I've been lurking on this forum for some time and have read through Dr. H's different threads. I agree with the principals of his method and approach. I'm also overwhelmed by the action that is required on my part to salvage this relationship. My hope is that I have the strength, courage and fortitude to follow this through.

I'll preface what I'm about to say by stating I am devastated, angry and feel like I'm going crazy. I understand this is normal.... the crazy part?

I'm not well versed in all the acronyms, but do have some of the basics down. I will learn though, as time goes on.

We have been together for 8+ years and engaged since 2009. We met in 2004, 4 years after his divorce was final and 3 years after my divorce was final. He has two alienated teenage daughters and a N/BPD ex-wife. I have no biological children of my own and we do not have children together. We own a business together and I own the house we live in. Is this information relevant?

As of tonight, I am thoroughly convinced my fiance is having an affair since I found further validation of this by snooping. And yes, I have print outs of emails, OW's phone number and email addresses as well as print screens of text messages. I feel like throwing up just typing this out. My fiance recently got a very sophisticated smart phone and has it in lock down. I can no longer snoop.

I did confront him about the OW and he lied about the extent of their involvement, of course????

I want to try and salvage our relationship. I'm typically a problem solver and do not know where to begin. I have read about plan A as well as Plan B. I think I'm ready to do exposure? But at this point I am looking for validation that my thoughts are real and I'm nor going crazy. I would also welcome pointed questions from those that have been through this. I'm so lost.

This post is the first time I have communicated my suspicion as well as the affair.

Where do I begin?

Do not bother.

You may love him but he is not your husband and he is not a good fiance.

Do not try to salvage the relationship.

Plan to split (where you can live and what to do about the business) and when all your ducks are in a row......do it.

Don't look back.

Find a keeper and don't live with the next man you plan to marry.

I'm also engaged and my fiance and I both have kids from previous marriages. So our situations are somewhat similar, but my fiance and I don't live together.

My first thought is that you should move out. My second thought is that you should cut all ties, personal and professional. Since you aren't married, his cheating can't be treated the same as an extramarital affair. I would simply treat it as a dealbreaker.

He is telling you in no uncertain terms what your life would be like if you married him. You don't deserve another day of this heartache, certainly not a lifetime.

Dear S

I cheated on my xH before marriage. I did it because I didn't love him enough. I confessed immediately on my own. He didn't have to force me to confess because I was thinking of ending our relationship, even though the OM and I had broke up . My xH insisted on staying together . We married and I never cheated again. But we are divorced now... You don't wont a second divorce, do you?

I am very sorry for your pain. It is very hard indeed.

I read you are together for 8 years, but not married.

I hope you move on with your life and leave him behind.

He is lying, cheating, hiding stuff..not worth your time anymore.

I am praying for you.

Thank you all for your replies. I sincerely appreciate it.

If I had lied and said I was married, would the responses have been different?

The fact that you didn't lie says you have character.

And yes, the responses would be much different. Now get in your 4WD vehicle, fill it up with gas, put it in high gear, and don't stop until you have to fill it up.

Yes, absolutely, because there is a huge difference between marriage and dating. But the answers would have made your situation worse, not better. It would be like giving chemotherapy to a man with a heart attack. The treatment doesn't work.

SO -

Think of this dating/engaged time as an interview for a job.
The job is husband. He did not pass the interview - so he does not get the job.

The fact that he is being dishonest and trying to gaslight you (make you think you are wrong about the facts) should show you what a battle you are up against.

Why would you want to fight so hard at his point?
An affair is A LOT to overcome, and recovery should only be attempted if you are MARRIED and have CHILDREN.

We would very likely advise a newly married person with no children to get out too.

Thanks Lexxy. We would have been married at least 5 years ago but his ex-w kept trying to sue me for my financial information claiming he was hiding money through me. Which he was not. I was advised by an attorney if we were married she would have more of a leg to stand on. I didn't want to constantly be attacked by her so we decided to not formally marry until his youngest was close to aging out. We tossed around some dates for 2014.

I'm approaching 50 and do not want to strike out on my own again for various sundry reasons. He has an appointment to talk with a psychologist in March when our new health insurance kicks in. He has a lot of unresolved issues as do I. I really like the principals of this program and I guess I can try to do this on my own. If MB is not for people like me, unmarried but in a long term relationship, then please let me know. No hard feelings. Promise....

SO, the best book for you would be Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders. It explains why living together is so destructive to relationships. It also gives ideas on how to turn that around. Did you know that 20% of couples live together, but those couples constitute 80% of domestic violence? They are very different from marriages.

Please read this why you wait for the book.

Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

Well, a longterm, live in relationship does not a marriage make.

Fact is.....if he had wanted to marry you....he would have already no matter what.
Nothing could have stopped him. No ex-w, no minor child.

You can try to save the relationship but you would fare well to dump him and to date others and to find a guy who is, like you, wanting a monogamous relationship.

You are only approaching 50 and if you stay....you most likely will find yourself in an identical situation with him only approaching 60. (and so on).

Cut bait and get over your love for him. Find someone who deserves that love.

Hi Solutionsonly,

I was wondering how things were going for you and if you had an update? I hope you're doing well.