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So....if he does get so mad he starts packing to leave when I expose, what should I do.
I really dont think I should just stand by and let that happen. Have you read the Carrot/Stick link in my sig line? Make sure you begin reading from the first post. Of course you "let it happen". You cannot stop him. Let me ask you this. Is he afraid he might lose you? He needs to be.
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"I can't stop you from leaving. I am not your warden. I am your wife. I love you. I am very hurt and wounded from your adultery with Bill's wife. I am willing to stay here and work with you to repair our marriage after your adulterous affair has ended permanently. But you need to know this, I am certain I will not remain married to a man who continues to be unfaithful. You have some decisions to make. So do I."
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Why haven't you gone into Plan B? Jessica, Not sure why you think I should at this point. I will if I feel it is necessary. Janna
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My thoughts: You call her "Bill's wife" because she does not deserve to have her name spoken by you. My thoughts as far as friendship/relationship vs affair/adultery: definitely NEVER refer to it as a friendship or relationship. It is nothing as innocent and fine as either of those things. You could call it an affair and be correct, because that is what it is, but the word 'affair' can have a romantic connotation to some. The word 'adultery' is never romantic and never acceptable in society. There's no romanticizing or dressing that word up. OK this makes sense, although I struggle at times with even using Affair because most of this happened while we were separated. He likes to try to make the case that we were separated and he thought of himself as single. There was a long period of time where I did nothing to stop the A because I didnt care. I basically was in a version of a dark Plan B without knowing that since I hadnt found MB. Unfortunately, I didnt give him the greatest way back to our M and I was so focused on him stopping his abusiveness that I didnt even know about the A. I assumed he was with someone or several someones, but I didnt bother to find out. Janna
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FWIW, I don't think he's going anywhere. Or, if he does, it will only be for a day or so - just long enough for his anger to blow out. Most waywards can't keep that emotion going for very long. Why do you think this? Janna
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My thoughts: You call her "Bill's wife" because she does not deserve to have her name spoken by you. My thoughts as far as friendship/relationship vs affair/adultery: definitely NEVER refer to it as a friendship or relationship. It is nothing as innocent and fine as either of those things. You could call it an affair and be correct, because that is what it is, but the word 'affair' can have a romantic connotation to some. The word 'adultery' is never romantic and never acceptable in society. There's no romanticizing or dressing that word up. OK this makes sense, although I struggle at times with even using Affair because most of this happened while we were separated. He likes to try to make the case that we were separated and he thought of himself as single. There was a long period of time where I did nothing to stop the A because I didnt care. I basically was in a version of a dark Plan B without knowing that since I hadnt found MB. Unfortunately, I didnt give him the greatest way back to our M and I was so focused on him stopping his abusiveness that I didnt even know about the A. I assumed he was with someone or several someones, but I didnt bother to find out. Janna I understand what you are saying, but you know what? You were still married!!! Don't forget that. Even though you were separated, you were still married. Anything could happen. Maybe I am just wrong, but separation is usually to get some space, clear your head, figure out what you want, and figure out if you can make your marriage work. Separation is not license to go sleep with someone else and have an affair. It IS NOT ok that he did this. You are married until you are divorced.
BS Me 47,WH 49
DS's x3 17, 10, 7
Multiple D-Days
No disclosure by WH. No EP's, no transparency, no guilt or remorse either.
Plan C DOES NOT WORK!
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So....if he does get so mad he starts packing to leave when I expose, what should I do.
I really dont think I should just stand by and let that happen. Have you read the Carrot/Stick link in my sig line? Make sure you begin reading from the first post. Of course you "let it happen". You cannot stop him. Let me ask you this. Is he afraid he might lose you? He needs to be. Thanks. I hadnt read it, but I did. I think I will have to reread to absorb it all. He said he was when I asked him. He's what I would call half foggy at the moment. Intellectually, he knows whats right from wrong and which part of what hes done is wrong. But, of course he just wants me to accept that its no big deal, he screwed up mainly her fault for contacting him (and mine for making her contact him again by contacting his H.......that just for everyones amusement lol). Even he laughs at some of the stuff he says before I even can say a word about it. Its not really funny, but at least he realizes hes being ridiculous. His mantra is he made a commitment to me when we got back together and he's kept it. Janna
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He made have made the committment to you, but that doesn't mean that he is the only one that can decide how to fix it. That would never work. You need whatever it is that you need. So, he needs to understand that he has destroyed trust and this isn't just some simple little mistake and that you have a WHOLE list of things that he is going to have to do for you to be able to feel safe and even want to continue on with this marriage.
BS Me 47,WH 49
DS's x3 17, 10, 7
Multiple D-Days
No disclosure by WH. No EP's, no transparency, no guilt or remorse either.
Plan C DOES NOT WORK!
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I don't think he's going anywhere either. Here is why. The 80/20 rule. I did not write this post. But I often refer to it because I like it very much for how it explains need vs want. ** LINK ** to original I have been a long time reader of this site and must admit that advice given to all the people really helped me a lot.
I thought that today I will share with you something that I received from a friend which says a lot.
Interesting quote from the movie "Why did I get married?"
In most cases, especially in relationships, you will only get 80% of
what you NEED and you will hardly get the other 20% that you WANT in
your relationship. There is always another person (man or women) that
you will meet and that will offer you the other 20% which is lacking
in your relationship that you WANT
And believe me, 20% looks really good when you are not getting it at
all in your current relationship.
But the problem is that you will always be tempted to leave that good
80% that you know you have, thinking that you will get something
better with the other 20% that you WANT
But as reality has proven, in most cases, you will always end up with
having the 20% that you WANT and loosing the 80% that you really NEED
and that you already had.
Be careful in deciding between what you WANT and NEED in your life.
Adultery happens when you start looking for what you don't have. "Wow,
this girl in my office is a real looker. But it's not her Wynona Rider
features that got me. I'm crazy about her because she's also
understanding, intelligent, tender - so many things that my spouse is
not"
Somewhere along the way, you'll find a woman or a man who will be more
charming or sensitive. More alluring. More thoughtful. Richer. Have
greater sex appeal. And you will find a woman or man who will need you
and pursue you and go loco over you more than your spouse ever did.
Because no wife or husband is perfect. Because a spouse will only have
80% of what you're looking for. So adultery takes place when a husband
or wife looks for the missing 20%. Let's say your wife is melancholic
by nature.
You may find yourself drawn to the pretty clerk who has a cherry laugh
no matter what she says: "I broke my arm yesterday, Hahahaha . . .."
Or because your wife is a homebody in slippers and pajamas, smelling
of garlic and fish oil, you may fall for a fresh-smelling young sales
representative that visits your office in a sharp black blazer, high
heels, and a red pencil-cut skirt Or because your husband is the quiet
type, your heart may skip a beat when you meet an old college flame
who has the makings of a talk show host.
But wait! That's only 20% of what you don't have.
Don't throw away the 80% that you already have!
That's not all. Add to your spouse's 80% the 100% that represents all
the years that you have been with each other. The storms you have
weathered together. The unforgettable moments of sadness and joy as a
couple. The many adjustments you have made to love the other. The
wealth of memories that you've accumulated as lovers.
Adultery happens when you start looking for what you don't have.
But faithfulness happens when you start thanking God for what you
already have.
But I'm not just talking about marriage.
I'm talking about life!
About your jobs.
About your friends.
About your children.
About your lifestyles.
Are you like the economy airline passenger that perennially peeks
through the door of the first class cabin, obsessed with what he's
missing? "They have got more leg room! Oh my, their food is served in
porcelain! Wow, their seats recline at an 80% angle and they've got
personal videos!"
I guarantee you'll be miserable for the entire trip! Don't live your
life like that. Forget about what the world says is first class. Do
you know that there are many first class passengers who are miserable
in first class -- because they are not riding in a private Lear Jet?
The main message???
If you start appreciating what you have right now, wherever you are,
you are first class! When it comes down to it. You are NOT the 20%. He'd be walking away from his 80%. You.
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Why haven't you gone into Plan B? Jessica, Not sure why you think I should at this point. I will if I feel it is necessary. Janna If I understand correctly, during the course of your 28 year marriage, your husband has cheated with approx. 10 different women. I don't know how long you've been in Plan A, but Dr. Harley wrote, "if plan A does not work within a reasonable period of time, I recommend plan B." He also wrote, "In many cases, once an affair has ended, a betrayed spouse makes the mistake of taking the wayward spouse back before an agreement is made regarding marital recovery. This leads to a return to all the conditions that made the affair possible . . . Without agreement and subsequent implementation of a plan for recovery, the betrayed spouse is better off continuing with plan B." In a previous post, didn't you say you felt you had made a mistake by taking him back too soon? Dr. Harley also wrote "I recommend separation when at least one spouse cannot control destructive behavior." Aren't you suppose to go into Plan B if he refuses to follow all of the EPs and stop hiding things from you? Maybe I've misunderstood Dr. Harley's recommedations regarding Plans A & B...
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One of the purposes of Plan B is to prevent you from falling out of love with him, right? I'm thinking there must be massive "withdrawals" each time you discover that he still isn't being completely transparent. How much longer until your "lovebank" is completely depleted by all of this?
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Why haven't you gone into Plan B? Jessica, Not sure why you think I should at this point. I will if I feel it is necessary. Janna If I understand correctly, during the course of your 28 year marriage, your husband has cheated with approx. 10 different women. I don't know how long you've been in Plan A, but Dr. Harley wrote, "if plan A does not work within a reasonable period of time, I recommend plan B." He also wrote, "In many cases, once an affair has ended, a betrayed spouse makes the mistake of taking the wayward spouse back before an agreement is made regarding marital recovery. This leads to a return to all the conditions that made the affair possible . . . Without agreement and subsequent implementation of a plan for recovery, the betrayed spouse is better off continuing with plan B." In a previous post, didn't you say you felt you had made a mistake by taking him back too soon? Dr. Harley also wrote "I recommend separation when at least one spouse cannot control destructive behavior." Aren't you suppose to go into Plan B if he refuses to follow all of the EPs and stop hiding things from you? Maybe I've misunderstood Dr. Harley's recommedations regarding Plans A & B... Jessica I dont recall saying I took my H back too soon. I think what I said was I didnt do as good a job at spelling out the ground rules as I could have because I wasnt familiar with all these MB concepts at the time and was winging it. I am in the process of correcting that. If that doesnt work to my satisfaction then I will consider if I need to be in plan B. My H has screwed up. But, I have no reason to believe he is currently in a full blown physical or even emotional A. He made a few phone 10 min phone calls over a period of 7 months. I dont see a reason to blow up our entire M when I believe we can fix this. Janna Bella
Last edited by JannaBella; 02/23/13 08:33 PM.
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I understand what you are saying, but you know what? You were still married!!! Don't forget that. Even though you were separated, you were still married. Anything could happen. Maybe I am just wrong, but separation is usually to get some space, clear your head, figure out what you want, and figure out if you can make your marriage work. Separation is not license to go sleep with someone else and have an affair. It IS NOT ok that he did this. You are married until you are divorced.
You are correct, but thats not exactly how it went for us lol. He stormed out after an argument and sat around at his parents house waiting for me to beg him to come back. When that didnt happen much to his surprise, he tried to come back anyway and I told him I didnt want him back.
There was no discussion. Later I laid down the conditions that he must get anger management therapy. That made him angry...haha and although he eventually did that, it took him a long time. I basically went dark and during that time the A that had been basically a friends with benefits thing became far more entrenched.
So, even though I didnt care that much about the A at that time he was actually engaged in one when he left even though I didnt really know about it.
Janna
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So you're planning to expose, correct?
You're in Plan A.
What is your plan for exposure? Who and when?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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So you're planning to expose, correct?
You're in Plan A.
What is your plan for exposure? Who and when? Plan is to expose Tues AM. To her FB friends and WH family via email. Plus separate email to my 4 stepsons Janna
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This is message Im planning to send OW friends/family. Any feedback is appreciated.
OW friends and family
I am sending you this message as a friend or family member of OW. Some of you know that OW had an A with my H.
She came into my home to conduct this sordid A with my H while I was out of town or met him in his car by the railroad tracks after Thurs night bowling. When my H and I separated the A continued. Her H contacted me to inform me he had pictures of the two of them embracing.
Facing a divorce filed by her H, she began pressuring my H to divorce me live with her. At that point, my H decided he wanted to reconcile our M.
We have been have been working to restore our M for the last five years. Unfortunately, I have recently become aware that OW and my H are once again in contact.
I am not willing to tolerate a "friendship" that has previously caused so much destruction to both of our families. If you have any influence over OW, I hope you will urge her to respect her own H and marriage and stay out of mine.
I also wanted to make sure that those of you who have her around your husbands, know exactly what kind of person she is.
Janna
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Another question. Should I block all means for her to call WH to complain about the exposure or should I just let it happen so they are in conflict?
Janna
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Jannabell,
Save or record all contact, send it to her husband and children and grandchildren.
Given the seriousness of your WHs continual lapses, I would expose his "side pieces" as well, WHs needs to know that you are not taking prisoners.
God Bless
Gamma
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Another question. Should I block all means for her to call WH to complain about the exposure or should I just let it happen so they are in conflict?
Janna Why do you feel that enforcing no contact is your responsibility rather than your husband's?
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Is there a reason you are only mentioning his most recent affair partner in your exposure letter? I realize the letter should focus on her at this point, but I'm thinking it might be helpful to briefly explain that he has had affairs with 9 other women (that you know of) during the course of your marriage. That would help correct the fact that his previous affairs were not fully exposed, and it would enable people to appreciate the magnitude of the problem you are facing.
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