On 1/20/13 and 01/24/13 I told my husband that I needed three things or there would be a divorce or separation

1. A NC letter to OW
2. Change in jobs since it's a workplace affair
3. Marriage counseling

He has refused all three and has only shown remorse a few times. Tonight I asked for those three things again and he refused again so I told him a divorce was in order and we started to fill out paperwork to get the divorce proceedings going. I told him he would be hearing from my attorney and told him how things would end up that I would get 50% and that he may even end up paying me alimony since I am the lower income maker. While we started working on the divorce papers I told him several times that I loved him and that I would still like to work on the marriage, but I need those three things. He said it's too late and he still wasn't going to give me those things. That's the fog talking right? Or maybe it really is over? If it is over then I guess it's better that I get out now instead of him not complying with my terms and he cheats again a few years from now. I have to stay tough on my terms.

Also, there have been two separate contacts on 12/20/13 and 01/12/13 after he said that contact had stopped.

I discovered the 18 month workplace EA turned PA on 11/13/12. I have suspected the affair for several years. After I picked my self up after being destroyed by this thing I finally got the courage to do nuclear friend and family exposure on 1/9/13 and workplace exposure on 1/16/13. He says there is no more contact because their workplace won't let them work together anymore, but he refuses to write the NC letter because he doesn't want to get her fired up. Blah, Blah, Blah. He is so deep in the fog I just can't take it anymore.

My CPA practice is on our home property and I was planning on staying in the house until after tax season, but he won't leave the property. I know I need to go into Plan B with total darkness. I can move my business into my father's house. I probably should go into complete darkness ASAP so he will see what a divorce will be like.

Has anyone else been in my situation and can give advice?

That's the fog talking.

Plan B, totally dark, sounds like a great idea, but be sure that you implement it with precautions in place. You want to make sure that all holes are plugged and he can't get through

What do you mean "be sure that you implement it with precautions in place"?

Do you mean that I have the intermediary in place, etc. He will know where I go since I'll be living at my dad's house.

It's probably not a good idea to stay living in the house because I need to do a dark Plan B, right?

Will this get him out of the fog? Anyone with experience in this area?

Yes -- have the IM in place, autoforward all his email into a junk folder if he keeps emailing you, don't answer your phone if it's him (if possible get a new number so he has no choice but to call the IM...etc. The vets will have better suggestions)

The purpose of Plan B is to protect YOU, Courageous, and any remaining love you have for your WH. Have you read about Plan B on the site here?

I won't advise as I have no Plan B experience. Others will...

(((((Courageous)))))

Did I make a mistake by enforcing and staying firm on my terms? He has to know I'm serious, right? This is so scary, but what kind of marriage will I have if he won't do the NC letter, leave his job and get marriage counseling.

Can you believe tonight that he said that "I need counseling". I already had several counseling sessions.

Yes, I have read up on Plan B and do have the book "Surviving an Affair".

I just hope I didn't make a mistake. I am losing my love for him pretty darn quick and yes my health is suffering. I've been in Plan A for over two months now.

The purpose of Plan B is ONLY to protect you from his abuse, it is not intended to save a marriage. He is still in an active affair and goes to see her every day at work. If he won't take the necessary steps for recovery, this is hopeless. Your husband is not serious in any, way, shape or form. He still believes he can have both you and the OW.

Did you send the evidence to the OWH?

Also, I would strongly suggest you visit an attorney and keep all your legal dealings with him. Ask that attorney to get your husband moved out since your business is right there.

But yes, you do have to be physically separated before you go into Plan B.

You did the right thing. You don't have a marriage otherwise. And he won't take you seriously unless you are serious. Being firm about your conditions is a must. You did good!


You need counseling ..............for WHAT? Sticking up for yourself?

I am mailing the evidence to OWH tomorrow.

I have already talked to two divorce attorneys and placed a call today to engage one of the attorneys to file the divorce papers.

I was planning on moving in with my elderly father, but my WH will probably know that's where I will be. Should I try to go somewhere else so he doesn't know where I'll be going?

ML, thanks for all of your wonderful support. I so totally need that right now as this is the scariest thing I've ever done.

He is not used to me being firm and sticking up for myself so he is in unfamiliar territory.

Have you seen many marriages recover after going into Plan B? I have seen other people post that my WH didn't get out of the fog and return until I served divorce papers and went into Plan B.

Good deal!


Can you file on grounds in your state?


Thats just fine if he knows. As long as you don't allow him to contact you. It will be up to you to keep him out. Did you read the thread on how to do Plan B? My suggestion would be to get moved out [or get him out], get situated, and then go into Plan B. But like you pointed out, you have already been in Plan A for 2 months and Dr Harley only recommends 3 to 4 weeks before women start experiencing severe emotional and physical symptoms. And it comes on FAST, so you are doing the right thing in getting into Plan B before this gets real bad.

IT would be much better if you could get him to move out, though. Can you think of a way to do that?

No I can't file on grounds in my state, but I do have an awesome "pit bull" type of divorce attorney so maybe she can fight for me.

Yes, I agree that it's a good thing for me to get out because it's tax season for my CPA business and I already have enough stress as it is. I need to get away from this extra stress. Since you said that the severe emotional and physical problems come on fast it is good that I get this done.

My WH is in law enforcement and tonight refused to leave the house. He is very familiar with his rights, but I will ask my attorney tomorrow if she has any way in which to get him removed since my business is here. He will probably state that I have to pay all the mortgage and home expenses until the divorce is final which I wouldn't be able to afford. My business hasn't been making tons of money lately because it's been so hard to work since my life has been total chaos lately.

You suggested getting moved out and then going into Plan B. I always thought it had to be done simultaneously so this is helping me alot. It will be a big job to move my business to my father's house so this helps also. I will read up again on Plan B. If I recall the Plan B has to happen without the WH expecting it at all. It should come as a total shock.

As far as the intermediary (IM). I read on this site somewhere that it's best that that IM not be a family member. Is there anything to that? Your thoughts?

Also, once in Plan B I totally understand that I can't have ANY contact with him whatsoever, everything has to go through the IM or my attorney.

Did I make a mistake by enforcing and staying firm on my terms?

Absolutely not! That is EXACTLY THE POINT! If your "terms" are not irreducible, then what are they, talking points?

All you are asking him to do is reject his adulterous life-choices and return to the exclusivity of the marital union. Hello? Didn't he already kinda make that commitment to you, years ago, in front of witnesses, in a church someplace?

As you discuss with your lawyer (and too bad you are through "chatting" with Officer Donut, to remind him) remember also that you WILL be pursuing 50% of his pension credits earned to date. Given the usual expectations of LEPs in that arena, this ought to make him want to !

yah!!


And he would still have to pay the bills if he did move out.


See, going into Plan B involves giving him a Plan B letter saying you will have no contact with him. If you are still there, he will be able to contact you. So its better to get moved out or get him out, get situated and THEN give him the Plan B letter and go dark.


Exactly!


It is not ideal but if you don't have anyone else, it can work. You need someone who will agree to hold a NEUTRAL stance with the WS and only pass on pertinent information about finances to you. Nothing else should get through.


Exactly.

He actually said tonight that I was psychotic. We were talking calmly. Comments like that sure drain my love bank. I so need out of here.

Of course when I first discovered the affair I was very angry and threw things out the front door and we got a bit physical a couple times where I tore his shirt, but what does he expect for me to NOT get angry right after I discover the affair. He can't see any of my pain. He has hardly any remorse. It hurts so very bad

I am so sorry, friend... {{{{{{{{{{{{{Courageous}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

This doesn't mean it is over, just that he is not ready yet. I am hopeful that getting that evidence to the OWH will have an impact on his affair.

Do you have a VAR? Since he's in law enforcement and knows the laws be careful. He can try and turn things on you and say you need to be locked up. Have a VAR on you to protect yourself from false allegations.