, sweetie!"

NG, I like the last part of your post. I just repeated back to her all the reasons she gave me on why it wouldn't work. But if the subject comes back up, that will be my response!

Let me dust off the old wayward reasoning decoder ring...


What she really means is, "I do not want to re-engage in this marriage, work, or try at all. I want to do what I want, mess around with the OM and fly out to AZ, but still bunk up in my cozy house and live life relatively normal without you making waves."

My ex-wife strung me along for months with the "trying to find out if I even want to try."

I'll use running a marathon as an example. Yes, its a very hard thing to do and takes a minimum of 18 months of hard, dedicated training to accomplish. But it can be done, we all have the muscles, bones and tendons that can be transformed into an efficient running machine with the right training effort. But you have to want to do it and have to be totally committed. No one ever ran a marathon by "waiting to see if they want to try."

Blehhh...you really touched a nerve with this one.

BKA cake eating!

Perfectc Schtoop!

Fireboss, sounds like you are headed to Plan B.

My advice for you is to remember to avoid respectful judgments and angry outbursts with your WW, even though the outcome you desire is divorce, because they are love busters, which should be avoided even in broken relationships.

Congratulations on being assertive and taking strong action. So many who come here are paralyzed in fear.

Finally, just a thought. When my WW refused to give up her affair partner, I immediately asked her to leave the house (I wasted not a second), and I immediately filed for a legal separation and let her know that I was willing to reconcile should she have a change of heart. I was assertive, firm, and action-oriented. But I left the door open. She didn't want to come back, and we divorced 10 months later. A month after the divorce final the fog lifted, and she came back remorseful and asking for reconciliation. Had I closed the deal by "showing her" and being disrespectful I don't think she would have approached me. We are now happily recovering our marriage, our family is in tact, and our kids are much better off. I didn't think this would be possible.

Perhaps you are not open to reconciliation. That's your choice. For me, I am thankful for the second chance. And even had we not reconciled, I would be glad that I avoided Love Busters, knowing that that practice would serve me well in my next relationship.

Ok Justthe3ofus, how do you suggest I handle this then at leasts in my response to her when she says stuff like that? Just ignore her? I only fed her the lines she fed me when I told her what I wanted.....

I did tell her I wanted her to leave when I said I wasn't leaving my house. She even said if I didn't leave she would and would have to take our D with her due to my work schedule. But she has yet to leave!

Do what you can to be sure that she CANNOT take DD.

FB,

Don't misunderstand me. Be honest and direct. What she is doing is evil. A rose by any color is still a rose. Do not sugar coat her adultery in your presence.

One can be honest without being disrespectful or having angry outbursts. And it sounds like you have managed that well up this point. I'm simply saying that now you have decided to divorce her, I would recommend still applying MB principles (go dark, and avoid love busters).

By the way, its ok to vent here and call her every name in the book. But I suggest that you bite your tongue in her presence for the reasons stated in my previous post.

Make sense?