I have been a long time reader of this site and must admit that advice given to all the people really helped me a lot.

I thought that today I will share with you something that I received from a friend which says a lot.

Interesting quote from the movie "Why did I get married?"

In most cases, especially in relationships, you will only get 80% of
what you NEED and you will hardly get the other 20% that you WANT in
your relationship. There is always another person (man or women) that
you will meet and that will offer you the other 20% which is lacking
in your relationship that you WANT

And believe me, 20% looks really good when you are not getting it at
all in your current relationship.

But the problem is that you will always be tempted to leave that good
80% that you know you have, thinking that you will get something
better with the other 20% that you WANT

But as reality has proven, in most cases, you will always end up with
having the 20% that you WANT and loosing the 80% that you really NEED
and that you already had.

Be careful in deciding between what you WANT and NEED in your life.


Adultery happens when you start looking for what you don't have. "Wow,
this girl in my office is a real looker. But it's not her Wynona Rider
features that got me. I'm crazy about her because she's also
understanding, intelligent, tender - so many things that my spouse is
not"

Somewhere along the way, you'll find a woman or a man who will be more
charming or sensitive. More alluring. More thoughtful. Richer. Have
greater sex appeal. And you will find a woman or man who will need you
and pursue you and go loco over you more than your spouse ever did.

Because no wife or husband is perfect. Because a spouse will only have
80% of what you're looking for. So adultery takes place when a husband
or wife looks for the missing 20%. Let's say your wife is melancholic
by nature.

You may find yourself drawn to the pretty clerk who has a cherry laugh
no matter what she says: "I broke my arm yesterday, Hahahaha . . .."

Or because your wife is a homebody in slippers and pajamas, smelling
of garlic and fish oil, you may fall for a fresh-smelling young sales
representative that visits your office in a sharp black blazer, high
heels, and a red pencil-cut skirt Or because your husband is the quiet
type, your heart may skip a beat when you meet an old college flame
who has the makings of a talk show host.

But wait! That's only 20% of what you don't have.

Don't throw away the 80% that you already have!

That's not all. Add to your spouse's 80% the 100% that represents all
the years that you have been with each other. The storms you have
weathered together. The unforgettable moments of sadness and joy as a
couple. The many adjustments you have made to love the other. The
wealth of memories that you've accumulated as lovers.

Adultery happens when you start looking for what you don't have.

But faithfulness happens when you start thanking God for what you
already have.

But I'm not just talking about marriage.

I'm talking about life!

About your jobs.
About your friends.
About your children.
About your lifestyles.

Are you like the economy airline passenger that perennially peeks
through the door of the first class cabin, obsessed with what he's
missing? "They have got more leg room! Oh my, their food is served in
porcelain! Wow, their seats recline at an 80% angle and they've got
personal videos!"

I guarantee you'll be miserable for the entire trip! Don't live your
life like that. Forget about what the world says is first class. Do
you know that there are many first class passengers who are miserable
in first class -- because they are not riding in a private Lear Jet?

The main message???

If you start appreciating what you have right now, wherever you are,
you are first class!

** LINK ** to original

Lurkers .... come on in and drink the MB kool-aide

We don't bite ...... hard

Escaping the Jaws of Infidelity: How to Avoid an Affair

Letter #1

Introduction: Most of the letters I receive are from people whose spouses are having an affair. Affairs destroy families and the innocent spouses don't know how to respond to the unfolding tragedy they witness. But once in a while I receive a letter from someone who is about to have an affair, and wants help in how to avoid it. This week, I am printing their letters and my answers. Quite frankly, the only one who can avoid an affair is the one that is about to have one. While his or her spouse can make the job easier or more difficult, the spouse can't avoid it for them. So these letters from those who are tempted get to the heart of the issue, how to avoid an affair.

Dear Dr. Harley,

I have been married almost seven years to a wonderful man who treats me like a queen. I was pregnant when my husband and I got married, but I never experienced the passion for him that I know I can feel for a man. We now have four children and he has been a solid foundation for our relationship and our family. He has done whatever he can do to make me happy. I do not deserve him....

I am a very aggressive woman in my mid 30's, I love to party, dance and laugh. My husband, on the other hand is very passive and serious. He's just not much fun. The problem: I am gravitating towards an older man in his late 40's. A man with a tremendous zest for life, who too is married, and in the same business as myself. I have not had sex with this man, but I feel as though I am falling in love.

I am overwhelmed with guilt...I know that I am a horrible wife for feeling this way..PLEASE HELP!!

N.S.
Dear N.S.

The man you are attracted to is meeting one or more of your emotional needs much better than your husband does. From your description he seems to be meeting your needs for conversation and recreational companionship. You have such a good time when you're with him that his account in your Love Bank has reached the threshold that triggers the feeling of romantic love.

It's not uncommon to find a person that does a good job meeting our needs, but it's dangerous when our spouses are doing a bad job. At first, we simply find ourselves in love with this person. If we also love our spouses, we shake it off and move on. But if we are not in love with our spouses, like you, we feel confused as to why we don't have the same feeling toward our spouses. Then, in an effort to make sense of it all, we think we are being cheated by our spouses out of what's rightfully ours, a fulfilling life. We think, if our spouses can't do the job, we have the right to find someone else who can, and we should grab the opportunity while it exists. It may be a once-in-a-lifetime chance.

Many faced with this dilemma are not in your position, where your spouse has dedicated himself to your happiness. They find themselves married to spouses who have ignored them or even abused them. It's much easier to justify an affair under those conditions. But since your husband has tried very hard to give you the best he has, and you have four children who need you to stay together, your feelings of guilt are quite understandable.

Although your husband has put a great deal of effort into making you happy, he has missed the target, apparently right from the beginning. His efforts have been misdirected. He wants to meet your most important emotional needs, but has never learned how. It is not his lack of dedication or good intentions -- it is lack of knowledge. But he can learn to meet your needs as well as anyone, and you can be more in love with him than you've ever been. When that happens, your marriage will be secure.

You are on the brink of an affair, and once you jump in, you may not be able to get yourself out before you have done untold damage to your family. Sooner or later most affairs die out, but in their wake they leave unspeakable pain. Your husband would rather have his hand cut off than go through the agony of your unfaithfulness to him. It is the most cruel decision you could possibly make. Avoid that choice at all costs. Instead, dedicate yourself to training your husband to become the man you've always needed.

First, you should avoid seeing the man at work altogether, and it will mean quitting your job. You are already addicted to him, and your emotions will control your decisions whenever you see each other. It won't be long before you have thought through a justification of your behavior, and then there will be no stopping you. You will lose all perspective and ruin your marriage and family, to say nothing about intentionally hurting a man who cares a great deal for you. Six months after your affair has started you will be so up to your eyeballs in guilt you will be contemplating suicide. Get this man out of your life at all costs!

Then, you should try to come to grips with what it is this man does for you that you need so much you'd risk giving up everything to have it. After you identify what it is about the other man that you find so attractive, try to teach your husband to do whatever it is. I understand personality limitations -- your husband is more passive, while this man is more aggressive, like you. But you should be able to identify your needs, such as conversation and recreational companionship, that can be met regardless of the personality type of the person you are with. I have seen remarkable recoveries of couples just like you with seemingly incompatible personalities. It turned out that their personalities were not incompatible, it was their habits and activities that were incompatible. Once their lifestyle changed, their marriages were terrific.

Four children can do a lot to change your lifestyle and your ability to meet each other's needs. You and your husband should create more privacy in your marriage and set aside time to be alone so that you can meet each other's most important needs. Your husband should be your favorite recreational companion. To give him a fair chance to succeed, make him your ONLY recreational companion for a while. Train him in on the activities you enjoy the most.

My book, Fall In Love, Stay In Love, will teach you to achieve exactly what you need: Compatibility. Read it with your husband, and build the marriage both of you need.

In most cases, especially in relationships, you will only get 80% of
what you NEED and you will hardly get the other 20% that you WANT in
your relationship. There is always another person (man or women) that
you will meet and that will offer you the other 20% which is lacking
in your relationship that you WANT

And believe me, 20% looks really good when you are not getting it at
all in your current relationship.

The moral of the story should be: don't settle for 80%! There is no reason to settle when you can have 100%.

When a man and woman get married, they think their feelings of love will last a lifetime. The vows and commitments they make depend on that assumption. But their passion for each other is usually short-lived.

Some couples sustain it for just a few months or years after the wedding. For others, it's only days. And, when the passion goes, the commitments of marriage usually go with it.

But I believe that couples don't have to accept the loss of love as inevitable.

Instead, they can restore the love they once had for each other. And once it's back, all thoughts of divorce or passionless love vanish.

Impossible, you may say. And it may certainly seem that way. When you're in love, it seems impossible that you will ever lose that feeling; and when you are "out of love", it seems impossible to get it back.

Most couples I counsel don't believe they will ever feel that love for each other again.

But my methods for restoring passion do not require faith - they require action!

Sorry it has been awhile since I posted. Both Mr. XVY and I have been on here reading but it has been a very busy week.

Some amazing stuff has been going on this week. I don't even know where to begin. But unlike my normal lingering and talking too much self, I will keep it short and sweet.

Let me just say that Mr. XVY is giving us a shot, for real this time. He said that he would forever regret not giving his all to us one more time.

So up until 9/11/12 he has been holding back out of fear...justified fear...but fear. I think we both realized that O and H and POJA are absolutely necessary in our marriage for it to survive and we both feel really good about this.

Seeing Mr. XVY since he decided to, in his own words "move foward" is like night and day. He seems happy, loving, truly passionate. I know that we still have a LONG way to go and the roller coaster is still their but I think it clicked for both of us.

We need to move forward, clean slate, and use MB everyday in our marriage. We have been focusing on "true" UA time and just in the past couple of days have spent A LOT of quality time together.

Yesterday was the first day of our "New Beginning" which is ironic because it is exactly 10 months to the date of D-day.

He still says that he will probably not post on here, it is just not his thing but he has been on this site A LOT and I have caught him reading on here a number of times from his phone. Last night we read on here together.

For the first time we are truly being honest with each other and not being scared to tell each other how we feel. It is so strange but both of us were holding back for so long afraid what the other person would think or afraid that it would disrupt our marriage. Not realizing that actually holding back was destroying our marriage.

I just feel like a giant weight has been lifted off of both of us and we finally are on a road to a true happy marriage.


Thank you everyone and MB!!!! You will forever be my guide no matter what happens.

I am making this sound like a farewell post but it is quite the opposite. I am just so elated right now that I don't know what to say.


Well that is it for now.

Fifteen going on many more!!!!

I don't know if there's been an announcement about this anywhere on the forum or the radio show, but it looks like Dr. Harley's complete set of books are now available on Kindle! Amazon emailed me to let me know that HNHN for Kindle had been updated and that I'm entitled to download the update since we own HNHN for Kindle. I hope this also means Love Busters has been updated, because previously they only had the old edition.

Surviving an Affair (Exciting to have this available as an emergency tool people can order immediately!!)
HNHN
Love Busters
5 Steps to Romantic Love seems to be missing at the moment; but it used to be there (we have it).
Fall in Love, Stay in Love
I Promise You (previously out of print!)
Effective Marriage Counseling (only $1.99!!! wow!!!!!)
Draw Close
His Needs, Her Needs, in Spanish (looks like you get a discount if you buy it en Espanol. )
His Needs Her Needs For Parents
Buyers Renters and Freeloaders (only $6.15; previously out of print!)
Defending Traditional Marriage (previously out of print!)
He Wins, She Wins: Learning the Art of Marital Negotiation (Dr. Harley's new book; to be released in October - available for preorder!)