Listen to Brainy about the VAR. Trust me on this.

What is a VAR?

Voice Activated Recorder

Tonight I told him how everything would be split up including his 401(K) (he doesn't really get a pension). I told him that he would have to refinance the house to be able to pay me off and that there is a good chance that he may have to pay me alimony since my business hasn't been doing so well lately (according to my attorney).

I will get a VAR tomorrow. I know that WH uses one all the time for work so I'll get mine too.

I have already been documenting conversations and dates we have had for months as a paper trail. Voice recordings will just be another layer of proof.

Yes, here.
VAR

Put no stock in anything he says. He is in the fog, replaced by an alien. I know, easier said than done... Sounds like he is trying to bait you.

And you're right, he has no remorse, right now. I know how awfully this hurts. File it in a different compartment in your brain. You can put it all into the"Ridiculous things Waywards Say" thread later. (Maybe you will win the prize with his idioctic blathering.... kidding...) It's therapeutic. As much as you can, for now, keep unemotional, disengaged. Focus on the tasks Mel has outlined.

You can do this.

Absolutely! There are no guarantees, of course, but it is always a possibility. And the beauty of Plan B is that if he doesn't get on board, you will be so detached at that point that you will have the calm judgement to move to divorce if you have to.

You will feel better in about 2 weeks on Plan B than you have felt in months. It won't be easy the first 2 weeks, but after that, you can expect a sense of peace.

Thanks for reminding me that this is alien language with the fog. Where is the husband I once knew. He can be so cruel.

I appreciate the advice to keep unemotional and disengaged. This is the only thing that will save me.

Yes, you're right! I can do this.

Thanks everyone! I couldn't do it without you.

Thanks for the reassurance. I'm looking forward to that peace after two weeks.

I will warn you that your husband will go crazy when you go dark. He won't like losing control of you and will try anything to get through to you. If that fails, he might have an attorney threaten you about no contact. This is what typically happens and you have to be prepared to cut off any potential path. For example, set up your email to bounce his emails to your IM. Screen your calls, don't listen to any voicemails and delete any text messages.

I would thinking about ways he might try to get through and taking a pro-active approach to blocking him.

This is so scary! I'm terrified! I felt the same way about both nuclear family/friend and workplace exposure, but it turned out that he came back.

Some of my family thinks I was too harsh on WH with the nuclear exposure, but darn it they don't have to go through this tremendous pain that is almost unbearable.

I keep thinking that I'm making a mistake by going into Plan B in a week and filing either divorce or separation papers. Here are my reasons.

He has never actually said the words "I'm sorry" buy did so very nicely in a card that seemed very remorseful. He said once that it wasn't my fault and that he screwed up. He has not acted remorseful since then.

He refuses to change jobs.

He refuses to do no contact letter after several requests. He says letter is not needed because it's over and that they are banned from working together after my workplace exposure. Also he doesn't want to get her all fired up, blah blah blah.

He refuses to go to counseling even though he says he wants to work on the marriage.

I've caught him in numerous lies since DD.

He says he will never give me details of the affair even though I tell him I need it to heal.

He has broken no contact pledge twice since discovery on 11/13/12.

I've done a fairly good Plan A but I just can't take the pain anymore. Help please, is it going to be ok?

I need advice on how to get through each day. I have tremendous work stress right now and it's very very hard to concentrate on work.

I have no experience with Plan B, but I have read many threads about it, and see the result on the betrayed spouse, now removed from the toxic environment of an unrepentant adulterous spouse. You will, within a few weeks, find peace within Plan B, but only if you stay dark.

Are you on ADs? If not, please strongly consider seeing your doctor and getting some help through this very traumatic time in your life.

Yes, this is scary and painful, but what is scarier and even MORE painful is taking back an unrepentant spouse, living with a unrecovered marriage, possibly experiencing this again. That is MUCH worse. You will suffer the least by going into Plan B.

In the meanwhile, what to do in your everyday walk of life? Start by getting some exercise, eat right, have a few really good friends. Take up a hobby that you will enjoy.

If you are having trouble concentrating on your business this year, perhaps you can consider taking on help, maybe an intern who will work for less pay in exchange for job knowledge.

Don't listen to people who believe you were "harsh" in exposing your husband's adultery. Good grief! These people don't have experience with affairs, do they? Have they helped thousands of couples find their way to peace, either within their marriage or on their own? NO! So don't listen to them! They know NOTHING about recovering from an affair.

He is not remorseful. He does not see your pain. (Nor does your family who says you are overreacting... They don't know MB...) WH is deep in the fog.
Forget about the card he gave you. I have a collection of 20 from my WH, during FR, all expressing his love for me. Painful now. Mostly, they were to throw me off the scent...

NC letter absolutely IS required. Taffy gave me the exact same bull chit excuses.

New job absolutely IS required. He cannot get out of he fog until he's outta there...

Plan B will bring you the peace and clarity you need now.

Breathe.

You can do this.

If he moves out and you stay in the house, you will have to pay all of the bills associated with the house. (I know this from personal experience.) However, since he earns more than you, he will be obligated to pay spousal support. That should enable you to pay the bills.

I think it just depends on a lot of factors. She needs to see an attorney. When I separated from my now xh he was ordered to pay half the mortgage in addition to cs.

Either way, whatever happens legally, you need relief from his cruelty. I know it is terrifying but as others have said you will feel better within a few weeks if you can get away from him.

I keep thinking that I'm making a mistake by going into Plan B in a week and filing either divorce or separation papers. Here are my reasons.

Well, friend, you do a fine job of making the argument I was about to make. (The green are things that are hopeful; the red, not so much.)

He has never actually said the words "I'm sorry" but did so very nicely in a card that seemed very remorseful. He said once that it wasn't my fault and that he screwed up. He has not acted remorseful since then.

He refuses to change jobs.

He refuses to do no contact letter after several requests. He says letter is not needed because it's over and that they are banned from working together after my workplace exposure. Also he doesn't want to get her all fired up, blah blah blah.

He refuses to go to counseling even though he says he wants to work on the marriage.

I've caught him in numerous lies since DD.

He says he will never give me details of the affair even though I tell him I need it to heal.

He has broken no contact pledge twice since discovery on 11/13/12.

But your key concern you saved for the end, and this I can comment on.

Help please, is it going to be ok?

Kiddo, is it in any way "OK" now?

It helped me to make to-do lists. I scheduled breakfast, lunch, dinner, household tasks, work tasks, reading and other recreational activities. I even scheduled brushing my teeth and bathing.

Also follow the plan B advice. I didn't to the letter because I thought my WH was so hardened and calloused that he wouldn't try to contact me. I was wrong.


Take care of yourself. It really does get better when you're away from the madness.