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kinglui Offline OP
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1. My WW has 273 friends on Facebook. Should I expose to all or only those that seem to have a significant relationship with her?

2. OM does not share friends on Facebook. Is there any clever way to get this info? Tried creating a fake account with an attractive woman requesting to friend, but didn't work. I have found six friends by checking the likes/comments that do show up. OM does not have wife, but appears likely divorced, maybe kids. OM broke-up with girlfriend recently, just before meeting for date with WW. OM knows WW has kids and husband (me).

3. I saw a post that someone created a special web page with their evidence of the affair. Is this a good idea? Or is it better to stick with just saying in your messages that you can provide evidence to anyone who requests it.

Hoping so much this saves my family, and scared.

(Married almost 13 years with 7 yr old daughter and 3 yr old son)

Last edited by JustUss; 03/01/13 03:15 PM. Reason: title change

Me: BH
Married: 2000
Children: 2 (2006, 2009)
WW (3 occurrences, 2004, 2012, 2013, discovered Jan 2013)
Exposure: 3/08/2013
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Do you know your WW FB password. While both are at work log on and see if you can get on pretending to be WW.

Who else besides FB friends are you going to expose?

How did WW and OM meet, at work?

Last edited by TheRoad; 01/30/13 07:00 PM.
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Originally Posted by kinglui
1. My WW has 273 friends on Facebook. Should I expose to all or only those that seem to have a significant relationship with her?

Facebook exposure is typically intended for the OM, not the WS. I would go through the OM's pictures and facebook page if you can and find all his contacts.

Did you read exposure 101?

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2. OM broke-up with girlfriend recently, just before meeting for date with WW. OM knows WW has kids and husband (me).

How do you know this? Do you know the girlfriend?

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3. I saw a post that someone created a special web page with their evidence of the affair. Is this a good idea? Or is it better to stick with just saying in your messages that you can provide evidence to anyone who requests it.

It is much better to set up a webpage and upload the evidence if you can. It completely ruins any deniability on the part of the affairees.

Did you read through the welcome thread at the top of this forum?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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You can do the website and the Facebook thing, HOWEVER. If you do FB exposure, make your list with the highest priority (mom, dad, etc) targets first. Several MB people have, as of late, been barred from FB for a time because of "spamming".

Last edited by karmasrose; 01/30/13 07:57 PM.

One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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Originally Posted by karmasrose
Several MB people have, as of late, been barred from FB for a time because of "spamming".

I am going to set up another facebook account with just pictures of me, my wife and my kids and dear friends in it and will use that account to do the exposure through. Not sure if it will work but will let all know


ME(BH:) 36yrs
WW: 37yrs
Married: 12yrs
Together: 15yrs
D:5yrs
D: 2yr
Bomb drop: ILBINILWY, I am not attracted to you anymore, I dont feel myself around you
MB Stage: Exposure Done, Living together still
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kinglui Offline OP
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Melody, I am very happy to see you helping me. I have read many of your posts and have seen how you have provided good help on this forum. I have read Exposure 101 (multiple times). I have read through Dr. Harley's concepts and several of the articles. I have also purchased "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs" and the workbook. I purchased the books several months before I discovered the affair (I was already feeling like our relationship needed help and she was absolutely against counseling). I tried to get my wife to read them together with me to no avail. So I was reading on my own. I discovered the affair 16 days ago; my WW lied to me about where she was and who she was with (I confirmed by checking the location feature in our android phones, and calling the people she said she was with pretending I couldn't get a hold of her). She was with OM at a restaurant 10 miles away from where she said she was (double confirmed by address history in car GPS). I checked phone records to discover communications between WW and OM started about a month ago. Right away I did my own investigating and installed (during middle of night) an app on her phone to forward text messages to a new email address I created. She has been very protective of her phone, taking it with her everywhere, even bathroom. The text messages crushed me and provide evidence beyond a doubt. I did confront her within days after discovering the affair, but she got wind from her friends and had already invented another lie as cover-up. I told her I know with certainty, but she would not admit it directly and then lashed out and said some pretty mean things. The next day it was like nothing had happened, proceed with life as usual. Either she thinks I was only guessing and she foiled me, or she just doesn't care. It seems like she is leading two lives. I am on Plan A right now, trying to make love bank deposits and she seems to reciprocate, but the next moment she is off writing romantic texts with OM. Oddly, she is also doing some nice things and actually coordinating time for the two of us spend together. I was almost going to delay exposure but then when I read the text messages I am crushed. That's why I am here in the forum. I want to make sure I do it right.

Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Facebook exposure is typically intended for the OM, not the WS. I would go through the OM's pictures and facebook page if you can and find all his contacts.

Thank you for clarifying this. So do I have this right for the people to expose to:
--My mom & dad, brothers, sisters, and my 7 yr old daughter.
--WW's mom & dad, brothers, sisters, close relatives (please note that all of them live very far away as in other states/countries; I could potentially fly her sister here since she is already helping me).
--WW's closer friends
--(WW is stay at home mom and this is not a workplace situation)
--OM's friends (I've only found 6 for sure and a few maybe's; can't seem to discover any family; OM does not have much on FB; I have also used Spokeo to discover possible ex and kids)

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2. OM broke-up with girlfriend recently, just before meeting for date with WW. OM knows WW has kids and husband (me).

Originally Posted by MelodyLane
How do you know this? Do you know the girlfriend

Both his FB page and her FB page showed them together in profile pic. Last Friday WW and OM organized an outing for Saturday (from which WW did not get home until 4:00am). Shortly after OM removed pic of him with GF and the GF did the same and changed her status from "In a relationship" to "Single". I do not know the GF.

I know OM knows about my kids and myself through a few text messages that mentioned us.

Originally Posted by MelodyLane
It is much better to set up a webpage and upload the evidence if you can. It completely ruins any deniability on the part of the affairees.

I do know how to do this. Are text messages sufficient evidence or do I need to get pictures too? The messages are quite obvious discussing wanting to see each other again, remembering/wanting kisses, organizing meetings, etc. I was thinking of getting a friend to read them to make sure.

All this is really killing me because I still love her. We have two lovely kids and I always envisioned us growing old together (she used to as well).

Oh yes, and here's the killer... this is the second time. When the first affair happened, I didn't know what to do. We tried counseling and she gave up after one visit. So I sent her on a "vacation" back to her home. I had told her sister and she was going to help me fix it. I was going to join WW 2 weeks later, but then she was in a car accident where she almost lost her life. It felt like the event was God's way of keeping us from falling apart and healing which we did for years, and started a family. But I didn't know about MB and now I know my big mistake was not to expose at that time, even if she had almost lost her life and was in a hospital bed.


Me: BH
Married: 2000
Children: 2 (2006, 2009)
WW (3 occurrences, 2004, 2012, 2013, discovered Jan 2013)
Exposure: 3/08/2013
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kinglui Offline OP
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BTW, MB has helped me a lot to realize how to avoid love bank withdrawals and instead make love bank deposits. I realized that some things I was doing has contributed to our recent falling out. One of my friends has a wife with many similar qualities as mine and brought to light something I did not see (yet). And that is that I was not being assertive enough and in charge, but rather too accommodating and giving choices too often. My sister confirmed it as well. Many women want a man who takes charge and is decisive and even commanding at times. It makes them feel safe. Does that sound right?

I did test that idea tonight by making reservations at a nice restaurant and then coming home from work, and pretty much commanding and helping the family to get ready (in a respectful way). And low and behold, after we came back from the excursion, we had sex. I was somewhat boggled. But then shortly after, she was texting OM again. That's why I wrote the novel above. I figured no matter how much I do right, the affair is not gonna stop without a major event, like exposure.


Me: BH
Married: 2000
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Wow, king, you have done a super job putting your plan together! I applaud your efforts. Your exposure list looks perfect. The only thing I can think to add would be: Go ahead and expose to the girlfriend, she may be able to give you some insight. Would be nice if she could tell you his parents contact info.

What does the OM do for a living? I would plan on confronting him face to face after your exposure and telling him the affair is over. Take a couple of big friends with you. He should hear from you every time he attempts contact.

And lastly, once this goes down I would demand that she end contact. Tell her this will lead to divorce otherwise. I would paint a very ugly picture of her future if this goes to divorce. For example, in many states you can file on grounds of adultery and it is taken into account in the settlement.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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As far as taking command, MB suggests using the policy of joint decisions to learn to negotiate win/win solutions.. That means that neither of you capitulate to the other. That is the best way to create a happy marriage. For me, I don't want a husband who capitulates or allows me to disrespect him. While your wife will be angry about your exposure, she will greatly respect you for standing up for your marriage.

Probably the best Harley book you could get would be Surviving an Affair. Have you seen that yet?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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P.s. the reason for the suggestion to paint a very ugly picture of divorce is because she has fantasized of replacing you with the OM with ease. This will burst her bubble.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Great job king on the Plan. Let us know when you get ready to drop the exposure bomb.

How did your WW meet OM? Was he an old high school friend and they reconnected on Facebook?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Quote
And that is that I was not being assertive enough and in charge, but rather too accommodating and giving choices too often. My sister confirmed it as well. Many women want a man who takes charge and is decisive and even commanding at times. It makes them feel safe. Does that sound right?

Don't know about being "commanding", that may overstate things a bit, but the rest of this is spot on.

My new wife is a strong personality and likes to take charge, be in control, and call the shots. I have a more laid back, go with the flow personality, so I am mostly content to sit back and let her lead. She has to do this at work as well as household decisions. But, she also wearies of it at times. She has expressed this to me many times and praises me greatly when I take the lead in some activity or endeavor.

Like you already have done, a night out where you just say "put on some makeup and grab your coat", without her having to make the decision of where to dine, what to do afterwards, etc. is such a refreshing change. Do the same with some household decisions, finance, etc.

That is not to say to do these things without regard to her input, but the flip side is to put all the pressure and responsibility of making decisions (from mundane to major life decisions) on her, which can build a ton of resentment.

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kinglui Offline OP
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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Probably the best Harley book you could get would be Surviving an Affair. Have you seen that yet?

I will order that book today and have it shipped to my work. When I ordered the other books, I didn't think I needed one like that, and once I discovered the problem I was so consumed with finding out what was going on. Thanks for bringing it up Melody! smile


Me: BH
Married: 2000
Children: 2 (2006, 2009)
WW (3 occurrences, 2004, 2012, 2013, discovered Jan 2013)
Exposure: 3/08/2013
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kinglui Offline OP
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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
P.s. the reason for the suggestion to paint a very ugly picture of divorce is because she has fantasized of replacing you with the OM with ease. This will burst her bubble.

I will do my best. My sister who gets along with my WW somewhat, and who was gone through a divorce with a very self-centered and cheating husband, has volunteered to help in this endeavor. She also was helping me the first time.


Me: BH
Married: 2000
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Ask her where she will work and live if this goes to divorce? Will the OM support her? Tell her you will be going for possession of the house and primary custody of the children since she is a serial cheater.

Oh, and be sure and tell her if this happens, that you won't be her "friend." This is every wayward wife's fantasy, to remain "friends" with the cuckolded spouse so she won't feel so guilty for destroying her children's family.

Lay it on thick! grin


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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kinglui Offline OP
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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Let us know when you get ready to drop the exposure bomb.

How did your WW meet OM? Was he an old high school friend and they reconnected on Facebook?

I have to say that dropping the exposure bomb really scares me, but I am more and more certain that I have to do it and do it soon. I am nervous about exposing to some friends as our kids go to the same school.

OM is not likely an old friend as all WW's old friends are in her home country or in other states. It is possible though that an old friend moved near us recently. Most likely, though, is that my WW met OM either through an exercise class she is attending or during a girls night out. The first phone communications occurred on an exercise night. It was just before Christmas, so there was a lot going on and I don't think they saw each other until the night I discovered it in January 14. The reason is that my WW is horrible with directions, so every new place she goes she has to enter in the car GPS. I reviewed the addresses and only found the destination logged once in the history. The second encounter was also logged in the GPS. However, she may have lied about girls night and gone out with him.


Me: BH
Married: 2000
Children: 2 (2006, 2009)
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Exposure: 3/08/2013
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Does OM work at the place where she had the exercise class? And what is at the address in the GPS?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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kinglui Offline OP
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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Ask her where she will work and live if this goes to divorce? Will the OM support her?

My church's pastor said a similar thing.

I definitely want to get her kicked out of the family house and away from the kids if she does not want to cooperate and work on repairing our family.

I still love her and want our family to be whole, but I will not live in a loveless marriage on her part! If she does move out, can you please comment:
I have seen posts (not sure on MB or other site) that say it is critical to maintain regular contact for a while with WW to prevent easily forgetting about what she is giving up.

I will follow your other suggestions too. Thanks.

Last edited by kinglui; 01/31/13 12:36 PM.

Me: BH
Married: 2000
Children: 2 (2006, 2009)
WW (3 occurrences, 2004, 2012, 2013, discovered Jan 2013)
Exposure: 3/08/2013
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kinglui Offline OP
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Two days ago I found an old apology letter that she wrote me after the first affair and car accident. It made my cry. Would it be a good idea to leave a copy somewhere in the house for her to discover? and remember?


Me: BH
Married: 2000
Children: 2 (2006, 2009)
WW (3 occurrences, 2004, 2012, 2013, discovered Jan 2013)
Exposure: 3/08/2013
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kinglui Offline OP
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Unfortunately, I have been unable to discover where OM currently lives other than a small city nearby and a possible PO Box and previous addresses. Have tried calling people that live at those addresses to no avail. It may be that an ex-wife and kids live at one of them (based on collaborating information on Spokeo people searches). Same thing for his work, although did find out that he was a truck driver at previous job.

Last edited by kinglui; 01/31/13 12:50 PM.

Me: BH
Married: 2000
Children: 2 (2006, 2009)
WW (3 occurrences, 2004, 2012, 2013, discovered Jan 2013)
Exposure: 3/08/2013
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