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Why would I want to be with someone that does not love me? I wanted to talk to you about this for a second. I have to admit that it is a good question . (As in: "When did you stop beating your wife?") Your response was good. I replied that I made a commitment and vow to her, that I would love her and be by her side in good times and bad. If/when this sort of thing resurfaces (it probably will), here are my suggestions. You manage this sort of trick question by asking questions of her. You don't need to answer her questions. You lead. You manage the topic of all conversations. (like you did in your above response) What part of breaking up our family makes sense to you? Why not learn to meet each other's needs and fall back in love? Why quit before really trying to fix this? Why do you think running away from our family commitments makes sense? Sit here. Now tell me what we can do as a team to make this family strong & happy. This will frustrate her. Because, everything that does not support her decision to break up the family will frustrate her. So be it. When you cannot think of any response other than "Are you NUTZ?" ..... Use these 'pocket comments' .... you keep them handy: That's an interesting point of view. I see. I understand you disagree with me. Nevertheless, I must hold true to my values. I value our family too much to throw us away. My self respect would not permit me to abandon my vows. Divorce teaches kids to give up. You are doing great. This is difficult stuff.
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Since your mom and dad are coming for a visit, and grandparents make such good babysitters, would your wife ever agree to a weekend away? Last minute weekend vacation someplace romantic? She is welcome to see it as a 'last hurrah' if she wants, but YOU will know it is a prime opportunity to Plan A like a mofo and sweep her off of her feet. Even if she comes back on Monday and proceeds with the move out plans, it will be a great last impression (and hopefully, then, not the last).
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Meanwhile .... start making fun filled plans with the boys. Always invite WW to participate in front of the boys.
As in:
"I was thinking our family needs some zoo time. Let's all take a trip to the zoo on Saturday. We can have a contest to see which zoo animal looks the most like Daddy."
"Let's go to Pirate Island. Our pretend Island. We will listen to Pirate music, wear eye patches, and beards and and dig for buried treasure in the back yard." (hide treasure the night before)
"Boys, Mommy looks like she needs something pretty. Let's go buy her something pretty." (give each son $5 and take them to the dollar store) Have them wrap the pretty things and present the love offerings to her.
"Boys, lets color and draw. Mommy, do you want to color & draw with us? We're going to draw what we love, what we want to be when we get big, and what we think God looks like."
See ..... Plan A your wife by being a stellar Dad. Go above and beyond your previous efforts. If/when WW can't be bothered to join in .... you simply say; "We will miss you this time. Maybe next time?"
Then ..... BE HAPPY !!!! Be JOYFUL !!!! Laugh. Sing. Act goofy. Entertain the boys.
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Mom and Dad will be here at 8:30 tonight and I cannot wait. I need them more than ever!
Lastly, Mom, I know you are reading this. YOU ARE MY ROCK! I love you so much! Thank you for always being there for me! I will get through this! And please don't be angry with me when I don't finish eating my plate this week. I gotta ween of the carbs! I know you are joking and I know you do need support. In these situations I am often reminding the Betrayed Spouse that "YOU MATTER TOO" especially in the face of a wayward with an overactive fully entitled taker that's pounding the "me...me...me...what about me drums" all over the place. HOWEVER, your wife perception right now is that SHE, not you, is the victim. It may not be that productive if she is given the idea that your mommy and daddy are coming to support you in this time of need. Her thoughts MAY instead go to "where were mommy and daddy while their son was neglecting me" and "have you told them what YOU did". Behind closed doors your parents can support you individually...but publicly (in front of DIL and/or in-laws), they need to play very carefully and politically. Your parents will have plenty of time to dislike or be angry with her IF she divorces you...but right now, you two are married, she's still "family" and the MARRIAGE needs the support of ALL parents. MIL...especially must tread lightly.
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Part of Plan A is to paint a picture of the life she will be without, if there is a divorce.
Most waywards *think* that you will play "happy divorced family" if she separates.
Plan B (should it become necessary) stops meeting those family oriented ENs. Certain ENs cannot be met by a turd-OM. Family time. Family memories.
Make home life fantastic. Something she will miss.
Out of the blue, blurt out:
"You know what I was just thinking? I was thinking about the day (son) was born. I remember the...." (then, tell the beloved story).
Do this with other memories. Not all at the same time. Pepper awkward silences with ... (you chuckling) "Remember the Christmas when Santa forgot to ...."
Or, "I'll never forget the Easter we died all those eggs and (whatever happened)."
Shared history is your secret weapon. It can be sad shared history as well.
"I was thinking about the time Grandpa died. You showed me so much care & compassion. Thank you for that."
You get the idea.
Dig around and find things that were memorable to both of you.
Now, she may not be open to direct compliments at this time .... however .....
Think about a friend of hers you may run into. Tell that friend that your wife is the "most gorgeous creature on Earth". Tell persons who are most likely to share that with WW.
If WW is not hostile to compliments .... how do you intend to do that?
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You should talk with your in laws though. Go over there and let them know where you stand. i.e. that you love their daughter and will do everything within your power to keep the family together. Ask them for their support. It can't hurt right?
Me BW: 30
WH: 33
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You should talk with your in laws though. Go over there and let them know where you stand. i.e. that you love their daughter and will do everything within your power to keep the family together. Ask them for their support. It can't hurt right? If you do this, be prepared. Like a Boy Scout Ninja. Anticipate their questions/concerns and know your MB-based responses. Do not ask them to answer any "Why" questions. Know the 'talking points' you want to make. It might be best to meet in-laws in neutral territory. Offer to buy them lunch in a cafe.
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Yes if my DIL and for my grandchildren I'd make myself part of the solution. Help my son/or daughter w/plan A. Babysit while my son dated DIL. Keep sad and upset feelings to myself. Especially keep my feeling in check in front of grandchildren.
I'd want to help grandchildren feel good about themselves. Help them see renewal and rebuilding in nature. Read books to that affect. Point out budding new plants and flowers. Talk about friendships and caring. Reach out to others in a thoughtful way. Play games that encourage cooperation. Have fun. Be stable.
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I did not tell her that I was taking Xanax. She must have seen them in my bathroom closet last night when packing. I really did not want her to see that either. Hand the bottle of Xanax to her and tell her that you are feeling strong and do not need pills to get through this. Bite your tongue when you want to tell her that she is going to need them more than you 
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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Since your mom and dad are coming for a visit, and grandparents make such good babysitters, would your wife ever agree to a weekend away? Last minute weekend vacation someplace romantic? She is welcome to see it as a 'last hurrah' if she wants, but YOU will know it is a prime opportunity to Plan A like a mofo and sweep her off of her feet. Even if she comes back on Monday and proceeds with the move out plans, it will be a great last impression (and hopefully, then, not the last). I did ask her... We always love Jamaica and I offered to take her Friday night for a long weekend. Or perhaps Miami. She laughed and said she had to get the boys room together. That is a great idea though.
ME: BS, 37
WW: 37
DS 7 DS 5
Married 11 Years
DDay 2/4/13 EA
ILYBINILWY; 2/6/13
Nuclear Expose:2/18/13
Currently in Plan A
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This is the email I would send to dr Harley:
Dr. harley,
My name is Florida and I am in need of your advice. I am familiar with your basic concepts and am active on the MB Forum.
My wife and I have been married XX years. We have XX children.
We have lived independent lifestyles and my wife recently had an emotional afai with a man she met at a bar. I exposed the affair and he sent me a threatening message but said he would stop contacting her.
I am spying on her and believe the contact has ended.
She says she is done with our marriage and wants out.
This weekend she is moving into her parents home.
We have verbally agreed to exchange the kids every week.
I am in plan A and need to know what to do.
Should I continue plan a or go into plan B?
Should I see an attorney or file for divorce?
Thank you,
Florida.
My phone number is:
My address is:
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Meanwhile .... start making fun filled plans with the boys. Always invite WW to participate in front of the boys.
As in:
"I was thinking our family needs some zoo time. Let's all take a trip to the zoo on Saturday. We can have a contest to see which zoo animal looks the most like Daddy."
"Let's go to Pirate Island. Our pretend Island. We will listen to Pirate music, wear eye patches, and beards and and dig for buried treasure in the back yard." (hide treasure the night before)
"Boys, Mommy looks like she needs something pretty. Let's go buy her something pretty." (give each son $5 and take them to the dollar store) Have them wrap the pretty things and present the love offerings to her.
"Boys, lets color and draw. Mommy, do you want to color & draw with us? We're going to draw what we love, what we want to be when we get big, and what we think God looks like."
See ..... Plan A your wife by being a stellar Dad. Go above and beyond your previous efforts. If/when WW can't be bothered to join in .... you simply say; "We will miss you this time. Maybe next time?"
Then ..... BE HAPPY !!!! Be JOYFUL !!!! Laugh. Sing. Act goofy. Entertain the boys. Awesome stuff Pepper as always. Great ideas. Will be great for the boys too.
ME: BS, 37
WW: 37
DS 7 DS 5
Married 11 Years
DDay 2/4/13 EA
ILYBINILWY; 2/6/13
Nuclear Expose:2/18/13
Currently in Plan A
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Mom and Dad will be here at 8:30 tonight and I cannot wait. I need them more than ever!
Lastly, Mom, I know you are reading this. YOU ARE MY ROCK! I love you so much! Thank you for always being there for me! I will get through this! And please don't be angry with me when I don't finish eating my plate this week. I gotta ween of the carbs! I know you are joking and I know you do need support. In these situations I am often reminding the Betrayed Spouse that "YOU MATTER TOO" especially in the face of a wayward with an overactive fully entitled taker that's pounding the "me...me...me...what about me drums" all over the place. HOWEVER, your wife perception right now is that SHE, not you, is the victim. It may not be that productive if she is given the idea that your mommy and daddy are coming to support you in this time of need. Her thoughts MAY instead go to "where were mommy and daddy while their son was neglecting me" and "have you told them what YOU did". Behind closed doors your parents can support you individually...but publicly (in front of DIL and/or in-laws), they need to play very carefully and politically. Your parents will have plenty of time to dislike or be angry with her IF she divorces you...but right now, you two are married, she's still "family" and the MARRIAGE needs the support of ALL parents. MIL...especially must tread lightly. Thank you Mr W. My mom sent WW this text this AM "We are going to come down and want to be there as support for (sic) you and the boys We still care for you and still consider you as our daughter and that will never change Dad and I are hoping to see you while we are there" WW reply "That means so much to me. I want to see u too" I just texted WW that we are going to the strawberry festival tomorrow. And asked her if she and kids wanted to join. She just texted back maybe and she would let me know tonight. She loves the Strawberry festival so we will see.
ME: BS, 37
WW: 37
DS 7 DS 5
Married 11 Years
DDay 2/4/13 EA
ILYBINILWY; 2/6/13
Nuclear Expose:2/18/13
Currently in Plan A
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You should talk with your in laws though. Go over there and let them know where you stand. i.e. that you love their daughter and will do everything within your power to keep the family together. Ask them for their support. It can't hurt right? Thanks Betrayed... No more drama from me right now. Carrots, Carrots, Carrots... Gotta fill that bank like a mo' fo' !!
Last edited by Floridaguy; 03/01/13 02:01 PM.
ME: BS, 37
WW: 37
DS 7 DS 5
Married 11 Years
DDay 2/4/13 EA
ILYBINILWY; 2/6/13
Nuclear Expose:2/18/13
Currently in Plan A
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Great question responses Pepperband - I can use these !
Me: BS - 55
Her: ex W - 50
Together 25 years Married 1990
DD 10/16/2012
DS 24&20
DD - 17
Currently in Plan B
Divorce Papers Filed 11/29/2012
Final Divorce hearing June 2013
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My mom sent WW this text this AM
"We are going to come down and want to be there as support for (sic) you and the boys We still care for you and still consider you as our daughter and that will never change Dad and I are hoping to see you while we are there"
WW reply "That means so much to me. I want to see u too"
I just texted WW that we are going to the strawberry festival tomorrow. And asked her if she and kids wanted to join. She just texted back maybe and she would let me know tonight.
She loves the Strawberry festival so we will see. Your mom is an angel for sending that text to WW. 
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Methinks "MOM" has been learning a LOT of Plan A while reading along. 
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Strawberry festival sounds great! Have fun! I agree that lots of carrots are in order. The journey has just begun.
Me BW: 30
WH: 33
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I did not tell her that I was taking Xanax. She must have seen them in my bathroom closet last night when packing. I really did not want her to see that either. Hand the bottle of Xanax to her and tell her that you are feeling strong and do not need pills to get through this. Bite your tongue when you want to tell her that she is going to need them more than you Ok. Just in case there was any doubt...I meant for her to dispose of them. I would never condone giving someone something that was not prescribed to them. Sorry. Dispose of prescription drugs properly.
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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Posts: 5,860
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Dear POSOM,
Thanks so much for your quick response to my communication. There are still a few points I must clarify, however:
�"grow the **** up,� You seem to be misinformed. I am a grown man with a family. I�m sure you�ll understand if I summarily reject �maturity� advice from an entity that 1) recklessly pursues a known married woman, 2) hides from the consequences of his actions, and 3) communicates in such a vulgar, grammatically-deprived manner.
�You don't scare me at all.� My communications are not designed to invoke a fear of me. If you don�t have the mental acuity to fear the long-term consequences of your own actions, if you fail to fear the pain, confusion, and lingering emotional instability you�re bringing into your own life, then you simply don�t understand the situation you�re in. You shouldn�t fear me, you should fear your own lack of reason, respect, and judgment, and where these obvious character flaws will lead you.
�I will stop talking to her. But you are not the reason.� Thank you. This is the sole purpose of my communication with you. I expect you to cease all contact with my wife. I care not that I am �. . . not the reason.� Do it for WW. Do it for yourself. Do it for the simple fact that your previous contact with a married woman was wrong, and now that your contemptible behavior is exposed, breaking all contact with this married woman is to be expected from someone with an IQ that even marginally approaches triple digits.
�Now get off my di**." Sadly, it appears you�ve mistaken me for my wife. However, I can assure you we�ll both be staying off it. Forever. Bank on it, POSOM.
Sincerely,
FG Another good post.
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