My DW I don't want you to leave but I cannot stop you. This will be very upsetting for the kids and I know you want the best for them. I believe that they should stay in OUR home with me. It would be best for the kids not to be shuttled back and forth every other week. They can visit you and grandparents in the evening and on weekends.

Something to that effect.

Also open the door for DW to decide to stay at least for a little while longer. Pick up some of things you talked about last night that might help.

Oh and one important point.
Dr Harley says do not help the wayward leave.
Don't pack boxes, load furniture etc

I just read this entire thread from the beginning, and I am simply amazed. FG - if every BH performed like you, divorce lawyers would have to retrain themselves for a new line of work.

x2!

Good going! BTW, talking with coach Steve or Jennifer is especially helpful at this turn you are in. I know Steve gave me very specific actions that re-channeled my WH.

Its easy to get intimidated by the fog talk. It helps so much to stayed plugged in here, radio show, coaching and so on. Otherwise, you start questioning your own logic and sanity. Dr Harley will warn that a withdrawn spouse can send the other spouse into withdrawal too--- and its true!

But your little boys need you to be strong. Having an addicted parent is traumatic. Just like you, they assumed their world (home) was benevolent towards them. As a family you all assumed there was meaning in being together. (love. committment to care for one another) And the horror of finding out your parent/spouse can so easily toss you aside is horrible no matter but to not have it in context is distorting.

Read/tell stories to them about building and renewal. ie Bob the Builder. New construction. Repairing old roads starts with an assessment, plan, putting up road blocks, heavy equipment to haul away old useless debris etc.

Or books about nature, rebirth and so on. These efforts will go along way to point to universal trusts.

How do I stop her?
1 Unload the kids' stuff from the truck. Get assistance from marriage-supporting friends if necessary.
2 Contact the school administration. Tell them your children's education will be put at risk.
3 Contact your IL's clergy. Ask them to dissuade ILs from aiding in the destruction of a family unit.
4 Tell the children they can stay with you if they want, and Mommy only wants them with her for cover so she can pursue her boyfriend.
5 Let the air out of the truck's tires.
6 Hand a copy of POSOMs threatening note to ILs. Explain that THAT particular POS is the person WW wants to help raise their grandchildren.

I'll think some more. Let me know when you've attended to ALL of these.

Yes. You need to have a come to Jesus meeting with your in laws

Thanks everybody...

As it stands now I cannot legally stop her from taking the kids. I will be sure to again ask that she not leave or at least keep the kids here but doubt she will change her mind. But that's not expected and that's OK. I just want to replant the seed that she is welcome to come back to our home. Offering her the "carrot".

It's maybe not a bad thing that she goes. And let me explain. Our home is pretty sweet. We live on a beautiful lake, in an awesome community, near all her and the kids favorite places. We have our own pool, kids toys, yard, dock, boat. It is also about 15-20 minutes closer to her work.

Her parents still have not sold their home up north and were not planning on anyone to live at their new home here in Florida. Their furniture is still at their home up north. It could be many months before their home sells. They are also broke now because they sunk all their money into this new home before selling their current house.

Now let me tell you about the new house where she is moving to...It's out in the country, with not much around. They have no cable right now, no couch, no beds, not kitchen table. Not much to speak of but boxes of her parents garage and attic. They brought down some old bunk beds and a blow-up mattress. They have a few kitchen items.

I am calling this the "STICK". I was the one that had to get the kids up everyday and to school. I usually picked up the kids from school each day also. She works very early in the AM. Now she needs to get up much earlier to get the kids up,dressed,and fed, take them to school, fight her way through the traffic that is REALLY bad where she now lives. And now fight her way back through traffic to pick the kids up from school. Help with homework, cook, baths, and put to bed. This is a woman who knows nothing about finances, never paid a bill in her life, knows zip of the world... Again this is the "STICK".

Meanwhile, I will have more time to pull the bass out of my lake, loose weight, keep my house clean, and be able to watch some damn sports on my big-screen when I want! Maybe is not going to be so bad.

So for now, plan A for me. Before I thought plan A was about my WW, but after some great advice on here, I finally see it is all about ME. I should have my copy SAA any day now and I will read/study and work on ME!

Thank you all SO MUCH for your support and kind words!

Advice that I was given when I was in your situation, I did not follow as I do not want a divorce, but I am now at a disadvantage for not doing it !

1) File for divorce ( if Florida is a fault state, cite adultry as grounds)
2) File a "temporary order" giving you full custody of the kids, make sure you document as much of WW's activities as you can. Go to the store and buy a spiral bound day planner, the kind that has 3 days per page. Write everything that you can remember in each of the days. Nights out etc need to be in there.

The temorary hearing has to be requested and does not happen by default.

You are then in a strong negotiating position with WW, and can ask her to commit to the recovery plan in the SAA book. starting with the no contact letter.

Southpaw - Good advice. I have been keeping a journal daily. I have all the chat logs, emails, text, fb messages. My lawyer was very proud of me because of the morality clause that FL has here.
I have all the papers needed to file. I will give it a few weeks to let the "stick" do its work.

I recommend that you file now.

I was like you and decided to wait and work on my marriage- then I received papers in the mail unexpectedly because she filed. Now she controls the divorce process, and I am at a severe disadvantage.

If you file first, then you have the stick of the carrot and stick process, you can cancel the divorce at any time when recovery steps are made.

If you wait - she is going to file, and your meddling in-laws will likely give her the money to do it. Don't let that happen.

Just my 2 cents !

Southpaw...Hmmm, very nice thinking.

I am starting to lean in that direction. I need the weekend to make a final sound decision but that sounds like a good next move.

I say file first as well.

The better stick for you will be you staying in your home with your kids (much better for them don't forget) and her having to go live in semi-furnished home in an inconvenient location.

If you think about it over the weekend won't she already be gone with the kids? Others may respond but wouldn't filing today be the best option?

FLguy, let me just say you are doing a fantastic job here. I applaud your strength and focus in this most difficult of times. It is the most painful experience a person will experience in a lifetime. Dr Harley has said many times it is worse than a loss of a child.

The steps you are taking today are laying the groundwork for a possible recovery. Being loving and kind while also having STRONG boundaries will gain her respect back for you. Do not..I repeat..do not be a doormat for her to wipe her feet on. I�m not implying that you are..I am just encouraging you to be cognizant of this as time progresses. Some of us that were in your shoes were scared that if we stood strong, we were going to run them off into the OM�s arms.

What are you willing to accept at this stage? What are you not?

I encourage you to read the false recovery thread here (don't have link) which discusses lessons learned by those of us unfortunate enough to experience one. There are stories discussing things which some of us wish we would have done differently at your stage to avoid a FR.

My FWW and I are 13 mo�s into our R. Let me just say that the FR we experienced has been the most difficult thing to deal with. Worse than the A itself. If you and your WW do start R (which I know you are not there yet), there are many things you can do to minimize the possibility of a FR. Just a word to the wise from a not so fortunate soul as myself. Please take the time to look this up and read it. I believe you will find it most insightful.

Best of luck. You are doing great. Be prepared for the rollercoaster ride of your life.


Add:Also, if you don�t have SAA, LB�s, FILSIL, and HNHN, please do so right away. They are tremendous. Highly recommend. SAA was extremely helpful and eye opening.

Floridaguy you are doing awesome. Its refreshing to follow a thread where a man is fighting hard to save his marriage. IMO it will eventually speak VOLUMES to your WW when the fog starts to clear, that you were willing to fight for her. It seeths care and protection.

Good to see you back 20Year!

Ditto.

Sounds like you're already doing a good job of this, but please read.
DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT

Also this is good information.

False Recovery
False Recovery-Need Voices of Experience

Do your wife's parents still believe she was wrongly accused? If so, have you provided them with evidence of affair and shown them the POSOM's response to your email? If you could convince your wife's parents to cut off her escape route, it would spare your kids a lot of heartache.