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Hi Indiegirl, it appears Artist-man has been the initiator of exclusivity and you are willing to go along but aren't as serious about exclusivity as he his. As long as he is aware of the difference, I think it's ok to be flirty with OS friends. But if he believes you are as serious about exclusivity as he his, then he is at a disadvantage, and you should probably correct his misperception of your relationship.
Even though it was his idea that you could resume 30 dates whenever you feel like it, I bet he would be quite disappointed if you did. It sounds as if you are in the driver's seat in your relationship with Artist-man. Whether that's good or not is a personal opinion I suppose, but someone in your position has the potential to hurt the other one's feelings. You seem considerate enough to not want to do that on purpose. I'm simply pointing out a possible relationship dynamic because sometimes it's easier to see from the outside.
Putting myself in Artist-man's shoes, if I was attracted to you and wanted exclusivity, I would be willing to enter into an unbalanced form of exclusivity just to keep in touch with you, even if it didn't appear to be healthy for me. If you're as unique to him as you seem to be, then if I were him, I would be willing to bury my Taker for a while and let my Giver take over and hope for the best; and this could happen subconsciously without even understanding the Giver/Taker concept. I'm sure you know the dangers if that pattern gets established early on in a relationship.
Even if YOU are being O&H, he may not be O&H with his own feelings (either consciously or subsconsciously), not wanting to do or say anything that could push you away.
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AGG, aren't you married now? Yup, quite happily  . That's why I didn't quite understand the suggestions above. AGG
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If I was artist man and the woman I was dating kept talking about 30 dates I would go outside and bang my head on the brick wall instead of keep listening to her talk about it.
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I hope not. I wanted to come in and commend you for bringing this issue to the board and discussing it as openly and for as long as you have. In the end, you are divorced and you can date whomever you want however you want. You don't need our permission for anything. There isn't a WRONG answer here....just perhaps smarter more cautious choices and CHOOSING to post and get input from others was one of those very smart choices that you made. From a Vet who deserves respect..See Indie your thread is awesome subject matter
Last edited by ConstantProcess; 01/31/13 04:28 PM.
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Dating is brutal. It's rife with rejection, hurt feelings and arbitrary rules. Yes, I had a short two-month stint with it and needed a break! This reminded me that I wanted to post a response Dr Harley had to a single woman on the private forum. Be sure to read my response to your 12-3-12 post. A successful and permanent romantic relationship requires many conditions to be met by both partners that are often idiosyncratic to each partner. In other words, finding someone that fits your exact comfort zone romantically can be quite a challenge. But friendships of the opposite sex don't have quite the same restrictions. I'd encourage you to have lots of friendships and enjoy being single. To a great extent, friendships of the opposite sex not only prepare you for a romantic relationship (they often freely discuss characteristics they are looking for in a romantic partner), but the best partners will usually come from that group.
Dating does a number on anyone's self-confidence, because it is mostly rejection -- either you reject the other partner, or that person rejects you. Either way, you feel that there must be something wrong with you. In the relationships you have had over the years, the primary issue has usually been that your partner won't follow the POJA. He turns out to be inconsiderate. That's not your problem, it's his. Until you find someone willing to be considerate, you're much better off single and still available than being married to someone who is thoughtless. What is true about our changing culture is that it is creating fewer thoughtful people, which makes the pool of eligible marriage partners smaller. That's why over half of all adults are single today.
Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr.
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This is the 12-3 post he references and I think it's relevant to this thread and could be useful for those dating  Many single women I've counseled have agreed with my analysis that they tend to enter relationships with the hope of changing the man, only to find that they've been wasting their time. But they don't want to be single for the rest of their lives, so what other choice do they have. My advice has usually been they develop non-romantic friendships with single men because that's where most good romantic relationships begin. To begin with a romantic relationship puts the cart before the horse. As it turns out, it's much easier to develop a romantic relationship with someone who has been a good friend than to develop a good friendship with someone who has only been a romantic partner.
Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr.
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A lightbulb just went off and I can see what AGG means. He is thinking she is flirting IN FRONT OF MRExclusive. And in that case, I would dump my date because I consider that so disrespectful to me. However, I think we can safely assume that indiegirl does not do that in his presence. indiegirl, come back!!! Don't leave mad..  Even w/o literally "seeing" your dating partner flirt in front of you (which I agree would be disrespectful) just knowing your partner may be doing that...kind of is turn off and tends to leave a bad taste in the mouth when in an "exclusive" relationship. I agree with AGG that exclusive means "no other" in every way. Which then raises the question of what is considered "committed?" Exclusive obviously mean different things to different people. I would imagine committed does to. Indie, what happened to your love of debate?  If your thread sparks that...that's a good thing. It's a learning experience for all even if we all don't agree.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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IMO, "exclusivity" is fake marriage and for the most part, unnecessary until engaged. Indie, I am sorry you are feeling beat up and wanting to leave the thread. At least for me, being exclusive and committed are interchangeable terms -- so it's hard for me to wrap my head around having one without the other. Again, just given how gung-ho you were about the 30 dates, it's just hard to reconcile it with your explanations and I think many of us are worried about you, that's all.... Don't stop posting
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Hi Indiegirl, it appears Artist-man has been the initiator of exclusivity and you are willing to go along but aren't as serious about exclusivity as he his. As long as he is aware of the difference, I think it's ok to be flirty with OS friends. But if he believes you are as serious about exclusivity as he his, then he is at a disadvantage, and you should probably correct his misperception of your relationship.
Even though it was his idea that you could resume 30 dates whenever you feel like it, I bet he would be quite disappointed if you did. It sounds as if you are in the driver's seat in your relationship with Artist-man. Whether that's good or not is a personal opinion I suppose, but someone in your position has the potential to hurt the other one's feelings. You seem considerate enough to not want to do that on purpose. I'm simply pointing out a possible relationship dynamic because sometimes it's easier to see from the outside.
Putting myself in Artist-man's shoes, if I was attracted to you and wanted exclusivity, I would be willing to enter into an unbalanced form of exclusivity just to keep in touch with you, even if it didn't appear to be healthy for me. If you're as unique to him as you seem to be, then if I were him, I would be willing to bury my Taker for a while and let my Giver take over and hope for the best; and this could happen subconsciously without even understanding the Giver/Taker concept. I'm sure you know the dangers if that pattern gets established early on in a relationship.
Even if YOU are being O&H, he may not be O&H with his own feelings (either consciously or subconsciously), not wanting to do or say anything that could push you away. I agree Of course this is all from a dating perspective, and you should be friends first, and friends make deals to keep friendships.. It takes time to invest enough in someone until you let down the guard we all have up. It takes time that we think we don't have but really do when it comes down to reality. I am sure you will do fine in the long run Indie
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At least for me, being exclusive and committed are interchangeable terms -- so it's hard for me to wrap my head around having one without the other. Same here Again, just given how gung-ho you were about the 30 dates, it's just hard to reconcile it with your explanations and I think many of us are worried about you, that's all. Yep
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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[
Which then raises the question of what is considered "committed?" Exclusive obviously mean different things to different people. I would imagine committed does to. Committed means that the competition is over and she is either engaged or married. It is not over, though. She is still interviewing even though she has agreed to date this guy exclusively. Committed is completely different from "exclusive" IMO. She can date one guy exclusively, but she is not committed to him in any sense. She is only committed to date him exclusively for a short while. I wish I had known all this when I "dated" after my last marriage. I have only dated 4-5 guys in my life and I married 3 of them! I married current husband 6 months after my divorce was final. He was the only guy I dated. On the other hand, we have a great marriage NOW so it all worked out in the end.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[
Which then raises the question of what is considered "committed?" Exclusive obviously mean different things to different people. I would imagine committed does to. Committed means that the competition is over and she is either engaged or married. It is not over, though. She is still interviewing even though she has agreed to date this guy exclusively. Committed is completely different from "exclusive" IMO. She can date one guy exclusively, but she is not committed to him in any sense. She is only committed to date him exclusively for a short while. On the other hand, we have a great marriage NOW so it all worked out in the end. This is how I was seeing it as well.
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indiegirl, please come back!!! Your thread has been just wonderful. It is great guidance for other single people. I am not above begging either!! 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Hahahaha.
I love you all. I'm on a date with artistman right now, so I will catch you later..
Its going VERY well!
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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She is still interviewing even though she has agreed to date this guy exclusively. And this is the part that I find difficult to reconcile. She is still interviewing, yes, but if they are exclusive I would think that she would not be interviewing others, because that is contradictory with exclusive. I view exclusive as "I put all my eggs in this basket, let's see if this leads to anything". Not "I've put all my eggs in this basket, let's see if this leads to anything or if a nicer basket comes along". But anyway, if indie's threatened departure is because of my questioning of her approach, I'll be happy to stay off her thread, so that she can continue. Just say the word, I don't need to be asked twice . AGG
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I think people can be committed to one another w/o engagement or marriage. Committed by definition means entrusted. Exclusive still means one. But anyway.... Just stay away from the committed but non-exclusive aka swingers and waywards lol.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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She is still interviewing even though she has agreed to date this guy exclusively. And this is the part that I find difficult to reconcile. She is still interviewing, yes, but if they are exclusive I would think that she would not be interviewing others, because that is contradictory with exclusive. I view exclusive as "I put all my eggs in this basket, let's see if this leads to anything". Not "I've put all my eggs in this basket, let's see if this leads to anything or if a nicer basket comes along". See, I view her agreement as ONLY: exclusive dating temporarily. She has not made any committments to him and therefore, the interview process is still open. She hasn't put all her eggs in that basket, in other words.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I think people can be committed to one another w/o engagement or marriage. Committed by definition means entrusted. Exclusive still means one. But anyway.... See, that is where we part company, because a person is not committed until they get married. That would be like driving around somebody's car and claiming to be "committed" but never signing the paper work to buy the car. IF they aren't married, the person is morally and legally entitled to just move on when the spirit moves them. If it is not a legal marriage, the term "committed" is just talk.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Hahahaha.
I love you all. I'm on a date with artistman right now, so I will catch you later..
Its going VERY well! Tell him to keep his mitts off the merchandise!!! 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Hahahaha.
I love you all. I'm on a date with artistman right now, so I will catch you later..
Its going VERY well! Tell him to keep his mitts off the merchandise!!! And vice versa!
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