Two years ago my wife had an affair, before the affair I was injured at work, herniated disc. I treated my wife like a queen everything I did I wanted to make sure she knew she could trust mebecause she was the sneaky kind seemed like she steered lying a lot around that time. anyways she went to bingo a lot, weird I know for a 25 year old but I didn't think anything of it we had two kids and she needed a break because I worked out of town all of the time... I had this feeling for a long time abd I knew something was going on and when I would ? her she would act like a child yell and scream and was very distant... I tried to let her know I was there for her if she ever need me but she would never and still never talks to me about her problems even though I have tried so hard to get her to open up to me... one day I got home from work and she told me that she was leaving abd that she didn't know if she loved me anymore but I need to stay faithful to her through this because if I had an affair it would surely be over... later that day I saw her at the mall holding tge hand off another man and kissing him... it broke my heart, I was sickened she couldn't even tell me she was sleeping with another man. I approached them to find out the normal ?'s only to have it turned on me telling me I was stalking my own wife! it's that even possible? anyways I wasn't I was trying to get through her not loving me anymore so I wanted to walk around the mall for a little to waste some time since there isn't anything to do in this town and my wife pretty much made me choose between the mother of my child or my friends so I didn't have any friends... I was devastated and she stayed away from me for months telling people horrible lies about me like I was a drug addict and I abused her and I was a horrible father/person... I had never so much as even touched her in anger nor was I a drug addict I worked 120 hours a week to provide for my family... anyways two years have passed and we have since gotten back together it took months for this dude she had an affair with abd her to leave each other alone... I am still deviststed by this we have been to Christian counseling but got nowhere she blamed me for things, she would make up things and tell the counselors each week we were separated taken into another room and I was asked why I did drugs abd other things I said I'm where she.gets I'm on drugs but I am not... I had been take a very regulated dose of pain medication for my injured back but that was all and I didn't accuse it for crying out loud... well now or marriage is just terrible she still ids unable to talk to me about anything and it's still unable to just acknowledge that's she does anything wrong. now she calls my mother in law and sister in law and tells them things that are partially true mixed with lies to make me look horrible... idk what I have ever done to her I really honestly don't... when we meet she was pregnant not showing of course and did not tell me until weeks into our relationship when she was sure I had fallen for her I gave up my dreams and the life I had planned quit college after two years to go get a job and support her and the little one after all I had feelings for her and was willing to do whatever I could so she would know that... I got a job in the oil field certainly not what I had planned for my future but I was in love... I think after all I've been through I'm ready to end this, I am tired of what she says about me what lies she tells and the fact that she won't come and talk to me but goes to her mother which in my mind is an affair being that I get nothing from her... what should I do!?

Can you write that in paragraphs? It is almost impossible to read!!

Survivor,

Your post was difficult to read, perhaps you can organize what happened on a timeline.

It does sound like you have entered into a very dysfunctional family who support and encourage infidelity as a way of life, possibly along with other addictions. Since the child / children? are not yours and you are only a paycheck to these people you need to run from this toxic mess.

God Bless
Gamma

Survivor, your post is kind of tough to read, with all the sentences running together.

Questions, please: how long have you been married? I get the impression it's only been a few years. She was pregnant when you met and withheld that information from you? You married her and have been working out of town ever since. Is this all correct?

i typed that on my phone...

lets see if this will be a little easier to read lol... I really don't want to make this just my view i am trying very hard to look at everything from every angle here so that i can get an honest opinion from you all i know how easy it easy to write feelings down and not fact trust me its hard not to...

It's weird what our minds will do to us because we are in love, i was raised in a broken home but had very loving parents and step parents and have tried with all of my might to keep hold of that upbringing through all of this and lead by example for everybody but it is very difficult.. very... This is how this relationship is working i have been, how do you say, a little bit insecure really due to just how easy this whole thing was for this woman to do this to me. She cried but really seemed the only reason she cried was because he wasn't someone she wanted to be with you know she just wanted to have sex with someone else i know you can't choose who you fall in love with but this guy had 5 kids and 2 of her own that would be way too much for this girl to handle since she has a hard time caring for here two kids... but thats purely speculation. like i said i cannot get her to open up to me about anything even after 8 years toghther and 6 years married if she has to admit guilt of anykind she will not talk about it.. it is absolutely horrible and very difficult. in the end the only way to make a relationship like this work is to take the entire relationship on your own shoulders and be very very understanding and patient. which is a challenge for me

Recently she has been increasingly distant and yet started talking crap about me again to her mother and sister i was snooping and i read some messages on her phone to her sister saying that this is the worst day of her life to which her sister replied what did that sob do to you this time... i just want to yell as loud as i can nothing!! i have only loved and cared for this woman!! i also discovered that my wife has been looking at porn something she would absolutely have a problem with me doing. when i confronted her about it, nicely of course i got this, why are you looking at my phone? it was you who got onto my phone and looked that up you get on my phone all of the time! i looked her and said youre crazy you know i don't get on your phone the only reason i was on this one was because she just got a new phone and i was trying to reset this phone back to its factory setting for resale... any way she hasn't talked to me all night attempting to make me believe i have done wrong and how dare i find out that she has done this. this relationship is suffocating me i am actually starting to believe that i this horrible person she has made me out to be.. but i look back and say you are not you haven't done anything to be ashamed of and i know that.
tell me when your wife doesn't post a thing about you on her facebook page except for the fact that she is married in her about section, she will not tell me she loves me, only on mine,etc. wouldn't that pretty much mean that she is using her facebook as a means for the start of other affairs not necssarilly sexual but an affair none the less... being that she wont speak to me pretty much anybody she speaks to would be an affair lol... I do not want to hurt my children... but i need advice

maritalbliss...
we have been married for 6 years and together for about 8.5 years...
she informed me she was about 2 months pregnant about a month into our relationship but i was sincerely loved her and new of all of her past mistakes and accepted them,
I was out of town for about 2-3 days at a time usually twice a month sometimes longer for the first 2 years of this relationship when we got married i was only out of town a couple times a year the affair occured after i was injured at work and home everyday...

Gamma
one child is my biological child but i love them both very much and do not wish to abandon my non biological child this is not his fault

Familiarize yourself with the MB concepts. Go to the top of the page and click "Basic Concepts" and after that find some of the Q & A columns that apply to your situation.


Are you sure she's not still in some contact with the OM. I'm suspicious because she's still gaslighting you and rewriting history to rationalize and justify something. Your counselors willingness to engage her lies demonstrates his/her lack of ability to handle infidelity situations. She using the counselor as a divorce facilitator and attempting to document forever that it's all your fault.

Her infidelity gives you a free pass out of the marriage if that's what you want. I think you should consider the Dr. Harley articles "When to call it quits". I come back with the link. You'll do a proper Plan A (including the carrot and the stick whereupon you stop entertaining these bullcrap discussions about your imaginary problems). If and when she refuses to get on board working MB marital recovery plan after say 1, 2 or 3 months (you've already done your own Plan A for some time now), you then go to Plan B and separate from her hoping the Plan A you just did will cause her to miss you enough to motivate her to make some permanent changes to her life and attitude.

Read up. Educate yourself first so you can lead properly. Nothing worse than taking a tiny bit of information and running off with it all cocksure only to find out you've completely missed the point. We need to change you and your attitude first so you can lead her and your marriage out of the hole it's in.

Do you still love her? How strong do you feel emotionally?

Gotta run,

Mr. Wondering

Go to the Newsletter forum and read "When to Call it Quits" parts 1, 2 and 3.

NEWSLETTER FORUM


btw...are you the listed or adoptive father of child #1?

If not, things can get really sticky in a divorce/custody dispute. Your wife will be under no obligation to allow you any continued relationship with a step-child. The courts won't be motivated to separate the children either, thus winning primary custody order for your child is unlikely as well.

The fact she knew she was pregnant when she met you and seduced you indicates a willingness to manipulate with her children. If you fight this too tough...she'll, no doubt play games with custody ...but if you fight this too weak...you'll remain stuck in the current situation. The current situation is unbearable so fight tough you must...but be prepared for threats and manipulations and hope that in the long run whether you recover or not, she'll respect you more for standing firm in your boundaries and resolve. If she threatens you must remember a threat is not reality and all these kids will be 18 eventually and free to associate with whomever they choose.

Godspeed,

Mr. W

Thank you mr. Wondering for the very helpful advice... the ? About if I'm still in love with her is a ? I've been struggling with for a while now... I have never cheated on a significant other ever... only because I know first hand the damage infidelity causes a relationship my mother had an affair on my father causing their divorce so I had insider knowledge lol... I had loved my wife how I needed or wanted to be loved in return that is how I've always approached every situation or relationship, so when she did this she pretty much spat in my face and rubbed my nose in her excrement lol... so how can I love somebody like that I think that I love the ideav of her or am holding onto how she used to make me feel... inside I'm pretty much dead I don't really know if I can love anymore... I know that prolly sounds a bit over the top but that how I feel.

I keep trying to love her the way I want to be loved but my wife is a liar a cheater and in my eyes heartless borderline psychotic if not borderline personslity disorder