"Do you think his change is for real? The other night I told him that I'm not sharing him and he told me that it is over with her and that he hasn't even seen her since before Christmas. "

This is a lie, by the way. He was with her when he was gone.

In Dr H's book when you are in recovery he states that every time you talk about the affair that it takes withdrawals out of the love bank.

You are taking this advice out of the context for which it was written. Talking about the A is counterproductive after NC is established, the MB Plan is being followed, and recovery is in progress.

On that scorecard, "Officer Donut" is 0 for 3!

It takes less than forty-five minutes to write out the NC letter frrom the models here. Throw him out until he delivers it. Or, contact your lawyer, your choice!

Courageous

I'm am afraid you are being haslighted big time, there is no reason for him to refuse or drag out writing an NC letter if the A is truly over.

He tried throwing a strop you ignored it so he is trying to get his way by playing the Mr nice guy card.

Please do not back down on NC letter and do not stop trying to contact the BH or getting the evidence to him. Unless the BH himself contacts you to say he does not wish to be approached by you, you are not legally doing anything wrong so any threats of a RO are useless and just an attempt by the OW to scare you.

False recovery is painful and can be just as damaging as an A. if you do this right the first time you will save yourself some serious pain and suffering.

You are a very strong lady and I admire how hard you fought for your marriage at the start of this thread please don't stop now.

Good luck

Courageous. The only thing that has changed is that your WH has learned that if he he sweet talks you then you will back off on your conditions. Then he can continue to see OW everyday at work and remain in his fantasy cake eating world.

I'm sorry courageous...my FWH did the same thing and it is even more heartbreaking to discover that they are STILL lying to you despite having seen the pain they already caused you.

It's an addiction. Don't back down on your conditions.

I agree with the others. Please stay strong with your conditions. The NC letter is not negotiable.

Please read this.
Please Explain Gaslighting 2482787#Post2482

Courageous,

You did a great job of exposing to his friends, family, and work. And you stood up to the POSOW and to your cheating husband. Good job!

You did a great job of also setting conditions for his return.

He has not met those conditions, so you must muster the same resolve as you did when you exposed.

Let him know immediately that he is not taking you seriously and that he must leave. He has had time to follow through. Give him 24 hours to comply. Be firm and resolute on your conditions.

If he leaves, you can either stay in plan a or you can go to plan b. It doesn't mean its over, but it does show that you mean what you say and you say what you mean. He needs to know that the limits you set are real. If they are not, he will tread all over them and this will go on and on.

I concur!

Courageous, please do not snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. You are SO CLOSE. You just have to close the deal. He either complies or he moves out. And THEN you go into a dark Plan B.

Listen to the people on here. The path to recovery in narrow. Follow the procedures. These people are trying to help you but you have to listen and act.

Courageous, please do not snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

C's last post was 24 January. I'm getting a bad feeling.....

I hope she is not another BS who fell for a sweet-talking- gas-lighting-cake eating wayward's lies

As do I. never had a FR but I can bet its very hurtful

The evening of my last post I talked to my WH again and told him that I have to have the no contact letter. He refused because there is no need because they aren't allowed to work together anymore anyway and she's already super pissed at him and myself for the workplace exposure so he said he's sure that she doesn't want anything to do with him and that's it over. He said that he doesn't want her to get "fired up" again because he's afraid how she'll react since last time she sent me threatening texts etc. I so don't believe him and what about how it hurts me. Where is the remorse? This just hurts so bad. I told him I still wanted the letter and he refused. I understand and believe that I am in a false recovery.

I finally did friends and family exposure on 01/9/13 and workplace exposure on 01/16/13. I see some signs that the fog may be lifting after exposure, but at the same time realize that for the fog to completely lift he has to have no contact and for him to change jobs. He told me two days ago that he has not heard a word from her and I can tell from his cell phone that there has not been contact since 1/13/13, but that doesn't mean she can't call him on his work line or see him at work. I don't think I can believe him.

I signed up for counseling with Steve Harley and he said that he is still in the fog and that he HAS to write the no contact letter. SH also said that WH and myself need to develop a goal for our marriage, educate ourselves together about marriage and infidelity and develope a plan together and then execute that plan. Part of educating my WH is for him to become informed about how important it is for my WH to cut all contact with OW. I talked to my WH last night and he is willing to look at this website to become informed. Do you think he may be starting to come out of the fog since the exposure and learn how important it is to cut all contact?

I have another counseling session with SH tomorrow. I can't leave the home right now and go into Plan B because my CPA business is run from our home and it is very, very stressful for me in my business right now because it's tax season not to mention the pain and stress from the infidelity.

As far as contact with the other BS. I have made three attempts to contact him and haven't been successful because he is being gaslighted by the OW and he thinks I'm crazy. The first attempt I did talk to him and told him about the affair, but I don't think he believes me because she is telling him I'm crazy. Also they have already told me to stop contact. I contacted an attorney and since they have told me to stop contact I cannot pursue because I could get charged with misdemeanor harassment. As a CPA I am held to a higher standard and my pursuing the other BS leads credibility into the "crazy" person defense that they may have. I can't risk my CPA career because I have to have it if it ends in divorce.

I will work on this again tonight with my WH and work on the no contact letter and talk to SH again in the morning.

Why not send your evidence to the OWH in a certified mail package? That should take care of that!

I am glad to hear you are coaching with Steve Harley! There is not much hope here if he won't leave the job so maybe Steve can get through to him.

I would insist on the NC letter, Courageous. Him not doing it is showing you that he is still putting OW before you and is very likely still in the affair. Be firm on that. Be prepared to tell WH that if he insists on allowing a third person in the marriage, then you insist that he leaves.

Mail the evidence to OWH like MelodyLane suggested.

I've thought about sending the package certified mail. Would that still be considered contact, legally speaking? Maybe I'll contact my attorney.

The night that I talked to my husband on 1/24/13 I started talking about the extraordinary precautions that have to be in place and also about the need for a no contact letter. When I talked to Steve he said that from my WH's point of view this is just a list of do's and dont's and he will perceive this as punishment. Steve has helped me with the correct wording when I talk to my WH so it won't seem like a list of demands. What do you think of Steve's plan so far? So far my WH hasn't responded so well to threats, but also I know that's what it might take. I'm so torn. I'm going to keep counseling with Steve and heed his advice. Your thoughts?

I will keep insisting on the NC letter.

That's exactly what Steve Harley said "he is still putting OW before you".

I'm thinking that my assumption that he's coming out of the fog during the last week is wrong and that this is still just false recovery. I'm right, huh?

There is nothing stopping you from you from contacting him, though. All you have to do is mail the evidence. Your attorney will tell you not to do it because their approach is to avoid all conflict at any cost. He doesnt care, obviously, if you save your marriage.

Not getting the proper evidence to the OWH is a huge miss that only enables the affair. You don't need to consult an attorney to send him the evidence.

I would not let up until you finish this exposure. This exposure is the MOST IMPORTANT exposure of all. Your H is free to continue contact with OW as long as he doesn't know.

Yes. He should not be that concerned about OW's reaction. This is a red flag!

As long as he continues to see the OW at work every day, his fog will persist and you are facing an on again, off again affair. They can see each other at any time.