I married my ex within a year of meeting him. I thought he was wonderful, and we shared the same family values and hopes for the future. I was young and optimistic of course, 19 and he was 21.

All the above was still true but I uncovered his avoidance of conflict which made it impossible to talk through issues and he had quite a temper... We could have made it as a married couple with growth and work, but I grew personally and he went to smother woman instead.

So one thing I know is that I want to date longer and make sure I have abetter idea of how he acts under stress. I still find myself wondering if I will see a different side later on. I met a guy in college and we were friends first and he's awesome... Maybe I'm just old and cynical now (32) and wonder where the hidden dark sides are.

This is disjointed and my first post out of SAA... I'm typing on acell phone which makes it harder

Please pardon my direct approach. With four children under the age of 10, you will actually have very little time for dating for quite a while. Relax. Enjoy your blessings. You have a lot to be grateful for.
I am not saying don't date. I am saying dating has a lower priority.

If I were to give you a sign that there's trouble ahead, it might be a man who tries to entice you to spend less time with your children and more time with him. That would be a man with no respect for your 4 little priorities.

Not to mention, being a nursing student is emotionally and intellectually stressful. Keep up the good work. You have wonderful goals. Focus on them for now. The rest will fall into place when the time is right.

I assumed that I would be single for a long time because of the kids. Who wants that much responsibility? I told him up front what being with me would look like and he stepped up and most of the time we are together is with the kids. They are gone two weekends a month and that is when we are alone, well at least when we aren't working.

I feel like my experience in a failed marriage has left me paranoid and I'm searching for things wrong. I think that can be bad and good.

I just want to be wiser this time. Thanks pepperband I've read lots of your posts to me and others and they are always real.

I think we need a red flags thread! I look back on my marriage and shake my head with astonishment at the number of red flags I missed.

Yes seeing how people act under stress is good but the best is just to be observant. People tell you the most about themselves when you first meet them, including the circumstances under which you met.

But you bring up the issue of conflict and I have been reflecting on that. So many people on these forums talk about marriages that broke down because they were the victim of angry outbursts. But how many of us experienced angry outbursts when we were dating? I'm guessing none as that would have been a deal breaker. So the AOs suddenly appeared out of nowhere in the second year of marriage? I don't think so.

If you listen to Dr Harley and Joyce, the thing that shines out is the respect they have for one another. If you can stay respectful, even under stress, then conflict can be resolved no matter how much of an avoider he/she is.

Let's all take ownership of our part in allowing things to go wrong and be better people with better marriages.

We cross posted. Being in nursing school is amazingly hard, but I am half way there and I can't wait to be able to provide more for my kids. I work in a hospital now which will be good experience for the resume too.

I see what you are trying to say, but that isn't really the case with my ex. He wouldn't allow me to talk about things between us that weren't sunshine and roses. I literally was not allowed to talk about it. If I said, but we really need to talk about it, and I pushed too much he would EXPLODE. It doesn't really matter how respectfully you approach it if the person cannot handle it. I definitely grew a lot during my marriage. I came into it an immature teenager and learned how to be emotionally healthy and approach things respectfully.

Relax!
Your paranoia has a time limited purpose.

Think of a little kid who has it been bitten by a big dog. Until that kid grows bigger himself, his wariness serves to protect him. Gradually, those dogs look smaller to him. He will have friendlier dog interactions. His paranoia fades away. As will yours.

I have a saying for what you are doing. Here it is.

You have cheese on your plate. You are thinking about tomorrow's cheese.

Maybe only a mouse brain will understand.

I'm so proud of you for going into nursing!
I went back to school, graduated age 31 with a BSN.
Then, after 2 years, I went back to school again and became an RNP.
Eventually, I became a clinical mentor to student RNPs.
I retired in 2009 after 30 years.

I want to encourage you to continue to reach higher and higher as a nurse.
Nursing will teach you just about everything you need to learn about human nature. Then, you will be confident you can spot warning signs before most non-nursing people.

Dr. Harley says it is important to spend at least 15 hrs/week meeting each other's most important emotional needs. This requires your undivided attention, so your kids can't be with you during that time.

I don't see how you are going to be able to find 15 hrs/week for undivided attention while working, going to school, and raising 4 young kids. (I am a working, single mom, so I know how difficult it is.) Have you considered waiting to date until your kids are older? You will have the rest of your life to find a romantic relationship, and your kids are only young for a short while.

It feels like something worthwhile. "Boyfriend" (you know how weird it is to say that word to me) is also in nursing school and works at a different hospital so we have a lot in common to talk about.

I love your analogies Pep.

Yeah that is not going to happen. I mean I love Dr. Harley but I'm pretty sure ANYONE with 4 kids will agree: Ain't nobody got time fo dat!! Our time together is stuff like cooking dinner while kids run around house after school. I think I am starting to get a grasp on what "emotional needs" are on his plate. I still spend plenty of time with my kids, too, I spend about 2 hours per night on bedtime reading stories and talking to each one sitting on their bed.

One good thing about being divorced, if I have to find a positive, I have free babysitting every other weekend Friday to Sunday. That leaves a lot more time than married persons with kids get to spend alone with their husband/wife.

I guess we'll see what happens.

Big Dog.... yes, that is exactly it.

I like cheese, and if I am going to have it I want a lifetime supply. :P

But I'm betting that behaviour didn't happen when you were dating did it? He exploded because he did not now how to negotiate and when you pushed him, he felt unsafe.

The three styles of getting your way are childish (temper), adolescent (sulking) and adult (negotiating). Very few people learn how to negotiate as adults.

I don't even remember back that far. We literally went from meeting to married in 10 months so there wasn't much time for there to even BE conflict that needs to be negotiated. I want to make sure not to do that again!

Yes, I think we were the same. Thank heavens for MB eh?

I had a little lightbulb.....

You wrote this


You are asking what signs you look for in men you date. And, that's an OK question.

I suddenly flashed that there is a much more vital warning sign for you to pay attention to.
Warning signs that YOU are not thinking clearly and objectively about any given relationship.
"Such as what Pep?"
Daydreaming about the perfect future. (tomorrow's cheese) And not paying attention to today's cheese. (real facts)
Making excuses for a date's errent behavior.
"He's just stressed out. That's all."
You become 'The Giver' in order to make a man happy with you. <~~~ May be the most important!
You begin to compromise and sacrifice instead of negotiate honestly.
You focus on making deposits to his Love Bank, while ignoring withdrawals from your Love Bank.

Look for warning signs within !!!! Those internal warnings are far more dangerous because those are the signs we tend to push away from consciousness.

Also, if you are ever indulging in the fantasy that things will "be better" if you marry..... that's a big

Avoid granting 'second chances' while dating.

I'll probably think of more later. You've been warned!

Have you had a chance to listen to the radio show where Dr Harley discusses his advice to single mothers regarding dating?

It is controversial and you may not like it, but I think it is worth a listen, especially given that you have four children and how little they all are...

I'm not 100% sure of the clip Susie is talking about. SQ do you know when it was?

Here is a clip.
Radio Clip of Raising Chldren outside of Marriage