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Gamma #2711125 03/08/13 08:06 AM
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wife83 Offline OP
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thank you all for the support! i've walked this road alone for a long time.....feeling very weary.
the affairs were always one or two 'quickies' and then moved on....but there were about 15 women over the course of 10 years.
it was very difficult to prove because there was never any evidence except for what he knew and the other woman knew. his affairs were not emotionally involved.
my plan at this time (for starters) is to go through dr. harleys books: Fall in Love Stay in Love, HNHerNeeds and LBusters. I am hopeful this will get us on the road to be where we need to be
if anyone has any other helps please advise smile

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Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Surviving an Affair is an excellent book by Dr.Harley and is the book of choice for overcoming adultery and thriving in recovery. That's how we started.

BH's advice about emailing the radio show is very good. Your husband is a serial cheater and these require different handling than the "run of the mill" adulterer. Your H will have to completely change his lifestyle.

We have a few serial adultery recovered marriages on these boards. The couples had to make drastic changes in their lifestyles, but it can work IF the steps are followed.


Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010

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Originally Posted by wife83
thank you all for the support! i've walked this road alone for a long time.....feeling very weary.
the affairs were always one or two 'quickies' and then moved on....but there were about 15 women over the course of 10 years.
it was very difficult to prove because there was never any evidence except for what he knew and the other woman knew. his affairs were not emotionally involved.
my plan at this time (for starters) is to go through dr. harleys books: Fall in Love Stay in Love, HNHerNeeds and LBusters. I am hopeful this will get us on the road to be where we need to be
if anyone has any other helps please advise smile

You need to read Surviving an Affair. But your basic issue is that your husband is a serial cheater and it will take dramatic, radical changes in his lifestyle to save your marriage. The most important change will be your commitment to hold him accountable. And I don't see that happening here.

Are you willing to hold him accountable? If your H has had 15 affairs it seems to me like you have settled for this lifestyle, which is a big part of the problem.

Can I ask why you would be willing to live like that? Have you been checked for STDs?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Wife83,

thank you all for the support! i've walked this road alone for a long time.....feeling very weary.

That is one of the benefits of exposure, you no longer have to keep that horrible secret, which many around you may already know, and some will come forth with details you never knew. You can unburden yourself of your silence.

One of the uglier aspect of an affair is all the people in your life who witnessed and said nothing. I have an issue with my MIL about that now, as her good friend knew about my FILs many affairs for years and years, MIL assumes they never found out, and my W does not want to tell her. It's a cliche but my MIL really was the last to know.

Your children may have witnessed your H's affairs and said nothing to you out of fear, waywards do get sloppy like that, sometimes getting their children to swear to silence.

the affairs were always one or two 'quickies' and then moved on....but there were about 15 women over the course of 10 years....his affairs were not emotionally involved.


This is another huge lie cheaters tell, the physical aspect of an affair is usually the culmination of many months of flirting and pursuit.

it was very difficult to prove because there was never any evidence except for what he knew and the other woman knew.

If you are saying you should not expose to the BHs now because of a lack of evidence, I think you will help out the BHs end that sick feeling they have felt for years by telling them. It's not often that betrayed spouses catch the waywards in the act, it's more often that they feel something was never the same again and they don't know why. I spent years trying to get my W to love me as she once did, never understanding the nature of the problem.

God Bless
Gamma

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Wife83,

I am a newbie here, like you. But, I can answer your original question. It has been nine years since my H ended his first affair. Am I "over it"? Not at all, and my H told me to "get over it", too. That's hardly an incentive, is it?

We did not have EPs in place, either. I am in the process of getting help to lay them out. The "seasoned" members have been a GREAT HELP!

I agree that SAA is probably the best book to read, given your sitch. I have read several of Harley's other books, but this one hits the nail on the head. The radio shows are very helpful, too.

My heart goes out to you. I know first hand what its like. H is on board, but it took him a LONG TIME to get there. Maybe you can appeal to HIS needs and YOUR love busters, first. But, listen to the vets. They have been there, too, and experienced success in their own marriages after applying MB principles.

Gamma #2716514 03/30/13 06:30 AM
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Wife83 my wife A was over 22 years ago. Am I over it? I don't really know. It is something that I will never forget even through I have gotten all the facts that I wanted. There are days whenever someone will mention his name and my mind goes back 22 years (he has an unusual name). "Getting over it" is confusing like am I over it or are these thoughts just triggered by something I heard. The human mind is a power force to deal with.

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