BTW: You are not the first to ask this question, only, for the moment, the most recent!

JC Ideas

Just Compensation, in a nutshell, means affair proofing the marriage and then using the 10 Basic Concepts to restore the romantic love to the marriage. Meeting needs is certainly part of that, but it has to be done - not in a sacrificial way - but in a way that makes both spouses happy and satisfied.

Its real important to understand that just compensation does not mean sacrifice, but using the program to recover the marriage. Something they should have been doing all along. A WS should not EVER agree to something that is not good for the marriage.

...not in a sacrificial way - but in a way that makes both spouses happy and satisfied.

Nicely worded, Mel.

LFTS, this also speaks against the post-nup option (and, FOR the other example I cited!)

Again, though, the precise JCs that would work best in your case would be specific to the facts and details of your case.

In our case, Bride chose to relinquish her union-leadership position. It was not, actually, something that would have been a potential NC violation, but it had been a contributor to her prior association with POSOM, and continued as a time-thief, stealing from the necessary periods we needed to spend together.

SF has been an issue, but only recently (and during the A). The only hitch is that I am the problem. This was an area in our marriage that we seemed to work together really well. In fact until December it mimicked our first 5 years of marriage. Then for whatever reason I began to have great anxiety with the prospect of bedtime.

My depression with this and all the other stuff revolving around the A and my own selfishness had me not wanting to go on. In fact, if not for an inexplicable miracle, I wouldn't have. This led me to talk to my doc and I started AD meds. They seem to help the head but I am suspecting they are messing with the SF department.


I couldn't agree more. The JC I need is sincere effort to repair the damage done by her. This to should be natural if there is a real desire to have a marriage of any real worth.

Late, the key to this will be spending your 20+ hours of UA time together. As long as you are doing that, the romantic love will be restored to your marriage. And your wife may not feel like it at first. But her feelings will follow her actions.

Just expect that she will feel somewhat withdrawn at first, but that will change if you go through these motions. The policy of undivided attention is the KEY that makes this all work. Hope that makes sense!

There are some excellent AD meds that do NOT interfere with sexual desire or potency. My H was on one type of AD(Zoloft) that wreaked havoc in that department. But years later he was prescribed Wellbutrin, and it was great. He was helped a great deal mentally but without any interference sexually.

Just wanted to jump in and let you know that there is hope in the AD department. Let your doctor know the difficulties and he may prescribea different medication. It may not help the rest of the woes, but it may at least eliminate this one aspect of a tough situation.

My depression with this and all the other stuff revolving around the A and my own selfishness had me not wanting to go on. In fact, if not for an inexplicable miracle, I wouldn't have.

Dude, I'm as grateful for the miracle in your story, as I am for the one in mine!

A certain raw, newly betrayed husband was in a
chapel asking for help. He was contemplating
the unthinkable, having about given up. Not an
overly religious man, he didn't even know what
to ask, or how to ask it. An hour went by, and
no answer was forthcoming, so he arrogantly
assumed he knew was his path was to be. As he
left by the side door, he saw two elderly women
trying to enter through the locked main doors.
They saw him and asked if they could enter that
way to see the beautiful new main church. They
had formerly lived in this area, were passing
somewhat nearby, and had driven an hour or more
out of their way just to see it. Our subject
let them in the side entrance, and showed them
the magnificent new House of God.

The ladies, after a few minutes, started to leave,
and the troubled man walked out with them. As he
started to take his leave, one of them said, "You
were a God-send, being here just as we needed you."

He hurried away without looking back, knowing
God's gift was not him to them, but them to HIM!

If the ADs are your lifeline, do NOT unilaterally dispense with them. Work with your doctor on adjusting dosages to minimize the deleterious side effects.

Meanwhile, have you been fully honest with FWW on these matters - ALL of them? A fully involved, connected marriage is NOT only concerned with the celebrating the highs, but in buffering the lows as well.

Thanks Mel, some important points here and I couldn't agree more. I do have a problem with WS making judgements regarding what and how to help us in the very area her judgement (RH and lack of) has not served us well.

I am eternally grateful and thanks for your story. Getting to that place is a hopelessness I never want to experience again.

I never wanted to have anything to do with crazy drugs but hey, what the heck, if they work that's all that matters. Yes I have been very open and honest with FWW regarding this and every thing else. I'm still hoping for the same in return.

Thanks LongWay, I'm calling the doc in the morning to see about making an adjustment.

LFTS, Just remember that this period of life will pass and become a distant memory in 5 years...

In what ways is TF not following radical honesty? Are you still talking about the affair? What are you doing during your UA time?

FIVE YEARS.....I could be dead. Just kidding, sorta. I have never been so patient in my life as I have in the past 18 months. I think we're getting there, it's just that I'm not so confident in what I will be in the end at this pace.

Regarding the RH, some stuff came out a couple weeks ago when we began posting here. Details about the A that she had lied about and the fact she had closed an investment account we held in common and moved all the money to one in her name only. Yes, the A does come up, some of this stuff is only 2-3 weeks old for me.

UA is in need of work. I would like to blame TF for that but in all honesty much of the problem here is me. TF would like nothing more than to spend UA time filling EN's. Me....I'm still seein' if it's safe to go outside.

Jump in with both feet, my friend. The faster you fall in love again, the sooner the pain will fade into the past. You are on the right track!

I discontinued both the AD and anti anxiety meds after 3 or 4 months because 1) I thought I didn't need them and 2) an issue in the bedroom arose.

I would encourage you to get them at dosages you can be happy.

I agree keep on this road and don't deviate. Once you fall in love again don't change what your doing. Your doing great. Don't forget the basic concepts on this site as well.

Thank you ML, thank you all. All of you have been through this in some manner or form and I really appreciate your understanding. It is so helpful to have the diversity of perspective you all so generously provide.

ML, the words you posted above have been on my mind often in recent days. You see, this is where I had been for months, on my knees with my arms reaching out (figuratively and literally). This seems to have taken a toll. Like I told Trueform a couple days ago, it just feels like too little, too late.

What my dear wife didn't realize or appreciate is that no one, including her parents, ever loved or cared for her as as much as I did. Everything else aside, the disregard for me and my heart during what I hoped was recovery has caused real damage.

It was so important for her to protect herself. For so long she was so motivated to protect the A and OM and herself. Then daily looks me in the eye and allows the pain to continue, knowing she is the only one that can help is one hell of a love buster. I just don't feel much of anything right now.

I'm reading Love Busters and Dr. Harley writes,...however, spouses tend to react more negatively to long term deception than to the concealed event. This seems to be true. Months ago when I first began reading this board I read GloveOils post. I asked my wife to read it and told her that his attitude and care for his wife was admirable and I thought TF should take it to heart. OH well.

Is this just one of the awful stages of recovery? It is so empty having the love of my life become the most dangerous person I have ever known. I really do and will appreciate any and all assist.

What my dear wife didn't realize or appreciate is that no one, including her parents, ever loved or cared for her as as much as I did. Everything else aside, the disregard for me and my heart during what I hoped was recovery has caused real damage.

It was so important for her to protect herself. For so long she was so motivated to protect the A and OM and herself. Then daily looks me in the eye and allows the pain to continue, knowing she is the only one that can help is one hell of a love buster. I just don't feel much of anything right now.


LS did she break NC? What do you mean by this post please clarify. How is she continuing to hurt your heart? Why doesn't she post here anymore would be helpful to see both sides.

What my dear wife didn't realize or appreciate is that no one...ever loved or cared for her as as much as I did.

Interesting, but basically irrelevant to the algebra of relationships, my friend, at least in the vector in question. Your "love" for her only worked to prevent YOU from being unfaithful.

It would be possible that her LB$ was so low as she entered the affair that her interpretation of your pain (resulting from your higher LB$ being plundered) is based on what she would have felt, ie "No big loss!"

Is that a comforting thought? Probably not, and it certainly makes your task all the more painful. ("Hey! I'm the BS! Why am I tasked with trying to heal my own feelings and building up HER LB$?)

Does it change the program? No, but it does give you a better appreciation of the task (and its purposes) before you.

Some WS's get it right away. Some NEVER get it. Their small (or negative) LB$ that existed prior to the affair would have (figuratively) rendered that account closed.

From a subjective viewpoint, LftS, I do not get the feeling from TF's posts that she is as heedless of your pain as your post would indicate. I do believe that she has not yet grasped the concept that she should be doing the heavy lifting. It would be of value if she detects your dissatisfaction and 1) asks the reason, and 2) takes care of it.

Remember, though: Marathon, not Sprint!

I usually convey my thoughts pretty well. All of this stuff and the thoughts and emotions have me in uncharted territory. This board was helpful for me long before I ever posted and I believe that many of you thoughtful folks here may be able to help me sort through this mess.

Nothing like that TD. I guess it is like the boy who cried wolf. After being misled over and over and over, I�m empty. Hopefully she will resume posting and allow you guys to help us find a way out.

I believed so many times she got it, that now even if she does who would know or even care. This isn�t what I want, just where I am. I have asked her to read my post, so maybe she will be open to the insight you have.

NG, that�s how I got to where I am. TF seemed to be all in so many times while she was still sandbaggin� me. Regarding the heavy lifting you couldn�t be more right. A few months back I told her that it was time for her to drive the bus. Now I seem to be sitting in the back of the bus and she is still in a passenger seat wondering why we aren�t moving.

Marathon�..no way. When I ran track I was a sprinter (our oldest son is a college sprinter now). In the movie Chariots of Fire, the trainer Sam Mussabini tells Harold Abrams that the 100 meter sprint is a race tailor made for neurotics. At least I haven�t lost my sense of humor. Your point is well taken, Thanks.